eDave Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Hey all. New here. I have just begun to get out again after a relationship of 2 years. I am 42. So I am at a party at a friends house. Meet a woman who was getting closer and closer as the night went on. Eventually she was ready to go home but her ride wasn't so she asked me to take her home. I did. Invited me in, we had a glass of wine then she asked me if I would sleep with her. I said yes, of course. So we go to bed but she was pretty drunk so I didn't pursue anything, though she wanted to at first. Anyway, we sleep, get up, have coffee, talk more and I ask I tell her I didn't "make a move" because she was drunk. She appreciated that. So I ask her if she wants to have dinner sometime and she was quick to accept saying I am fun and she really enjoys me. I get hints that it is time to go so I do, kiss goodbye and head home. about 8 hours later I call her to see if her hangover was clearing, she got the things done she was going to do and that I was glad we met and I had a great time today hanging out and talking. I got her VM so I left all of this on her VM. No return call or anything at this point. So, was I pushy? What should I think of this? What is my next step!!? Was I mr. niceguy? not agressive enough? Blown opportunity? I will call her again tomorrow evening and I think that will be it.... Again, I am 42 and just out doing this again..... Thanks in advance. e
City_girl Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Not sounding good, the saying you are fun bit, hmmmm?. I am also 42 and dating , not easy is it lol She may have been embaraased and agreed to see you as you were in her house after all and she doesn't know you. You say you felt that it was time to go, never a good thing. If they want you there but need you to leave you usually know the difference, only you can tell. Was it an uncomfortable thing or a, I really need to leave but don't want you to go kinda thing? I would hold off on the call and wait and see. If she's in two minds at this point a call might sway her against seeing you, can't work it out but that does make us decide one way or another. Make her call you back anyway and there's no way this can turn into a cat and mouse game right from the start. Women like men who can hold back when they are backing off and be full on when they are. It's very simple with women if only men knew. Stop at a red light and go with the green full on, that's all we want. Good luck with it
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Dave, your first red flag here is the fact that this woman didn't really even know you and invited you back to her house for a one night stand. Not exactly the type you bring home to mom. Since she has no problem picking up on strange men and having sex with whomever strikes her fancy at any given moment, I'd definitely not put much stock in her. Maybe she hasn't called you back because she ran into some guy in the produce isle at the grocery store and invited him back to her place.
Author eDave Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 Thanks City_girl, Sound advise. I don't want this to turn into a cat and mouse game either, nor do I want to come across as needy and all that. "I" was the one uncomfortable with being there and uncomfortable with the speed of things. Not how I want to start anything. I probably came across as the "nice guy", which is OK but you have to be fun too! About leaving.... It just seemed like the right time. No pushing out the door BUT, as I think back, not a real warm goodbye you know? I will hold off on calling. The ball is in her court I guess. (See? Sounds like a game already!! ) Eh, something didn't feel right anyway....
Kamille Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Well kudos on getting back in "the game" eDave. I'm happy to have it confirmed, yet again, that there are plenty of gentlemen out there. I think successful dating happens when you learn to assess your partner's intent. In this case, it sounds to me like you're date has made it very clear that she is definitely looking for casual fun right now, but not so clear that she is looking for anything serious. So, if she doesn't call back, don't take it personnally. So, was I pushy? What should I think of this? What is my next step!!? Was I mr. niceguy? not agressive enough? Blown opportunity? I will call her again tomorrow evening and I think that will be it.... No you weren't pushy. If this woman was into anything serious she most likely would greatly appreciate everything you did. I don't think you did anything to mess it up. It takes two to tango - or play tennis - as the case may be, and you held your part of the bargain. I'm left wondering what you are looking for yourself right now? Are you hoping to meet someone you could have a long term relationship with? Would you be ok with casual one night stands?
Author eDave Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 Thank Kamille, What she meant by fun is that I made her laugh a lot, we had some pretty good immediate chemistry. I didn't get the impression she was "one night standing" me. But hey, maybe I'm naive about this whole thing. We had been talking that night about me helping her shop for and setup a wireless LAN/Laptop for her. That is what got us started. As to your question, I am looking for a relationship, I think. LOL. I am out of one now but it was soooooo messed up. Soooo messed up. So much so that I don't know what normal is or will be able to handle it..... I do not do one nighters, as evidenced by my NOT "sleeping" with her. She is my age, no children and does not want to get married. Right up my alley at this point so it was/is worth pursuing but I will wait for the return call.
Balthazar Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Dave, I think part of the problem is the "slut" factor. By not having sex with her that night, she may feel shamed in your eyes for putting out and you not accepting. Then again, at 42 and unmarried, she may be a pro at one night stands(a samantha jones type from Sex and the City) who likes men to be aggressive, guns blazing. Are you sure she was as drunk as you say? In any case, the ball (as you said) in her court.
Legend Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Women like to be taken advantage of. You should have slept w/ her, and then be like Ya, lets get dinner tonight, not "would you like to" when you ask a question, you become mr nice guy and a P*ssy in their eyes. Be confident.
Author eDave Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 Balthazar and Legend. Thanks for your opinions too. As I look back on the night, saying "yes" means "yes". She asked me and I said yes, then didn't. The "mr. niceguy" couldn't go through with it. (damn morals!! j/k) Who was I to say I shouldn't have. She ASKED me too! There were other signs there that align with what you guys are saying as well. Lessoned learned. I will be a different man if she calls me back. As a matter of fact, she offered my number, ensured I put it in my phone, even made me read it back to her. So when I called, not only did I get no answer but no personal greeting. Just the standard carrier message. So I am now thinking she gave me a bogus number!! After the whole "take my number" production.... Weird. Thanks everyone.
Author eDave Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 So here's a good one. I went ahead and called her again because I told her I would if I didn't hear from her. Her phone number is no longer available or has changed.... LOL She had her stuff together so I REALLY doubt she had it suspended. Seriously? Wow. WFT? I really know how to chase a girl away... I am going to love telling this story. Unbelievable. Surreal actually.
SeraBella Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 So here's a good one. I went ahead and called her again because I told her I would if I didn't hear from her. Her phone number is no longer available or has changed.... LOL She had her stuff together so I REALLY doubt she had it suspended. Seriously? Wow. WFT? I really know how to chase a girl away... I am going to love telling this story. Unbelievable. Surreal actually. Goodness Gracious! While the timing seems odd, I don't think she would change her number just because a man has called her a few times, even if she wasn't interested in dating. I mean, for heavens sake, you know where she lives! There have been many men who have had my number, and called it when I wasn't interested, but I've never considered changing it. Changing your number is a lot of work, ya know!! Next time you drive a drunk woman home, only accept the offer to go inside if you want to have sex with her.
Author eDave Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 Well now that I reflect on it a bit, she did say off-handedly that she was thinking of changing it due to her ex still bothering her. So I guess I pushed her in that direction. I have to think that I was part of her final decision or I would think she would have called me back and told me. Even if she "forgot", she still hasn't called me. I have half a mind to stop by her place and say WTF? But I won't. Life lesson. I am so new at this... But I would love to have that night back. Things would be so much different. As Mike Tyson once said "I will f--k you till you love me". Sorry...
nicki Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 You made the RIGHT call not sleeping with a drunk woman. Don't question yourself on that at all! You were a gentleman. A drunk person can't give consent. What kind of guy takes advantage of that situation? Glad you aren't that kind of guy. You will make a great boyfriend, which is much better than a great one night stand. (boyfriends can be both, but more than one night:laugh:) I also wonder how "drunk" she was. She might have been looking for a simple hookup. She also might have been embarassed over her "slutty" attitude, but, if that was the case, she would have made sure you had a good number to call. Afterall, you DID express interest. Cut yourself some slack. Be glad you didn't sleep with her. Any other prospects? As another poster said, next time, don't go into a woman's apartment alone until you want to sleep with her. I have always followed that rule as it pertains to guys' apartments, and it's a good one. Oh, and do make sure you temper your nice guy (which is a big plus) with your confident guy. When you ask a woman out, do so in a specific way, as in "Would you like to go out to dinner FRIDAY night?" No more vague, "Hey you wanna hang out sometime." Confident men are sensititive, and good at asking for what they want. Make sure you are getting treated well, and be willing to exit if not. Women respect that kind of attitude. In my opinion, this woman didn't treat you well and doesn't deserve another minute of your thought.
Author eDave Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 Nicki. Thank you for your kind words. I know I did the right thing. It just "backfired" in such a surreal way.... Now, would you like to go out Friday night? LOL How was THAT? Seriously, thank you. I am a nice guy and have always thought of it as my downfall. Tempering with the confident guy (which I am) is the best advise. Oh and make sure there is a fun guy in there too.
nicki Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I'd love to go out Friday night...:love: See how easy that was? You have a great sense of humor and a great set of morals, too. Women are going to love you!
SeraBella Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Well now that I reflect on it a bit, she did say off-handedly that she was thinking of changing it due to her ex still bothering her. So I guess I pushed her in that direction. I have to think that I was part of her final decision or I would think she would have called me back and told me. Even if she "forgot", she still hasn't called me. I have half a mind to stop by her place and say WTF? But I won't. Life lesson. I am so new at this... But I would love to have that night back. Things would be so much different. As Mike Tyson once said "I will f--k you till you love me". Sorry... lol...oooh the things we would do in retrosepct. Dating stinks. It seems the more you date, the worse it gets, but if you're looking to find someone to share your life with it's completely worth it when you find that someone.
SeraBella Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Seriously, thank you. I am a nice guy and have always thought of it as my downfall. Tempering with the confident guy (which I am) is the best advise. Oh and make sure there is a fun guy in there too. See? You got it! A lot of men never realize any of this. You're ahead of the game, my friend!
Author eDave Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 Thanks to you too Sarebella. Would YOU like to have dinner Friday night? It will just be the 3 of us. How's THAT for confidence! OK, now I've gone too far.
SeraBella Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Thanks to you too Sarebella. Would YOU like to have dinner Friday night? It will just be the 3 of us. How's THAT for confidence! OK, now I've gone too far. Of course I would! But that is my birthday, so it better be good. And I want dessert. And you better put out.
Author eDave Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 (edited) Sweet! As long as you are not drunk..... nicki, I suppose you want dessert too? Edit: Oh, and happy birthday! Edited March 11, 2008 by eDave
nicki Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Yes to desert, and yes, you better put out for me, too! Back off SeraBella, I saw him first...unless he wouldn't mind us SHARING him :laugh: Way to go on the confidence, Dave! Happy B-day, SerraBella!
Author eDave Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 But of course! And no need for desert for me. You two will do just fine. Well how can I NOT be confident. I just lined up a virtual 3-some. And please, ladies, no need to be formal here. Just call me Lucky. LOL. Thanks a bunch.
Green Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Getting drunk and having sex is a way of life here in america. I say if you thought she was hot, you should have probably had sex with her. And what was the point of doing the nice guy thing if you were going to make out with her and sleep there that night... Why do you keep saying you're new at this... sure you may have been 39 or something the last time you were single, but 42 shouldn't be that much different. Next time you decide to take a drunk women home and not screw her brains out, I say dont sleep there either
Author eDave Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 Oh no doubt KMT. You are totally right and I appreciate your directness. I guess by "new" I meant out of shape so to speak. It all just took me off guard and I ran the wrong play. I am not surprised about what she probably thinks of me. I am just shocked at the post mortem of it all. I feel it was totally salvagable and a chance to "redeem" myself. But she certaily nixed that huh? I think now though, regardless of sleeping with her or not, the result would be the same. All I would have had was a creeps attitude of "well at least I got laid". Whatever..
Green Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Oh no doubt KMT. You are totally right and I appreciate your directness. I guess by "new" I meant out of shape so to speak. It all just took me off guard and I ran the wrong play. I am not surprised about what she probably thinks of me. I am just shocked at the post mortem of it all. I feel it was totally salvagable and a chance to "redeem" myself. But she certaily nixed that huh? I think now though, regardless of sleeping with her or not, the result would be the same. All I would have had was a creeps attitude of "well at least I got laid". Whatever.. Wanting to get laid doesn't make you a creep. Confidence will be your key
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