Keep messing up

[Brill]

Honestly, I dont even know where to begin. I am a wreck. I havent worked in two weeks and havent eatin in about 5 days.

 

recently I lost the love of my life Eva. If you want to read our story you can check out the Blog I wrote to make myself feel sane

http://lifeslittlechallange.blogspot.com/

 

We were together for a year and in that time I spent the first 6 months trying to get over my old ex, which she constantly preached to me about. Well in our 7th month she found all the emails I had written to my ex and they were bad I mean telling her that I wanted every woman to be her and in on saying that I had ebough and would break down and marry Eva..

"break down" huh she went insane. though it had been monts since I had wrote the ex the emails were still there and I had already fallen deeply for Eva it was too late.

 

That was our first break up though we were still in love and in about three weeks she came back with demands which ultimantly I failed, you know couples counciling, applogizing to parents for hurting her and well deleting the emails that I never read anymore.

 

A month ago we were finished again though w talked every night and slept together about twice a week. Until the point she started dating another guy, which I believe was to punish me. They are now even spending weekends away together. I am hurt and furious. I keep breaking NC and she keeps saying Brian we cant do this I said it's over.

 

Wow if I would have just went NC the day we split in Feb I would probably be in so much better shape. first time I went for 10 days then texted and we talked awhile and I started in on the Why do u have to jump from me to another man so quickly and she yells u dont know how bad I am hurt.

 

Its irrelevent. the second NC lasted like 3 days and this moring I bombed her with like 30 txt sayin how could you do this didnt we mean anything and all the crap you are supposed to not ever do to rebuild trust. Our last txts said Goodbye again and I said can we stay friends I miss talking with you and she said not for awhile.

 

This is the worst pain I have ever suffered and 3 days before she left for good we had a crazy experience...Friday night she goes out with someone else and then Saturday I went over. She told me I'm pregnant I think and I dont know what to do. I said calmly, get your things I am taking you home and I will take carre of you and we will get married. " I love you". she said okay and came with me and spilled that she went out the night before and was kissing this guy on the couch, all the while she is crying. She said I cried myself to sleep I couldnt stop thinking of you and I am sorry Brian and I am in love with you We can try to make it work. Well Brians a dumbass..I consoled her for an hour then was boiling that Thursday night she slept with me then Friday was out kissing another guy. You how can you do this I was yelling but I was commited to making it work I said delete his number call him tell him it was a mistake and delte his yahoo. She agreed and Sunday she did. We spent sunfday together and she was a mess. She kept saying I am in love with you but this cant work I am so hurt about the emails.

 

At that miment guys I could have turned this around and rebuilt our trust...But no I wanted to be in command I thought. "Ive got her now"

She said she wanted it to work that I was the love of her life and she loved me far more than her ex husband..

 

I was a bit harsh and not to forgiving still on with the how could you ****. then Monday I went and was with her. Tuesday she went to doc for the bloodtest....Not Pregnant...She called me and told me and said we need to talk. I went over and she said Brian I can't do this anymore. I need to let go....Okay so again I was all over her about I knew that she wanted to jump ship and guess what she did..We talked till midnight and we got nowhere....and she immediatly called and started seeing this other guy.

 

Probably rebounding harsh, and I should just go NC and let her have space rebounds seldom ever work...Im good for 10 days until the weekend comes and I realize she left for the weekend to go stay with him..

 

I texted like I said Saturday morning and we were good for awhile I said I was okay with the decesion but was unhappy that she was rebound dating and sleeping over. You know how we get when jealousy rears. Said all the wrong things and she said I told you it was over. Please let me go. So now its 3 days later and the same thing today...Killing NC and pushing her further..

 

It so sucks when you know exactly what your supposed to do to have a chance and you cant manage..I have been on here lurking for awhile but couldnt write it hurts to much but today I just need help bad..

 

I know if there is any chance I have to really let her go figure this out. It's not my choice. But God when you fall so deeply for someone you always think you can convince them..

 

Thanks for letting me go off

 

Bri

[Brill]

Well this morning we talked for about two hours until her phone went dead

 

She then called me back to say that her phone died

 

WE rehashed alot of the old stuff and I really wanted to get to the root of why we failed she often broke in with. I just don't want this anymore. She told me about her new BF and as weird as this sounds she said that I was better looking treated her a little bit better and was a much better lover. I went on to explain that I understood her needing to make a break, that I respected that and said that I would like to try again if this doesnt work out. She kept saying were done and I said I got it the first time. She said I don't operate that way, She said there are no more chances. But I found it odd that she elaborated on some stuff and wanted to talk for so long.

 

I explained to her, which we discussed before, that we were one anothers love of life and I didn't want throw away a future chance with her. She said no, no more chances. Kinda mixed signals she kept saying I want you to be happy and fullfilled just not with me, I am hurt. I said I know but I would like to remain friends which I think would actually hep my cause.

 

She said too soon. I told her to never say that we wont EVER have a chance I feel we could make it and she replied: Yeah but you dont know if we could. And she agreed there was no way to say that there was never a chance, weird

 

So I am going back on NC and see if she thinks about all the things we talked about that she needed to feel fullfilled not just safe. This guy is a lawyer, he is not attractive he is overweight and she said that he wasn't that great in bed.. HMM weird.

I wonder what others experiences are with similar situations if indeed she will give us another shot. We had really an amazing time and she just couldnt get over the ex email. Also said that she felt like in the future that money could become a struggle and with him she was secure..

 

I just don't know what her signals meant at this point. She said that she still thought about me, still thought about the lovemaking and wished I could be happy, I did the same

[iwish]

Mate, i'm in a messed up situation too, we love these girls and we think that we can say something to bring them back, some magic words.. i've realised now, that there are no magic words.. if they want to come back they will, that's all we can hope for..

 

For now we should both go No Contact, let them miss us, let them see what life is really like without us in it. that's all we can do..

 

then if they want they will come back, but if they don't well... lets not worry about that just yet.. hopefully we will be stonger by then and won't care so much..

[Brill]

I know I havent eatin in a long time offical tally is lost 22 lbs since vday

 

Just ran 2.5 miles and was listening to 10,000 fists man Disturbed gets u rockin

 

feel good. Needed that

 

think I am going to Taco Bell and test my stomach

 

Just a note on what 22 lbs can be waites from 34 to 31"

stomach 36 to 33"

 

well its a damn good diet running like crazy and no food..LOL

 

 

B

[Brill]

Just a quick update. She has officialy moved on and is all but living with her new man. I have no other choice but to live my life. It hurts and I don't like it but I surmise she has issues that are outside the scope of explanation. I love her and probably will for a long time.

 

Her new boyfriend the Lawyer and has everything, and I am struggling right now but far from poor but I think she sees $ in her eyes right now.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

B

[iwish]

mate try not to think about things too much, i don't want to know if my ex is with another guy.. i'm not strong enough for that sort of information..

 

I think the best think for you to do now, is go out and try and have some fun, it's hard i know but i manage to forget the pain sometimes when i'm out meeting new people..

 

just take one day at a time, and do not contact her!! easier said than done i know, but she's with another guy now and there's nothing you can do.. so start thinking, sod her!

[jmargel]

Brill,

 

Seems like no one has replied to your calls for help, so I will help you as best I can.

 

First, I can say alot of us have been there, where you are now. Reminds me of my ex-fiancee leaving. I lost 35 lbs in 3 months and was very, very depressed. My problem is, I let it go until I became suicidal. Please don't let this be the road you go down. Find a counselor this week and make an appointment. For yourself you need to set short term goals, and accomplish them. Also look up the 5 stages of grief, it's something you are going through.

 

You also have to dig deep down and do some soul searching. How long were you split up with your ex until you met Eva? When Eva mentioned counseling, why didn't you go?

 

Eva is hurt, as anyone would be. She is also very hurt that all she hears is 'words' that are meaningless. Which means, if you goto counseling for awhile and let her know, at least she will know within' herself that you are changing for the best. That's not a guarantee that she will come back, but she can find comfort that she wasn't the reason why you were still having contact with your ex. I think you were so overwhelmed by the loss of your ex, that you truly didn't value Eva like she should have been. Eva felt used, second-fiddle, a safety-net.

 

We know this new guy is a rebound, and it won't last. However, this is the exact reason why you must get into counseling now. First, it will improve yourself, and you will be able to deal with this situation better. Second, when this rebound relationship ends, you will have enough counseling to better help her and yourself and her seeing this change (not just your promises) she might reconsider.

 

In the meantime let her know that her happiness is the most important thing to you and that you will honor any wishes, even if it's no contact. Then, follow that. It's something you must stick with.

 

Counseling will also allow yourself to figure out why you did the things you did and then eventually allow yourself some forgiveness in this.

[Brill]

Thanks for you guys support. It really means alot. For one thing I live here an area for my work that I am far from all my friends and family basically it was me and Eva she was my life line so now It's just Brian. I shouldnt really have any trouble meeting new people I live in that Capital city but have never made any friends here she was it My Ex moved away after my son was born and even he isnt here so my emotional trial has been difficult. Again When I read you guys replies and words of encouragent it does make me feel better if that is even possible. I have been praying alot and yesterday was another really dark day not because of her though I almost didnt make it but I think God and some friends helped me pull through I am still not eating and as far as rebounds never lasting my last the ex I wrote about in my blog married her rebound. LOL so one never knows I do know that if I keep cramming this down her throat it would be much easier to forget that she said just 3 weeks ago she was in love with me

 

Bri

[jmargel]

I still suggest you try out a counselor. There is no reason to have to deal with this all on your own.

[Brill]

thanks Bro and I appreciate everyone who has taken their valuable time to read all this stuff. I really worked hard at making the blog posting accurate but not too telling

 

Bri

[iwish]

Mate when i split up with my ex i thought damn i'm all alone, i couldn't hang around with mutual friends (too many memories) so i went on the good old web and found a socializing site.

 

It's a sight where people just want to make new friends, people of all different backgrounds and interests, they're not weird or sad in any way, they're just people who like the idea of having a bigger social circle..

 

My point is, i'm sure there's something similar where you live, it's good to go out and meet new people, it takes your mind of things and it also helps to start new hobbies (mine's salsa!)

 

Don't get me wrong you'll still think and probably pine for your ex(like i do), but for those few hours she won't even come into your head and it's fun!!