Kaito Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I've posted this on another love forum, and i really need some help (although maybe I'm just denying the obvious). I'm going to copy and paste both posts of mine, and in the middle mention some of the feedback I already got. Also, this is SUPER long. Post one: [FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica][sIZE=2]I will admit I'm not married, but I have been with this one person for about 5 years. We started dating the day after our High School graduation and have been going out almost exclusively ever since. There was a time when we became really fed up with each other about a year after living together through college, and we broke up. In that time, I saw someone else (an old guy I never really wrapped things up with, but hadn't been quite as serious with), and it didn't work out. My ex, the whole time, obviously wanted to get back with me and he was very jealous (he still is jealous). We still lived together because there was nothing we could do about it. When I came back from a trip I took to visit the other guy I was crushed. It was the worst week of my life. He was very supportive and really helped me get through it. I didn't want to get back with him... I REALLY didn't... but my mind must have been playing tricks on me because I couldn't remember why I wasn't dating him. Since we broke up, we were just friends now, no commitments, so we were getting along GREAT (when he wasn't acting jealous that is). He had been working out and actually eating right so he looked better, too. I had never really been very attracted to him, but he looked good then. He also had learned how to do stuff for himself (like cook and laundry), so I didn't have to worry about getting stuck doing all that stuff for him. I told him that we could date again on the condition that we had no more communication issues, because thats what tore us up the first time. Now, we've been back with each other for almost a year now. At first it was great. I felt like we had really worked through all the kinks and were approaching this from a more mature place. However, communication problems seem to arise now and again. His temper is worse and he STILL acts jealous, untrustworthy, whatever over the fact that I saw that other boy. Mind you, we WERE NOT DATING when I went out with him. I wasn't even in contact with the other guy until we broke up. I didn't break up with him with any intention of getting together with the other guy. At all. I was just SO fed up with fighting, cooking for him, doing his chores, getting yelled at, whatever. And when I came in contact with the other guy, he was mature, respectful, and could actually cook for himself. I was very attracted to him as well. I still am not extraordinarily attracted to my boyfriend. It is very rare that I feel "in the mood" sort to speak. Or, rather, rare that I feel "in the mood" with him. I feel bad about this, like it means I shouldn't be dating him... but, on the other hand, I have a very deep connection with him. We finish each others thoughts and sentences. We get along great (mostly). My only issues with him is his temper and how he can be very juvenile with painful things. Also, the obvious thing about not being attracted to him. Then there's also the fact that I worry about what we want out of life. I know he used to want kids, get married, but now he tells me that he just wants to be with me and whatever I want is fine. I don't want to get married (at least not to him), I think I might want kids (but probably adopt->he says he doesn't want to adopt)--I don't want to have kids with him. Occassionally my mind changes on this topic (I seem to have moments, maybe even a week at a time, where I am really in love with him and even attracted to him, where I want to only be with him), but I usually feel that I don't want to marry him or have kids with him... and based on that I know I couldn't do either. These occassional feelings of just DEEP love for him really throw me off guard. This happened even when we were having trouble last time around. This time there's not a lot of trouble, but I seem to feel the same. It was the communication issues that gave me the leverage to break up with him last time. Now, nothing's really wrong, I don't want to hurt his feelings, I'm not even SURE I want to break up, but I feel my mind wander ALL The time... and I can't help but think that if I loved him, my mind wouldn't do that. When I was with the other guy for that short time, I was TOTALLY in love with him. THere was nobody else. Granted, I was also infatuated... so I wonder... whats love? What's infatuation? What's just pure sexual desire? Where do you draw the line between one and the other, and how can you tell if you love someone for life? I love my current boyfriend, I do. VERY much. I'm just not 100% sure I want to be his girlfriend... at least not forever. I keep thinking that it'll last another year or so, and then we won't be dating. I have NO idea why I think this, whether its just a feeling or a desire/hope, but... there it is. I would really like some advice on this. I know I gave you only brief glimpses of what we're like, and its hard to judge on that... and I really only went over our problems (which I don't think are that bad, and are mostly just in my head). ... But I also know that love is two ways, and I feel like I should love him more. Also, he loves me to no end. He'll do anything for me, always take care of me, etc. I feel like I should WANT to love him. He's perfect. Seriously. I think that if I was attracted to him I'd be fine with everything else. But that gets me the most. I'm not an overly sexual person. I'm not "in the mood" a whole lot, but I'm not sure if thats cause I'm not attracted to the person I'm with. But I still feel like I should love my boyfriend that way, at least more than I do now. I also want to talk to him about this, because I know that in the "no communication issues" deal I have to contribute too. But I don't even know what to tell him. I could tell him how I feel, but even then I wouldn't know how to react to it, or what to do about it, because I'm not even entirely SURE how I feel. .... Any questions? Advice? Thanks. -Kait RESPONSES: One person mentioned that jealous boyfriends never become understanding husbands -- and she mentioned that I make a list of what I want in a lifetime partner and what my boyfriend currently has. I did that and found that my boyfriend had 7 or 8 of the 14 characteristics I wrote down. I think thats pretty good considering they were idealistic, however a few of the ones he didn't get were pretty deal breaking, mostly the strong attraction part and being good with money. Another person asked why I was wasting my time, and that I said I don't want to be with my bf forever. -- And that they always believed in staying with a person longterm. My responses are below. [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica][sIZE=2]POST TWO: [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica][sIZE=2]Thanks for all the advice. Person 1- the list sounds like a good idea, I'm going to give that a try. Granted, I don't know if I want a husband but I DO want a life partner, and its more or less the same to me. Person 2- I know, it does sound like a waste of time. I may not want a husband but, as I said above I do want someone who I can be with for a long time. I DO want to be around my current boyfriend forever, but I'm not sure if I want him to be my boyfriend forever. We're close friends. And, I speak as I feel now. I guess I'm worried that maybe I'm acting funny now and in a little while I might think: oh you know, I do want to be with him forever! I do have moments where I feel that way, but I guess I should know better... my mind isn't going to change in any significant way... it hasn't in the past 5 years. As far as letting him go, I have tried this before... he didn't exactly LET go. I spoke about how I feel with him last night, and he said he's "never going to let me go again". As in, he never wants to stop being my boyfriend and he's never going to stop trying to be my boyfriend. It sounds creepy, and I know he means it. Now, granted, I appreciate it on the level that I know it means he loves me, but I also feel like maybe he thinks too highly of me if he really wants to stick with me no matter what... as in, if I try and break it off, will he still be there? I want to be his friend but I'm worried about how exactly he plans to "be with me forever." I don't know how my post makes it sound but I DO care about my boyfriend. He's my first real, serious relationship, which is why I'm a little thrown off. I hear how people say that "puppy love" goes away and real lasting love overtakes it, and then you have to work hard at keeping a relationship together. I just don't want to think that this is that part where we have to work hard and maybe I'm mistaking it for losing feelings for him. The only reason I don't think its that is because, even when we first started dated, I didn't really have those "puppy love" feelings for him. I liked him, but as soon as we started dated I thought "maybe this wasn't right, maybe I just liked him as a friend." I even tried breaking it off after a month, but I was really weak and took him back because he cried to me. After that, we "Broke up" like maybe 6 times in 4 years, only three of which were "lasting".. as in, more than an hour. The final one lasted several months but obviously didn't last long enough. I guess maybe it would be good to mention how I felt while we were just friends and not dating... When we were just friends it was great. We got along great, had fun, hung out, etc. However, I knew he had NOT moved on, ever step he was trying to get back together with me, and even though we had fun I can't help but think how much of it was him sucking up and trying to date me again. I like to think that all the things he did were because he's my best friend, but honestly I know that the fact that he wanted to date me again had a lot to do with it. I often feel that it was a mistake to date him again after our initial breakup (or I guess after all of them), but on the other hand I feel like maybe breaking up with him is a longterm mistake. I may feel great now but what if, down the road, I realize I really did want to stay with him? I know I can't have both... I can't date other guys now and then, if I felt like it, go back to him later (even if he'd take me back). That's so wrong. I don't want that anyway. I WANT a lasting relationship. I want a life partner, someone I can love completely and have a ton of fun with. I guess I just find it SO hard to envision ANYONE else filling that spot besides him. I don't know if thats because he's my only serious boyfriend or if it means that I want to stay with him, or if it means nothing at all. But yes, my mind does wander. He admitted to me that questions our relationship too, but I'm not sure if that means his mind wanders as well. Either way he always says how much he loves me and wants to work through whatever it is. I also want to work through whatever it is, EXCEPT I don't feel I can work through my emotions. I've tried REALLY hard to change how I feel about him and it hasn't changed significantly... in fact, I'm pretty sure its only changed when HE changed a little bit. Like when he learned to control his anger better, I liked him a lot more because he wasn't yelling all the time and stressing me out. And when he learned to do his own chores. But I guess the other stuff, like physical attraction, doesn't really change... The thing is, I don't think he's bad looking. At all. I have been and can be attracted to him at times. But when we kiss I don't really get much of a reaction. I can count the times on one hand where I've really felt good kissing him. Hugging him is the same way, for me its just something I do. Sometimes it feels really good, othertimes its just a motion. BUt, I don't know if thats just how I am with physical contact, or if thats how it is when you're with someone for a while, or if I really just should not be dating him. I wonder if maybe this is as good as it gets. We have a good relationship, nothing is wrong, we manage our home just fine (for now--we're not totally living on our own yet), we get along well, etc. The only thing thats "wrong" is my feelings, which I'm convinced might not matter all that much because I change my mind a lot. Still, despite the fact that my mind is always changing, I look back at the past 5 years (not just in memory but in journal entries too) and see that a lot of it I spent not wanting to be with him physically but also not wanting to break it off with him cause I'm not sure its right. Other reasons I'm afraid to break up with him (but don't count as reasons because they're just me chickening out) are: -I have NO idea how to be single. Although, on one hand, I would be looking forward to it. -What if I never find anyone else? Part of me thinks: who cares?, cause then I can just enjoy being single, but another part of me really does want someone I can spend my life with (apart from my friends and family). I want someone I can share experiences with on all levels, including intimately. -What if I DO find someone else and they're worse? I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to break it off... I think that I would be, after getting through a breakup with my current bf, but I can't really be sure. I'm really good at telling people to get lost if they're not wanted, but not the few people I'm really close with. Hopefully anybody new on the scene would be easier for me to break up with if it wasn't working out. -I'm freaking out nervous. Yeah. When I was talking to my boyfriend last night about how I feel, I was shaking and my voice was breaking. Although that might have to do with the cold I have... anyway, that brings up another point.... When I was talking to my boyfriend last night the general conversation was him telling me he'd never give up on me and me telling him that it didn't matter cause its not something I feel we can work through, since its about how I feel about him internally (and its been the same since I can remember). I've been thinking: What if I was in his position? I would hear him telling me: Look, I'm not sure I feel strongly enough for you to be my girlfriend. For me, that would have been a deal breaker. OBviously. Even if they're not sure. ITs like, if they're not sure, then OBVIOUSLY they don't feel strongly enough. But, maybe its cause I'm sort of relying on his love for me to carry enough for both of us (also a bad idea). Heh. I should take my own advice. I think I covered everything... Any more advice? I like to talk through things a little bit so I can really see how I feel from all angles. Or, maybe just so I can assure myself that a hard decision I have to make is right. Thanks. I encourage more feedback from the above posters. _________________________________________________ Sorry I didn't retype everything but I felt its all best explained already... or, well, maybe not best explained but I don't feel I can explain it anymore than that. Anyway, if you have any questions please ask. Also, I know how it all sounds/looks... it seems the answer is really obvious and that I should break up with him. SO instead of just saying: Duh, break up with him! PLease also give me some advice on how to do so, how to move on, or tell me that its okay that its difficult, whatever. Just some advice and support please! [/sIZE][/FONT]
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