Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 So I met up tonight with a guy I've been talking to for about two weeks. We met online. He looked very familiar to me. He let me in on the fact that we're both members of a local charitable organization, and that's most likely how I thought I recognized him. Anyway, we had a great date, great conversation, over all good time. We were talking about seeing each other again. Somehow I started talking about how old I feel (it was getting late for me), and he said, "You're not old, I'm old." And then said, "By the way..." and informed me he's 4 years older than he told me, and 3 years older than my stated age cut-off on the site (which I feel is pushing it for me to begin with). He says that age is just a number, it shouldn't matter, but understands it if bothers me too much. Thing is, it's not his age that bothers me as much as the fact that he LIED about it. I won't go into detail, but there's been several opportunities where he's had the opportunity to fess up. In fact, given the circumstances those other opportunities amount to additional lies IMO. His actual age does bug me a little bit. I'm not sure if he had told me his real age at the beginning whether I would have still talked to him and met up with him. I'm really not sure what to do here. Any thoughts would be helpful.
Tony T Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 People lie about their age all the time...good people...great people. As people get older, age often creates barriers that are unnecessary and unwarranted but the reality is that it does. He may not have fessed up when you wanted him to but he did ultimately tell the truth. People who mislead others about their age are usually not pathological liars and will tell the truth about most everything else. I don't think the deception ought to be the biggest issue here. If you have a problem with his age, that's the issue. Otherwise, I see no harm in continuing to see him. After all, had he been truthful about his age he would likely have never gotten to meet you and, to him, that was worth doing whatever he had to do.
sb129 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Hmm. I think I remember what your cut-off age was. I kinda can see where you are both coming from here, although why he felt he needed to lie about it is beyond me. Maybe (as Tony said) it was because of your cut off age being younger than he is, (he approached you first didn't he?) and he wanted to win you over before fessing up? Did you arrange to see eachother again? Aside from the age thing, what was your gut reaction to him? Good? I could probably overlook this if I really liked the guy initially.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 I explained to him that what really bothered me was his dishonesty. During our conversations, I had pretty much told him how I don't want to date anyone who's X Y and Z, and over my cut-off age was one of those factors. That's the entire point of online dating (presumably, anyway) - to be able to sort through a pool of available people based on what YOU are looking for...not to be duped into going for what THEY want you to go for. This entire time, he's deceived me. He's been too-good-to-be-true thus far. As to every little detail, I wasn't sure if he was being sincere or slick, and so I let my feelings kinda met in the middle for a "he's telling me what he thinks I want to hear AND he actually believes it..." Does that make sense? At the same time, I kinda felt in my gut like he couldn't be trusted, like he was going to put on an air and I wasn't going to see ANY of the real him for quite some time. When discussing the importance of honesty, he said, "Everyone lies. I lie, you lie." I told him I don't lie. Honesty is critical in a relationship - not only with the other person, but with yourself. He said, "You have to lie, you're an attorney." (I hate that.) I explained to him that I seriously do not lie. If my opposing counsel says, "Your client was aware of blah blah blah!!!" and my client WAS aware but I don't want to admit it, I'll say, "It doesn't matter whether they were aware because the legal standard blah blah blah!" He equates his lying to saying in this instance to saying, "Yes, that dress looks lovely" when asked if his SO looks nice but he hates the dress. I think he's comparing apples and oranges (which he's done a LOT during our conversations). But yes, part of it is his age. He's now 10 years older than me, almost in an entirely different generation, I feel. I also question whether he's even THAT age - he could be even older! He looks a good 10 years older than his picture too. What's funny is that I remember seeing him on this dating site over 5 years ago when I was in law school and just curious about who was out there, and I think I remember seeing him...with the same picture! His main picture is close up and very flattering, but has that "old" appearance to the quality of the picture...all the others are within 6 months old but farther away. Ugh. Can anyone be trusted? I don't like this online dating thing.
Tony T Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Most people don't tell the truth ALL the time. Many people tell the truth about important issues but MANY people would tell you they liked your dress when they actually didn't (white lie). As far as online dating, I think there are many aspects of it that are problematic. If you want to find someone online, you have to meet the person almost immediately. Don't carry on with them in phone calls and IM's over a long period of time. Until you meet with them in person, it could all be a lie. It doesn't seem to me that ten years is a significant age difference to most people. However, it is to you. And if it is that important, no matter how good he's been in other areas...well....you said "He's now ten years older than me.' Guess what, he will ALWAYS be ten years older. I think a person intelligent enough to get through law school may have a difficult time finding someone closer to their own age who is acceptable until they get into their mid to late 30's. Before that, many men are just plain immature, confused, commitmentphobic duds. Good luck!!!
Phateless Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I say keep hanging out with him and gather more information before you make a decision. Yeah it kinda sucks that he lied, but in reality, you had a great time with him, when you would have disqualified him right off the bat. Soo......
sb129 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I agree with this That's the entire point of online dating (presumably, anyway) - to be able to sort through a pool of available people based on what YOU are looking for...not to be duped into going for what THEY want you to go for. To some people, ten years may not be significant, but I think to some women of a certain age, it is very significant. My ex was 8 years older than me, and there were subtleties in our age difference that caused some problems at times. Unfortunately for SG, this may put her off internet dating, when really she should get straight back on the horse! Don't compromise SG- I don't think you have to.
Lishy Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Online dating is the way to get disillusioned! You are a pretty girl, why use online dating? Seeing a guy who has been on the site for 5 years is screaming 'red flag', he has proven himself to be a liar and does not see a problem with lying. After 5 years of dating online he will know every trick in the book. Maybe you could try being single for a while and love will find you.
Replicant Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 As much as i think online personals allows people to manipulate certain aspects of themselves and makes the dating seem more superficial. In this case the dude figures he could get a shoe in by manipulating his age because it was a generation of people you did not want. Then figures during the date it may be less of an issue to you if and when it comes up. Fact his he lied and it would make anyone with any sense wonder how far the lying goes beyond that if such a simple thing like providing your real age turns out to be a fraud. Which basically says his ego can validate disrespecting you.
SoHotZanzibar Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 You know what, it's not a big lie, but this fact you said: "I had pretty much told him how I don't want to date anyone who's X Y and Z, and over my cut-off age was one of those factors." That's not right. I don't blame you. But what if he was really taken by your profile on line or whatever. Do they see your pic and profile? Or does he have to lie to see it? My point being, from his perspective, he might feel he has nothing to lose because if he tells the truth he has no way of meeting you, but maybe he was hoping that if you met him, he could change your mind. Remember: he has nothing to lose. And it may all be because he has a crush on you. Some girls might be flattered by that. But, I could be totally wrong on this. Everybody should be 100% themselves 100% of the time everywhere they go and with everyone person they meet. No inhibitions or shyness allowed, nothing.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 Fact is he lied and it would make anyone with any sense wonder how far the lying goes beyond that if such a simple thing like providing your real age turns out to be a fraud. Which basically says his ego can validate disrespecting you. That is EXACTLY how I feel! He repeatedly said that age is just a number and that he didn't see this lie as a big deal. Well, if he can lie about something that isn't a big deal to him but clearly is important to me, then he can lie about something huge later down the road when it suits him as well. You know what, it's not a big lie, but this fact you said: "I had pretty much told him how I don't want to date anyone who's X Y and Z, and over my cut-off age was one of those factors." That's not right. I don't blame you. But what if he was really taken by your profile on line or whatever. Do they see your pic and profile? Or does he have to lie to see it? My point being, from his perspective, he might feel he has nothing to lose because if he tells the truth he has no way of meeting you, but maybe he was hoping that if you met him, he could change your mind. Remember: he has nothing to lose. And it may all be because he has a crush on you. Some girls might be flattered by that. But, I could be totally wrong on this. Everybody should be 100% themselves 100% of the time everywhere they go and with everyone person they meet. No inhibitions or shyness allowed, nothing. I agree with the bolded part. He first said he put the fake age (35) instead of the real age (39) so that he'd show up in females searches because 35 seems to be a common cut-off. Well, he initiated contact with me, I didn't go searching for him. He could have and should have owned up to the truth from the very beginning, or at any of the points where age/maturity/generational issues were discussed. I'm really, really bothered that he lied about this.
Phateless Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I just know that I would hate to be ruled out by something so small as a 2 year age difference. I don't think I would lie, but it would bum me out if that happened.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 I just know that I would hate to be ruled out by something so small as a 2 year age difference. I don't think I would lie, but it would bum me out if that happened. Not 2 years, 4. He's 39, I'm 29. He's literally almost 40, and represented himself as having just turned 35. That's a huge difference to me. And he did eventually tell you his age. Only after almost being blatantly asked.
Lishy Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 And he did eventually tell you his age. He probably did only lie so he could get a chance to meet you. Maybe you should give him a chance
blind_otter Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 If your cut-off age is a hard and fast rule to you, then there's no way to get around it - he does not fall into your predetermined group. No go. TBH...I've made exceptions for certain hard and fast rules I had when dating, and lived to regret making those exceptions.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 He probably did only lie so he could get a chance to meet you. Unfortunately, he didn't lie to me because I'm special. He lies not just to me, but every other woman who's cut-off is 35. He said as much. He said that many women in their late 20's have 35 as their cut-off, and he didn't want to not be included in their searches, so he keeps his age as 35. I'm sure I don't fit into lots of guys searches for whatever reason - height, figure, etc. - and if I'm interested in them because I found them, then I'll contact/wink/whatever, and they can decide for themselves based on the TRUTH whether or not they'd want to meet me. But I'm not going to lure them in based on false pretenses.
Lishy Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Can you have hard and fast rules regarding dating? I think being open minded is the best policy, unless it is a complete deal breaker an then you should not go there. i.e the age thing wouldnt bother me BUT I could not ever date a guy shorter than me so if he lied about his height I would be off like a shot, if you feel like that about his age then wave bye bye!
Author Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 If your cut-off age is a hard and fast rule to you, then there's no way to get around it - he does not fall into your predetermined group. No go. TBH...I've made exceptions for certain hard and fast rules I had when dating, and lived to regret making those exceptions. None of my "rules" are hard and fast rules in general, but they are very, very strong preferences. We're all allowed our preferences when it comes to dating, and I think it was very arrogant of him to interpose what he thought I should want (him) in lieu of my known desires.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 Can you have hard and fast rules regarding dating? I think being open minded is the best policy, unless it is a complete deal breaker an then you should not go there. i.e the age thing wouldnt bother me BUT I could not ever date a guy shorter than me so if he lied about his height I would be off like a shot, if you feel like that about his age then wave bye bye! I probably have only two hard and fast rules when dating: (1) Not shorter than me in heels; (2) Don't lie to me.
konfuzd Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 It would be a deal breaker for me. It's obviously one of those things you are bound to find out should this progress between you. It should be your choice as to whether the age is a problem. To decieve you, try to get you attached, and then make the reveal shows a lack of respect for you IMO. I had a similar online experience, except the guy was a smoker, which he said he wasn't. The day I found out was the last day I saw him, and the last time I ventured into the online thing. Good Riddance.
Art_Critic Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Seeing a guy who has been on the site for 5 years is screaming 'red flag', he has proven himself to be a liar and does not see a problem with lying. After 5 years of dating online he will know every trick in the book. Wouldn't the same go for her.. She has been online dating for 5 years also.. If he gets a red flag for being on their for years then so does she... SG.. Did you have a good time ?.... I personally would not have been put off by 3 years.. he is trying to make the numbers work for him and not against himself.. When I was online dating I always told the truth though.. since I did I expected them to as well.. I also have been victim to lying and age truth.. I wnet out with a woman that was 100+ lbs heavier than her picture and her profile said " a few xtra pounds" hahaha... Roll with the punches SG.. if the guy is a dud he is a dud ..
nylah Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 all things considered...consider yourself lucky that's all he lied about....my friend met a guy who even lied about his race...?? besides, I wouldn't really consider that a "real" lie....I think it would matter more if he lied about being married or a murderer, or something....I don't know, that's just me. It's seems like such a small thing to "quit" someone over. I mean...who's perfect????
johan Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 4 years older seems forgivable to me. It seems like that's about the right age difference, I mean. When you're in your 30s you can't really tell the difference anyway. Maybe 4 years would be a big deal if you were 12. Or 90. I assume you have equally specific height and weight requirements. I can hear it now: "Before dinner you were in the right weight range, but then you ate and now I really can't date you. It's a hard and fast rule, you know. Maybe we can try again in the morning. Or could you maybe go try to use the bathroom? Next time I'd recommend staying away from that second glass of water." Who cares if he lied? I mean besides you. It doesn't bother me all that much.
nylah Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 4 years older seems forgivable to me. It seems like that's about the right age difference, I mean. When you're in your 30s you can't really tell the difference anyway. Maybe 4 years would be a big deal if you were 12. Or 90. I assume you have equally specific height and weight requirements. I can hear it now: "Before dinner you were in the right weight range, but then you ate and now I really can't date you. It's a hard and fast rule, you know. Maybe we can try again in the morning. Or could you maybe go try to use the bathroom? Next time I'd recommend staying away from that second glass of water." Who cares if he lied? I mean besides you. It doesn't bother me all that much. funny:lmao:!! I think online dating it's not a good thing to do if you're the type of person who wants "total and complete" honesty because your chances of getting it are slim. Not impossibe, but highly improbable.
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