I realize I am a jerk - I don't know how to change

[Jalapeno]

A female friend of mine recommended I come here...she said I am an ass and refuses to give me advice on the situation.

 

I'm a 30 year old man and I've never been married, never really had a long term relationship. I'm an executive and travel a lot for my job. The women I have seen usually are turned on by my "status" - money, career, vehicles, etc. I've never spoiled any of them, though. I don't even have to date most of them they just seem to be pretty easy.

 

A few years ago I met a woman and found myself instantly attracted to her. She has a great career and is fiercely independent. But she is also beautiful, caring, honest, loving, and is just a great person in general. Everyone who knows her loves her instantly.

 

We "dated" for about 6 months. She doesn't consider it dating, though. We never really went out, we mostly stayed in. We had great conversations on the phone and by email when we weren't together, but when we were in person I couldn't keep my hands off of her. She seemed to resent me for that and always said she felt slutty afterwards. I didn't think she was slutty, she was just my dream girl, and the sex made me feel so close to her. It was the best sex of my life. But things dissipated and we lost contact.

 

I've since realized that I express my feelings through sex, and I don't know how to do so otherwise. I don't have a lot of friends, I'm not very close with family, my life is mostly my work. I don't want to socialize, I prefer staying in and reading, occasionally playing video games.

 

I contacted her about 8 months ago online. She said she was willing to talk with me online once in awhile but did not want to see me again. I respected that, but we ended up talking daily and my life just seemed to improve so much to have her back, even if we weren't together. After a few months she agreed to hang out again. It wasn't very long before I was trying to get her in bed. She's just every fantasy of mine personified. It's incredible, and I can't resist.

 

We started exclusively seeing each other, but I admit I haven't been the best boyfriend. I don't see her often. I am usually too tired after work to want to drive to her place. I don't really want to hang out at my place so I don't invite her over. And I prefer to go to see her because I feel I can control the time easier...I can leave when I want...if she comes over I can't just leave.

 

She'll complain about our relationship, and every time she has complained she has tried to break up with me. Somehow I've been able to convince her to stay around, but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to. She wants to be in a relationship where you go out and such, but that's not me.

 

 

As a resolution, I offered to take her on a vacation, and another time I asked her to move in with me. Each time I just served to piss her off. She says I don't take her seriously and thought the offers were jokes. But, honestly, I was serious when I said them. I asked her to move in because I know she wants a serious, committed relationship, and that was the best way I thought I could give her that.

 

 

She's stopped inviting me places with her, including major events, weddings, holidays, and birthdays. It pissed me off and I asked her about it, but she said it was because she was sick of me turning her down and making excuses to never go anywhere. And she is right, I do always turn her down when she invites me somewhere. I really hate going out, and I hate acting social. I do what I have to do to be successful with my career, but I don't want to do that in my personal life.

 

I don't really know what to do. I don't want to lose this woman, but I don't want things to change much, either. I love the relationship we have, it seems perfect to me. My friend says I should let her go because it's not fair to her, but I feel like I need her in my life.

[shanny]

If you really want her in your life, you will have to start doing some "couple" things. She probably wants to take you out on the town and show you off, or just wants to share other things with you. I don't think there is any way around that... Who knows? If you try it you may like it.

[NuTuDating]

Stay an ass. As a "nice guy" I can tell you that you would just invite more heartbreak onto yourself.

[Touche]

This is a mismatch if I ever saw one. First of all, I don't get how you could ask her to move in with you when you don't even like having her over because then you can't control when she leaves? If you won't even have her over, then what are you thinking asking her to move in with you?

 

This woman isn't stupid. She can see that you're just making a last ditch effort to keep her around. You even said you asked her to move in because you know that SHE wants a commitment. That's probably the worst reason I've heard of for living together. It should be because you BOTH want that commitment.

 

This woman senses and knows all this. Your last ditch efforts are wasted on a smart woman. Cut your losses and find someone who doesn't want or need much from you other than sex. Because it doesn't sound like you really want or know how to sustain a long-term relationship. Your past history kind of tells that story.

 

Let her go. She's not for you. She deserves a man who wants her in ALL senses of the word.

[City_girl]

What you have offered her there is a friend with benefits situation. If you are serious about her ask her to marry you or let her go

[carhill]

Two words.... "flight attendant"

 

Since you travel a lot and have status and I presume an attractive appearance, you'll have no problem having a companion nearly everywhere you go. FA's have "domiciles" where they reside and commute from/to. Most of the female ones I interact with are single and their schedules often make a relationship difficult.

 

I'll echo the other's suggestions to leave this lovely lady alone. It's too much work for you and too much pain for her. I don't think you're an ass, just incompatible with her. As some recommend, a FWB in your domicile might work best for you; someone who would put you way up on their potentials ladder but are satisfied with whatever you give them.

 

Actually, I'm kind of curious about your female friend. Is she single??

[Touche]

I just wanted to say one more thing. I don't think you're a jerk either. But in your title you do say that you don't know how to change. What is it that you want to change? Why do you think you're a jerk?

[Jalapeno]

 

This woman isn't stupid. She can see that you're just making a last ditch effort to keep her around. You even said you asked her to move in because you know that SHE wants a commitment. That's probably the worst reason I've heard of for living together. It should be because you BOTH want that commitment.

 

Let her go. She's not for you. She deserves a man who wants her in ALL senses of the word.

 

I'm not against a commitment. I would have to try it out to really know. I already have committed to seeing her and her alone.

 

And I do want her in all senses of the word. She's amazing and intelligent and beautiful...I can't see how any man wouldn't want her.

 

 

What you have offered her there is a friend with benefits situation. If you are serious about her ask her to marry you or let her go

 

Two words.... "flight attendant"

 

Since you travel a lot and have status and I presume an attractive appearance, you'll have no problem having a companion nearly everywhere you go. FA's have "domiciles" where they reside and commute from/to. Most of the female ones I interact with are single and their schedules often make a relationship difficult.

 

I'll echo the other's suggestions to leave this lovely lady alone. It's too much work for you and too much pain for her. I don't think you're an ass, just incompatible with her. As some recommend, a FWB in your domicile might work best for you; someone who would put you way up on their potentials ladder but are satisfied with whatever you give them.

 

Actually, I'm kind of curious about your female friend. Is she single??

 

I don't really find any other women attractive at the moment. The time we were apart I tried to find women with her qualities and similar attributes but nothing compared.

 

But, your suggestion is similar to what I have done in the past. I had a "friend" in each city I traveled to most often.

 

Thank you for not thinking I am an ass, although, some additional details may change that opinion.

 

And the female friend...she's dating.

 

I just wanted to say one more thing. I don't think you're a jerk either. But in your title you do say that you don't know how to change. What is it that you want to change? Why do you think you're a jerk?

 

Thank you.

 

I want to change whatever I can to make her want to be with me, and be content with our relationship. I'm not going to leave her, I don't want to leave her. She's my dream girl, and I know she thinks we have great chemistry, too.

 

As for why I think I'm a jerk...I have treated her poorly at times. I am selfish. Very selfish.

 

Often when she tells me how unhappy she is with things it's by phone. Then I suggest we talk about it in person, which she knows will not likely happen because she knows me pretty well, so she becomes more mad that I suggested it. Somehow I'm able to charm her into letting me come over so we can talk "relationship" issues, but usually I don't let the discussion start, and I just try to have sex with her.

 

In order to see her the last time I said "I just need to come over and talk about what I need to do to make our relationship work" and told her I would take her out to dinner. As soon as I got there I kissed her passionately and couldn't resist going further. I know she likes sex with me, and I know she can't resist me. Afterwards, we laid together and cuddled for a few minutes, and then I said I had to go. I didn't take her to dinner like I had initially promised. I think I was only there for an hour or so. I could tell she was mad when said "You're LEAVING?" but I still left anyway.

 

I feel like a jerk. I know it's wrong. I don't know why I don't stop the behavior. She doesn't even bother to start fights with me. She just tells me she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, or she thinks we should just stop talking, and then I start an argument because I don't want her out of my life.

 

I hate that I hurt her. I really do.

[Storyrider]

If she's such an amazing person, why do you only stay for sex? Does the interpersonal aspect have zero payoff for you? That makes me think you aren't truly compatible.

 

You can be sociable with others for your job, for money, but you can't be sociable with someone you supposedly want to spend your life with?

[whichwayisup]

You need to work on yourself, do counselling to help you come out of your shell. If you don't, you WILL lose her forever. All because you're too stubborn to try to enjoy the company of others, to be included in her life, not just behind closed doors.

 

She has a great career and is fiercely independent. But she is also beautiful, caring, honest, loving, and is just a great person in general.

 

Did you tell her this? If not, she needs to hear you VERBALLY say that you do have feelings for her. It can't just be about sex, with woman, they need to hear it as well as feel it in bed.

 

You're afraid to take a chance. Not because you're afraid of getting hurt, you're afraid of change. Changing your life as you know it. Being alone, being independant, doing what you want when you want and not having to run something by someone else. Well, snap out of it man!! Otherwise you're gonna be a lonely old man and be full of regret, asking yourself WHY didn't I go for it! Why didn't I go for counselling to work on my issues, so I could have the woman of my dreams forever.

 

You're not an ass, or a big jerk. Your behaviour at times IS just that, but I don't think you're always like that.

[Touche]

If you really hated hurting her then you'd stop.

 

I hate to say this but I think it's a matter of you now want what you can't have.

 

It's not true that you want her in ALL senses of the word. You don't seem interested in want she wants emotionally or in any other way other than physically. That's the sense I'm getting from reading what you've written. If I'm wrong I'm sorry.

 

I really think you just want her because you know you can't have her. And as wonderful as she sounds, you know she can do better.

 

And no offense but if you had pulled that stunt about coming over and wanting to talk and go out to dinner, etc. I would have never talked to you again. That's not the kind of man most women want to be with. That actually DID make you sound like a jerk. A cad.

 

Are you capable of making her feel like you truly care about her, beyond what she can offer you sexually?

 

You really don't sound ready for a commitment with anyone. Commitment is not something you can "try." It's either there or it isn't. And that means more than just seeing only this woman. Are you committed to taking care of her emotionally? Are you committed to treating her with respect? Is everything always about you and what YOU want? Are you aware that all good relationships require compromise and that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do to make the other person happy?

 

Because commitment is not only about living together. You can have a roommate for that. It's about so much more and I'm not sure you understand that.

Edited March 9, 2008 by Touche

[4givrnt4gtr]

I honestly believe this, my dear jerk.....

 

You either, deep inside want her because she's smoking hot in your mind but havent stayed long enough to really know WHO she is. (hence why you have no problem having sex with her at all times when you see her..then bounce).

 

OR you have a very very deep fear of intimacy, which makes it irrisitible to run when you sense things are truly gonna get deep. (like when you're about to talk to her after sex...a very famous situation where hormones makes us all feel very close to our partner, thus increasing the intimacy factor).

 

Either way, if you truly want this woman to stick around you gotta figure out which one it is. Sit and think about the non-sexual aspects of her that makes her "ideal". If you cant think of one....you got point A in your hands. In which case you gotta either hold of on the sex for a while (tough as it may be) and really get to know her as a person. Also, when you do this, it will show her you respect her and want to get to her for more than what her body can do for you

 

If you think a million things about why she is so amazing, then the next thing to do is to think of a time when you felt really emotionally (not physically!) close to her. Like when a conversation with her made you realize she could be the woman for you. Write down how that memory makes you feel, if it makes you happy and excites you, or gives you that incredibly urge to run out the door. IF it does, then something happened to you that makes you fear being emotionally intimate with her. And that stuff's deep. Something to take up with the local therapist.

 

My opinion.

 

Nice that you want the problem solved though...

[Jalapeno]

Thank you everyone for your opinions. Some of this is really hard to accept, but most of that is because I think a lot of it is correct.

 

If she's such an amazing person, why do you only stay for sex? Does the interpersonal aspect have zero payoff for you? That makes me think you aren't truly compatible.

 

You can be sociable with others for your job, for money, but you can't be sociable with someone you supposedly want to spend your life with?

 

I enjoy our phone conversations and emails. We can laugh for hours about the silliest things. And I appreciate that she is always there for me when I need her to be. But when we are together, I just can't hold myself back from trying to seduce her. If she weren't so appealing to me I don't think I'd still be this way.

 

I don't enjoy having to be social for my job, but I enjoy the money and things I can get with it, so I do what I have to. And I only have to really be that way a few times a month. I know what I have to do succeed, and I do. It's a science.

 

 

Did you tell her this? If not, she needs to hear you VERBALLY say that you do have feelings for her. It can't just be about sex, with woman, they need to hear it as well as feel it in bed.

 

You're afraid to take a chance. Not because you're afraid of getting hurt, you're afraid of change. Changing your life as you know it. Being alone, being independant, doing what you want when you want and not having to run something by someone else. Well, snap out of it man!! Otherwise you're gonna be a lonely old man and be full of regret, asking yourself WHY didn't I go for it! Why didn't I go for counselling to work on my issues, so I could have the woman of my dreams forever.

 

I really haven't told her those things. Not much, at least. I compliment her often on how hot and sexy she is, but I never felt anything else really mattered. Maybe I should try that.

 

You are probably right about change. I have a lot of trouble accepting it.

 

I've considered counseling a few times for other reasons, but I didn't know how to find a counselor, and I was afraid my schedule wouldn't allow the time to meet with them. When I'm home I am flexible as long as I don't have a call to take, but I'm on the road so much, and that isn't flexible at all. Perhaps I should just call someone to discuss that situation and see what they suggest.

 

 

I hate to say this but I think it's a matter of you now want what you can't have.

 

It's not true that you want her in ALL senses of the word. You don't seem interested in want she wants emotionally or in any other way other than physically. That's the sense I'm getting from reading what you've written. If I'm wrong I'm sorry.

 

 

 

 

Perhaps you are correct. She always says that I never see when I've hurt her. A lot of times she is upset and when I ask her what is wrong I always assume it was someone else who hurt her.

 

I guess I feel like a big disappointment when it comes to her. She thinks I'm egotistical and self-centered, which I may act like that at times, but I'm more insecure than she realizes.

 

I am usually able to succeed at everything I try. Maybe this is more because I feel like I'm failing.

 

I honestly believe this, my dear jerk.....

 

You either, deep inside want her because she's smoking hot in your mind but havent stayed long enough to really know WHO she is. (hence why you have no problem having sex with her at all times when you see her..then bounce).

 

OR you have a very very deep fear of intimacy, which makes it irrisitible to run when you sense things are truly gonna get deep. (like when you're about to talk to her after sex...a very famous situation where hormones makes us all feel very close to our partner, thus increasing the intimacy factor).

 

Either way, if you truly want this woman to stick around you gotta figure out which one it is. Sit and think about the non-sexual aspects of her that makes her "ideal". If you cant think of one....you got point A in your hands. In which case you gotta either hold of on the sex for a while (tough as it may be) and really get to know her as a person. Also, when you do this, it will show her you respect her and want to get to her for more than what her body can do for you

 

If you think a million things about why she is so amazing, then the next thing to do is to think of a time when you felt really emotionally (not physically!) close to her. Like when a conversation with her made you realize she could be the woman for you. Write down how that memory makes you feel, if it makes you happy and excites you, or gives you that incredibly urge to run out the door. IF it does, then something happened to you that makes you fear being emotionally intimate with her. And that stuff's deep. Something to take up with the local therapist.

 

My opinion.

 

Nice that you want the problem solved though...

 

Perhaps it is an intimacy issue. I have some issues with my parents and my childhood. I suppose that could be a part of it.

 

I guess I need to figure out how to find a therapist/counselor.

[Trialbyfire]

It's not that you don't know how to change, it's that you don't want to change. On the other hand, you know you're going to lose her, if you don't change.

 

It appears that she's a convenience to you. While you have fun with her and desire her, you don't think of her as an equal person, that needs to be treated with respect.

 

You have no right to control/manipulate her. She knows this but allows it to happen because she cares about you. Of course this has caused major resentment on her side. When resentment builds, sooner or later things will go BOOM, which is what you're sensing.

 

So...how are you going to bleed off that resentment? Will you learn to treat her with respect or will you continue to treat her like dirt? It's your choice.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

You are, essentially, treating her like a robot -"Follow my orders, do things the way I want it to be done." There is no relationship, let alone love, whatsoever.

 

She is fighting, not only your personality, but also your deep rooted childhood inscriptions. She thinks by following your trail of this so-called-life, while imposing her own splash of medicine, that she will somehow change you into a new man. Better yet, that you will dramatically change into the man she has always wanted.

 

Reality: Wrong. She is holding onto a thin piece of string.

 

One day, I bet very soon, she will walk out. Give up. She can't wait forever for you. That's the truth.

 

She knows no matter what the excuse is for getting back with you, it won't be good enough after the 3rd, 4th, 5th chance.

 

People don't change unless a near death or life-threatening experience occurs. Are you willing to do your ALL for this woman? That's up to you. But one thing is for certain, she can easily find another man and in turn have a family, without you ever being in the picture, and that's when you will know you have lost.

 

Sand&Water

[City_girl]

I think we all want to believe we aren't hurting people because we choose to, that we are misunderstood. I think perhaps the only one who misunderstands your behavoour is quite possibly you. I think maybe you don't really believe you are a jerk or more possibly you know what you are and you just don't give a damn. I would describe your behaviour as cadish, selfish, manipulative, narcissistic, ruthless, cold , emotionally detatched, negligent and emotionally abusive . Why you can do this and still sleep at night is beyond me? I wonder what goes through the mind of a man like you the minute he has satisfied his sexual needs and discards the woman who is left feeling used and vulnerable and alone. Real men make sure their women know they want them, they make a woman feel emotionally secure and physically attractive no matter how she feels about her own body. They see a woman's warm loving nature as her strength and not her weakness to be preyed upon for their own selfish gratification

[Taramere]

I admit I haven't been the best boyfriend. I don't see her often. I am usually too tired after work to want to drive to her place. I don't really want to hang out at my place so I don't invite her over. And I prefer to go to see her because I feel I can control the time easier...I can leave when I want...if she comes over I can't just leave.

 

She'll complain about our relationship, and every time she has complained she has tried to break up with me. Somehow I've been able to convince her to stay around, but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to. She wants to be in a relationship where you go out and such, but that's not me.

 

As a resolution, I offered to take her on a vacation, and another time I asked her to move in with me. Each time I just served to piss her off. She says I don't take her seriously and thought the offers were jokes. But, honestly, I was serious when I said them. I asked her to move in because I know she wants a serious, committed relationship, and that was the best way I thought I could give her that.

 

 

She's stopped inviting me places with her, including major events, weddings, holidays, and birthdays. It pissed me off and I asked her about it, but she said it was because she was sick of me turning her down and making excuses to never go anywhere. And she is right, I do always turn her down when she invites me somewhere. I really hate going out, and I hate acting social. I do what I have to do to be successful with my career, but I don't want to do that in my personal life.

 

I don't really know what to do. I don't want to lose this woman, but I don't want things to change much, either. I love the relationship we have, it seems perfect to me. My friend says I should let her go because it's not fair to her, but I feel like I need her in my life.

 

I agree with Touche. It sounds like a mismatch.

 

You want this woman in your life because you feel she enhances it - but it's got to be on your terms and at your convenience. You say you don't want to hurt her, but at the same time there's nothing in your posts that suggests her happiness is any kind of priority to you.

 

"She's my dream woman. I don't want to lose her. I know I'm basically too selfish a person to make another human being happy....but how can I avoid making this one too unhappy, without having to make compromises that inconvenience me?"

 

Those weren't your exact words, of course, but that's how it comes across - to me, at least, and judging from the responses to quite a lot of other people too.

 

If she's a generally happy, healthy person then it's probably because she was brought up in surroundings/amongst people who made her feel loved and secure. Who regarded her happiness as an important thing. That's why, for her, being with someone like you probably feels like such a mismatch. We should flourish in relationships...not become less happy, less functional people as a result of them.

Edited March 9, 2008 by Taramere

[Jalapeno]

Thank you all for your opinions and suggestions. A lot of what you have said hurts a little to hear, but you are probably correct.

 

I think I am a case of "too little, too late." She has left me, and I'm fairly certain it is for good.

 

She's been completely unresponsive to any of my attempts to contact her. She's never been this way before. Even if she ignored my calls she would at least return them later. It doesn't appear to be working like that now.

 

I've never felt this kind of numbing pain. It's so intense and debilitating.

 

Thanks, again.

[Trimmer]

Thank you all for your opinions and suggestions. A lot of what you have said hurts a little to hear, but you are probably correct.

 

I think I am a case of "too little, too late." She has left me, and I'm fairly certain it is for good.

I'm sorry. I suspect she finally decided that she was fighting an uphill battle, with no summit in sight.

 

I've never felt this kind of numbing pain. It's so intense and debilitating.

You are at a fork in the road. Will you retreat into your career, stay inside and numb the pain with video games, then go out on the road and seek more meaningless encounters, or will you confront yourself, your past, and your future, look honestly into the mirror, and decide what and who you really want to be?

 

I don't mean that to come off as harsh - you have an opportunity here. The greatest pain I've ever gone through turned out to be a great gift in my life. And it turned out that the real gift wasn't about "getting her back" (which was my initial goal, although it didn't come to be), but rather getting myself back, really recognizing who I was and who I wanted to be.

 

Like Sand&Water said: real life change often needs some kind of significant trauma to motivate it.

[DanielMadr]

What efforts did she made to be in relationship besides not liking when you touch her? she doesnt consider it dating. Trying to break up with you.And avoiding your invitations.???

 

She is independant woman? Looks like she is independant on you too. Not a good match for an independant guy, is it?

 

I see PROBLEMS written all over both of you. Dont be such a wimp. 1st Give your life a thought 2nd Be more social and laid back and less needy 3rd Meet some real girls not men with boobs.

[Jalapeno]

What efforts did she made to be in relationship besides not liking when you touch her? she doesnt consider it dating. Trying to break up with you.And avoiding your invitations.???

 

She is independant woman? Looks like she is independant on you too. Not a good match for an independant guy, is it?

 

I see PROBLEMS written all over both of you. Dont be such a wimp. 1st Give your life a thought 2nd Be more social and laid back and less needy 3rd Meet some real girls not men with boobs.

 

Thanks? I'm not really following the first two paragraphs.

 

She liked it when I touched her, but she got upset with that being the only thing we did. And she said she doesn't consider it dating because we didn't really go out on dates.

 

I don't really understand what is wrong with an independent woman, though? I don't want someone to leech off of me.

[DanielMadr]

Thanks? I'm not really following the first two paragraphs.

 

She liked it when I touched her, but she got upset with that being the only thing we did. And she said she doesn't consider it dating because we didn't really go out on dates.

 

I don't really understand what is wrong with an independent woman, though? I don't want someone to leech off of me.

 

The first two paragraphs are about Your happines. Did she made enough effort to make you happy? It sounded to me it was problems and problems from the start. And touched means you were her "cuddle b*tch"?

 

Nothing wrong. But there is independant like adult, mature, not needy and not too insecure ones and there are those full of myself, cold, I dont need you, stubborn ones which are those who proclaim themselves as independant most often.

[Jalapeno]

The first two paragraphs are about Your happines. Did she made enough effort to make you happy? It sounded to me it was problems and problems from the start. And touched means you were her "cuddle b*tch"?

 

Nothing wrong. But there is independant like adult, mature, not needy and not too insecure ones and there are those full of myself, cold, I dont need you, stubborn ones which are those who proclaim themselves as independant most often.

 

I see. Thank you for the explanation.

 

Perhaps I did not explain her very well.

 

I really feel the issues all stem from myself. She did everything to make me happy. The problems started when she realized I wasn't reciprocating. I am a selfish person. I can't deny that. And I admit that took advantage of her.

 

Cuddle b*tch could easily describe the complete opposite of our sex life. She never expressed dissatisfaction with our sex life, but more so she felt like that was all we had going. She wants more from a relationship than just the physical aspect.

 

She stopped inviting me places with her because my responses always indicated that I only wanted to be with her and not her friends. I realize now she's very close with her friends, they are like family to her, and that upset her because she was trying to share her life with me. I don't have relationships like that. I'm not even close with my family, and have few close friends, so I didn't see why these things were important to her.

 

She's not independent in the cold, stubborn respect, and I would never describe her as needy. I don't think she asked for anything out of the ordinary from me, I just never felt it necessary to change because she would always stick around.

 

Looking back, I was the cold, stubborn one.

 

I know why I lost her. I still think she is an incredible woman, but it seems unlikely she'll give me another chance. Perhaps everyone who has stated that we are just incompatible is correct.

[whichwayisup]

So, what are you going to do now? Stay the way you are, or work on yourself, come out of the selfish box and live a little? Maybe prove to her that you're worthy of ONE more chance?

I still think if you worked on you, opened up more, tried putting her first, learned how to compromise, you'd be happier in the long run. Like I said in my other reply to you, I think you're afraid of change in every sort of way..

[Trialbyfire]

I know why I lost her. I still think she is an incredible woman, but it seems unlikely she'll give me another chance. Perhaps everyone who has stated that we are just incompatible is correct.

I guess the next question is, what do you feel would be a compatible person? If you're aware you're a cold, selfish person, who would be a good significant other for you? Or do you feel you should continue to dine and dash?