JohnS123 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Hello there, this is my first post but i could really use some advice. I've been with my girlfriend for a few months now and things were great at the start but for the past month she has become cold and moody. I stood by her and eventually she told me that this was because of her ex-boyfriend (who she was with for 4 years and ended because he cheated on her)she said things with me had moved to fast and she missed talking to her ex. she assured me she was over him and did not want to see him. I see my girlfriend most nights except for mondays when I am college I found out last tuesday (from a text message on her phone. I know it was wrong to read but I was at my whits end despratly trying to figure out what was wrong with her I felt this was my only option) that she went to see him while I was at college, this I would not mind but shes gone to great lengths to hide this fact. Even as far as to say "although I only miss talking to him, (while looking in my eyes and swaring to be honest) its not like I go to see him or anything" (which I know is a lie) The thing is, she acts very weird on a monday and seems to go "missing" for a few hours so im lead to believe this is not the only time she has been to see him. Finally we get to my problem, if I told her I knew she went to see him because I read through her phone she would be extreamly angry at me and possibly leave me. needless to say I dont want this to happen. I've not got college tonight and have not told my girlfriend of this fact I was going to "suprise" her by going to her house (finding that she was not there with no explanation) I would then drive to her ex's house to find her with him and then be able to confront her about it. I want to save this relationship but please do your best to answer a few questions for me - Do you think she is cheating on me with her ex or do you think these meetings are innocent? - Do you think i'm doing the right thing by driving to her ex's house to try and catch her there? - Is there another way to confront her about this? (please be aware that she has not been herself for over a month and i've tried everything else I can think of)
rosebud6712 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 first thing.....have you tried just confronting her about her being "missing" on monday nights?
dreamergrl Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I wouldn't confront her at her ex's - I would just be straight about it with her.
rosebud6712 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 you've answered your own question then......confront her, sometimes it's the hardest thing, but it maybe exactly how to answer the questions you have.
Hoffle Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I wouldn't confront her at her ex's - I would just be straight about it with her. I happen to agree with you, I can't think of a worse thing he can do than to storm around her ex's. I'm pretty sure if you do that, you'll lose any chance of saving your relationship with her. If I was you, I'd simply confront her about why she always disappears on Monday evening's and why did she lie about communicating with her ex boyfriend. If she fails to give you clear and percise answers to those questions, then I'd say you are in deep water as far as the relationship is concerned.
tanbark813 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 The questions at the end of your post are irrelevant. The fact that she's lying to you about seeing her ex is enough of a red flag to drop her. I've been with chicks like this before and they're just not worth the time.
Balthazar Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Not a good situation. You could confront her, go to her ex-s, do anything you want. But the fact is that she has made certain things quite clear in her own way. She longs for her ex-boyfriend and wants to be with him. Furthermore, I don't think it is only the fruitful conversation that she misses from her ex! And by the way, telling you about her ex is just her way of getting rid of some guilt and setting you up for what happens next. What happens next?Either: 1. She will dump you for her ex promptly. 2. She continues with the present situation(possibly disappearing at other times too) until she dumps you outright. 3. Her fling with her ex peters out and she returns to you. What your GF should have done is terminate her relationship with you, and then started "talks" with her ex BF. Whatever happens, your GF has shown you that you are not her top priority. I would dump her right now, and not worry about "salvaging" the relationship. After all, you are not the one who undermined it to begin with. Good luck mate!
NuTuDating Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I'm all for giving someone the benefit of the doubt - but if some girl wanted to see her ex, it would have to be in a setting where I could be present, too. And even then, I wouldn't put up with it on a regular basis. I can deal with a lot of things, but sneaking around seeing other people when you're supposed to be exclusive is a deal killer for me.
Ebeleptik38 Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 yup im dating a girl qho just got out of a long relationship, but has been very upfront about everything. She is still friends with her ex, but has said that she is not physically attracted to him in any way anymore. Even after being told this, I still had some insecurities about their now platonic relationship, and asked about them again. She was very clear about them and was understanding to what i needed to know. If for one second I thought she was full of crap, and if I knew she was going to go out of her way to hide her seeing her ex, I would immediately give her the "peace-out yo!". Don't let her put you through that, man. I might catch some heat for saying this, but from my experience its alot easier for men to be straight up about things especially when it comes to whether they want to be with someone or not, than women. Most ladies I've known seem to beat around the bush ALOT, keeping you as an option, something to just fall back on...like a blanket for their insecurities....NOT SAYING ALL...so ladies don't start getting all defensive Sometimes people are so good at it, that you don't even know...who knows...that could be me right now. LOL But from what i have read, given you already saw a text and strange behavior is going on...cut that beeyatch loose. If only people all had the balls to know wth they want and not leave people hanging on an emotional thread....
Author JohnS123 Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 (edited) Thanks for all the helpful responces, I confronted her last night. when i asked where she was she said she was visting her late grandads grave (how bad is that?) but her car was outside her ex's she then claimed she was "collecting her stuff" but shes been at least 3 or 4 times under the pre-text of "collecting her stuff" each time claiming he was not there and they would have to "re-schedule" Funny thing is she still does not have her stuff despite being there for nearly 4 hours (her excuses for not having her stuff vary from "forgetting" to "he started shouting at me so i just left") She flat denies that she went to his house last monday as well, getting extremly angry at me for bringing it up (but i know this is a blatent lie) She now tells me she needs "a few nights to get her head sorted out" she also said he wants her to "collect her stuff again tomorrow" shes said shes unsure if shes going to (unsure if shes going to get her "stuff" again but totally sure she does not want to see me) the weird thing is she seems to have turned the whole situation around so it seems like i'm in the wrong im even compelled to say sorry and im not sure why... the weird thing is at the start of our relationship she stated she wasextremely paranoid of ex's and my ex (from a very long time ago) sent me a text saying hello and asking how I was. I did not respond and told my current girlfriend in passing conversation she flipped saying "i cant deal with ex's any more trouble and ill leave you" since then i have hurd nothing from my ex. I can't help but feel there is a huge double standard here I've done my best to make her feel loved and respected i'd never hurt her or cheat on her. Am i being messed about? Is there any way i can get her to admit to seeing him last monday as well? Edited March 11, 2008 by JohnS123 Typos
Hoffle Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Ditch her man, don't put up with nonsense, you haven't got anything to apologise and what she says sounds like a load of excuses, if she really wanted to collect her stuff she would have done so, after all she's had plenty of chances. It doesn't take four hours to collect stuff, she is playing you for a fool. I'd walk and I wouldn't look back.
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Dump her hard. There's no excuse for anyone to continually go see their ex. On top of that, she's trying to manipulate you into feeling bad? What a ****ty person. Dump her today.
Max Overclock Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 The "compelling you to say sorry" ... making you feel like the problem is you? - Mind games my man, mind games! Ditch her. Like ... Yesterday, if not sooner.
Ariadne Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Oh, ----- ~ her car was outside her ex's ~ shes been at least 3 or 4 times ~ being there for nearly 4 hours ~ denies that she went to his house last monday as well, getting extremly angry ~ he wants her to "collect her stuff again tomorrow" ~ it seems like i'm in the wrong im even compelled to say sorry ~ she flipped saying "i cant deal with ex's, any more trouble and i'll leave you" ~ I've done my best to make her feel loved and respected i'd never hurt her or cheat on her. -------------------- Another pussy whipped guy! Be sure she doesn't love you. But I don't think you care as long as you can continue to be with her.
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Yep. She's a flake. Bouncing back and forth between men. She's screwed up in the head and selfish. Not to mention she's obviously cheated, she has lied to you repeatedly, and she's tried to manipulate you. That's like five or six strikes right there. What she needs is some sense slapped into her. Not that I would recommend you do that... what did Chris Rock say? "I'm not saying he should have killed her... but I unda-stand."
dreamergrl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 She's never going to be honest about it, so just move on. You can confront her till you turn blue in the face - but she'll never own up. People that turn their errors into other people's errors, and get defensive just don't seem to deal with their own mistakes. By her "needing to sort some things out" she's trying to regain control over the situation. She wants you to be pining for her to the point where you'll just up and forgive her or attempt to forget about the situation she created.
Author JohnS123 Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 She's never going to be honest about it, so just move on. You can confront her till you turn blue in the face - but she'll never own up. People that turn their errors into other people's errors, and get defensive just don't seem to deal with their own mistakes. By her "needing to sort some things out" she's trying to regain control over the situation. She wants you to be pining for her to the point where you'll just up and forgive her or attempt to forget about the situation she created. that seems exactly right, i feel "in the wrong" she makes out that i'm completely unjustified in taking exception to this it's not like i've gotten angry or anything i've simply calmly tried to talk to her about it i've learnt to accept the things i cannot change. i'm pretty sure shes going to his again tonight but i've kind of given up, whats the point in even trying to prove it? thank you for all the responces!
dreamergrl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 that seems exactly right, i feel "in the wrong" she makes out that i'm completely unjustified in taking exception to this it's not like i've gotten angry or anything i've simply calmly tried to talk to her about it i've learnt to accept the things i cannot change. i'm pretty sure shes going to his again tonight but i've kind of given up, whats the point in even trying to prove it? thank you for all the responces! Exactly - eventually it becomes pointless. I know it's tough, and I know the urge to want to prove it, or at least prove the actions, but at least you know that it's not you causing it. Find someone who isn't going to blame you and make you feel like sh*t just because they can't own up. And if she tries to pull you back in when you walk, don't give in. Twenty bucks says she'll do the "oh I wont see him anymore" bullsh*t, just to have her cake and eat it too.
Ebeleptik38 Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 yep she's just digging herself a bigger hole with the retarded lies that she's already conjured up.... c'mon....a woman that conjures up this many lies is really just a witch...lol dump the witch-bitch, for your own sake man! She is never going to confess now after all she has done to cover it up!!!
NuTuDating Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 that seems exactly right, i feel "in the wrong" she makes out that i'm completely unjustified in taking exception to this it's not like i've gotten angry or anything i've simply calmly tried to talk to her about it i've learnt to accept the things i cannot change. i'm pretty sure shes going to his again tonight but i've kind of given up, whats the point in even trying to prove it? thank you for all the responces! Dump her tonight.
carhill Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Why even dump her? Just don't contact her or accept contact. No live-in arrangement or marriage here. Just stop "dating" her. Exceedingly tough to do (remember back when I was OP's age) but confidence comes from facing challenges head-on. I wish you well
DanielMadr Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Would you be cold and moody towards someone you love because of your ex, the one you have absolutely no feelings for? And on top of it would you be extremely secretive about it? No. You probably would not. She told you she is not over with her ex. And you like a sucker believed the second part "dont worry Im cold bitch to you because of my ex....but I have no feelings for him" Ha Ha. Now you dont even have her respect. Ditch her. She doesnt care about you anymore. She is on her way home...to her ex.
DanielMadr Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 And by the way, telling you about her ex is just her way of getting rid of some guilt and setting you up for what happens next. Exactly, mate
DanielMadr Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Thanks for all the helpful responces, I confronted her last night. when i asked where she was she said she was visting her late grandads grave (how bad is that?) but her car was outside her ex's she then claimed she was "collecting her stuff" but shes been at least 3 or 4 times under the pre-text of "collecting her stuff" each time claiming he was not there and they would have to "re-schedule" Funny thing is she still does not have her stuff despite being there for nearly 4 hours (her excuses for not having her stuff vary from "forgetting" to "he started shouting at me so i just left") She flat denies that she went to his house last monday as well, getting extremly angry at me for bringing it up (but i know this is a blatent lie) She now tells me she needs "a few nights to get her head sorted out" she also said he wants her to "collect her stuff again tomorrow" shes said shes unsure if shes going to (unsure if shes going to get her "stuff" again but totally sure she does not want to see me) the weird thing is she seems to have turned the whole situation around so it seems like i'm in the wrong im even compelled to say sorry and im not sure why... the weird thing is at the start of our relationship she stated she wasextremely paranoid of ex's and my ex (from a very long time ago) sent me a text saying hello and asking how I was. I did not respond and told my current girlfriend in passing conversation she flipped saying "i cant deal with ex's any more trouble and ill leave you" since then i have hurd nothing from my ex. I can't help but feel there is a huge double standard here I've done my best to make her feel loved and respected i'd never hurt her or cheat on her. Am i being messed about? Is there any way i can get her to admit to seeing him last monday as well? Thats why the best method is to pack her things and place the boxes on sidewalk with a note not to contact you and "have a good life, ho".
Ebeleptik38 Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 thats actually a great idea.... you need to start thinking about yourself in this scenario, and know that the love and respect you have been giving to this girl is being totally stepped on....you already said it yourself that she's not even sweet to you, and she lies like she blinks an eye....F-THAT! Give her the the sub-zero shoulder, and a reality check.
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