br0ken_w0lf Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Well, I thought I'd been doing reasonably well for the past few weeks (quick summary: wife left in August 2007 and is living with someone else). Hell, I was even on here giving advice not more than a few days ago. We hadn't really been in contact for a week or two (mostly e-mail at that) and I was feeling somewhat OK (the rest of my life is a disaster but I hadn't really been thinking about "us" as much). Then, yesterday, we met totally by accident and talked for a few minutes. Totally threw me off guard and I think I actually had a panic attack (or something very similar anyway). I made a somewhat hasty exit and later sent an e-mail. She replied with some other stuff including "I miss you". Now, a day later, I'm a frickin' mess. Thinking about stuff, drinking, and listening to depressing music.... F*** Was I ever making progress or just fooling myself because I've isolated myself from everyone/everything and thought I was making progress? Now I'm thinking about things all over again, wondering why this all happened... Crap.
Confused9 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 You were making progress but you had a minor set back. I guess that's why they say NC is so important. Seeing, talking, anything brings back the pain, etc. Just try and get back on track. You can do this!
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 Thanks for the encouragement Confused, I really appreciate it. We hadn't even agreed on NC (in fact, we had agreed on exactly the opposite when she initially left) but it kind of went to minimal contact on its own. Why tell me she misses me? She's been living with this guy since December. I know she's having a hard time as well and I don't think anyone thinks she made the right decision but still... Fighting off the urge to send an e-mail and/or open "the box of stuff". "Just when you think it's safe to go into the water..."
PinkRibbon Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I am so sorry BrokenWolf! You gave such great help a few days ago and seemed to have it all together. Just drop to NC for a few days to detox from the visit. I am beginning to think that is next to impossible to be casual "friends" or even talk to an ex when you truly loved them. Don't over analysize the situation and just kick back and ignore the texts and emails or what nots that come your way. You were doing well but just had a little set back is all.
Confused9 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I don't know why she said she misses you. But...unless she comes knocking on your door begging for forgiveness...is it really worth it to analyze what it means? I know it's hard not too, but try to just start the process over again and stop speaking to her. She left. She's with another man. Let her miss you. She should miss you. But that doesn't mean she deserves you. UGH! I can't believe the nerve of some people. What the h*ll was she thinking writing that to you? She should have known you would take it to heart. But, I guess those that cheat and leave...don't have a heart. Or at least don't seem to. Take care of yourself, that's the main focus for you right now...you!
Curmudgeon Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 She left. She's with another man. Let her miss you. She should miss you. But that doesn't mean she deserves you. When you get past, work through and dismiss all the "shoudas, wouldas, couldas," there isn't a whole bunch left, is there. Go ahead and give it a second thought, but that's all!
Gunny376 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 (edited) Of course your going to have some relaspes ~ its natural. Its going to happen? But sitting around drinking, listening to sad music, digging up bones of a love that is long gone ~ isn't worth a owl's hoot in a hurricane! You need to lay off the sauce ~ that's not going to bring her not "it" (the relationship) back. I drank many a damn bottle of Candian whiskley. Didn't find not one soulution nor one damn answer in the bottom of any of em? You do realize that alcohol is a depressant ~ and you really should be touching the stuff if your already depressed ~ kind of like thowing gas on an already raging fire isn't it? And listening to music? Hell I got divorced 18 years ago, and its only been in the last year or so that I've started back to listening to Country music? You sit around to the crap when your going through a divorce? You'll find yourself in a liqour store telling the clerk, "Just give me two fifth's of anything! I really don't give a damn!" In fact? You could wake up dead! I'm sure that by now? You can connect the dots, and see how all of this is a downward, spiraling, self repeating pattern ~ or can be? Misses you? If she missed you ~ she'd be there with you my Man ~ but she's not ~ she's with him ~ and that's just the way it is? Granted she was crazy for leaving ~ but if you sit around trying to figure women out ~ the men in the white coats are going to come and take you away! You're best bet is to set down with pen and paper in hand, and "map" out your life ~ better yet! Make that a pencial. Sit down and write (doesn't have to be formal, paragraphs, writing) just get your thoughts on paper about where you've been, where your at, and where you want to be in five years. What to put in your life ~ what to take out ~ and leave out! Goals and objectives. Things you want to do and see before you check out of this life! This really an opportune time for you to get your life organized, situated, and for the first time in your life working the way you want and need it to be. A good book on this very subject is "Me! Five Years From Now" (Sorry, I'll have to find it to give your authors name?) Its not a book you so much read? As you write. The author poses a lot of questions, and fill in the blank type things about your relationships with family, friends, work, financial, wife, girlfirends, boyfriends, ~ I'd highly recommend it to anyone that finds themselves at this life stage. BTW! The next time you see the ExHex? Put your fist around your mouth, and blow hard into your hand, while moving your fist away from your mouth, and exposing your thumb and four fingers to the air as you move your hand from your face. That's right! Blow her off ~ ignore her! And finally? Quit being so damned selfish! You don't know this? But there's a shortage of Good men out here in the real world? There's a lot of damn good women out here everyday looking for just one good man. A man that owns a car that runs! A man that's not on drugs, doing crystal meth, cocaine, smoking crack, robbing banks, robbing convience stores at 3 AM in the morning? That,....................OMG! Has a job! That's truthful, faithful, isn't a womanizer? Not a player! That knows how to find his way home at night when he gets off work at night ~ without hitting every bar in town first? That doesn't gamble away, drink away, nor snort away the rent money? That's willing to learn, grow, and overcome his mistakes ~ especially those that came about because he just didn't know? So your assignment for today is? Quit beating yourself up! Quit being so damn hard on yourself? You did all that you could and you did the best that you had and knew about at the time! Put on some music that's going to get you up out and about. Quit drinking! Its a "rabbit hole" ("Mary In Wonderland") Trust me! It solves nothing, it resolves nothing, it un-does nothing, it changes nothing, it doesn't make her come back, it prevents nothing! Its a band-aide on a open gapping wound! Queen Victoria of Britain mourned the passing of her beloved Price Albert for thirty years! You've got to make the conscious decision to get up out of the "pity-pit" and no one is going to help you up out of that pit ~ except yourself? You've got to make the conscious decision to either live there for the rest of your life as Queen Victoria did? Or to climb up out of it ~ as many of have done ~ and get busy living your life! Get busy living! Or get busy dying! Just that plain? Just that simple! Edited March 9, 2008 by Gunny376
Gunny376 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 (edited) When you get past, work through and dismiss all the "shoudas, wouldas, couldas," there isn't a whole bunch left, is there. Go ahead and give it a second thought, but that's all! LOL! :lmao: This reminded me of the quote from Richard Pryor "You don't see too many old fools running around! You don't get old being a fool!" I always enjoy reading your posts and enlightenment! Edited March 9, 2008 by Gunny376
Mr. Lucky Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Was I ever making progress or just fooling myself because I've isolated myself from everyone/everything and thought I was making progress? Now I'm thinking about things all over again, wondering why this all happened... Crap. Progress isn't a straight line, it has peaks and valleys like anything else. You also have to tell yourself it's okay to be sad. Or mad or whatever other downer feeling you want to run through. It's part of the process. So put on another Tammy Wynette record and pour another glass of Johnny Walker Black. It's OK to look back. Get it out of your system. Having done it, I'll bet tomorrow you'll feel better (although with a slight hangover ). Many of us have been there and understand that it's a slow go. We'll tell you that eventually you'll get through this - you may not believe us. Keep posting here (and sharing with others your advice and thoughts) and you'll start making progress again. It's the LS 12 Step program ... Mr. Lucky
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 Thanks for the support, folks! Deep down, I know that drinking/moping/etc. doesn't solve anything but it seems to be a self-destructive side of me that manifests itself during high stress. And Gunny, I definitely see the bad pattern in all of this - so very hard to break it though it seems. I am quite certain that if I didn't have any other issues (self-esteem, self-confidence, etc.) that I really would be mostly over this. I don't *feel* like I have so much baggage that I need one of those carts at the airport Time to get back on track I guess. Thanks again - I'll be saving these posts to read if/when this happens again!
Gunny376 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 (edited) br0ken_w0lf;1567077]. I am quite certain that if I didn't have any other issues (self-esteem, self-confidence, etc.) that I really would be mostly over this. I don't *feel* like I have so much baggage that I need one of those carts at the airport Time to get back on track I guess. Enlist in the Marine Corps? They'll be more than glad to help you with your self-esteem, self confidence issues The really good news ~ is that as a man? Once you've had your heart ripped out of your chest, stomped on, thrown out on the freeway during rush hour ~ had it good and broken in two? You build up a certain amount of immunity to it all ~ with each and every subsequent breakup? Wife: "I'm leaving you! Me: "O Yea? Make sure you take that furball you call a cat, because I'm not feeding SOB! " jMargel put it best ~ when a woman threatens to leave? Be cool, calm, and collected about it ~ and just matter of factly tell her, "Well, if that's the way you feel about it, OK? But, before you go there's one thing you need to understand? Once you walk out that door? There's no second chances, no coming back, ~ EVER!!!!!!!!!" Personally? IMHO? I don't think any man can really consider nor call himself a "man" until he's had his heart good and properly broken? Because if you can make it past that pain, suffering, headaches, heartbreaks of a woman your truly in love with? You make it through all of that ~ YOU'RE A MAN!!!! ~ JACK!!!! I would recommend you get some CD's by Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor! Both comedians from back in the day? Especially Sam. Sam's gone ~ but he's got some interesting points about women, relationships and marriage! You should be listening to comedy ~ not George and Tammy! As we say down here in the South? Sometimes you've just got to laugh to keep from crying! We all live our lives somewhere between a laugh and a trear ~ and I try most days to stay on the laugh-side. The truth of the matter is? Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be? And that's very much true! Self esteem? Self Condidence? What? With the Ladies? Watch MSNBC when they do run their series about "Locked Up" on Monday's. There are guys in prison for life without parole that get women to marry them! I use to be a production manager at a plant that employed "work release" inmates and they got GF's at work!!!! Think about it? Locked up, on work release, been in prison, living in a work camp, working for $8 an hour ~ hard work too ~ had to work like a Hebrew Slave working for Pharoah building the pyrimids ~ most of what they earned went toward paying off fines, court costs, lawyers, restitution, child support, etc ~ no car, no apartment ~ no house, ~ hand-me-down clothes from Goodwill? And they have GF and not only that? They want to marry them when they get paroled or EOS, (End of Sentence)? The fact of the matter is? There are more female births than there are male births? The Chineese are having a fit about this fact? In China and most Eastern counteries? The equivalent of Social Security? Is have one or more male children. With each succeding birthday you add to you life? Your stock goes up! If you live to be 80 ~ there will literally be two women for you! There's not a shortage of women ~ except unless you live in Eagle-Puke Alaska? If that's the case ~ then move! Edited March 10, 2008 by Gunny376
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 OK, I'm more or less back to normal now. Rough weekend though. Briefly got sidetracked again today when, in a business-related e-mail, she mentioned that her mom was in town for a few days. Then the wheels started turning: *my* mother-in-law meeting my "replacement" for the first time; kinda reminded me of how much else I'd lost. Still a little bitter right now to be honest but trying to forget about it. . Enlist in the Marine Corps? They'll be more than glad to help you with your self-esteem, self confidence issues The really good news ~ is that as a man? Once you've had your heart ripped out of your chest, stomped on, thrown out on the freeway during rush hour ~ had it good and broken in two? You build up a certain amount of immunity to it all ~ with each and every subsequent breakup? Subsequent??? Damn Gunny, I don't like the picture you're painting here... But I do see your point, this is my first dumping experience. . jMargel put it best ~ when a woman threatens to leave? Be cool, calm, and collected about it ~ and just matter of factly tell her, "Well, if that's the way you feel about it, OK? But, before you go there's one thing you need to understand? Once you walk out that door? There's no second chances, no coming back, ~ EVER!!!!!!!!!" Funny, she had actually threatened to leave in a few particularly bad arguments. I never understood it and it's not something I would do myself as it seems very childish. Wish I'd used your above response at the time... . Personally? IMHO? I don't think any man can really consider nor call himself a "man" until he's had his heart good and properly broken? Because if you can make it past that pain, suffering, headaches, heartbreaks of a woman your truly in love with? You make it through all of that ~ YOU'RE A MAN!!!! ~ JACK!!!! Have heard other people say this in general, that everyone should have their heart really broken at least once in their lives. Maybe there's some truth to it. It'll definitely make a person stronger but the danger is in being bitter forever afterwards. . Self esteem? Self Condidence? What? With the Ladies? No, I have those issues in general unfortunately; I wish it were more specific And this experience has really amplified them. Lotta fixin' to do... Thanks again, everybody!
Gunny376 Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Well BW I hope I didnt offend! Wasn't my intent! But I''ve got a factieous sense of humor. After all I've been through? Twenty years in the Corps, a cheating wife, divorce, seperation, bankruptcy yada, yada, yada! Hell CNN could come on tomorrow and announce there's a metor that's going to end all life as we know it! Me? I'd put my Ray-Bans on, get out a lawn chair a cooler of Coor's Light, (Got to watch the waist line) and a couple of half gallons of Canadia Whiskey! Me? I don't give a damn if the sun doesn't shine! Which is my point! Once you've been through it? You build an immunity to it! "You're leaving me?" "Let the Post Office know ~ so they know where to forward your mail to! Otherwise? Its going into the trash!" "NEXT!"
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