redfathom Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I have been feeling distant from my H and some of that has to do with the lack of sex in our marriage. I mentioned it to him a few days ago and he said that everything was fine (he always likes to tell me how I am feeling) I told him that maybe he felt things were fine but I did not and that it has been a while since we had sex and he said "our relationship is not based on sex." I said I know that but I have needs and he seemed insulted. So on Saturday I brought it up again. At around 5pm I asked him if he wanted to cuddle, which he took a while to get around to then I asked him if he wanted to make love and he said no, "maybe later." Which I knew meant probrably not. The reason, he was hungry!! So we went to make dinner and I being sometimes to blunt told him I felt that we would not make love later like he said and that I didn't want him to think I wanted a pity lay or anything like that my mentioning it so I asked if we could talk over dinner and he agreed. Of course I had to bring up the talk and I was very honest and told him, I felt like we were roommates, I felt that there is no passion in our relationship to which he said he does not think any of that is true (again telling me how I should feel, like his feelings are the difinitive answer to my feelings) so I told him that's great that he thinks that but these are MY feelings and this is how I feel. He reminded me that we have two great weekends about three weeks ago and I agreed that we did. Then I told him our sex life is boring and he agreed that it's pretty routine and that we normally have sex when we go to bed. So I said, "Yeah which is why I asked you an hour ago." He did the same thing when we talk where he wants me to sit with him so he can hug and comfort me and it kind of pisses me off like he is invalidating my feelings and making our problems seem so small that they can be cured with a hug. I told him he makes me feel very unattractive and he said he finds me sexy but sometimes he is not in the mood and if he tries to make love when he is not in the mood he gets soft (which happens like 30% of the time) then that of course makes me feel worse about myself. I know I am putting too much pressure on him. Or maybe it's the porn addiction that has made him desensatized to me. So that night we both woke up at abour 5am and he wanted to cuddle then he got turned on so he wanted to make love, a little into it he got soft, then he said it was because I was too wet. Ummm, that is a first. So I am at a loss. How do I can I make my husband respect my feelings? How can I make him see that these are issues we need to address even if he would rather ignore them? I know we could fix our sex life if we felt more romantically and I really don't at this point. I can't hint at sex because I would most likely get rejected so I am just suppose to wait for him to want it then roll over happy about it. That's just not what I want in a marriage.
blair08 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 "Or maybe its the porn addiction that has made him desensatized to me." That might be it. Any other things you notice about him other than in the sex department, that don't seem normal to you?
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I think its a mix of things, most of all resentment on both sides. Sex has become some obligational thing that you fight over. Hard to get excited over something that causes so many problems. How do I can I make my husband respect my feelings? How can I make him see that these are issues we need to address even if he would rather ignore them? By having your issues moderated between the two of you by an objective third party. One who will help you keep focused on your issues. Sometimes if you try to do this on your own, all that happens is that one person attacks, the other defends and the actual issue is never discussed at all. Perhaps some counseling will be good to look into if for no other reason than to get this out on the table in such a way that it can be repaired rather than fought over.
Author redfathom Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 Blair, other then him not really listening or interacting with me, which we talked about and he kind of hinted that he was upset because he watched a show with me then when a show came on he wanted to watch I left to take care of the cat's then came back. Which I understand why he woud be upset. Sex has become some obligational thing that you fight over. Hard to get excited over something that causes so many problems. Agreed, maybe I should apologize for nagging him about it. I don't blame him for wanting to look at porn since it does not talk back or nag, it's always in the mood and never asks for anything in return. We were going to MC and after three session he wanted to stop, I have asked about going back and he said he would rather go to IC by himself and that once he fixes his issues then our relationship will be better. His IC said he has attachment issues, because he can never keep friends and does not get upset and is indifferent to the loss of a friendship. We don't really fight over these things as much as nag each other about them.
toughchoices Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Just wanted to chime in from a different perspective. You mentioned your husband becomes "soft". He may be having trouble with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. This might explain some hesitance on his part as far as the pressure of not being able to perform and not knowing when this will happen. Depending on age and other medical conditions he should see his physician and address the issue. The hard part will be for you to find a way to bring this up of course. Not sure if this is a part of the reason but it certainly could be.
Author redfathom Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 We have already talked about it. The ED has been on going for about a year. It seems like it is mostly emotional since he does not seem to have an issue with masterbating. He has said he feels to much pressure and also gets distracted easily. IMO he get's destracted easily because he is not enjoying himself. Does anyone know how emotionally devestating it is to be in the middle of sex to have your SO stop because he has an itch or tickle. Or maybe this is common and I am overthinking this?
Mr. Lucky Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 We have already talked about it. The ED has been on going for about a year. It seems like it is mostly emotional since he does not seem to have an issue with masterbating. Have you asked your H to temporarily stop masturbating so he can save his "energy" for your marriage and sex life? Sure seems like a reasonable request... Mr. Lucky
Lovelybird Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Just wanted to chime in from a different perspective. You mentioned your husband becomes "soft". He may be having trouble with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. This might explain some hesitance on his part as far as the pressure of not being able to perform and not knowing when this will happen. Depending on age and other medical conditions he should see his physician and address the issue. The hard part will be for you to find a way to bring this up of course. Not sure if this is a part of the reason but it certainly could be. too much masturbation and many porn can cause the *soft* He may even look at sex as dirty (according to the porn) rather than a deep connection with the one he loves or cares.
TechDude Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 < OK, Caveat ... this post will add nothing to the discussion or help the OP in any way ... it is just an emotional release for me.> What is is with all these sexually unsatisfied women posting lately??? If I'm lucky, I get sex 3 or 4 times per year, and even then it feels like she is doing it because she feels sorry for me and just lies there passively. I'm glad to see there are women out there who want some romance and passion with their sex. Sadly that isn't much comfort for me. (Maybe I should go visit the infidelity forum ... sigh!) So on Saturday I brought it up again. At around 5pm I asked him if he wanted to cuddle, which he took a while to get around to then I asked him if he wanted to make love and he said no, "maybe later." Aaaaaarrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Why are all the good women wasted on men who don't appreciate them. I'm going nuts!!!!!!!!!
Author redfathom Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 Hi again, So we had the talk again last night. He went to see his therapist and they talked about our sex life. He talked to his therapist about his curiosities and how he has to control them by looking at porn and that if he does not he could just go from one extreme to the other and, with out saying it, cheat. I should point out he is bisexual and he controlls his urges to sleep with men by looking at gay porn. I asked if they talked about healthier ways to control his curosities rather then sustaining or controlling them with porn and he said no. I then asked him how I am suppose to try and build a life with him knowing that he stuggles to control his urges. That one day he could lose it and cheat on me, he assured me that would not happen. He made a good point and said that hetorsexual men cheat and their is a risk with anyone, but that he is committed to me and would not hurt me. We talked about my obvious trust issues and he said he was hurt and asked if I could even trust him and I said, I trust him enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him and he said enough is not really that great. I told him I would have trust issues in any relationship and reminded him that he has done somethings to cause me to not trust him. I told him my lack of self esteem is what causes my trust issues and that is something I need to work on. He said he knew how hard it is not only knowing that I feel that I have to compete with women but also men. He said he wants to work on our sex life and said one of last times I was upset he tried to use porn to get himself in the mood. I asked (important) what kind he used to get in the mood and he said he did not remember but that it did not work. I keep asking him he I am holding him back from being 100% gay and he keeps saying no and that he loves me, had dreams and plans for us and wants to be with me. I told him I will always have doubt, I really wish I didn't. I wish I could trust him. Mr. Lucky, I have asked him and it seems to be out of the question. Like it would cause him to go nuts and cheat on me if he did. He did say in the past two weeks he has only masterbated twice. Lovebird, I asked him if he felt he was becoming desensatized to hetorsexual sex and he said no. techdude, Sorry for what you are going through. I hope you and your SO go to MC and get things worked out.
Author redfathom Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 On a side note, when he was in the Army in a foreign country where prositution is legal he has slept with a few prositiutes, we were casually talking about it and I asked him how many and he said, "4 over the three years" he was stationed there. I said, that can't be right because we were together for 1.5 of those years (long distance) and he said, yeah he had the dates wrong. So I asked him, did you cheat on me and he said no, but I can tell when he is lying (and he had the look on his face, which maybe I read into). So I said, "be honest with me, I would rather know you slept with someone then have you lie to me." And I told him I truthfully would understand if he had. He said he never cheated on me. But that is a huge slip of the tounge.
Pocky Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Your husband is gay; I am doubtful he will ever be able to share the sexual intimacy you desire in your marriage. Can you live the rest of your life in a sexless marriage? I tried to convince myself for seven years that being married to my best-friend was more important than being sexually intimate with my husband. Instead of putting my needs aside and trying to change who I was I should have done what he couldn't do - seen him for who he really was. My husband is gay, too. In four months the divorce will be final.
Author redfathom Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 I am sorry about your situation. I will read some of your threads to get more info. Good luck with your divorce and starting your new life. I honestly don't think he is stictly gay. I do believe him to be bi. I asked him if he wanted to be with men and he said the thought of sex with men turns him on but that he could never have a relationship with a man or does he think men in general are attractive as mush as just the sex act itself. My H is very honest with me on his sexual curiosities, do I still have to pause sometimes and wonder. Well, yeah and he knows this. Do I second guess having a life with him which could be ruined by his sexual preferences, yes I do. If that happened would I consider the time I spent with him wasted, probrably not.
Pocky Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I honestly don't think he is stictly gay. I do believe him to be bi. I asked him if he wanted to be with men and he said the thought of sex with men turns him on but that he could never have a relationship with a man or does he think men in general are attractive as mush as just the sex act itself. Can we say this a different way? "I asked him if he wanted to be sexual with women and he said the thought of sex with women doesn't turn him on, but he is more comfortable being in a relationship with a woman compared to a man. He finds women attractive, but doesn't have any interest in the sex act." Does that change things for you? You do realize that your husband is basically saying his sexual interests lie with men and not women? I don't think there's anything 'curious' about it to be honest. How will he be able to be sexually intimate with you if he doesn't desire you - for reasons that have nothing to do with you as a person?
Author redfathom Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 Yes, changing the words DO change the meaning, but I believe what he said is what he meant. That he does have a desire to be with women and men, just like hetorsexual men have a desire to be with more then one women. He is attracted to me, but we have his a lull, which is most likely due to emotional reasons then physical. It is not that he is afraid to be in a relationship with a man, been there done that. He did not like it, he is not afraid of what people would think, but that he DOES want to be in a relationship with me. He said I satisfy his desire to be with a women, the porn his other desires.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 He said I satisfy his desire to be with a women, the porn his other desires. Without getting too graphic, are there some "games" you could play together - strap-ons, B&D, S&M, etc. - that might allow you to be all things to him? Might change the power dynamic in your relationship for the better also ... Mr. Lucky
Darth Vader Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 To the poster: If he has ED, get him some meds to activate the sex drive thingy, then ride him til morning! Whatever you do, don't cheat on him, I say that because it may have crossed your mind, or not.
Author redfathom Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 Thos are options and we did talk about getting some more toys. I wonder how it is for him if I think our sex life is boring and I am a purly one man hetorosexual. He must be really bored, even though he say's he is not bored but that we have lost our spontinaity. Darth, cheating is out of the question, it's just not the type of person I am . While I am frustrated, I still love and respect him and could never cheat on someone I cared about. As for the med's it's something to look into. Thanks!
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