Tired, Worn out and Sick of it all...But Why can't I leave...:(

[Mom2my3Monkeys]

I will try and give you the short version, but not sure how that will work out...I got married about a year and a half ago to a man that I thought was "the one" my Prince, my everything....If only I knew then what i know now. He used to treat me like I was his princess, made me feel so special, then I got pregnant and he said I was so moody and no fun to be around and that he hated being around me, I wasn't moody, I was just tired and felt like **** and was quiet but I was never moody or mean to him. Our daughter is now nine months old and things have just gone down hill, he complains to people that he is miserable with me, that I control him and that he needs out of this marriage. When I found these things out I of course approached him cause if that was how he felt then why the hell stay married right? Well he said he was just in a bad mood that day and didn't mean any of it and that he couldn't imagine life without me, I then find out that he has been cheating on my since before we got married with several different women. His reaction to that, "Why the hell did you read my emails, if you didn't read them then you wouldn't know and things would be fine" WTF???? He said that its just sex, that he LOVES ME that he is IN LOVE WITH ME and not to worry about it and just let him be and everything will be fine. When he is drunk he gets pissed at me and cusses at me, one time he hit me. NOW TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM???? WHY CAN'T I JUST GET UP AND LEAVE? Why am I so in love with him that I just stay here with it all? Maybe deep inside I hope things will change but I highly doubt it. I have no one to talk to about this. There is ALOT more of course but I will be typing for hours. My first husband was the same way and it took me eight years to up and go, I don't know if I can put up with it anymore, being depressed and sad and unhappy SUCKS!!!!!!! Sometimes I wonder WHY DID I GETT REMARRIED.... I guess I was hoping for that happy ending...Don't think that was meant to be for me.

[carhill]

How long were you alone between the time you divorced your X and started dating again? How long between that point and when you met your current husband? Is your new daughter your only child?

[Mom2my3Monkeys]

I started dating about two years after my divorce, I met my current husband five years after my divorce. No our baby is not my only child, I have two others from my previous marriage. So a total of three kids.

[janfow365]

Okay, first things first. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. You need to sit down and figure out why you keep attracting the wrong men. The common denominator here is you. If you're worried about the kids, and them not being raised in the 2.5 kids nuclear family, don't sweat it. They're not going to get much of a proper upbringing if they live with a family role model like your other half who has a problem with honesty, and in general acts like a real shmuck. You need to be careful of "like father, like son". Better there be one good role model, then two ****ty ones.

 

As to being in love with him still, that really boils down one question... do you love him for what he IS, or do you love him for what you THOUGHT he was? If it's the later, which I highly suspect, then you need to leave now. Prep whatever you need to prep, and get out. You are never going to be happy, emotionally wasting away, pining after a fantasy that never was. Believe you me, he's going to carry on as he wants, it's simply the way he's wired it seems. What you need to do is realize that this is not a good partner, emotionally detach yourself (for the sake of your kids, if no one else), and move on to greener pastures.

 

What you need to do in your next relationship, is first sit down and figure out what you really want in a partner. Then make the next step and figure out what you need to avoid in order to achieve that. Then you'll get a much more accurate picture of what you should be looking for in a life partner, and father for your children.

 

The next thing is honesty. If you can't be with a man who will tell you what their greatest fear is, then marriage should not even be on the table. Be open about sex, dislikes, likes, attitudes about fidelity, what you hate about each other, the whole nine yards. The bull **** has to go out the window, if you really want to be confident in any man in your future. You have to make the choice, and take the bull by the horns. You, have to make sure that you are happy.

 

The last thing, is don't waste your time feeling guilty or sorry for making two bad choices in a row. The "white knight" is something that fits more into the social structure of medieval england, not the 21st century. So your ideals in that catagory may have to adjusted somewhat. Today, making the mundane romantic is what seems to work. In a world of temptation, screaming kids, paying the bills, and working long hours, poetry and passion may not be on the bill whenever we women want it to be. A lot more effort has to be made these days, on both sides. We all need to take our romances with a little bit of salt, and understanding.

 

Take these experiences as learning opportunities, which can help save you from years of angst and bad parenting. You are wise to notice this now, and not later, thank your lucky stars.

 

So buck up, face the demon (per say), and get on with your life. You are a better woman and better mother then to put up with this kind of toxic partner in your life.

[1975ville]

You want something that is not there.

 

You refuse to accept reality.

 

You want something that cannot be. Anger is his nature, but you want him to be nice. You are investing your happiness in him. It won't work.

 

Let him go, the sooner you stop wanting the better you are going to feel. It may take a long time. It may take years, but you will get over it.

 

Run from him, go away, seek the help of others.

 

Pray and God will always listen to you.

 

Besides, any man who hits a woman is a pus_y.

Edited March 11, 2008 by 1975ville

[carhill]

I started dating about two years after my divorce, I met my current husband five years after my divorce. No our baby is not my only child, I have two others from my previous marriage. So a total of three kids.

Thanks for that. During the period concurrent to and/or after your divorce, did you receive any sort of IC, MC or FC. I ask because it appears you were careful to allow sufficient time between relationships and to hopefully learn from your prior marital experiences.

 

You have a lot on your plate, especially with three children to consider. No easy answers here. Do you have family local to you? Does your husband drink to excess often?

 

I'm purposely not being harsh here because I'm betting that you're a "planner" type personality who works out all the details before making a move and are very patient with the status quo in the meantime. Does this sound accurate to you? I'm also betting that, even though angry, you have a doubt somewhere that you deserve better. If so, that's likely something you'll have to work on outside of the marriage through IC.

 

When you say you have "no one to talk to", can you elaborate? Do you feel isolated? No friends or family? Or, are you lacking an empathetic ear, due to those near you being more action-oriented or judgemental? Your perspective is important here, to help you move forward.

 

I hope you'll stay engaged here. There is a lot of empathy, wisdom and life experience to share.

[mariebb]

Wow - you are definitely suffering in your situation. Maybe its really difficult to leave because you know the suffering you went through in the past when you left, or because you're really exhausted now with the baby. If you've been through a break up before and it was awful, it might not be so awful this time because you have more coping skills and a greater ability to your on own and start over. You have to give your daughter a good home to grow up in - you have to give her a model of being a wife that is positive and happy. Would you want her to be in a relationship with a man who was fooling around on her? If she lives with her mother living like that she has a reallly high chance of ended up in severely unhealthy relationship herself (I know I'm one of those daughters and I'm in a severely unhealthy relsp and I too have three kids and am in a big mess about what to do). You deserve soooooo much better than him - what a faker! He'll pay his piper one day - how dare he be a falsehood of himself to suck you in and then treat you like this when you were preg and then when you have a tiny infant. My heart goes out to you. Any mom who has managed to survive with three kids is a saint and just based on that you deserve so much good - and you have been through so much more. I think you should get counselling so that you can truly feel in your heart that you deserve so much more and then settle for nothing but.

 

Good luck, my heart goes out to you and your little one and two older munchkins (they'll thank you one day when they understand all you did for them to have a better life)

 

Marie

[Mom2my3Monkeys]

thank you so much for your reply and reading this has me totally thinking, you hit it all on the nose. I need to get away, i have been looking into going into couseling for myself, I can't live like this anymore

[Mom2my3Monkeys]

I want to thank all of you that have replied to my post and I have read them all and I agree with you all. As for the question on do I have anyone to talk too....Nope I don't, He moved me away from all family and friends and the only people I have gotten to know are a few of his friends. He doesn't like me going out wiht people, he will tell me to make new friends and when I do he says he doesn't like them or will give me such a hard time that its not even worth me going out anymore. I know I need to get away, I just wish I had some close friends near me that I could just lean on