sunshinegirl Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I don't get the apologist view many people have here... of course, almost no one always and always tells the truth and nothing but the truth, but if he's so accustomed to lying, doesn't feel bad about it and thinks it's no big deal...this is be a red flag in my book. Unless of course you're willing to be with someone whose word you cannot trust...The main point is not the age, but that you probably will never really know what he said is true and what's not... I totally agree with the bolded part above. SG, do you think you might have had a different reaction to his lie if he had fessed up, apologized profusely, and said something like "I couldn't think of another way to meet you. I know I'm out of your age range, and I'm sorry for the deception...I just hoped that if we spent some time together you might change your mind." ??? His casual attitude about the lie is the red flag here; his certainty that "everyone lies"; his dismissal of the impact on SG. For what it's worth, I did a lot of internet dating before meeting my BF, and whiel I did meet a lot of...characters... I also met at least half a dozen really good guys. Totally solid character, nice men. I wouldn't give up on the internet yet. Just make sure your expectations realistic: you'll meet 10-20 losers to every decent one.
stillafool Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I didn't read this whole thread but in my opinion this guy is full of it! What would he gain from lying about his age except a chance to get laid by younger women? He should have known if a relationship were to happen between the two of you you would find out about his age. I think it was disrespectful of him to lie about his age and he wasted your time. You set the age limit for a reason and it's probably because you want to marry and have kids. I think a man would have been put off if a woman had lied about her age when he is looking for someone younger. Why should you settle for an older man if that's not what you want? I say kick him to the curb and teach him to tell the truth about his profile.
serial muse Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Star, I totally get where you're coming from with the lying. I'd feel the same way. I mean, having done the online dating thing as a woman in her mid-30s, I also noticed that many men use 35 as a cutoff age (including plenty of guys who are upwards of 40), so i actually do understand the temptation, since the age thing seems so arbitrary sometimes...but it just doesn't make any sense to lie about it. All that happens is that prospective dates ultimately find out the lie and then that becomes a defining thing about you. Ugh. Annoying as it is, if I were to do online dating again I'd absolutely be honest about my age. I'd think of it as a weeding-out technique; after all, I wouldn't want to date someone who was stressing himself out about my age anyway. Who needs the angst? Have you asked him at what point he'll actually update his age on his profile? I mean, he can't pretend to be 35 forever (and using an old photo is really annoying). So that "cutoff age" is going to be a moving target - maybe when he's 45 he'll pretend to be 40, and so on...
sb129 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I think you should stick to your guns Star. I am 30, and I wouldn't want to date someone 10 years older than me- sorry guys, but I want kids, and I want to have them with someone who is closer in age to me- there are lots of reasons for that that I could go into on another thread. TonyT is right- we are all entitled to our personal preferences, and we shouldn't be criticised when we voice them. SG, this situation would be a dealbreaker for me, ESPECIALLY since he admitted that he didn't lie exclusively to you so he could go out with you- hes doing it to cast his net wider in general, so its not even a cute "aw, he wanted to go out with me because he thought I was special" lie. I think he is being far too blase about this, and it seems to reflect badly on his general character. At least he showed some of his true colours pretty early on!!
Lishy Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Thinking about this logically, Star should run for the hills! He is obviously devious - He is willing to be deceitful to get what he wants - Who needs a man like that? No wonder he is still single!
DanielMadr Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Yeah, like you told him your exact weight I bet he is desperate one that what put you off Online dating is for losers...expect to meet plenty of them.
underpants Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I don't fully understand the on line dating thing. You put you preference down as x-35. Does this stop someone over 35 from initiating contact? He should have just been honest from the beginning. That is too bad, and I see how it can make you wonder...what else could he lie about? Just tell him you are really 17.
sb129 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Online dating is for losers...expect to meet plenty of them. Well this "loser" is getting married to the one and only guy she met in person after meeting him online. Neither of us lied about a thing, and there have been no nasty surprises either- turned out quite well I think, but each to their own. Just tell him you are really 17. :lmao:
Art_Critic Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I met a girl online once that had in her profile that she had never been married. Well.. After tons of emails,phone calls and a couple of dates she mentioned that she had been married before.. I was like .... why lie ?..To me it was no big deal to have been married before.. She said that she was only married for 4 months so she didn't consider it a marriage.. She turned out to lie about a bunch of things as time went by.. She wasn't a nice person and in the end I wondered why she was so mean to the people around her.. friends,coworkers and family included.. We dated for just under 5 months and I caught her in at least a half a dozen lies.. some she had no idea I caught her in and others I asked her about. Red flags are red flags for a reason...
Trialbyfire Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I dunno. People lie in real life, just to get the guy/girl. Is this any different? What if you met a guy who you liked a lot, who wanted a girl who had a very low number of partners, say 4, for a random choice. Would you come out and say, well, I had 12 lovers or would you say nothing?
DanielMadr Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Well this "loser" is getting married to the one and only guy she met in person after meeting him online. Neither of us lied about a thing, and there have been no nasty surprises either- turned out quite well I think, but each to their own. :lmao: O.K. "Losers" happy ending. You were OK with it, he was OK with it. Fine. Why not. Nothing negative in your term being a "loser". What I wanted to say was that OP shouldnt hope for prince on white horse.
Art_Critic Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 (edited) O.K. "Losers" happy ending. Daniel.. Online dating isn't for losers.. It is just another medium to meet people with.. no different that going to art classes or joining the gym to meet someone. It is still no different that other mediums in that you still have to wade thru the bull that people lay down.. I met my wife online.. does that make me a loser ? not even close to being one .. But it does mean that I'm no longer single..and now I'm a Dad to boot... and SG is no loser either...She is just now figuring out that people lie on their profiles and how to wade thru them... Edited March 10, 2008 by Art_Critic
MakeLemonade Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I think if lying is a deal breaker and being over 35 is a strongly preferred "not" - then just keep on looking - it sounds like he doesn't take the fact that he lied to you very seriously, doesn't think it is a big deal. I think your fear of being lied to about something much more important down the road with this guy is very valid based on that. Also - just want to clear up some numbers as everyone seems to be really confused. He lied about being FOUR years older than he was (35 vs 39), his age is TEN years older than SG (39 vs 29). Sorry - I am a numbers person and everyone misquoting the actual fact on that was buggin me fiercely.
Trialbyfire Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Very true about the deal breaker component. I guess it's the extent of the lie, in your eyes. No one is forced to date anyone. It's probably because I don't feel the additional four years is a big deal, and ten years also, is no big deal, unless the guy were that much younger than I am. For the OP, she appears to have the same issues with an older man. On the other hand, if someone were to lie to me about the number of sexual partners they had, it would be an immediate deal breaker.
DanielMadr Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Daniel.. Online dating isn't for losers.. It is just another medium to meet people with.. no different that going to art classes or joining the gym to meet someone. It is still no different that other mediums in that you still have to wade thru the bull that people lay down.. I met my wife online.. does that make me a loser ? not even close to being one .. But it does mean that I'm no longer single..and now I'm a Dad to boot... and SG is no loser either...She is just now figuring out that people lie on their profiles and how to wade thru them... 1. Im sorry for suggesting for you that you are a loser. I didnt mean it so negatively as it might sound. 2. Congratulations. Im happy for you. 3. You are wrong. It is medium very different from others. a) you dont have to go out there and risk - lazy, cowards b) you dont get all information - appearance, essence, smell, non-verbal clues etc. - you have to be very lucky to meet your match - again congrats mate c) it has a "loser" stigma - and it sticks
L.I.M.O.M. Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 OP, his selection of 39 as his actual supposed age on top of his initial lie & then his apparent nonchalance about being caught in a lie strongly suggests to me that he's even older. Being the big 4 O (or even older) would definitely be a deal-breaker for some! Just out of curiousity it'd be interesting to discover whether 39 is his actual age. I know at this point it wouldn't matter to you but this inquiring mind would like to know. Wouldn't a quick public records check reveal his actual age? Good luck in your continued search.
sb129 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 O.K. "Losers" happy ending. You were OK with it, he was OK with it. Fine. Why not. Nothing negative in your term being a "loser". What I wanted to say was that OP shouldnt hope for prince on white horse. Why not? I found mine. Whats to say SG can't look for hers wherever she chooses? Its hard to meet people if you are a busy working person who would rather spend their social time with their actual friends than trawling bars and singles evenings, or if you have kids and can't go out all the time.
Ocean-Blue Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 The age thing is obviously a personal preference. While I agree that 10 years is too much of an age gap, I don't think you should write someone off just based on age (i.e. someone you meet in person - who knows, he may turn out to be a great partner). BUT, as you've said, this guy lied (repeatedly). What I find alarming is that he has yet to apologize for misleading you. Rather than say, "OK, yeah I'm sorry for not fessing up upon initial contact" he made excuses for why he lied and had the gall to say you lie to (which is very presumptuous on his part). I'm guessing you've ditched this person (and rightly so). If he lies about this, he'll lie about other things (what he perceives to be "small" lies - but lies that accumulate over time). If you emphasized honesty and he didn't come clean right away...well, as someone else said, he's a "dud"... You probably dodged a bullet here SG.
sb129 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I agree O_B. His attitude leaves a bit to be desired IMO.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 He lied. End of story. His biological age really isn't an issue anymore.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 (edited) OP, his selection of 39 as his actual supposed age on top of his initial lie & then his apparent nonchalance about being caught in a lie strongly suggests to me that he's even older. Being the big 4 O (or even older) would definitely be a deal-breaker for some! Just out of curiousity it'd be interesting to discover whether 39 is his actual age. I know at this point it wouldn't matter to you but this inquiring mind would like to know. Wouldn't a quick public records check reveal his actual age? Ya know, the subject of his age came up when discussing how much he looks like a cross between the host of The Bachelor and Emilio Esteves. He said he really looked like EE when he was younger - people were always telling him he looked like EE, but he didn't know who EE was. He said he used to get such comments all the time in COLLEGE when he was bartending and before he knew who EE was (around the time of St. Elmo's Fire), but THEN the movie came out and he went to see it and saw the resemblance. I was like, "Uhhh....that movie came out when I was...like...SEVEN or something!" And THAT's when he said, "Well, I'm old...I'm not really 35..." So yeah, given the math and his well-weathered face I wouldn't doubt it if he were well into his 40's. Ewww. I'm so mad now. Edited March 10, 2008 by Star Gazer
Cobra_X30 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Ya know, the subject of his age came up when discussing how much he looks like a cross between the host of The Bachelor and Emilio Esteves. He said he really looked like EE when he was younger - people were always telling him he looked like EE, but he didn't know who EE was. He said he used to get such comments all the time in COLLEGE when he was bartending and before he knew who EE was (around the time of St. Elmo's Fire), but THEN the movie came out and he went to see it and saw the resemblance. I was like, "Uhhh....that movie came out when I was...like...SEVEN or something!" And THAT's when he said, "Well, I'm old...I'm not really 35..." So yeah, given the math and his well-weathered face I wouldn't doubt it if he were well into his 40's. Ewww. I'm so mad now. I'd never heard of that movie so I looked it up. 1985... which would make me like 5 or 6 at the time. He would have been at least 21. So his minimum age is about... 44? So, not only is he a liar, but a bad liar too! Why bother meeting people online? I just got back from San Fransisco and the whole town is crazy nice! I'd say go mingle!
Green Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I'd never heard of that movie so I looked it up. 1985... which would make me like 5 or 6 at the time. He would have been at least 21. So his minimum age is about... 44? So, not only is he a liar, but a bad liar too! Why bother meeting people online? I just got back from San Fransisco and the whole town is crazy nice! I'd say go mingle! cause not only is she meeting people online... but she is a person you meet online. I hear she's hot, but you can hear the attitude in this post alone. Age lie aside, I think she just not into this guy, or shed let it go
wizer Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 He lied about his age...maybe not so good. He came clean about it without prompting...that's good. It's more of a "white lie". Everyone tells them at some point...not bad, not good. He was under pressure to lie because of your stated age requirements. Understandable. 10 year age gap. Not really the question you asked, but a potential problem. No reason to make decisions yet. But some red flags here.
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