today is hard

[sedgwick]

I miss him so much. I'm really struggling with not calling him. You've all heard this before, but I mean, for god's sake, it's been eight months and it still feels like it happened yesterday. I cannot even IMAGINE dating. It's like I go through my day doing things I'm excited about, but I'm never as happy about them as I could be, because he's not with me. No matter how great anyone else thinks I am, he's decided to cut me out of his life completely, and that overrides anything good anyone else thinks about me.

 

When we broke up, and again when we talked a few weeks later, he told me he loved me and couldn't imagine a life in which we weren't close. He said, "If I decide I want this when I come home in November, we'll do it 110%." (Can I just say I loathe the term "110%?" But that's what he said.) So I waited around to see what he would decide, and...nothing. Not one word. Ignored me when I sent him a text about my book. Completely and totally cut me out of his world.

 

Why did he tell me he loved me and wanted to be close to me? Why didn't he just say, "I think it would be better if we never speak again?" Why did he lie? Was it just so he could hurt me even more?

 

I feel like he took my heart with him and I'll never get it back.

[e.clipse]

(((sed)))

 

I miss him so much. I'm really struggling with not calling him. You've all heard this before, but I mean, for god's sake, it's been eight months and it still feels like it happened yesterday. I cannot even IMAGINE dating. It's like I go through my day doing things I'm excited about, but I'm never as happy about them as I could be, because he's not with me. No matter how great anyone else thinks I am, he's decided to cut me out of his life completely, and that overrides anything good anyone else thinks about me.

 

you know, this is how i feel a lot of the time. there are days that are especially difficult, sometimes for a reason and often not; dating seems to be the Devil; and doing the things you love most are no longer as sparkly because of the dullness that still seems to loom over your heart. these days are especially hard--when you know that what you want is only a few numbers away, and it is so hard to resist.

 

but you have to. what good will it do you, sed? suppose he answers and you have a nice chat, then what? all you will gain are retrograde steps and empty hope. now suppose that he doesn't answer, then what? well, that will surely reaffirm where you stand on his priority list. either way--do you gain anything except hurt?

 

he has your phone number, sed. let him call you whenever he wants, and let it be you who decides whether to accept the call or decline.

 

how many train-rides have you taken where your tears are your only companions?

 

When we broke up, and again when we talked a few weeks later, he told me he loved me and couldn't imagine a life in which we weren't close. He said, "If I decide I want this when I come home in November, we'll do it 110%." (Can I just say I loathe the term "110%?" But that's what he said.) So I waited around to see what he would decide, and...nothing. Not one word. Ignored me when I sent him a text about my book. Completely and totally cut me out of his world.

 

the last time i spoke with my exbf, he said he would call me back. i am still waiting for a call i know will probably never come. to be honest with you, there are times i get text messages at random, and i secretly hope it is from him. but it is not, and it doesn't matter how much i hope, it just--well, it just doesn't matter.

 

Why did he tell me he loved me and wanted to be close to me? Why didn't he just say, "I think it would be better if we never speak again?" Why did he lie? Was it just so he could hurt me even more?

 

who knows why they chose to leave the door open enough so that the light that escapes in is enough to give you a wee bit of hope; what is the point when you can't see them, when they may very well not be there? they might as well have closed it, no? but they didn't. why? who knows? perhaps they meant what they said, at the time. or perhaps it was a way to let us down easily. or perhaps they are just inconsiderate and selfish people. who knows? do you know? does it really even matter when, regardless of reason, the result is the same: you are hurting.

 

I feel like he took my heart with him and I'll never get it back.

 

your heart is still in your chest. but, if your heart was a little person, what do you think it would say to you? don't you think it would cry as it told you how hurt it is? wouldn't you want to console it? wouldn't you want to protect it, to give it better? if so, then keep on your way, sed. just take a deep breath and reboot.

 

sometimes i can't help but wonder why he wants himself a fiddle player, when he is such a great fiddle, himself.

[nylah]

I'm so sorry for you....I've gotta say that I know all too well what you're feeling. I don't know why they do what they do. Hang in there.

[NotMyselfNEmore]

I don't know why men do that. I understand exactly where you are. It makes you feel powerless, helpless because you hear one thing but see another... I also can say "I know all too well what you're feeling".

 

The day I saw the love of my life for the last time, he said the following words to me:

 

"we are not breaking up. we have all the time in the world to work out our rough spots. I'm not throwing you out of my life, we just need time to think about what we want for this relationship and then, get on the same page so we can move forward."

 

Exact words!

 

Then, I never heard from him again. And the 3 times I tried making contact with him, he acted like I was bothering him!!!! WTF?? :mad:

 

2 years later, I still feel like I didn't get a reasonable explanation for his confusing attitude.

Edited March 10, 2008 by NotMyselfNEmore
trying to make sense

[nylah]

I was pretty much in the same pain back in august... although, I just left the area because I was losing myself too. If I called or continued to have contact, it would of been even more painful I'm sure. He was having his cake and eating it too.

 

Do you think you will ever get back with him? Even now, I feel like we'll be together again... and at least he will know that I am capable of saying "no", I am better than this, and thatI will not allow him to mistreat me. He will never know that I almost died without seeing his face and hearing his voice....and the other stuff. Just hold on, I promise you it will get better.

[spookie]

Would you be able to handle being friends?

 

Maybe once enough time has passed, and you've moved on from the romantic part, you can contact him one more time. Nothing emotional, just asking if he'd like a friendship.

 

I know that's unorthodox advice, but I'm feeling a lot better these days, now that my ex is back in my life to some degree. It was the paranoia of losing him completely that had my mind running in circles for so many months. Now at least I can feel like "if it's meant to happen, it will". When I wasn't even skimming the surface of his life, I knew that was unrealistic.

 

Some people need closure. For me, all I needed was to know the door was still open.

[hopenfaith]

Sed, I know how you feel. I haven't spoken to my ex in 3 1/2 months and I miss him so much & feel like i'm losing my mind. His birthday is tomorrow and he had a birthday party yesterday which I was not invited to. I don’t know why i'm shocked that I wasn’t invited to the party...we haven’t spoken in 4 months…I guess i’m just more hurt than anything.

 

When things ended he never said that he didn't want to speak to me again, his ending lines were "I think we shouldn't hang out for a while". We’ve been off and on for 3 years, and at that point we were clearly off. So I packed my stuff and left...I told myself that I wouldn't contact him till March and now it’s March and I don't know what to do. All of my friends are telling me to move on (esp. since he hasn’t called me either) but I love him, he's been my other half for 7 years (4 as my best friend).

 

I don’t want to lose him but I’m not sure what calling him would do/change. In the past we’ve reconciled within days or weeks of “ending” it. This has been our longest separation. I know he really doesn't want a relationship...with anyone right now, and I don’t either. I first and foremost I want my best friend back, and if we can be lovers again that would be wonderful…just one step at a time, my question is: Do I take the first step?

 

 

sorry for taking over the thread--just have a lot on my mind

[1bee]

sedgwick,

 

i really know what you're going through. but how long has it been since the break up? i actually admire you for not hating the bastard. there are some moments in the day or week where i'll feel completely empty like that because all i did was give and care for him and all he did for me in return was completely destroy my heart. and now i only feel anger and hatred when i think about him. he said the same bullsh*t to me. 'you're my best friend' and 'i can't think of going out with any other girl but you'. yet. he has my number and he never calls. instead he decides to cavort and spend all his free time with some dumpy scenester chick. what a f##king winner.

 

e.clipse said it perfectly. they say those nice things to you so that they can clear their own asses and feel great about themselves when they move on to their next catch. it's that simple. they really don't understand the pain they cause when they "leave the door open" like that and never will unless they are hurt like that themselves. they're just selfish people who beat around the bush and think they're doing you a favor by telling you those fake things.

 

we all want our best friends back but deep down we know that best friend is dead and we're really longing for a person that doesn't exist anymore.

[SarahT111]

Hey sedgwick

 

Im so sorry for what your are going through

I read a few posts by you last week saying you were doing well and I was so happy for you!

 

I really don't understand guys like our exs sedgwick. Mine too cut me out of his world!! Its SOOO painful to be so close to someone then suddenly be cut from their world. I could be dead now and my ex wouldn't know or even care less

I think this kind of of break up is one of the hardest and nastiest kinds.

I think (just me personally) that this kind of breakup will take a lot longer to recover from but you are doing so well so far!!

 

He sounds like my ex where he says nice things at the end to try and rid himself of guilt! Then runs away so he doesn't have to face what he has done. It is a very immature and cruel thing to do.

 

What really bugs me (and im sure you to) is that my ex got away scot free. He had another girl friend the next day and moved from me to her without a tear or the slighest bit of emotion.

I asked him if there was anything I could do to change his mind and he said 'not now, maybe in the future but not now'

With that he never spoke top me again. I have been through hell and back blaming myself entirelly thinking it must be all my fault that he never shed a tear and moved on the next day. I have been through the absolute worst 3 months of my life while he is out there totally happy with someone else without a care in the world!

 

HOW ON EARTH IS THIS FAIR!!!???? sure im not perfect but I don't think I deserved that!

And the same with you sedgwick! How is it fair that your ex can treat you like this and get away with it!

 

I to am surprised your not angry!! But that also so good! I get so angry and there nothing I can do about it so it just turns into a flood of tears

 

I hope that you were just having a bad day when you made the OP and that things are looking a bit better like in your previous posts!

Remember what he did to you was cruel and immature. It is one of the nastiest ways to breakup with someone (to cut them out of your life) so it will take a lot of healing.

Im am so so so sorry you are going through this. It is terrible i know, especially when you loved that person with all you had!

 

Please keep posting! You posts not only help yourself but they help me when I am having bad days!

 

take care!

[sedgwick]

Thanks, you guys, I appreciate it. You're all so supportive and it means a lot.

 

I am angry. I'm angry that he knew what a big deal it was for me to trust someone, told me i could trust him, told me he loved me, and then just all of a sudden one morning broke up with me, had sex with me, got up, got dressed, and took my keys off his key ring. THEN he sent me several stupid text messages within the next week that sounded like postcards to your aunt: "Hi! Michigan is nice! Camping in the woods! How are you?" That kind of thing. I wrote back and told him I was VERY SAD but I was on my way to a bellydance festival. He wrote back on Monday saying, "I hope your festival was fun! I'm backstage at (somewhere) changing a string."

 

He dumped me July 16 of last year. It's been almost 8 months. We've had two conversations since breaking up. The first was at the beginning of August, and it was really good and he was sweet and he told me he loved me. The second was awful and happened the last week in August. He was cold as ice and left me cryiing. He was in town for 48 hours and he said, "I'm just thinking of this as another stop on tour. I can't go calling everyone."

 

I somehow became "everyone" to him, just one more person who wanted something from him. So he told me I needed to be a fiddle player and I told him I would always love him exactly the way he was, and that's the last thing I said to him.

 

I have no idea whatsoever where he is or what he's doing or anything. He just turned into a different person overnight and disappeared. I honest to god thought he was the guy I was going to marry.

 

There's a pesky voice inside my head that keeps telling me it was my fault, I did something wrong, etc. I wish I could get rid of it.

 

I cannot imagine behaving the way he did. He turned into a jerk literally overnight and he knows he broke my heart. And he knows he put a ridiculous condition on returning the love of someone who loved him unconditionally. It hurts deeper than anything I've ever been through. I feel like I'm digging my way through jello, all day every day. I know it's only a matter of time before I run into him on the street and fall into a sobbing puddle. I am so stressed out and anxious about it that I walk around with a knot in my stomach. I can't sleep. (Case in point: now.)

 

I am in love with someone who isn't in love with me. Someone whom, it would seem, hates my guts and doesn't care if he hurts me. It sucks like you sonuvabitch.

[sedgwick]

sorry i posted twice by mistake

 

also, forgive typos, i'm exhausted but i'm too stressed to sleep.

Edited March 11, 2008 by sedgwick

[LakesideDream]

Sed, I've been reading your story for a long time now. I haven't commented. I'm still not going to comment on your situation.

 

What I do want to write is that I feel very bad about your situation. It's painful to read what you are going through. There is no pleasure in hearing your pain, and anguish, and I hope sincerely that with time it will begin to pass.

 

In my thoughts,

[AvgJoeDoe]

Well i was in the same boat i dumped her but finish regreting that action, but in my case it was a necessary action to do because of the relationship struggle we needed some time off to think of what we really feel. but when i realized how much she meant to me she was gone for good, moved on with some other guy. I dont lose hope but im also being realistic now well its been over 3 months now and its time to move along and do good things for myself i dont think she is thinking of me when shes having fun with the other guy, so that motivates me on being a better person.

[sedgwick]

Thanks, lakeside, that means a lot. Sorry for being a drag.

 

I can't believe it's 8 months this week and I'm still crying. I do go for longer spells between cries now, though, and that's something. Every little step is something for which to be thankful.

[Confused9]

I am in love with someone who isn't in love with me. Someone whom, it would seem, hates my guts and doesn't care if he hurts me. It sucks like you sonuvabitch.

 

 

UGH!!! Me too : (

 

My situation is some what similiar. Finally opened my heart, trusted a man, something I was terrified to do. He promised to love me forever. Met someone else after being with me for 7 years and was as mean to me as you are to someone who shot you in the chin. It's heartwrenching. Sometimes I don't want to go on, but you and I...we deserve better - perhaps this was destined to happen so we could be with someone who really truly loevs us?

[smoochie]

I miss him so much. I'm really struggling with not calling him. You've all heard this before, but I mean, for god's sake, it's been eight months and it still feels like it happened yesterday. I cannot even IMAGINE dating. It's like I go through my day doing things I'm excited about, but I'm never as happy about them as I could be, because he's not with me. No matter how great anyone else thinks I am, he's decided to cut me out of his life completely, and that overrides anything good anyone else thinks about me.

 

When we broke up, and again when we talked a few weeks later, he told me he loved me and couldn't imagine a life in which we weren't close. He said, "If I decide I want this when I come home in November, we'll do it 110%." (Can I just say I loathe the term "110%?" But that's what he said.) So I waited around to see what he would decide, and...nothing. Not one word. Ignored me when I sent him a text about my book. Completely and totally cut me out of his world.

 

Why did he tell me he loved me and wanted to be close to me? Why didn't he just say, "I think it would be better if we never speak again?" Why did he lie? Was it just so he could hurt me even more?

 

I feel like he took my heart with him and I'll never get it back.

 

 

Sorry you had a bad day. Things like "110%" triggers are hard for me too. Understanding why people respond they way they do sometimes is difficult. I read a post somewhere on here where the guy wanted some answers and his ex replied "why do you need answers, is not going to change anything". And that is really true. As much as we want the answers, what we really want is the relationship. If he told you all the things you wanted answers to, would that be enough?

 

I responded to you on another thread but in case you didn't see it, I really get inspiration from you. Your posts are well stated and honest.

 

Feel better!!

[sedgwick]

Every reply I get here feels like a lifeline right now. I don't know why it's gotten so much harder lately, but it has. I'm not going to get any answers from him, any closure. He's gone. He disappeared. He could be dead for all I know. He decided he liked his life better without me in it in any way, shape, or form.

 

Sometimes it hurts so much I laugh because I can't cry anymore.

[Biker2007]

Sedgwick,

 

I am in your same situation as far as time of breakup (Jul) and NC (Aug), and the sense of loss has also kicked my butt lately. Seems like the struggle between head and heart is causing this new low feeling. My heart just won't give up the slim hope that a second chance is coming. My head knows this is not going to happen.

 

I hope someday soon our hearts and minds will be in sync and in a much happier place.

 

Good luck!

[sedgwick]

Same to you, biker. Somehow we'll all get through it, right? It can't hurt this much forever.

[EllaDerSpin]

Sedge,

Sometimes we get an identity from our relationships, and sometimes we get an identity from our pain, usually we hang on to both long after is neccessary or healthy.

The pain you feel is real, of course, but do you still need it? Do you want to let it go? Is something stopping you from letting it go?

[s_n_d]

sedgwick, Itll be alright.

When I feel like your feeling now, I listen to The beatles-Let it be. The version from the movie Across the universe is my favourite at the moment. That song and With a little help from my friends.

 

These two songs always make me feel better.

 

Go out and have some fun until this awful feeling you have subsides.

It will be okay, hun. Hang in there.

[sedgwick]

The pain you feel is real, of course, but do you still need it? Do you want to let it go? Is something stopping you from letting it go?

 

I would love to let it go. I'm so exhausted from loving him every second of every day. Always before, at 8 months post-breakup, I've been okay -- still hurting, perhaps, but considering dating again. This time I can't even imagine dating anyone else. I could never trust anyone again, not like I trusted him. I am haunted by this one -- by his face, his laugh, everything about him. I remember him like he was here yesterday. I still dream about him almost every night.

 

Of course I know that I'm the furthest thing from his mind, but still, I love him. I wish I could love him even the slightest bit less than I did when he left, but this one was the real thing. He didn't feel it, of course, but I did.

 

When you tell someone you'll love them forever and then they leave, how do you take that love back? I told him, I meant it, I still mean it. Just because he's not speaking to me doesn't mean I love him any less.

[Confused9]

Of course I know that I'm the furthest thing from his mind, but still, I love him. I wish I could love him even the slightest bit less than I did when he left, but this one was the real thing. He didn't feel it, of course, but I did.

 

When you tell someone you'll love them forever and then they leave, how do you take that love back? I told him, I meant it, I still mean it. Just because he's not speaking to me doesn't mean I love him any less.

 

 

I feel the same EXACT way and mine is getting married and having a baby. Granted, only 4 months after he broke it off and with the OW but still...OY!

 

I understand where you are coming from. I just hope for our sakes...we can get over it SOON

[EllaDerSpin]

When you tell someone you'll love them forever and then they leave, how do you take that love back? I told him, I meant it, I still mean it. Just because he's not speaking to me doesn't mean I love him any less.

No you can't take love back, maybe you don't have to. Send him great loving vibes and good luck in his life. You seem like the type of person who has a lot of love to give.

Why is it exhausting to love someone? It isn't really exhausting to love someone. What is exhausting is fighting against the reality that you are no longer together. If you accept it, what then?

Maybe you can love him anyway, whatever, and that is okay. Maybe you can love more than one man too. Why not?

[carrotgirl]

Maybe you can love more than one man too. Why not?

Ooooh! I like this idea very much! Sed, I haven't had anything to contribute, but I say loving more than one man has to be a good thing. The more love going around our world, the better.

 

Carrot