mysocalledlife Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I posted about a week ago about a crush that shook my world to its foundations without warning. I got some good feedback, and decided to proceed with some IC before really doing anything with respect to my M (I start next week). But now I am in turmoil and I need some input and support. The other day I had a brief, vague discussion with my W to the effect that I wasn't happy and that I had a lot of things going on in my head. Without my telling her any specifics, she started to cry and asked me what could she do to fix things. I wasn't prepared to talk with her right then, so I told her I was going to IC to sort things out. But man, did I feel bad. Real bad. Now, jump to last night. The group that my W and I belong to held a meeting last night, and of course, the subject of my crush was there. I did a pretty decent job of avoiding her, but still, just a bit of brief contact affected me deeply. Even more important, it occurred to me that if I end things with my W, it is very likely that I will lose these friends, the only ones I have right now. So, now I sit here, depressed on so many levels, wondering if it might not just be better to stick it out. As bad as things are with my W, I find myself wondering if it could ever be any better anyway.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 It's good you're thinking ahead and what you will be losing. Not only your wife, but the life you've come to enjoy. Your wife through her tears has told you she wants to fix things. Give her that chance. She loves you. And, I think you love her but this 'crush' is in the way. The 'crush' is a sypmtom of what is missing inside of you - and maybe inside your marriage as well. It's good you're talking to someone to sort this out but please, do yourself a favour..Don't shut your wife out. You opened up abit, she was ready to talk - You backed away, clammed up. Just so you know, she's probably thinking it's her fault and you don't really love her anymore. I will go back and read your other thread again because I can't remember the details and how bad your marriage is.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Now, to make matters more interesting, I haven't felt anything like this since before I met my wife. This has also made me wake up and realize that my wife and I are through, which isn't really surprising, since we have been living as just roomates for as long as I can remember. I took this from quote from your other thread.. You and your wife need to communicate. Lay it ALL out on the line. You have nothing to lose! I mean, if you two can re-connect again by doing counselling, both together and apart, and really try to get that passion back again, that's great. If you can't, well, atleast you'll know you gave it your best and be able to walk away knowing you did try and didn't just throw in towel or end up cheating on your wife. Whatever you do, put DISTANCE between you and the crush. Don't let the feelings grow and feed into something that could easily turn into something else.
carhill Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I would think that, with no sex for 12 years, the horse left that barn a long time ago. Time to close the door.
toughchoices Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I haven't read your other posts but am just responding to this one. We may be going through something very similar though. I too have a crush which recently turned my world upside down. I also have what is an unhappy marriage at this point. I work with my crush and have for about 1 1/2 years. It wasn't until about 3-4weeks ago that I developed the crush full bore. Don't know what happened to start it but it shook me so bad I admitted to my wife I was unhappy in the marriage and had been for some time. Nothing about the crush of course. This devastated my wife similar to yours I would guess. My crush doesn't know how I feel and I am also seeking out MC and IC. I start next week. The advice I have is give it time. I am finally starting to come out of this intense crush which almost made me pull out of my marriage immediately. Affected me so bad that I have lost about 10 pounds not being able to eat. Even though I work with my crush I have tried to limit contact and it has helped. The people in this forum are great and told me no matter what not to get involved as it would make things worse. Just give it some time...it really hurts and you feel the lowest you have ever felt but it does get better. I am coming around as you will too. I think I was where you are no just a couple of weeks ago. My wife has made changes an so have I. Even if things don't work out in the end you owe it to all parties involved to give it time. Peace.
Author mysocalledlife Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 Thank you all for your replies. One of the more excruciating aspects of this situation is that I have nobody I can talk to about it, except, of course, the wonderful people here on LS. I have been putting as much distance between myself and the crush as I can, and I will continue to do that. In fact, at the meeting last night, I only spoke with her for about 5 minutes along with a couple of other people. While I believe that my feelings for this woman are real, I would never act on them anyway, so I am trying to let them go. But far, far easier said than done. Carhill, I always enjoy reading your comments, and this was certainly no exception. The reality is that I lost certain feelings for my W a long time ago, and they aren't coming back. Quite frankly, I am surprised she hasn't had an affair by now or left me herself. That is part of why I am now conflicted. I almost feel as if I owe it to her to stick around, just because she has. Toughchoices, I read your thread and was struck by the similarities to my own situation. Fortunately for me, I only see my crush about once every 4-6 weeks, and don't speak with her much in between, so I can put some distance between us. If I had to see her on a daily basis, I suspect I would be out of my mind. Good luck with your situation. I still don't plan on taking action until I have had some IC, as I know I have to deal with my own insecurity and lack of self esteem first. As for MC, as I mentioned in my other thread, been there done that. We even talked about it again at one point years ago, and she that I needed it, but not her, and that anyway, the C would once again "take my side".
Mr. Lucky Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I would think that, with no sex for 12 years, the horse left that barn a long time ago. Time to close the door. This comment made me go back and read your other thread, where I found this: After thinking about things and reading quite a few posts here on LS, I am planning on trying some IC before I actually do anything, but I am fairly sure I know what the result will be. We have known each other for about 15 years, married for about 14, have not had sex or even kissed in about 12 years. While I care for my wife and love her in a certain way, the slight spark that was there so long ago has long been extinguished and I don't think I can, or want, to get it back. I don't think it takes much insight to see that your crush is a reaction to the barren emotional landscape of your marriage. I've heard of sexless relationships, but to not have kissed in a dozen years ??? I can't even comprehend that. IC is a great way to help you understand the part you played in allowing things to get so off track. A little progress there will give you a foundation from which you can make some of the hard decisions ahead of you... Mr. Lucky
DayDreamer75 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Throughout the years of my relationship I have realized that who we really need in order to be happy is ourselves. A person should first be happy with himself in order to be happy with others, including the significant other. I tried looking for your previous post but could not find it therefore I don't know your history. Sorry about that. I may be saying something that does not fit here. But the point I am trying to make is that you should first try to be happy with yourself and for yourself. Once you're happy with yourself you may be able to be happy with others. Think really thoroughly of what you need in order to feel happy and act upon it. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm the first to believe in love for eternity and etc, but the thing is that you should not need this other woman in order to feel happy. If you can't stop thinking about her and think that she may change your life to better think about it twice. It may happen or it may not. You don't know what your relationship will turn into once with this woman. So you have to decide for yourself (without her) if where you are now is giving you something at all and if it's worth giving another try. You should leave your marriage only if you think that you'll be better off alone. And even if you do,you should first understand for yourself what makes you happy, what you love and only after that pursue relationships with other people. I think the reason why you wonder about other woman is because you think that the grass is greener on the other side. But believe me often times it's not. That's why you should concentrate first on making yourself happy. Otherwise you'll be more miserable in future than now.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 As for MC, as I mentioned in my other thread, been there done that. We even talked about it again at one point years ago, and she that I needed it, but not her, and that anyway, the C would once again "take my side". Then find another marriage counsellor. If she feels the one you have now will automatically take your side, then she isn't going to try real hard.
carhill Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Having been in the position that I perceived the psychologist and my wife were "siding" against me, I can opine with authority that the issue had nothing to do with them, rather with my reluctance to take a hard look at myself. Once past that hurdle, therapy has been very effective and satisfying. I personally don't think the counselor is the problem
smartgirl Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Thank you all for your replies. One of the more excruciating aspects of this situation is that I have nobody I can talk to about it, except, of course, the wonderful people here on LS. I have been putting as much distance between myself and the crush as I can, and I will continue to do that. In fact, at the meeting last night, I only spoke with her for about 5 minutes along with a couple of other people. While I believe that my feelings for this woman are real, I would never act on them anyway, so I am trying to let them go. But far, far easier said than done. Carhill, I always enjoy reading your comments, and this was certainly no exception. The reality is that I lost certain feelings for my W a long time ago, and they aren't coming back. Quite frankly, I am surprised she hasn't had an affair by now or left me herself. That is part of why I am now conflicted. I almost feel as if I owe it to her to stick around, just because she has. Toughchoices, I read your thread and was struck by the similarities to my own situation. Fortunately for me, I only see my crush about once every 4-6 weeks, and don't speak with her much in between, so I can put some distance between us. If I had to see her on a daily basis, I suspect I would be out of my mind. Good luck with your situation. I still don't plan on taking action until I have had some IC, as I know I have to deal with my own insecurity and lack of self esteem first. As for MC, as I mentioned in my other thread, been there done that. We even talked about it again at one point years ago, and she that I needed it, but not her, and that anyway, the C would once again "take my side". I have not seen your other posts, but if you can, please tell me how or why a person goes 12 years in a marriage without so much as a kiss? How do you live without affection and why? In normal situations, I think crushes are somewhat normal. I think they get out of control when there is some issue in the marriage that has left a window open, even a crack, for the attentions of an outside person to cause mischief. Then you begin to fixate on the crush because it feels so good and because it is easier than figuring out what to do to make the marriage better. In your case, given I know nothing except for the total lack of physical intimacy, it would seem that you do not have an actual marriage and I don't know how either of you has stood it this long. Something drastic must happen. But I implore you, don't make that thing an affair. It solves nothing. You feel good only in the moments leading up to and during secret or sexual encounters. All the rest of the time and forever after you feel like a dirtbag. If the marriage is beyond repair, leave. Soon. After a decent interval, if the crush is single you can ask her out. If she is married, don't ruin someone else's life too.
Author mysocalledlife Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 I have not seen your other posts, but if you can, please tell me how or why a person goes 12 years in a marriage without so much as a kiss? How do you live without affection and why? I think the answer is probably pretty complex. But I do know that for the last 12 years or so I let a part of myself go numb. I guess you could say I have been a kind of emotional zombie or something. That is part of why this crush has hit me so hard - its been so long since I have felt anything even like these feelings, it has now been overwhelming. As to why something like this crush hasn't happened sooner, that is pretty easy to answer - I pretty much work on my own in a really small office where I am typically the only one there - no co-workers to speak of, can't really interact with vendors/clients because of professional issues, and no friends around. So for about the last 10 years, I have had virtually no social life, and certainly none without my W. I guess you could say I have been in a form of self-imposed solitary confinement. LOL. In your case, given I know nothing except for the total lack of physical intimacy, it would seem that you do not have an actual marriage and I don't know how either of you has stood it this long. Something drastic must happen. But I implore you, don't make that thing an affair. It solves nothing. You feel good only in the moments leading up to and during secret or sexual encounters. All the rest of the time and forever after you feel like a dirtbag. If the marriage is beyond repair, leave. Soon. After a decent interval, if the crush is single you can ask her out. If she is married, don't ruin someone else's life too. As powerful as these feelings are, I am not the type to have an affair. I know without a doubt that I would feel like a "dirtbag", as you put it. It probably also helps that "unrequited loved" was a common theme of my youth. Besides, the more I have thought about the situation, I suspect if were to ever act on these feelings I would risk losing this woman, and the rest of the group, as friends. I may lose them anyway if I do split with W, but that would be totally different.
smartgirl Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 You sound so lonely. Keep the friends and don't let a crush ruin something you have needed for a long time. You need to make some changes in your life, but work on yourself first and foremost. Get out, get involved in something. Start going out for meals, coffee, walks with your wife. Connect with another human being. I can't imagine how either of you have survived this long with so little warmth. The only other people I ever knew in that kind of situation were both the adult children of alchoholics. Is there something like that at play here?
Author mysocalledlife Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 You sound so lonely. Keep the friends and don't let a crush ruin something you have needed for a long time. You need to make some changes in your life, but work on yourself first and foremost. Get out, get involved in something. Start going out for meals, coffee, walks with your wife. Connect with another human being. That is part of why I decided to try some IC. I actually get out quite a bit, but I am shy, especially with strangers, so I have a hard time meeting people. My W and I are friends to a degree, so maybe things aren't so bad, but there is so much I can not and will not share with her now. I can't imagine how either of you have survived this long with so little warmth. The only other people I ever knew in that kind of situation were both the adult children of alchoholics. Is there something like that at play here? Maybe to some degree. My wife's family is full of alchoholics and she grew up with a lot of abuse of all kinds.
marlena Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I just can't fathom how anyone can stay in such an emotionally barren and sterile marriage for so long. Not giving or partaking of any affection,not even kissing, for so long is not conducive to your emotional or mental well-being. It is also cruel. A reality too harsh to accept. And a horrible waste of a life. This, to me, is not love or even affection. I hope counseling helps you but from my standpoint I think it would be a waste of time. You don't need a counsellor to tell you if you have enough feeling left to refuel the fire that has long ago been extinguished in your marriage. Passion or desire for another is not something that another person can tell us how to feel or teach us how to feel. It is either there or it isn't. It would seem you both left this marriage years and years ago. You both let a bad situation perpetuate itself for too long. Perhaps the time to have done something to salvage your relationship was long, long ago. Problems need to be addressed as they arise and not years later when too much has already been lost. The fact that you both did nothing about it, did not even communicate with eachother about your needs and desires or what was lacking in your relationship, speaks volumes about how you feel or rather do not feel for one another. The embers need raking before they stop burning. You should already have the answers by now. Still, I wish you luck and hope things work out at even this late date. Marlena Marlena
marlena Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Mysocalledlife, What exactly kept you together for so long?
Author mysocalledlife Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 I know, without a doubt, that any romantic feeling for my W is long gone, so most of the time I know where this whole situation is headed. The IC is more to help me get to a point where I can deal with that and follow it through than to figure out if there are feelings there. See, I keep having moments where I doubt that things would really be any better if we split. You get to a point where its been so long since you felt certain things, its almost easier to imagine never feeling them again. And as the crush feelings have been fading away, I can feel resignation creeping back in. Not to mention that in our few talks about the situation, I get the impression from my W that she really wants to stay together. Mysocalledlife, What exactly kept you together for so long? Probably a lot of different things. I think both of us to some degree felt we didn't deserve any better. I know for certain that is how I felt for the longest time, and still do to a certain extent. The lack of any real friendships or social contacts outside the M plays a role. The fact that we get along okay and are friends to a degree. We have a couple of dogs, and I think they took our focus off each other for a long time and gave us an outlet of sorts. Not to mention my dread over the question of who gets to keep the dogs. I guess for me, it was a matter of, if nothing was really going to change about my life without her around, why force the issue?
smartgirl Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Your marriage may in fact be beyond repair, but I hope you can get your wife some professional help. I don't know if you have ever done any research on adults with childhoods like your wife's, but they are often very damaged people who have a great deal of difficulty connecting with others. I just can't believe that both of you have let this go on so long.
Author mysocalledlife Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 Your marriage may in fact be beyond repair, but I hope you can get your wife some professional help. I don't know if you have ever done any research on adults with childhoods like your wife's, but they are often very damaged people who have a great deal of difficulty connecting with others. Thanks for the thought smartgirl. My W actually had quite a bit of IC / therapy before we met and it has always amazed me how well she has adjusted considering what she went through growing up. There have been certain times when I thought she could do with a bit more. But when I suggested it, she got defensive, dismissed it and instead told me I needed to get some. One of my current concerns is how she is going to handle the likely dissolution of our M. I just can't believe that both of you have let this go on so long. You know, neither can I. And yesterday, as I started to realistically think about my future, I was overcome with despair at that thought. I also can't believe that my W really believes that after 12 years of no intimacy things will change.
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