Hanna5290 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Hi I'm Hanna and I'm 21 years old. I've resorted to this forum after laying in bed for 2 days going back and forth in my head. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months and I've known him for only 6 months. I know your thinking... how can you already have problems? you've just started dating it's supposed to be the honeymoon stages. I've had many relationships in the past that were extremely hard so honestly I have knowledge beyond my years. Anywayz we have become extremely close in a short amount of time closer than I have been with some bf's of 3 years. He's an amazing guy smart, funny, compassionate, and most importantly honest. Basically he's eveything I could have ever hoped to find and more. So here's the problem, He's is 23 and he has a 2 year old son. I've never thought this would be an issue for me but it has been for some reason. The other woman doesn't bother me because they never dated it was a one night stand and honestly they actually hate eachother. I guess what bothers me is my whole life I've been looking forward to having kids and a family in the future. Currently I'm a student when things get hard and I just want to quit the future of my future kids goes through my mind and I keep pushing on. It's very important to provide a stable enviroment for my kids. I guess a husband with a previous kid just never seemed in that picture. Anyways, my boyfriend has grown up differently from me he doesn't have the means to go to school. He's working a job that doens't pay very well and with half his check going to child support. I'm paying for all the dates and sometimes gas in his car and even his rent. I'm trying to encourage him to go back to school because as of right now he only gets to see his son every other weekend so now would be the time. Recently he's been talking about moving in with me because it would save us both a lot of money but with a kid involved it'd be a very big step for me. Here are my questions, Will my bf have enough time to build a strong enough relationship with me so that we can have a family? Why does it hurt me when he constantly tells me... "Just so you know my son will always come before you no matter what." ? I mean I know that's the way it is but it still hurts my feelings. Will I quit feeling like a bad person? Cuz when I look at this innocent 2 year old I can't help but think you're the reason I can't be 21 and go on dates with my boyfriend. And your the reason I won't have my fairy tale family i've always dreamt about. I know that's not fair to put on this child because it's not his fault so these thoughts make me feel awful Can we make it through moving in together? He's not one of these guys who wants me to take care of his kid for him so it's not like i'd be stuck at home those weekends but still can I really handle it? Is it worth staying with him for when I'm the one who wants to make something of myself and my life and he seems to just go where the wind takes him? Why can't what he's working for be for both me and his son and not just his son? He talks about marrying me all the time but he doesn't say he's working for me too. I'm sorry for all the questions and how long this is I'm just so confused and running out of time. We will be having the "talk" within the next couple of days. Anything you can tell me would be greatly appreciated! Thank You
xpaperxcutx Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Okay, the first thing that strikes a red flag for me is you paying for all the dates, his gas, and his rent.....You guys just dated for 3 months, when did you suddenly become his mother? There is no relationship when you begin supporting the other person. A relationship is based on a balanced contribution from two persons, who treats each other with an equal amount of respect and love. Now I really don't see any respect from him when he starts asking you to help pay his rent. Equally embarrassing is him having the decency to ask to move in with you. You can't move in with a person who's going to live off of you, with nothing to contribute to the whole of it. And he has baggage to boot. Now I have nothing against children, but when you're 23 and you have a 2 yr old son from a one night stand, that says alot. You sound like a very loyal gf, and I understand that you feel like you have to fight with you bf's son for his attention. And its also understandable that he would place his son above you, since that's his flesh and blood. But think about this, no man in his right mind, if he loves you so much, why would he even acknowledge that fact so BLATANTLY as you put it? If anything he should be more considerate of your feelings and try to make you understand very well that he would try to incorporate you both into his life equally. This is a man who's after you for your money support and nothing else. He can't be everything you want if he sponges off of you and refuse to go back to school on your advice to at least make something of himself.
Geishawhelk Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 If you're only 21 but you have experience beyond your years, then you'll already know the answer. What are you asking us for? You are far, FAR too young to be thinking of taking this on as a major project - how long for - for life? is that what you see for yourself? if not - for how long, then? Until he's ready to stand on his own two feet - by which time you will have sacrificed your 'best years' for him and another woman's child ?? You know already what you should be doing. Your walking away will create problems with regard to his son, but - you know what? That's not your problem. "Just so you know my son will always come before you no matter what." How generous. Fine. Let his son 'come before you'. he'll soon see that his son instead of you is not as rosy as he'd like.... You have a life to live, and you have a right to a life the way you want to live it.
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