My best friend/ little sister

[Jmina]

I have a family friend who i have been very close and important to since i was 13 and she was 3. She is now almost 15 and i am 24.

We have been through A LOT together, cried, laughed, been angry etc

I used to be everything to her, we adored each other. We wouldve done anything for each other.

She is really more like a younger sister.

 

Lately i have been feeling extremely frustrated and even hurt. Well for a quite a while now, at least 6 months.

 

I have tried talking it out with her and she listened and said she didn't realise but there are still things that really really bother me.

 

Basically i don't feel all that important to her anymore, i feel that i don't fit into her life anymore.

We used to dance together in the same ballet school for years, until she pulled out last year, she has said she wants to come back but when it comes to the crunch she hasnt. Despite us talking about it and making sure it is what she wants to do and that she is doing it for herself and noone else. There are 4 weeks left of the term and she still hasnt shown up, the really annoying thing is that she has promised me that if she can't come she will let me know (i am one of her dance teachers now as well as peer)

 

She doesn't.

 

It really bothers me that she just lets it go like it is not important. I asked her about it on msn a few times over a few different weeks and she just ignores it. I needed to know what she was doing as we have an important production coming up. She is a very talented dancer and dreams of being a dancer but her actions speak louder than words.

 

I basically have decided that she isn't coming back as i have been left to figure out her actions because asking her isnt working.

 

So i will get on with that i guess.

 

Also as she gets older she says that i am the only one she trusts. Yet she keeps going back to others she knows will hurt her.

 

One day i am her only real true friend and she loves me so much that "its unbelievable" and the next day she totally ignores me or even dogs me (doesnt show up to something we have arranged)

 

She knows that i will always be there and i think the thrill of having this cool older friend/sister person has gone. I feel used.

 

I love her dearly and i am thoughtful to her age, so i don't want to get over the top with this, but i do feel it has come to a point where i walk away a bit, or she makes more effort and thinks about my feelings a bit.

 

It can't stay this way though because i am always finding myself disapointed, hurt or annoyed.

 

It never used to be like this, and i realise it has started because she is the middle of her teens and is stepping out, testing the waters, coming back to me to feel safe, then goes out again and ignores me to avoid facing up to anything.

 

I can't take it anymore. We have talked about it but it just still happens.

 

Since we were very young we have seen each about 4-5 times a week

Now it is hardly ever.

 

Before this the age factor was no problem. we have always had our own friends including our own best friends but we have always had our own thing. We even spend xmas's together, this easter she is meant to be coming with us caming which will be awesome we will have a great time but i feel that a few days after or even a week after it will be like this again.

 

Now i feel that it is rediculous to try and keep our friendship rich and alive when she is in the middle of school and i am starting my life and things are changing for her and i dont know how exactly how to cope with it. but i dont know how to tell her. I think it will really upset her and it will upset me also, but as i am much older i feel she doesnt really need me on her back about anything, and doesnt really appreciate what we have anymore. She does in words, and she does in actions sometimes,other times it is like i don't exist.

 

I don't know, something has to change, because im not happy. She means a lot to me and someitmes i feel like i need her back like it used to be. I want that to change because its not working anymore.

 

She isnt going through the best time either i guess, but instead of telling me about it, im left to wonder what the hell is going on.

 

*shrugs*

help?

Thankyou

 

Jmina

[quankanne]

She knows that i will always be there and i think the thrill of having this cool older friend/sister person has gone. I feel used. I love her dearly and i am thoughtful to her age, so i don't want to get over the top with this, but i do feel it has come to a point where i walk away a bit, or she makes more effort and thinks about my feelings a bit.

 

oh hon, don't bash yourself this way – she most certainly does care for you, but as you've pointed out, she's hit her teen years and she's testing her wings. Not so that she can abandon you, but because she knows y'all have a solid relationship. And therefore probably doesn't realize how her behavior hurts you.

 

maybe it's time to pull her aside for a morning coffee and discuss your friendship, that you love her dearly and are excited to see her approach her adult years, but that she also needs to keep in mind that she must be mindful of not abusing relationships – even unintentionally – because it can be hard to work past the hurt in a quick manner. That part of growing up is to respect friendship by respecting the friend.

 

and then tell her that even though you see the potential she has as a dancer, you also understand that she's her own person who makes her own decisions, and that she needs to be sure that keep an open line of communication so that others don't suffer from her decisions.

 

I think once she understands that there is certain unacceptable behavior in a friendship, she might be more mindful of how she acts in y'alls relationship

[Green]

Im around the same age as you, and had a neighbor friend who is around the same age as the girl your talking about. And now that guy acts like a punk, probably because he is a teenager, but I really couldnt care less.

[Ronni_W]

Jmina, the biggest thing I get from your post is that you have a compassionate heart, and care very much for this person.

With that said, I should like to offer a different view for you to consider.

 

...i feel like i need her back like it used to be.

A way to restate that sentence is something like: "I don't want her to grow and develop EXCEPT as it suits my needs and preferences." (I know that's not in your heart but it is, in effect, what you are desiring.)

 

As you say, you are aware that it's related to her growing up, but perhaps there is also a part of you that is not really seeing/accepting the entire reality of what it really means for BOTH of you?

 

Your feelings are natural -- I think it's what parents go through when their kids start "leaving the nest". Remember when we hardly wanted to acknowledge that we knew them...let alone be seen in public with them?

Of course it wasn't that we didn't love and appreciate them -- it's just one of the normal strategies kids use to transition into independent and self-reliant beings. She must weaken her childhood bonds in order to develop strong, adult ones.

 

If you can, see this as being about HER healthy needs to move forward in life. Continue to be her unquestionable, loving and loyal supporter and mentor. She is growing and learning and adapting...your healthy and positive relationship hinges on you doing the same.

 

The alternative is for her to "stagnate and stay stuck" in your old relationship dynamic, which clearly would not be in her best interest.

[Jmina]

Sounds good Ronni_W

 

I am so glad i brought my problem here, i was so stuck before with what to do.'

I feel better about it now!

Thanks everyone