Should I even be married?

[SoulSearch_CO]

Yikes...this is incredibly long. I have had so much going on in my head the past couple weeks and nobody to really talk to. You are a saint if you read this all...I will not be mad at anybody for bashing me or "tough love." I'll suck it up and deal with it.

 

I've asked this of myself a few times over the 4 years of my marriage. Never seriously contemplated, but just something at the back of my mind. I'm no victim...I was not tricked or forced into marrying. I was stupid.

 

I grew up in a single-mother home. She was a good mother, but I had basically no model of how a marriage should look (good or bad) from firsthand experience. She married once after divorcing the sperm-donor and that quickly ended after 3 months because she had rushed into marriage to have a father for her kids and he was just a manipulative jerk (she seems to be attracted to that type for some reason...I don't know).

 

Anyway - I was raised in the Mormon church in Utah, so pretty near every girl's dream is to grow up and get married to start a family. I was led to believe that a woman's true value came in being a wife and mother (and let's not forget the numerous church callings, too). In spite of all that, I did have an independent streak that told me I was good enough without a man and don't bother getting married(or was it my mother telling me that? Hmm).

 

My dating experiences are extremely limited. As far as REAL dates in HS that were not part of going to a dance...I think there was ONE, maybe two. I had one "boyfriend," but that was pretty much limited to hanging out at school or immediately afterwards. That lasted about a whole month. By the time I was 22, I had only kissed two guys and was still a virgin in every sense of the word. I came across a predatory guy that pretty much would use up a girl until he could get no more from her and then he'd move on. I was too stupid to see a player for what he is. Oy. He knew where to push my buttons...talking about marriage and children and nonsense. When I would do pretty near anything but have intercourse with him, he moved on. I was hurt...he was my first...uh..."serious" boyfriend. OK...go ahead and roll your eyes. I do realize now that he was not a boyfriend, but simply a roving male.

 

Anyway...met DH at a new job. I had the attention of several males there...it was a first for me. I think I had found a new sense of confidence and that made me visible for the first time in my life. I have no idea. I'm seriously not being cocky because I can hardly believe it myself (can you say blind and naive?) but there were several males that wanted to date me. I supposedly "flirted" with one all day long and he asked me out...my response? "Huh? I thought you hated me." He says, "Are you kidding? We've been flirting all day long." Umm. Okay. So hit me with a brick - I can be pretty oblivious when it comes to social cues sometimes.

 

Anywho...DH and I started hanging out at lunch time and break times. People got jealous. He was ONE of my "kind of" supervisors, so people cried foul even though he had no pull over any kind of promotion, positions, or pay. We got separated. We continued to see each other before and after work. I fell madly in love with this man. He is 15 years my senior. People freaked about that. I've heard the whole thing about younger women looking for older men for that "daddy" figure in their lives. I must say part of me fears that may have been a very small factor in this whole thing. I can't stand my own father - he is emotionally abusive and a sexual deviant...I had many times I was scared he would rape me if he got angry enough. I cut off contact with him when I was 17. But really, DH does not SEEM 15 years older to me, IMO. He does not act daddyish (oh, I would so smack him if he tried - he knows that). He tends to be immature when it comes to his own life dealings sometimes.

 

I know this is a long post already - bear with me.

 

DH was in the Army Reserves. They activated him and he got stationed in Colorado. I got a temporary duty assignment with my job to go to Colorado. I would drive every weekend out to see him (4 hours one direction). My TDY assignment eventually ended and I went back to Utah. I couldn't take it after a month (we had been dating a total of 5 months, so the fire was still there), I quit my job and moved out to live with him. Ok, weak female moment and I still feel like such a chump for doing it. But really, it wasn't a bad decision. We did quite well together. We got along well and were having a lot of fun. We finally got married 8 months later. That's when everything went to hell in a handbasket.

 

About 2 months into being married, DH decided to start up some online affairs. Hanging out in chat rooms, picking up women, having cybersex. I knew well before we got married that he had problems with sex-addiction (that effectively ended 2 of his previous 3 marriages), but in the 14 months before we got married, he hadn't exhibited a problem. Maybe getting "trapped" in a marriage scared him. We supposedly dealt with it by discussing it with the Chaplain of his unit (MC) and I thought it was handled. The Army ended up sending him down to El Paso, TX. I followed after many promises from him that he would not do it again. A few months into being down there, I had to go back up to Colorado to take care of some personal business and while I was gone for the 2 whole days, he started up his online **** again...this time with a very good online friend of mine. I kicked him out for a couple weeks...he slept in his car. I eventually let him back, but ended up leaving him and going back to Colorado. I want to say we were separated for 2 months.

 

He did some intensive work on himself by way of a life-training program (similar to Est, Lifespring, Landmark, etc) and made some improvements. He did a lot to show me what I meant to him and took certain steps to keep him from straying off the path again (to include banning himself from Yahoo...it's now been 3 years and he still refuses to touch YIM). We did some MC.

 

The thread running throughout our marriage is his inability to keep his word. He'll say he'll do something and then it never gets done. I do not nag, I'll just simply ask if he's had a chance to do such-and-such. Eventually if he doesn't do it, I just take care of it myself. What frustrates me is that I have told him again and again and again that if I ask him to do something and he doesn't want to do it - just tell me! I prefer honesty. Because then at least I don't sit around hoping he'll keep his word this time. Really, I don't know why I ask him to do anything for me anymore. The only thing I can think of and here's a moment of true honesty and I'm really embarrassed...but maybe it kind of shows me that he cares if he's willing to do something for me.

 

His last marriage was 13 years of what sounded like pure torture for the both of them. They hated each other. They still hate each other. But they have 5 kids together, so they get to deal with each other on a constant basis.

 

Our first 2 wedding anniversaries went by without much ado. I think I may have gotten a card and that's it. Nothing planned. I gave up by the 3rd and planned something myself. He finally got a clue and planned something on our most recent anniversary, which was 3 weeks ago. But just 2 days prior to our anniversary is my birthday. I didn't get a card or a gift...he took me to a bookstore and told me to pick something. The anniversary he did pretty good. But he lied. Here's another problem - the man is OBSESSED with his job. He is a regular performer of grabbing the ankles and letting people have at him (figuratively, LOL). He'll do anything for this stupid company. I used to feel the same way, but over the past year it has started to piss me off that this stupid company infiltrates every part of our lives. Here's the lie - he swore to me the company cell would be turned off the whole time. No way - he ended up handling scheduling conflicts and client concerns several times. I think the phone might have been turned off for one 1-hour period and that's it.

 

In the past 3 weeks since our anniversary, I think I have spent a total of a couple hours with the man. He'll tell me he'll be home by such-and-such a time and then HOURS pass after that time and I'll finally get a call from him saying he's headed home. I don't control his time - he can do whatever he wants - but if you tell me you're going to be home at a certain time and that time is fast approaching and you know there's no way you'll be home - CALL ME. It's very insulting. Let me add, too, that the couple hours I have spent with him have been peppered with work phone calls. The marriage is suffering big time. There is no time spent on the marriage.

 

I make my own money, I have my own job working 48 hours a week. I have my own interests. So it's not like I'm sitting home all the time pining away for him - I'm not. But would it kill him to make a little contact with his wife??

 

About the gifts thing...around Christmas time I bought myself a guitar because I was looking for something to pick up as a hobby. He took it from me and told me it was one of my Christmas gifts and stuck it under the tree. I did get it for Christmas, but I haven't touched it at all because it lost it's appeal after he stole it from me. One of his other gifts? A $50 Visa gift card. Did I mention I make my own money? Ooo, ahh, 50 bucks. I'm sorry - I am a little bitter about the gift thing.

 

I guess to wrap this whole thing up...the reasons why I wonder if I should be married are a few: I didn't get to experience much before DH when it comes to dating and I kind of regret that. Over the years I have built up my self-confidence and feel that I would be able to cut loose and have more fun. I wonder what the single life would be like. I never really got to be a stupid college student (not that I want to go back there - I'm a bit old for that). I'm an instant step-mom for 5 kids and their bio mom hates my guts and tells the kids constantly how horrible I am (no, she does not know me personally), so they emotionally keep their distance sometimes...I think they're afraid that if they start to like me, they'll disappoint their mother. And lastly, I do kind of tie too much of my value up in my DH. When he ignores me for days at a time (meaning we hardly see each other, any phone calls I get from him are business-related, etc), I take it personally. I feel like crap. I can be really insecure. I hate that about me, but it's true.

 

If I were to get out of this marriage, I do NOT want to get into a serious relationship. I doubt I would let myself get married again - I just feel like I'm too emotionally undeveloped to be productive in one. We've done MC a couple times...it kind of helps for a bit, but once we stop going, things fall to crap again. I did IC many times before DH - I can't say it has ever helped. I have been on a couple of different anti-depressants and I can't say they have helped much, either. I just don't know what to do. I also want to add that we can't afford to do constant MC just to keep things together - we do not have insurance, so it would be out of pocket.

 

Am I supposed to keep putting up with the crap in this marriage? I can talk to him until I'm blue in the face and he'll apologize, but nothing changes. I can't say I'm perfect - I've mentioned some of my own problems above. But I just think I deserve better and I'm sick of settling.

 

Thank you for reading all of that junk. Feel free to kick me in the ass if you must. I just don't have anyone else to talk to.

[DayDreamer75]

you know what I think? You don't owe anything to your husband. What we usually give is what we want to give... People love giving but only up to realizing that they don't get much in return. Giving for years while getting little back is very hurting to the relationships. Maybe everybody would tell you to give unconditionally but in these modern days it no longer works. Everybody needs some attention, feeling loved, feeling cared of. I don't know how old you are but you seem still young to me. If you feel that you'll be better off without him, just be without him. There's no point in staying in a relationship that eventually will break. because you'll not be able to continue like this forever. Just tell him what you feel. If he loves you than he will understand what his real priorities are and will change. But honestly, I think that his marriage track is not very positive. If his previous marriages broke down it's because it seems to me that this guy does not like giving. Maybe, what you're looking for is the clear answers in your head and you'll not have them until you give it a last try. Talk to him clearly and have him understand that if he does not change his ways you will be out in several months because you are very unhappy with the way things are... You own this not only to yourself but to him as well. Why should he stay married with a person that does not love him or starts hating him? It makes no sense. You know I am pretty much like you... I've been with my man for many years living together... And I've sometimes had this feeling of being with the wrong man... But only through talking you can change things. The reason why I've stayed so long in my relationship although it was not at all perfect from the beginning is because our relationship constantly improved over time. He's learnt how to behave with me and is still learning... He may not be perfect (but who is?) but what makes me feel really loved is that he tries to change the things that make me feel unhappy. So, if you have a hope that things may change, talk to him, be honest. If you no longer have any hope and want out no matter what, just leave. You'll be doing a favour to both of you.

[BettyBoop]

I think regardless of what any of us say here - you should be able to walk out from your marriage without feeling like a bad person. Some people here will preach until they die about how you should "work on your marriage" because you "took the vows". However, I think that as long as you have not been unfaithful, you tried and you communicated...you have the right to walk out. It's your life, you only have one. Therefore, I will not tell you to stay or go. It's all up to how you feel about your husband and your marriage.

 

Don't let people on a message board push you into staying into a relationship which isn't right for you. Just follow your heart, that's all you can do.

 

Best of luck.

[whichwayisup]

He needs to understand that he has to continually work on the marriage and build a proper husband/wife relationship WITH you, or the marriage is going to end. Not because you want it to, because him doing nothing will force the marriage to die, if it hasn't already.

 

This man is messed up and I'm not sure if he wants to change. His past history shows who he is too.

 

Honestly, if you feel this marriage isn't worth saving, then get out. You're young and have alot of living to do either with someone else (in the future) or just on your own.

[Walk]

I read the whole post... took me a while, whew.

 

I really feel for you SoulSearch. You haven't had an easy time of it, and you don't seem to be getting much from this marriage. I believe marriages are a heck of a lot of work, but you should be getting the same amount of work from your husband. It seems to me that you've tried to be proactive in dealing with the issues, and you've been more then accomadating as to his behavior. You've given a great deal to be in this relationship, and the rewards seem very small (if they exist at all).

 

I think you do need to get out of this marriage. And I'm not saying that lightly. I believe marriage is a commitment for life, not just until things go a little sour. But your husband broke his vows on several occasions. He broke the oath, the sacred bond, the vow you two made to each other.

 

That marraige vow is a contract between the two of you. If you had made a contractual agreement with your friend to lease her car for 2 years for $300 a month, and after a month your friend came and took the car back, you aren't obligated to keep paying her $300 a month for the next 2 years. She broke the agreement. Just like your husband has done on numerous occasions. He broke the contract the two of you made when you married. But now you're still paying every month to a person who breeched the contract.

 

I got married to a guy who did a lot of shady things, who placed his needs first, and would do his damdest to ruin anything that would make me feel happy. I won't go into the details because they aren't important. The point is, he broke his vows and I fought for 3 years to keep that marriage going. It was killing me inside, and I still fought to make it work. And finally after a great deal of soul searching... I made a stand and said enough was enough. We got divorced after being together for nearly 10 years. I'm happy now. I have a wonderful fiance who shows me he loves me every day (for the past 4 years), I graduated from college (with huge support from my fiance), I love my life, and I like who I am. And because I am happy with who I am, I'm able to help others in ways I never thought I'd have the time or energy to do. Even the little things, like spending time with friends who are having problems. Or helping out my parents.

 

I don't regret getting married or divorced. I tried my hardest to make it work. In the end, I had to do what would make me whole. I didn't get married to be a maytr. I never pledged 'til death do we part while my husband dumps on me, cheats on me, and ignores my existence. In fact, I never would've gotten married had those been a part of the vows. I didn't want that as a part of my life. So I changed my life.

 

I don't believe you'll ever be happy in the relationship you have. You've given everything you have to make this relationship work. Sometimes its necessary to accept the things you can't change, and make the changes you can make to create a better life for yourself.

[Curmudgeon]

Thank you for reading all of that junk. Feel free to kick me in the ass if you must. I just don't have anyone else to talk to.

 

Let me see if I have this right. You've been married for four years to a three-time marital loser who is distant, an obsessive workaholic who ignores you for days on end, doesn't care enought to remember or acknowledge Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. who also has five children with a toxic ex and he has on-line sex addiction problems.

 

Did I get all that right?

 

No kicking here. Also, is it possible that you have no one else to talk to because he has, in some respects, isolated you. That's a common thing for a controller and abuser to do.

 

Marriage counseling doesn't appear to be an option. You have a job and your own finds/income. Therefore, my only question is, why are you still there?

 

As for the rest, please don't let this experience, as unfortuinate as it's been, totally sour you on relationships and the concept of marriage. Remember, he's only one man. We're not all like that. You could end up losing out on what could ultimately be the best experience in your life. Just keep your eyes open. That should be the message from all of this, not shutting down.

[Deanster]

So, look, it's like this...

 

You seem like a really quality woman, with great prospects in life. Your husband has a TON of baggage. I really stopped at reading "had problems with sex-addiction (that effectively ended 2 of his previous 3 marriages"

 

He might be a great guy in many ways, but if he's had enough problems with relationships to end three marriages, two for the same reason that's troubling you, plus kids, ex-wives, military moves, etc., etc., etc., I think you really need to have a serious discussion with yourself about what you have signed up for.

 

Like everything else in life, the prime question is 'what am I trying to do here?'

 

Is the answer 'manage my husband's massive set of issues, baggage, problems, children, bitter ex-wives and disruptive career track?' or 'Create a life that works for me?'

 

If it's answer a), then you're doing great. If not, you very seriously need to look at pulling the rip cord.

 

Take special care about not getting pregnant while you're figuring out what you are going to do. Nothing closes off options like pregnancy.

[stone22]

I actually found your account very enlightening. It really made me think about how I portray myself and how I might be able to fix some of the problems in my marraige.

 

I agree with the rest of the people who posted. You seem like a quality person that keeps on giving to other people, but forgets to take time for yourself. You deserve to have the life you want. It sounds like you jumped right into life, and skipped a few essential growing points.

 

One thing in particular that caught my attention was the part about where your husband is obsessed with his work. I found myself doing that in my own marraige because I was trying to either ignore or put off problems that I knew that I to deal with in my marriage. It was and still is a selfish thing. The common theme through your post that I kept seeing was that your husband is very selfish. I mean really, who the hell does he think he is to take your guitar from you and put it back under the tree? Honestly. You deserve better.