nadiaj2727 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Sorry to kind of t/j Gwyneth, I just realized I didn't talk about your original question at all. When I ignored xMM he became a big silly baby, and a jerk. He thought of any reason to make me talk to him... he supposedly "fell down" when he was doing a trail run in the mountain -- yeah right, I'd run with him every weekend and he had never once fallen down, he's done it every weekend of his life for years and just happens to "fall down" and need help the day after I tell him no contact -- and he had panic attacks in the middle of the night and he thought he was getting an ulcer and he needed me for work, it was a dire work emergency at 8pm on a Saturday! call quick, etc. I know I sound harsh but it got really ridiculous. He would call me at 2am sobbing and crying. At first I felt so bad for him and I kept giving in. He knows I am a nice person and I had feelings for him and I believe he took advantage of that, he tried every trick in the book. One day I said, okay MM time to grow up. If you are this distressed about losing me and you really need me so much, you would have been divorced by now. He begged me to give him just one more week and swore he was getting divorced etc. etc. etc. and by that time I didn't even care, I didn't even want him becuase I saw what a big manipulative selfish lying baby he was. I was like, geez, your poor wife can have you and I have no idea why she wants you. Yes that is mean (and now I do remember more good times and how I felt about him, but at the time he really drove me crazy until I was so so so so glad to get rid of him). I am too passive and I don't recommend the approach I took. Yes eventually it led me to not want him anymore which is a really good feeling. But in the meantime it tore out parts of my sanity and my happiness bit by bit. That man did a number on me (and I let him). So I recommend instituting NC and sticking with it no matter what kind of "emergencies" suddenly arise -- remember he has a wife for that, which is why the two of you can't be together -- and no matter how "sad" he gets (remember that words/ feelings are just that and all that matters is ACTIOn, or lack thereof. Words are just blah after awhile coming from a married man who is cheating, and actions become very, very telling.)
Owl Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 My wife's OM went NC on her shortly after d-day...I'm assuming that it was for the same reasons/goals as others here...to force her to choose. She tried calling him a couple of times, got very short responses back from him. Then she decided to work on our marriage, and they didn't communicate for about a month. Out of the blue, he drops a "fishing" email on her...which she fell for, hook/line/sinker. But I found out about it almost immediately. I waited a few days for her to tell me about the resumed contact, but she didn't do so until my obvious hurt/anger led her to figure out that I knew. In a fit of anger at not being able to "have him as a friend anymore", she wrote him an email asking for NC. I followed up with a very polite email to him asking for the same thing. She attempted to break NC a few days later, and he rebuffed her telling her that she agreed to no longer talk to him. So the bottom line is that both of them were hurt when the other started 'ignoring' them. But both of them got over it and realized what they were doing was wrong, and ended the relationship from there. Not exactly an answer to your question, but close.
Love is Tragic Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 My now exMM and i really only had one "fight" that resulted in me blowing off his phone calls and texts for a few days. Came as a shock to him, since we always talked several times throughout the day, except on weekends. He called me about 5 times, to which i ignored, and also sent texts. He finally caught on to why i wasnt talking and tried to send apologetic voicemails and texts, lol. A few days later i cooled off and contacted him, and it was all good!
Author Gwyneth Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 So it seems like a mixed combination of responses--either it worked or didn't work. Interesting.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 When I implemented NC, it drove him crazy...First it royally pissed him off... Then he realized he was going to ruin the best thing he was ever a part of and he started walking the walk... I went NC for me...He went into action for "us"...
Lookingforward Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 But, But ,But...many betrayed spouses will not own up to... exactly what? Please explain what it is you want me to...own up to. TriMax For myself .. I said "own" not "own up to"... there's a difference
Owl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 So it seems like a mixed combination of responses--either it worked or didn't work. Interesting. Gwen...how do you define "worked" in this sense?
trifecta Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 OK Lookingforward -which part of my husband looking for an affair , would you like me to "own"? TriMax
Author Gwyneth Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 Gwen...how do you define "worked" in this sense? Sorry, let me Clarify... Worked by getting the results you were looking for (whether it was to get attention from the person, or to not get attention from the person), and not worked because, well, vise versa.
LOVE DAISIES Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Gwyneth....It seems the MM in my case wants me MORE when I want nothing to do with him. I made a thread tonight about him emailing me...and it's annoying because I KNOW it's for his OWN selfish needs. Regardless of how "pretty" or sweet his words are. Are you hoping doing NC will provoke some sort of decision from the man you were seeing?
Author Gwyneth Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 Gwyneth....It seems the MM in my case wants me MORE when I want nothing to do with him. I made a thread tonight about him emailing me...and it's annoying because I KNOW it's for his OWN selfish needs. Regardless of how "pretty" or sweet his words are. Are you hoping doing NC will provoke some sort of decision from the man you were seeing? Not really; this was a general question and something I have practiced. I have noticed that with some men, they don't like when ignored. They will do almost Anything to get your attention. MM had a more subtle way of showing me he didn't like when I'd ignore him. He'd look at me with that sad puppy dog look (and I fell for it...of course ). It's just that sometimes I needed space and dealing with him earling in the morning was the last thing I needed--especially on Saturday mornings at 7 am!!! Sadly, I will admit that my means of ignoring MM and some of my exes was to get a response from them. But there were times, especially with MM, that I just needed my space and to Not be bombarded with his stupidity.
Lookingforward Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 OK Lookingforward -which part of my husband looking for an affair , would you like me to "own"? TriMax As I don't know your story I can't say, but from reading the stories here, it seems most affairs don't happen in a vacuum. To me in any relationship if both parties needs are being met then there is no "need" to look elsewhere, no ?
Author Gwyneth Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 As I don't know your story I can't say, but from reading the stories here, it seems most affairs don't happen in a vacuum. , I LOVE that analogy
Trimmer Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 (edited) So it seems like a mixed combination of responses--either it worked or didn't work. Interesting. Sorry, let me Clarify... Worked by getting the results you were looking for (whether it was to get attention from the person, or to not get attention from the person), and not worked because, well, vise versa. I think this is a useful example of how NC is not a reliable tool for predictably affecting someone else's behavior. If about half the time you get a "vice-versa" result, then it's really no better than flipping a coin, right? NC is reliably useful as a way of drawing a boundary around yourself, to give yourself space to detach, heal, and move on from a relationship that you've decided needs to be over. That doesn't mean it works instantly, or that it guarantees that the other person won't try to contact you, but if you do it and stick to it, it provides the most efficient "way out" towards your future. If you are just using it as a short-term tool to maniuplate a person or a continuing relationship, it seems bound to be highly unreliable. As I don't know your story I can't say, but from reading the stories here, it seems most affairs don't happen in a vacuum. To me in any relationship if both parties needs are being met then there is no "need" to look elsewhere, no ? Lookingforward: if I draw a pretty clear dividing line, and say that I absolutely own (and even "own up to") my part in the state of my marriage, and the influence and effect I had on everything that fell within the boundaries of our marriage, but that I just as absolutely refuse to own any part of my wife's choice to go outside that boundary and cheat to get her needs met, could you respect - or at least understand - my stance? Or in your opinion, am I not owning enough of the situation? ( I say that without sarcasm; I'm trying to understand your point here... ) Edited March 12, 2008 by Trimmer
Lookingforward Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Lookingforward: if I draw a pretty clear dividing line, and say that I absolutely own (and even "own up to") my part in the state of my marriage, and the influence and effect I had on everything that fell within the boundaries of our marriage, but that I just as absolutely refuse to own any part of my wife's choice to go outside that boundary and cheat to get her needs met, could you respect - or at least understand - my stance? Or in your opinion, am I not owning enough of the situation? ( I say that without sarcasm; I'm trying to understand your point here... ) That WAS my point, that you "own" your part in the state of the marriage/relationship. You do. Some won't even "own" that.
Trimmer Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 That WAS my point, that you "own" your part in the state of the marriage/relationship. You do. Some won't even "own" that. I accept that, and I believe we agree on that point. I think what raised hackles a little bit was this statement: ...over and over BS will not "own" their part in his looking elsewhere for validation. ... as I draw a very distinct line between the state of the marriage, within its boundaries, and any decision by one partner to break that boundary. It may seem a fine line to some, but to a BS it's an important distinction.
underpants Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I think what raised hackles a little bit was this statement: ... as I draw a very distinct line between the state of the marriage, within its boundaries, and any decision by one partner to break that boundary. It may seem a fine line to some, but to a BS it's an important distinction. This is (for me) a profound perspective. In that, 2 times I have personally seen such a thing. Once a wife that was so unhappy that threw witholding of affection she got (IMHO) and after a year, got what she wanted...cheating and an ultimate divorce. Seven years later. She makes not too many bones about it, but is satisfied with the blame (if that make weird sense?). If it matters she is still single and not so happy romatically. The other is a current wife that is in the process of the same train of thought. She is convinced that her husband would never cheat and he is a good man. However, I just sit on the sidelines and wonder what it is that she wants? She is also witholding. Confounding to me. She also confesses to me that it would be so easy to turn it around. Hmmm. Just an honest girl noticing from the other side of the fence. Seems to me like there are pitfalls on both sides. Heck, maybe I made the right choice to be single and with my personal integity in tact...
Lookingforward Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 This is (for me) a profound perspective. In that, 2 times I have personally seen such a thing. Once a wife that was so unhappy that threw witholding of affection she got (IMHO) and after a year, got what she wanted...cheating and an ultimate divorce. Seven years later. She makes not too many bones about it, but is satisfied with the blame (if that make weird sense?). If it matters she is still single and not so happy romatically. The other is a current wife that is in the process of the same train of thought. She is convinced that her husband would never cheat and he is a good man. However, I just sit on the sidelines and wonder what it is that she wants? She is also witholding. Confounding to me. She also confesses to me that it would be so easy to turn it around. Hmmm. Just an honest girl noticing from the other side of the fence. Seems to me like there are pitfalls on both sides. Heck, maybe I made the right choice to be single and with my personal integity in tact... In my opinion someone who witholds affection /physical contact in a marriage has already abandoned their relationship, they are already "cheating" their partner, if you will.
Never_Again Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I was just wondering, to those who are or were the OW/ OM, how did your MM / MW react when you ignored them? Did they want you even more, or accept that you were ignoring them? We ignored each other. He didn't break contact until he found out I was going to pursue him for child support.
stillafool Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Yes I can see this happening with MM now that he knows Gwen is pregnant. He is going to lay low. He is probably going crazy because he knows he has to tell his W about Gwen's pregnancy. He is probably afraid of what telling his W about this will do to their pregnancy. She may get really sick from the stress. You can bet this guy is losing sleep because he knows he could lose everything. Gwen I would watch this guy if I were you. I have heard too many bad stories about pregnant women and men who don't want to pay child support. I would stop meeting with him alone if I were you.
Author Gwyneth Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 Thank you for your concern, but I'll be okay I don't forsee this man hurting me physically. I'm not at All concerned about that. As for his wife, well that's for him to deal with. I can't concern myself with that--that much I have learned and realized. He'll tell her, and it might not be today or tomorrow or even next month, but eventually he will do the right thing and tell her. Anyway, this isn't the point of this thread anyway. I wanted to know how MM or MW you are or were dating reacted when you went with NC or ignored him or her. Let's continue to focus on that. Thanks.
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