Recent break up and now no contact but made a time to talk in 2 months

[andy907]

Hi all,

 

Here is my story.

 

Was with my ex for 3 years,we never lived together but that is how we wanted it as our working hours are so different and we are both in our late 40's.We would spend 2-4 nights together and the sex was the best ever for the both of us.

 

We did'nt have a lot of conflict but when we did ,she just shut down. Seems she cannot cope with conflict ,I mean even disagreeing about the most mundane things and we had broken up once previously in the 3 years.Known each other for 20 years though so we have a long history as freinds.

 

3 weeks ago we split,well she dumped me.Said there was just too much drama,I went to her place got my stuff and left,days later she texted are you o.k,I said I was,end of that. That has gone on for 3 weeks ,also with the odd conversation. Finally I got out of her why we are apart.There is too much going on in her life she says and she can't also have drama with us. The reason I have been not the nicest person to be around was I have just been diagnosed with cancer and beginning treatment for that,which leaves me tired and irritable. It's no excuse but I guessed I hoped for some leeway and some compassion.Boy was I wrong!

 

So I said that's fine but I thought we should have no contact for a long time as I was still in love with her and missed her and these intermittent conversation were still giving me hope we would get back together. She said she did'nt see any chance we would get back together,though her texts were coming more frequently the last week and she hoped we could be freinds. I said I was'nt sure I could offer that ever again as my feelings for her had changed now we had been in a relationship. Also I have been hurt that she deserted me when I really needed her support.

 

So in 2 months time we are going to meet and discuss where we are.I cannot see how I will feel any differently then than I do now. She seems adamant that she does'nt want us to be anymore than friends. I feel so hurt that she could not support me in my time of need and yet in the same breath don't want to not have her in my life.

 

So I am going to do my best to move on from her while continuing with radiotherapy on my own.

 

I am posting here because I guess I want someone to read this and hear my struggle and knock some sense into me as to why on earth I still have feelings for her!

 

Andy.

[Issues & tissues]

Hello Andy,

 

I am so very sorry to hear your story and the pain you must be going through. As I read you post, the only thing I could think of is that this person is no friend of yours. It is at times like these that we recognize who are true friends are.

 

According to wikipedia, friendship is:

 

...a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more humans. The term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem and affection along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other.

 

My wish for you is that as you go through radiotherapy you will discover who your true friends are and that perhaps among your friends is the woman who is really meant for you, who really loves you and will be there to hold your hand through it all.

 

Be brave. Be strong. You need to be selfish at this time and spend every last bit of your energy you have on YOU and YOUR swift recovery and not on somebody who quits at the first hurdle.

 

Look after yourself. Make YOU a PRIORITY.

 

Post here whenever you can. There are many good people on here who will read your posts, listen to you and CARE about you. These are your friends.

[andy907]

Thanks you for your words of support.

 

You know the more I go over things in my head I realise that she and I should not get back together,let alone be friends.

 

I am having surgery April 9th after the radiotherapy to reduce the tumor size. She said she will call me a month after my surgery. So I go through all the hard stuff on my own and then she picks us up again as friends.

 

I know I should'nt love someone that won't be 'there' for me,but I still do. However that does'nt mean we should be together.

 

I know I will be o.k,I have my Specialists word that I will be o.k.

 

Yes I have that nagging feeling of being deserted and rejected. It is easy to reject someone as that involves constricting your heart.But to love and open your heart is much harder.

 

She obviously does'nt love me despite telling me so maybe 20 times a day for 3 years. Words are easy ,actions much harder.

 

I sound almost more cynical today than when I posted yesterday. I guess I have some kind of closure and knowing we are to have no contact makes things easy.I have no chance of bumping into her so it will be easy.I just wanted her to stop sending me texts and emails.You can't move on if someone keeps doing that.

 

I have a feeling I won't say much when we do speak in 2 months. I will let her do the talking. If she suggests a friendship I will see how I feel about that at the time...

 

But you are SO right,she is no friend of mine if she can't at least even be moral support in my time of crisis.I told her this on the phone and her answer was she just has too much going on in her life and this was one more drama she does'nt need.

 

You know some people should just think before they tell someone they love them. I used to tell her I did but sledom during or after sex,though I did,usually when she least expected it as I felt that was more real.

 

Thanks so much for your kind words of support.

[AvgJoeDoe]

I agree with the above. I dont quite understand that statement of being friends while we sort things out and act like kids. I think that for the time you two known each other is to have a closer friendship than what you describe. In times of need you will know who are your friends and who are just parasites. I wish you a lot of physical strenght and emotional since cancer is an illness that puts you through a lot of hard times. Be strong and live life happy everyday think in the morning when you wake up that this day is going to be the best one and make it the best day every day.

[andy907]

Thank you so much.

 

You know as it has been 3 weeks now and we decided on this period of no contact. I am starting to think straight!

 

What kind of inhuman unfeeling person would kick someone when they are SO down. I never cheated on the woman,never lied to her,I am guilty only of not saying I love you enough but still said it more than 5 times a week every week for the last 3 years!She said I spent too much time with my cats! I mean where did that come from!

 

I think SHE is guilty of not communicating properly to me her feelings and where her head was at.

 

I am still sad but not as desparate as I was. I guess this is acceptance or something. Dark days ahead but I will get there,there are many more people worse off than I in this world. I hope someone can be there for them!

[AvgJoeDoe]

I dont know sometimes we expect people that we are close to care but sometimes is the least person you would think of that comes out and gives you a hand. I am a true believer that communication is a foundation to a relationship. In my case that was a factor to my failure with my last relationship.

 

Keep it strong and enjoy life

[andy907]

I agree with you I think communication is key,however I did'nt think we were bad at it,but maybe she was hiding or holing stuff in and I never picked up on it.I have'nt been myself for the past 6 months,because of the cancer,so I was always tired and sometimes cranky. No excuse and I told her that but maybe I hurt her more than I realise?

 

Still if I was in her shoes I would give someone the benefit of the doubt and some compassion!