Marriage in Trouble.. .

[JetsHD]

Great Forum. I hope you can help me. About a year ago my wife and I began the process of adopting 2 toddlers. Admittedly we have made mistakes. We failed to focus on our relationship at all. We never took time for ourselves. Furthermore, I had a harder time with this major life change and my wife has done 90% of the work in taking care of the children. I finally began to come around towards the end of last year but then injured my back badly. This again has put a ton of stress on my wife. For the past month or so my wife has not been herself.

 

Last night, she told me she hates her life and thinks she wants to divorce and let the children go back into the system (the adoption is still not complete). She says she has lost sexual attraction to me and cannot stand all the work she does for the children. Furthermore she admitted to have a tryst 2 years ago and says the guilt has been eating her up.

 

She also admitted that she loves me with all her heart and that I am her best friend. In fact as of 2 days ago she was sending messages from work saying she loved and missed me. She also says she loves the children with all her heart. I can forgive her for the tryst and feel as though we have a strong relationship. I also refuse to allow these kids to be put back into the system.

 

Advice please. Can I salvage my marriage?

Edited March 11, 2008 by JetsHD
errors

[quankanne]

yes. Get thee to counseling, to help get the tools you need to work on the issues. My guess is that because everything seems to have happened all at once, you're both overwhelmed by events and just don't have the tools to cope.

 

I think it's a positive sign that she's calling you at work to tell you she cares about you, and that she really does care about the little ones – my guess is that the guilt about the tryst just added to the Overwhelmed Department.

 

bottom line is, Do YOU want this marriage to work, and are you willing to move forward by forgiving her for the tryst? I don't think you ever forget something as painful as that, yet you can choose to keep it from eating you (and the marriage) up alive.

[JetsHD]

I absolutely want this marriage to work. She is my best friend and I think we went off track.

 

I know that I will never forget what she did but I know that I can get passed it without it eating at me.

 

I also feel as though because we have a strong base we owe it to these 2 wonderful children who have already been through so much to try and work things out.

 

My wife seems convinced the only answer is divorce. What can I say or do to make her realize what she is throwing away? Thanks everyone

[mysocalledlife]

I agree wholeheartedly with quankanne - get to MC soon.

 

It does sound like she is probably feeling so overwhelmed she doesn't know how to handle things - heck at this point, you are probably feeling the same way.

 

If she loves you with all her heart, as she says, I would expect MC to be really helpful.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife seems convinced the only answer is divorce.

In a twisted way, she may feel that divorce is what she "owes" you after the affair. It also gets her off the long term hook of having to face up to her actions and their consequences. She may see it as an easier way out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JetsHD]

Thanks for all your replies. I think Mr. Lucky may have nailed it. I should also mention that my wife treats for depression and I learned she has not been to her therapist or taken her meds in almost a year. I talked to her last night and she feels as though our marriage is in the same rough patch as when she had the affair. She says she is afraid she may cheat again and does not want to have to work so hard to make our marriage work.

 

She seems to think that good marriages do not have to be worked at. Furthermore she says that she has made her decision for a divorce because she is not the person I think she is. She has hurt me and maybe tempted again while she knows I would never do the same to her.

 

Should I accept this? Also now brings up the situation of the kids. The finalization of the adoption is coming up and she has now agreed not to send them back into the system. Should I take custody? To be a single parent of two would be incredibly hard but we may made a committment to these children and I love them. I am afraid after what she has said that one day she will get tired of taking care of them and give them up. Not that it was a big moment at the time but I should mention she also gave up her dog a few years ago because he was too much work.

[TechDude]

I should also mention that my wife treats for depression and I learned she has not been to her therapist or taken her meds in almost a year.

 

...

 

Furthermore she says that she has made her decision for a divorce because she is not the person I think she is.

 

That so sounds like depression talking.

 

Should I accept this?

 

I think I'd be wanting a medical opinion regarding the likelihood of her depression being treated. If she won't go to the doctor and won't take her meds, I wouldn't hold out much hope.

 

Also now brings up the situation of the kids. The finalization of the adoption is coming up and she has now agreed not to send them back into the system. Should I take custody? To be a single parent of two would be incredibly hard but we may made a committment to these children and I love them.

 

That is really tough. I find it tough enough looking after our own kids when my W is in hospital (usually for 2 to 3 months at a time).

 

I am afraid after what she has said that one day she will get tired of taking care of them and give them up. Not that it was a big moment at the time but I should mention she also gave up her dog a few years ago because he was too much work.

My W gave up on assorted other pets because they were too much work. She'd never give up the dog. I reckon she'd give up the kids before the dog (but she wouldn't do that either). What she does do is when it all gets too much, she rushes back to hospital.