Is it me??

[DetroitGirl]

New poster but I love the opinions on this site so here it goes. Is there a real problem with being the OW? It seems as though every man I become interested in turns out to be M. I don't like the idea of being a part of someone M crumbling, but sometimes it gets really lonely. Once I find out then I hit the road. But I see many posts where the OW seems to keep some kind of relationship with a MM. Could I be omitting something to attract MM? I just don't like the idea of not being able to have him when I want him, but sometimes I feel like I should take what I get. Just curious what everybody thinks.

[st951]

I think that if you have high standards, you'll probably be alone most or all of the time.

[DetroitGirl]

Are my standards just too high? Sometimes I feel as though I should just go with the flow and leave it at that. But it feels wrong. And you are right, because I am alone most of the time. I guess I just want to know how wrong it is. I know MW who feel that as long as her H comes home at night and pays the bills, then no worries. Do MW generally know when something is up?

[SimpleyMe]

I don't think you should get involved with a MM,but you will do what you feel is best for you.

 

I think getting involved with a MM or MW is only cheating yourself out of a full honest relationship.

 

So many single men in this world way get invloved with someone who is already M.

[DetroitGirl]

That' the whole thing about it. I don't know that they are right off the bat. But I find myself asking if they are M. Some are honest and some are not. I jsut wasn't sure if there was a particular way that I carry myself that attracts MM and for the most part, I can't believe how many MM cheat. I just started dating two years ago (after 5 years of NOTHING) so maybe I missed something during that time. Thanks for the comments!

[MimiMe]

Caould it be your line of work, surroundings, etc that put you at a high rate of being around DOUCH BAG MM's? (yes, I said douch bag mm's. bite me! ).

 

Anyhow, ask yourself if you are willing to be live all "happy" minutes that a MM can offer you and yet feel as alone as you feel now.

If you want to be considered "OTHER".

If yes, let the dramz begin.

 

If not:

 

Try a dating service, go out to spots that are rated good for singles (you can find that on the net). I am not saying that they are MM-Proof... and yes, there are ways to find out if a MM is trying to pass as a single one. We are not living in the 1800's, so if you smell something fishy, look into it,before you feel like this >> over him and it is too late (like some claim).

All Better than being second best and many here are going to jump down my throat and say they were "never" second best because they hold the key to his heart blah, blah,blah...

Bottom line, it gives you a title of OW, not W or GF (otherwise this board woul have been something else).

 

It is what it is... But keep in mind that chances are that, if you are the GF which one day could become a W, OW will scoop your man up from the same circle that you once ran away from. And if you chose otherwise...

[DetroitGirl]

Lila Belle - I wasn't stating that I don't care. I stated that I had a friend who didn't care. If I didn't care then I wouldn't have posted what I posted.

[Jess-Belle]

That is kind of intriguing DetroitGirl, that all these men are M. But good on you for not getting involved. Maybe there are some women who wouldn't care, but truth be told, I think plenty more would be devastated. And regardless of the usual comments 'He's cheating, not me', 'I'm not the married one', you'd be an accomplice to that. Which you seem to realize, and that is good.

 

You could even wind up messing around with the wrong W, who might lose it to the point of plotting to find you in the garage one day after work and beating you to a pulp with a bat. Like me. Luckily, my common sense and self-control wasn't that eroded

 

Most importantly, though, avoid it for yourself. A lot of women getting involved with a MM wind up in anguish. Knowing what I know (cos I've been there as well), I would most definitely not recommend it.

[DetroitGirl]

Jess-Belle - can I ask what side you were on? Sometimes it gets lonely and I never have "back up". I don't like the deceit that goes along with the MM dating. And the last one I came across and stop seeing, I later discovered that his children and friends with mine. So when I am invited to one of their family gatherings or a night out with one of the female family members, I make up some excuse because I don't want to hear someone talk about how great their H is when I know different. Appreciate your advice.

[MimiMe]

I don't think you should get involved with a MM,but you will do what you feel is best for you.

 

I think getting involved with a MM or MW is only cheating yourself out of a full honest relationship.

 

So many single men in this world way get invloved with someone who is already M.

 

Ditto!

 

Why get involved with someone that already gave all that you also deserve to someone else?

YES- (before the movement of OW come after me, lol!) every situation it is not the same... some claim that they were never in love with the W and X, Y and Z. So to that I ask, Why would I want to be with a man that was in a "Forced" relationship, who didnt have the balls to make his life better- gracefully? !?!?!??!?

Cheating, lying, betraying - justified or not it are not good qualities in a person. So based on your values, you decide.

 

Something that stuck to me from my personal experience and I'll like to share...

I asked my stbxH if he would like it if an A-hole like him, did what he did to me to his daughter (who is now 13 and eventually will start dating) or his sister.

His response: I'll break a baseball bat on the SOB's head.

I should have made a phonecall to Brooklyn, NY.

Edited March 10, 2008 by MimiMe

[Jess-Belle]

Jess-Belle - can I ask what side you were on? Sometimes it gets lonely and I never have "back up". I don't like the deceit that goes along with the MM dating. And the last one I came across and stop seeing, I later discovered that his children and friends with mine. So when I am invited to one of their family gatherings or a night out with one of the female family members, I make up some excuse because I don't want to hear someone talk about how great their H is when I know different. Appreciate your advice.

 

Argh, that definitely sounds awkward

 

I have seen all sides... I used to cheat left and right, I was an OW once, then it all caught up to me and I was betrayed by the one person who I allowed into my heart. *sigh* So I am familiar with all three mentalities.

[st951]

Yeah, a lot of those so-called family men are nothing but pathetic scum. You really don't want somebody like that. There is higher status in being alone. Besides, if you keep yourself safe for somebody who deserves you, you might actually bump into somebody decent and you won't be terribly embittered by all these married monsters that you could have wasted the best years of your life over.

 

In the end you will do what you want to do especially if the call of the wild is very strong. Sometimes it's easier to be juddgmental when we aren't particularly tempted. Try to be strong and be confident that something better will come your way.

[phoenixgirl]

At the risk of getting flamed myself, I've had the same problem!

 

The first guy I was ever intimately involved with was married, and I didn't know it until a couple of months later when I called his cell phone and his W answered... she was relatively cool about it, apparently it had happened before!! I, however, was mortified, I was very young and I swore off men for at least a year. As luck would have it, the NEXT guy was married too and I didn't know about that one either, until his W showed up at my work to cause a big scene. About two years ago I met another guy who flirted with me, yada yada yada, but he was a bit more honest in asking me how I felt about "dating married men."

 

And then I gone and did the stupid by *consciously* getting involved with one... I seriously don't recommend it, if you're even remotely considering it. Drama aside, it causes way too much heartache not only to yourself (if your feelings get involved) but irreparable damage to the W. In the long run it just wasn't worth it to me, no matter how much I love my xMM.

[OWoman]

Is there a real problem with being the OW?

 

It depends on what you want.

 

If you want crash-hot sex, no emotional investment and someone that you can walk away from with no hard feelings when you're done - and this is honestly what you want, and nothing beyond that - then perhaps it's for you.

 

If you want a R that's likely to go somewhere, think really hard about it.

 

Of course there are some MMs that leave their Ws for their OWs and do the happily ever after thing - and if you read some of the stories here, you'll see what's involved in that, how long those OW waited and what unfolded along the way.

 

But there are many who don't, and if you read some of the other stories here, you'll see what's involved in that... and how long those OW waited - or are still waiting - and what all has unfolded along the way.

 

Trouble is, it's hard to tell at the outset what you have, a keeper, a player, or one of those guys who's just so terrified of what he'll create by making a decision that Rodin's Thinker shows more movement than he ever will.

 

Hey, it works for some people, and I'm not going to knock it - but think very carefully before you go down that road because it's certainly not for everyone and it's certainly not an easy road, even if you're one of the "lucky" ones.