realitycheck1111 Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 I have been surfing the web for info about what happened to me two days before christmas, my wife of 10 years cheated on me with a previous ex she knew before me. This started in October of 07 and I found the incriminating evidence in her emails to and from him and a little private meeting filled with a ten minute wham bam thankyou mam sex! and thats not every little deatil of the earth shattering news that I have had to bear. We have been in counselling and we are trying to work it out slowly, and yes I did ask her to move her sorry ass out of the house but she wont, this was in the beginnning of the bad news, I am since been on anti-depressants and seeking counselling for suicidal thoughts, anyone who went thru this knows the emotional roller coaster which i am feeling right now, i am hoping to hear from you guys and girls? just need to talk and vent and cry, thanks.
InvisibleGirl Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 What do you want to see happen? does she want to stay together?
bentnotbroken Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 I know what you are feeling. Been there, done that, got a t-shirt. It is hard at first, but you kind of find a place that allows you to function without completely falling apart. Unlike you I told Mr. Messy to move and never come back. I figure if you could throw away 20+years away so easily, it didn't mean anything to you to begin with. So I don't know how to handle living with her daily. Eventually got of the antidepressants, and I feel better than I have in years. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Author realitycheck1111 Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 Yes I want to make it work, but I am trying to get past the hurt anger despair and all that, the day i confronted her with the affair she begged for her family back and cried how sorry she was and showed the guilt and remorse she felt.
Author realitycheck1111 Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 I know what you are feeling. Been there, done that, got a t-shirt. It is hard at first, but you kind of find a place that allows you to function without completely falling apart. Unlike you I told Mr. Messy to move and never come back. I figure if you could throw away 20+years away so easily, it didn't mean anything to you to begin with. So I don't know how to handle living with her daily. Eventually got of the antidepressants, and I feel better than I have in years. There is light at the end of the tunnel. The pills keep me on level ground for now and some day I hope to put them away, thanks all/.
LakesideDream Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I seriously don't get it. Your wife cheats on you so you go to the doctor and get pills to turn off your emotions good and bad? This woman parts her legs, invites another man inside her and YOU want to commit suicide? WTF is going on here? You believe you are so worthless that you need to accept whatever you are given?..... oh wait, that's todays world. We wait for the scraps others feed us. My bad, I forgot.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 If she wants to be forgiven and to have a chance to make it right again, she MUST end ALL contact with the OM. And, go to both individual counselling and marriage counselling. Sorry for your pain. But, don't let this kill you. As awful as you feel - Use that feeling to make yourself stronger and wiser.
carhill Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Her job- Consistent remorse. Verifiable NC with OM. IC for her and MC with you. How many kids? Do you have any close friends (yours not hers) you can talk to? I don't envy your next year or two
phoenixgirl Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 (edited) LSD, how are things in YOUR world - the one in which you moved 700 miles to your MW's town without even telling her about it, in hopes of winning her away from her H? Suicidal ideation is not something to go "WTF" about. Maybe YOU wouldn't respond this way to any given situation, but not everyone is like that. Some people just don't have adequate coping skills, or they have a chemical imbalance; and a situation like this may bring up these feelings even if they've never had them before. There's not a single person here - or anywhere - who is in a position to judge someone if they truly feel like they cannot cope. With *any* situation, not just a shattered A or M. On the other hand (as a general disclaimer to any and all reading), DO NOT pull the suicide card just to garner attention. Suicidal ideation is very, very serious and is something that I, personally, will never take lightly. DON'T say it lightly. If you truly feel suicidal, GET HELP IMMEDIATELY - contact your therapist if you have one, go the ER, or call the above number. If you're only saying it to get attention or be melodramatic, stop it. It's not funny, it's startling and scary. Not saying that the poster wasn't serious; I'm just sayin'. Suicidal ideation is one of my biggest pet peeves - both with people who pull the card as an attention-getter, and with people who degrade those who truly *are* suicidal. It's just not cool. Sorry for the rant, and hope I didn't offend. I really don't mean to, I just... I see this too much where I work. Edited March 9, 2008 by phoenixgirl
LakesideDream Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 LSD, how are things in YOUR world - the one in which you moved 700 miles to your MW's town without even telling her about it, in hopes of winning her away from her H? Phoenix you aren't paying attention. The move is still 3 weeks away.
phoenixgirl Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I know you haven't moved yet, you're still in the process. It's just that the whole suicide thing gets to me, as I said. My passion caused me to misspeak, even knowing your circumstances. Even when you don't truly know anyone else's.
LakesideDream Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Suicide is incomprehensible to me. While I am familiar with, and unafraid of death, causing it by my own hand is not a thinkable option. Some years ago I was diagnosed with a terminal condition, and expected to croak immediately. I was very sick. Delerious with fever most of the time. For five nights in a row I was given the last rights in the evening (and I'm not catholic, go figure). The only thing I can remember that was pleasant was the overwhelming feeling of peace, and the cessession of responsibility. It didn't matter any more if I went to work, or did the laundry. Obviously I survived and got better. I was also wounded 3 times in combat almost 40 years ago now. I wasn't worried then either. As I said, death is familair, suicide incomprenensible.
phoenixgirl Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Trust me, LSD, suicide is incomprehensible to me as well. I can't imagine ever getting to a point where I would feel the need to end my own life for any reason - and my A is ending, and I love MM with all my heart; I'm lonely and scared and feel relatively hopeless; I struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis and I did long before I ever got into an EMR. But suicide will never and could never be an option for me. But not everyone feels that way. We can't possibly know the depth of what someone is feeling when they're going through *anything*, and especially we cannot know the ramifications of whether what they're currently feeling has any bearing on anything they've been through in the past (abuse or neglect of any kind, etc.). I just felt that you were invalidating something that was very real for the original poster, and something as serious as suicidal ideation at that. Again, suicide is very much a button-pusher for me so I apologize if it seems like I'm shouting from the top of a very short soapbox. Your reaction just seemed very insensitive to me.
Author realitycheck1111 Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 Her job- Consistent remorse. Verifiable NC with OM. IC for her and MC with you. How many kids? Do you have any close friends (yours not hers) you can talk to? I don't envy your next year or two Consistent remorse is present all the time with her. No MC with other OM is verifiable so far. Two stwp daughters moved out on their own. One small boy between us of our own. I had someone I thought i could trust, a mutual 20 year freind of both of ours, BUT it later turned out this so xalled freind everything frome DAY ONE! but didnt tell me, I have since chosen not to make any more contact with her anymore.
Author realitycheck1111 Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 I seriously don't get it. Your wife cheats on you so you go to the doctor and get pills to turn off your emotions good and bad? This woman parts her legs, invites another man inside her and YOU want to commit suicide? WTF is going on here? You believe you are so worthless that you need to accept whatever you are given?..... oh wait, that's todays world. We wait for the scraps others feed us. My bad, I forgot. You might not get-it because you are not me, I didnt come here to get bashed, just to talk.
LakesideDream Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Reality, I'm not "bashing you" I'm telling you that this isn't your fault. You are taking responsibility, and punishing yourself for something your wife did. You don't need to do that.
carhill Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Consistent remorse is present all the time with her. No MC with other OM is verifiable so far. Two stwp daughters moved out on their own. One small boy between us of our own. I had someone I thought i could trust, a mutual 20 year freind of both of ours, BUT it later turned out this so xalled freind everything frome DAY ONE! but didnt tell me, I have since chosen not to make any more contact with her anymore. Thanks for that. How's your boy doing? I ask because "little" indicates pre-adolescent and, if so, he'll really pick up on your emotions. Kids sometimes don't show it, but such issues go deep into them. How have you felt today? Sorry about the spring leap Are the thoughts less racing? Where do you want this to go from here, from today? How do you think MC is helping? How long have you been going? FWIW, my wife will ignore me one minute and want a massage the next. I'm getting huge mixed signals. Our situation is different but I'm curious what signals you're getting. What do your instincts tell you?
Author realitycheck1111 Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 no problem, thank you for the reply.
Author realitycheck1111 Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 Thanks for that. How's your boy doing? I ask because "little" indicates pre-adolescent and, if so, he'll really pick up on your emotions. Kids sometimes don't show it, but such issues go deep into them. How have you felt today? Sorry about the spring leap Are the thoughts less racing? Where do you want this to go from here, from today? How do you think MC is helping? How long have you been going? FWIW, my wife will ignore me one minute and want a massage the next. I'm getting huge mixed signals. Our situation is different but I'm curious what signals you're getting. What do your instincts tell you? My boy is eight years old. I am sure he has heard something but we try to keep it to (mommy and daddy talk time) and talk privately, thank the lord he wasnt home when I found out and confronted her! Today I felt Ok, but now and then it will pop into my head and I get a little sad and then angry and try to keep to myself, but not for too long, especially when she asks "whats wrong?" I want to blurt out "WTF do you think is wrong" but thats not being constructive is it? Im not getting any mixed signals at all, I think if anyhting she is terrified I will take off and leave her. She is trying but I just cant trust her. Been going to counselling for two weeks, she has agreed to go on her own as well as with me, because I told her she has a "problem" and should get help. I will be going to get help soon for my "problem" Thanks all for the replies, I can answer more if needed, I am a relatively quiet person, so I need a kick in the pants now and then to talk and come around.
Author realitycheck1111 Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 Reality, I'm not "bashing you" I'm telling you that this isn't your fault. You are taking responsibility, and punishing yourself for something your wife did. You don't need to do that. no problem LSD, thank you for the reply.
Darth Vader Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Yes I want to make it work, but I am trying to get past the hurt anger despair and all that, the day i confronted her with the affair she begged for her family back and cried how sorry she was and showed the guilt and remorse she felt. She was sorry that she got caught! Not sorry for the affair, I hope you know that!
stampdaddy Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 She was sorry that she got caught! Not sorry for the affair, I hope you know that! Darth, respectfully, we don't really know yet if she is or isn't.. Maybe, just maybe the "reality truck" ran her over.. It was just a brief, crazy moment of time, right?? JMO
Darth Vader Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 My boy is eight years old. I am sure he has heard something but we try to keep it to (mommy and daddy talk time) and talk privately, thank the lord he wasnt home when I found out and confronted her! Today I felt Ok, but now and then it will pop into my head and I get a little sad and then angry and try to keep to myself, but not for too long, especially when she asks "whats wrong?" I want to blurt out "WTF do you think is wrong" but thats not being constructive is it? Im not getting any mixed signals at all, I think if anyhting she is terrified I will take off and leave her. Maybe you should/need to blurt out that statement, after all it was her actions that did this, not yours! Why should you keep all that emotion bottled up inside, that would cause you to explode in a few years? What she did wasn't constructive at all, being angry about the betrayal is constructive to your well being! Man, I hate it when society says that men can't get angry no matter what, but, they can sure be beat on in several different ways, with no consequenses.
Darth Vader Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Darth, respectfully, we don't really know yet if she is or isn't.. Maybe, just maybe the "reality truck" ran her over.. It was just a brief, crazy moment of time, right?? JMO Possibly, but, then again, who wants to go out, screw someone else who may have AIDS, or another STD, hurt their spouse and family(knowing that they are doing it), or, she might be sorry she got caught, the fun and excitement is over. It could be either/or, but, we know if she hadn't got caught, it might still be going on.
bentnotbroken Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Trust me, LSD, suicide is incomprehensible to me as well. I can't imagine ever getting to a point where I would feel the need to end my own life for any reason - and my A is ending, and I love MM with all my heart; I'm lonely and scared and feel relatively hopeless; I struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis and I did long before I ever got into an EMR. But suicide will never and could never be an option for me. But not everyone feels that way. We can't possibly know the depth of what someone is feeling when they're going through *anything*, and especially we cannot know the ramifications of whether what they're currently feeling has any bearing on anything they've been through in the past (abuse or neglect of any kind, etc.). I just felt that you were invalidating something that was very real for the original poster, and something as serious as suicidal ideation at that. Again, suicide is very much a button-pusher for me so I apologize if it seems like I'm shouting from the top of a very short soapbox. Your reaction just seemed very insensitive to me. That's right, unless you have walked in someone else's shoes you can't possible know the depths of despair. I had a student a few years ago who was having trouble. I set up a meeting with her mom. Mom comes in, she is pretty young and had 3 children on her own. To top it off she had dropped out of school at 16 and could not read. She told me she couldn't help her kids with their homework because she could barely read and she began to cry and say what a horrible mother she was. I tried to comfort her and called in the couselor. We set up a program for her children and a private tutor for her. We called her social worker and got her counseling. We thought she was on the road to recovery, until I saw on the news that she had killed herself in the garage with her 3 children in the house. 25 years old and gone. I couldn't understand how she would do that to her children. I was actually pissed at her for not giving the things to help her time to work. Funny how God makes you walk a mile in someone else's shoes. Fast forward a few years and I am writing letters to my children, because I have planned my own suicide. I had been depressed for years. Mr. Messy was constantly battering my self esteem and I decided the only way to make him happy and to stop hurting(percieved hurts)my children. I thought my insurance policy would make their lives easier and they would be relieved that I was no longer around. Wave after wave of self loathing and pain kept coming over me. I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone, nothing to contribute but anger,pain and hostility. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I missed my dad who had died so much and I just wanted all the pain to stop, at any cost. I had surgery during that time and I actually prayed not to wake up. When I woke up in recovery, I cried. They thought it was from the pain of the surgery, but it was from the pain of living. Thank God I have a girlfriend who realized what was happening and called my doctor(also a family friend) and they stepped in. I got counseling, was diagnosed with a depressive personality(my whole life, who'd thunk it?)and I turned my life over to God( I had made a mess without him, so what did I have to lose with him?) So now I understand in ways that I never knew how you can get to the point of suicide. It isn't the cure you think it is when you are in the middle of the pain, but you can't see it at the time.
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