Wife and I hit a rough spot - seeking info/support

[Arbee83]

First off all I am grateful for this forum and everyone who is contributing, I have been reading posts over the past few days thinking about my situation. So here I go and I apologize for the long post (at least I think thats where it is headed).

 

Background info: I am 25 (husband) and she is 29, we have been married for a little over 2 years. We were dating for approximately 1 year before we got married, once we were married (even slightly before) we were living together in the basement of my dad's house (sounds trashy but its not). A big house with more than enough room and frankly we don't have the money to rent something along with all other expenses. I am applying to medical school so we are saving what we can.

 

In a nutshell she moved out a month go into a house we were both suppose to move into because she needed space to think about things and has not been happy for awhile. Now, the main reason she is unhappy is due to the lack of sex we have had since we have gotten married. First off, my wife is absolutely gorgeous, so that isn't the issue. To be honest the issue is me. I didn't have a sex drive, I am very busy with school and work (not an excuse), I have gained a lot of weight (50+ lbs) since we got married which completely deflated my self-confidence. But with all those things contributing I feel the root of my problem is my habit of masturbating. Doing it since the age of 13 or so I have actually gotten into the habit of doing it, sure the desire is there and it is so easy to act on it right there when my wife is gone or what not. Well looking back now that combined with all those other factors completely took the "wind" out of my sail and when it came time and my wife was giving me the hints that she wanted to have sex I would shrug them off because I was already satisfied. This sounds terrible writing it out and actually reading my behavior.

 

So, during this whole time my wife thought it was something that had to do with her. We were not having sex very often and I wasn't very romantic or cuddly. To be honest I have never been a real touchy, showing my emotions type of person. I grew up in a household with no mother and never saw the interaction growing up (I feel that has had an impact).

 

CURRENTLY:

 

The first week or so when she broke it to me were terrible. She called me after work balling and told me she couldn't come home and she wanted a place that was quiet to sit and think. My heart just sunk, I always think/prepare for the worst and I was right.

 

A few days later she came home and I showed her some "journal" aritcles I wrote the night she called me and she read them. We both began to cry and she told me she already made her mind up and spoke with her parents about what was happening and arranged for them to help her move out. Mind you her parents are great and very supportive of us two getting back together. There is no problems with them at all.

 

We talk every few days now and I tell her how much I miss her and love her and she lets me know that she loves me to and that we have a long road ahead of us. She tells me she wants to take it "slow" and "one step at-a-time." I feel that she is scared that me saying "I will change" isn't believable because I have said it in the past and obviously didn't do anything about it. We talked and she mentioned she wished she would have made the problem more evident early on regarding our lack of sex (this was after I mentioned I masturbated frequently which was the reason for low desire).

 

I am going to stop because I wrote a lot. Any advice? I told her I wanted to go to marriage counseling and she agreed but she doesn't want to go to the same one and definitely not together. I love her with everything I have and I am willing to do whatever needs to be done to show her that. I went into marriage not knowing anything about successful, healthy relationships. I am now learning though. I had this attitude of since the relationship started good it will stay good. Stupid me. I KNOW that anything worth having takes work, love/marriage is no different.

 

If you made it this far I really appreciate it, and look forward to any help you may have for me. Indirectly my wife will appreciate it too.

 

Thank you

[justpassingthrough]

I told her I wanted to go to marriage counseling and she agreed but she doesn't want to go to the same one and definitely not together.

 

I have a five-spot that says the marriage counselor (you are headed in the right direction, by the way) will recommend something different than what your wife has already decided.

 

If you're going to solve the problem, do it all the way. Sure, work on the individual stuff but at some point you will have to face issues as a couple and sometimes (well, lots of times, really) it takes a person who is trained and skilled specifically for "couples" types of issues. Don't rule it out.

[TechDude]

Now, the main reason she is unhappy is due to the lack of sex we have had since we have gotten married. First off, my wife is absolutely gorgeous, so that isn't the issue. ... But with all those things contributing I feel the root of my problem is my habit of masturbating. Doing it since the age of 13 or so I have actually gotten into the habit of doing it, sure the desire is there and it is so easy to act on it right there when my wife is gone or what not.

 

OK, you know this is a problem.

 

Sex should be about giving and sharing pleasure. It is focussed on the person you love. Masturbating is purely about self pleasure. It is focussed on yourself.

 

You know you need to change this. In some ways, it isn't that different to using a hooker (I avoided comparing with an affair to keep the emotional issues out of it).

 

If you love your wife and want to get back together, then you are going to have to start learning some self sacrifice and self control. When you get these urges, decide that you are going to save yourself for you wife. It will be hard, especially at first.

 

Is there any chance of a "date" with your wife? Romantic dinner or something else you both enjoy? If lack of sex was a significant factor in her leaving, would she be open to some romance possibly leading to sex? Plan ahead ... control yourself for a certain number of days leading up to this to make sure your desire is strong.

 

I told her I wanted to go to marriage counseling and she agreed but she doesn't want to go to the same one and definitely not together.

Start seeing a MC. He/she will sort this out in due course.

 

I love her with everything I have and I am willing to do whatever needs to be done to show her that.

Do you mean this? Are you really ready to put in the effort? Do you have that much self control?

 

I truly hope you do and I wish you the best.

 

I went into marriage not knowing anything about successful, healthy relationships.

Don't we all?

 

I am now learning though. I had this attitude of since the relationship started good it will stay good. Stupid me. I KNOW that anything worth having takes work, love/marriage is no different.

That is all anyone can ask ... that we continue to learn and work on our marriage.

 

I am very busy with school and work (not an excuse), I have gained a lot of weight (50+ lbs) since we got married which completely deflated my self-confidence.

Here's something to think about. Can you spare 11 minutes per day? Look up an exercise program called 5BX. Get the book if you can. It isn't going to trim a lot of weight off quickly. What it will do is improve your fitness level. And as long as you keep doing it (and going up the ladder to harder exercises), your fitness level will keep improving.

 

As your fitness improves, you will be amazed at how much better you feel about yourself. You feel less lethargic, everything is easier to do. In my experience, you start will feel a difference after about 2 weeks, but it is important to keep going and making it part of your daily routine. 11 minutes is not much time to find.

 

For those who don't believe 11 minutes per day can make a difference, my challenge to you is try it first, then let me know how you feel.

[whichwayisup]

Show your wife that you want the marriage to work, that you love her by going to counselling on your own. Forget what you learned while growing up, you need to make an effort to become more cuddly and affectionate towards your wife. She needs that from you!

 

Marriage counselling will help you (both) learn and grow together, understand eachother and communicate better.

[Kamille]

I'm like you. When I get overwhelmed at work (which is 70% of the time), the last thing on my mind is sex. I am too tired for it. I usually am also too tired for masturbation, but I can see how it falls into another category.

 

The way I see it, we both need to do two things:

learn to not let work invade our private lives (learn to manage that stress and leave it at the office so to speak). I am working on that.

 

ask our partners to help us balance stress and sex. What I now do when bf is in the mood and I am thinking about work is ask him to give me a 10 minute massage. It usually relaxes me enough that I can then focus on him.

[Arbee83]

Justpassingthrough: I would like to lose that bet, I believe her outlook may change soon because she is adapting to just moving in and has been sick/overwhelmed as I have been (not sick, but overwhelmed).

 

Techdude: I appreciate your comments. We are planning on going to dinner next week. Her schedule would have allowed us to meet this week (have a joint appointment together) but during the day which equals lunch. So I am pleased that it will be next week and dinner.

 

On a side note (you hinted at holding out so my desire is strong), a few days after she broke the news to me we were still living together. In the morning we were laying in bed talking and I started to giver her a massage and was definitely becoming turned on and she new this. I was making my way around and she was politely telling me to slow down. I understand she is confused, so now that a few weeks have passed she may be more open to it. She apologized that she "cock blocked me" but I told her I respect her and understand what is going through her head.

 

Regarding the fitness issue. I used to be in great shape, bodybuilder style lifestyle. That intially attracted her to me. Since we have seperated I have been hitting the gym/cardio like an animal. The last time we met she commented on how much weight I am losing. It's funny how there are no more hours in the day but when you've got the motivation of losing your wife staring you in the face you find time to wake up at 5AM and workout. I do feel a lot better and I am hoping to become the man she fell in love with. For myself and her both.

 

Thanks again for you input, I really do appreciate it.

 

whichwayisup: Thanks, I need to look into that. I definitely believe that communication is the umbrella where most problems fall under.

 

Do you know of any good self-help type books regarding marital issues? I picked one up at the library but promptly returned it because it was regarding stories and not really any help. Those stories were also based on affairs.

 

Kamille: That is true. When the news first broke to me I was super upset at myself for letting work/school etc. get in the way of her and I, well myself mostly. Clouding my attitude and thus distorting my true feelings for her. In the end all we really have is our relationships, it sounds odd for me to think this way since I am so driven for nice material things but it is true. Don't love anything that doesnt/can't love you back.

 

Again thank you all, I will be reading comments daily and leaving feedback.

[Arbee83]

(Title spin off from "should I stay or should I go") anyways..

 

One reason she moved out is she wanted space to think about things and see where things would go. In addition one of the contributing problems was my lack of affection. Now I am determined to change myself and realize what I had and show her this. Now my dilemma...

 

I think of her all the time and would love to hear her voice in the morning and in the evening before I go to sleep. However, she seems fine not talking for 2-3 days at a time. Which makes sense because I thought everything was fine and she did not, she doesn't want to speak with me all the time. So should I not contact her every day? Just a text saying "how you doing, love you etc.." Well maybe no "I love you" because she was also thinking the statement was getting overused because I/we would end conversations on the phone with "I love you" like an auto-response. I hate playing games but if she wants her space would I be shooting myself in the foot by texting her once a day or so and maybe calling her a few days in the week? Or do you think I should sit back and constantly think about her while continuing to do my thing and wait for her to call me? I am worried that the length of time we go without talking with each other is going to give her the idea that I am no longer interested and she will find someone else. I know it sounds a little "out-there" or maybe it isn't. Right now my rational thinking is being driven mostly by emotion which probably doesn't help matters.

 

Please provide some insight.

[Arbee83]

I have scheduled a meeting with a counselor this coming week to help me sort things out. I feel very good in my decision to seek some help, which is a big step for me because I use to have the mentality of "how is someone else going to help me solve my problems when I can't do it myself" But, that was the immature me. I take care of my physical health (exercise, eating right, etc.) but how can I be healthy if I do not address my mental health.

 

I would still like to hear any comments, advice etc. from anyone about the situation I am in. Any advice on how not to beat myself up about past memories of her and I together? I sometimes will think about a trip her and I went on and specific parts like us walking together holding hands, me driving with my hand on her leg, just being together. I think of these and I get a rush of sadness and a deep desire to want to be with her. Maybe it is just time that needs to pass, I don't know.

 

Anyways, don't be shy and leave a comment

 

Thanks

[Arbee83]

Well I can add visiting a counselor (from now on known as "C") to my life experiences..I don't know if I expected too much or what but I am left wanting more after leaving. I don't feel like I connected with the counselor at all. I spoke most of the time (which I expected) but the thing that strikes me as being odd is when I would stop speaking it was like the C didn't know what to say. It felt good to talk to someone and kind of unload my "garbage" but I was able to do that last week with a friend (much cheaper also).

 

Needless to say I am making an appointment with a different C that a friend of mines goes to. Should/hopefully will be a better experience.

 

On a side note: What were some of your people's experiences with a counselor the first time? I felt like the 1 hour was not enough time and what I wanted to talk about wasn't really understood as well by the C because I have a lifetime of experiences that contribute to the one issue. Does that make sense? I would almost like to right up a brief auto-biography if-you-will about my situation and send it to the C ahead of time so we can get down to the nitty gritty.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Thanks!

[Mr. Lucky]

I think IC makes sense for you, regardless of your success with MC. You need to understand why you chose this:

But with all those things contributing I feel the root of my problem is my habit of masturbating. Doing it since the age of 13 or so I have actually gotten into the habit of doing it, sure the desire is there and it is so easy to act on it right there when my wife is gone or what not.

over this:

when it came time and my wife was giving me the hints that she wanted to have sex I would shrug them off because I was already satisfied.

Someone with an "absolutely gorgeous" wife doesn't normally, all other things being equal, chose to whack off instead of having sex with his wife. Masturbation wasn't a "habit" for you, it was a conscious choice you made to avoid intimacy. And I can see why your wife (or any spouse) would be really hurt by that. The reality is that you have a tremendous amount of hard work ahead with no guarantee that it will get you what you want. I wish you well, but no easy way out here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arbee83]

Mr Lucky: Thanks for the reply and I totally agree with you. IC for me to work on my stuff. I believe I have started to scratch the surface of what is going on with myself. I contribute part of it to my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Not feeling comfortable in your own skin makes a lot of things difficult. Although I do not like to contribute my actions to something like self-confidence etc..because the bottom line is a person has control over how they act and feel. I can CHOOSE to have a good day or bad day. But I think that way of thinking is what got me into this spot in the first place. By ignoring the issues of self-confidence etc..and thinking that I had complete control over it without actually doing anything to improve myself was self-defeating. There was no way for me to win. So I have started to get back into the swing of things and improving myself. I used to make excuses for not going out and seeing people (old friends etc.) because I was embarrassed of how I let myself go.

 

Thanks again for the input.

[Habibti]

Sex in a marriage is a sacred and vital thing.In a marriage both partners can have outside interests, outside friends, outside confidantes (hopefully they stick to same sex) but your sex life is the one and only thing that can be fulfilled only by eachother.Sex is not dirty, cheap or disposable- sadly a lot of people treat it that way. Sex is an intimate bonding experience that married couples NEED.Marriage means trading your i's in for us's. If a person is not yet willing to do that- no sweat, that is A-okay just don't go getting married yet.A lot of marital problems stem from the man or woman withholding sex from their partner and it isn't just sexual pleasure that is being denied-intimacy-bonding-mental and physical health- is also being denied.

 

 

In your situation you are already married- I applaud you for coming to terms with what's going on and being willing to seek help. That is a wonderful first step in the right direction.I think what you enjoy about masturbation is you can recieve gratification with no vulnerability- you aren't being judged for the weight you've put on- you aren't being judged based on performance- you can recieve the pleasure you need without rejection.Your sexual needs are met with total confidence and security because you have built an intimate relationship with yourself.When it comes to your marital sex life however that comfort,trust and confidence haven't developed yet. Your wife wants that bond and connection with you- and rightly so! However, you have learned that safety and security in sex comes from masturbation. Masturbation is a pretty normal thing when you need to relieve some tension- perhaps you're away from your partner for 2 weeks on a business trip or vice versa- but when it takes the place of the intimacy in your marriage it is no longer normal. You need to get to the place where a security in your sexual life is a net between you and your wife.

 

 

 

 

 

I really do believe you love your wife and can see she loves you, I don't at all see this as a marriage beyond hope, not one bit. I wish you all the best!

[Rick O'Shay]

Arbee,

 

I'm sorry to have to tell you, she is having an afair. Moving out is not an answer to the problem of not having enough sex. It is the exact opposite of what would be logical. She's not sure of her knew relationship and that's why she needs more time. Time is not working in your favor. She is getting more comfortable being away from you and more comfortable with him.

 

If you want to save your marriage there is only one thing that you can do and it's not counseling (you may need it but that would be later - think hierarchy of needs). What you need to do is do what a man would do. That is tell her you love her and want her back but being apart is not the solution and you are not going to put up with it. You tell her you are willing to give it to her the way she needs but until she moves back you will not communicate with her in any way. Then, no matter what, don't contact her. No calls, no letters, no drive bys. Nothing will be important enough (or insignificant enough) for you to contact her. Nothing!

 

If she contacts you, be polite but firm that you are moving on unless she is moving back. You should probably file for divorce right away. I'm not saying get divorced, I'm saying file... and make sure she gets the notice. She needs to believe you are moving on with your life and you won't be there for her as a safety net. This is very important. If she was sure with this other guy she would have already told you it was over. No need to string you along. But, as it is now, she's not ready to give you up completely and that is your only hope.

 

If you do these things, you have a small chance of getting her back. Probably 20-40 percent. If you contact her or let her use you as a safety net in any way, you have ZERO chance. Most guys aren't strong enough to follow through on such a plan. If you really want to get her back, be strong.

 

Oh yeah, if you don't believe me she's got another man on the side, just hire a PI to find out. It will be the best 300 bucks you ever spend. Either way it goes don't ever, EVER tell her bout the PI.

 

Good luck

[Arbee83]

Thanks for the info Rick, I will keep that in mind.

 

For an update..I spoke with her after I didn't reach her for a few days (ignoring my calls, etc..) I guess she is having a rough time and things are coming up from her past and she stated she hasn't been happy for a while. I definitely suggested she go to counseling because it has been helping me. It really hurts me to see her like this..I want to comfort her and hold her and tell her its going to be alright but at the moment I feel like we are strangers to each other. I know she has been talking with her friends and I am hoping two things, 1) her friends are filling her with bull**** regarding the situation, I don't think they would but you NEVER know. 2) that my wife would see through that (I am more confident in that). Although, people can become pretty receptive in vulnerable situations.

 

I feel like I have really grown in this experience. I feel much more mature (although I was always more mature than my age), but it feels like I have found something out about myself I didn't know of before. It is kinda hard to explain but it just feels good. I pride myself in being very respectful throughout this whole ordeal, just a true gentleman. I believe I am a dying breed. That's cool with me though, I am proud of what I stand for. Although, I need to practice what I preach a little more. I realize my downfalls and I am working on them. Although, all these downfalls and things I want to work on require someone to practice with. It's kinda hard to practice basketball with no basketball. I need my wife back so I can show myself and her what I am capable of. All I can do now is hope that it all works out in the end. I mean seriously, the way I look at it why would someone throw something away over one bump in the road ya know? It is hard to find a good man or woman. After people have been together for awhile you know about their pasts (well not always, but hypothetically) and what not. The last thing I want is to go back out in the dating game and find some attractive lady that I commit myself to, and then outa no where I get hit with all this emotional baggage. Forget it! I've got my life-mate now.

 

In closing, anyone lurking around here and reading please post a few words of encouragement or whatever you got. I'm just a guy trying to stay positive and look at the good in whatever I can.

 

odd question, but to those who have had a similar experience to mine or maybe not similar but a serious marital problem. How was the sex when you got back into it? My god, I can't stop fantasizing about my wife. If someone was able to read my thoughts at times during the day, they would need to sign a parental consent if under-age.

 

Thanks