It's been a rough week

[phoenixgirl]

I know you guys are going to crucify me. It's fine. I deserve it. My therapist slapped me on the wrist too.

 

I tried to implement NC, I really did. He kept texting and texting and texting and knowing him, I knew he would haul his butt to my house to make sure I was okay if I didn't respond (this was last Sun. night) - so I did, and told him NC. I told him he needs his space to figure out what it is he really wants, since he's contemplating going back home, and that I just can't handle the stress of the situation anymore.

 

He got upset. But he did what he usually does, when I've tried NC in the past - he latched onto me and didn't want to honor NC, and I had a VERY hard time telling him no. So I got sucked in to talking to him and texting him AGAIN throughout the week... yes, I know, he didn't MAKE me, I allowed it. I did NOT cave in, ahem, other areas, though, so forgive me if I give myself *some* props.

 

So long story short, I find out yesterday that he has pretty much ultimately decided to go home... and I feel strangely detached about it - at the moment. Tomorrow will be another story I'm sure. My best friend drove up from Augusta to spend the whole weekend with me, and we have plenty of beer in the fridge. I absolutely need to have NC now; however, there are some personal items of mine that I simply must have before he goes home (pictures), and he doesn't want to give them up. I told him that he doesn't need reminders of me if he's going to try fixing his M, and he got angry at me and just walked away.

 

I mean, isn't that the point? To go home to his W and work things out? He IS choosing her over me by going home, right?; so why would he want to keep my pictures, and then get upset/mad when I tell him I want them back? Stupid man.

 

I was angry in our last conversation. I told him that I waited a year and a half for him because I loved him, believed him and believed in him. I told him that in the last year and a half I could have had anyone I wanted, been with anyone, gone anywhere - but I put so much of my life on hold for HIM. I told him I would not wait for him, not anymore. I told him he was stupid for not seeing the good thing he had standing right in front of him, and he agreed. He f*ing cried. And not to sound naive or stupid myself, but he NEVER does that.

 

And the thing is, I *can* move on... I *can* be happy with someone else... I *can* build a different, more beautiful life for myself. But if he goes back to a M where he was unhappy before he met me, where he was unhappy while he was with me, a M he doesn't really want to go back to (well, SO HE SAYS, financial reasons MY A**), then he's stuck. And he won't have me to fall back on anymore!

 

He says he's quitting (work) in the next month and a half or so, because he wants to find a higher-paying job. Goddess I hope so, then I won't have to see him *at all* anymore.

[OWoman]

It does sound rough, PxG. I hope your next week will be better. And the one after that better still.

 

I suspect "going home" for him is neither here nor there - he still wants to keep his options open and keeping the photos would be his way of hanging on to the memories and recreating the possibilities and "what ifs" if his M didn't work out. He's NOT really choosing one above the other; he's not really choosing at all. He's simply putting himself in a place and hoping that circumstance - or the women in his life - will make the choice for him, and absolve him of that responsibility. You're putting it right back on his shoulders and he's resisting that, hence his anger.

 

Hang in there! Do whatever you need to do for YOU!

[whichwayisup]

Do yourself a favour, block him. Email and IM. Turn your cellphone off. Make it easier on yourself by making it harder for him to contact you. Let you home phone go to the answering machine. This way you're not as tempted and you won't give in to him.

 

The bottomline is, he's going back home - Reguardless of what his reasons are. THAT should be enough to piss you off and make you see that no matter what he says, (misses you, loves you) doesn't change the reality of your situation.

 

Be with your friends and enjoy their company.

[findmyway]

Sorry it has been such a rough week for you Phoenix. It has been rough for me too, but for the opposite reason of the NC with me and MM did finally stick. His choice, not mine. I know it is the right thing while he decides if he is going to go back home or not... but it is extremely difficult for me knowing he implemented it and it seemed to be relatively easy for him (prob not the case, but sure does seem that way).

 

Anyway, Phoenix I do have to thank you. Your comment about wasting 1.5 yrs of your life waiting makes me realize that this NC thing really is for the best. I could wait a yr or more also to see if he goes back and ultimately, like your mm he probably will. I would have not progressed much and the heart break would be that much worse. Why tack another yr onto the 3 plus yrs I have already invested in this relationship???

 

I guess I just want to say hang in there and keep coming to these boards. We all can certainly learn from each other.

[phoenixgirl]

OWoman, you're absolutely right! He *doesn't* want to make a choice, he never has! He's been sMM for EIGHT F*ING MONTHS; he's had plenty of time to decide whether he wants to be with me or with her and he's never been able to come to a concrete decision. It's always been "I'm so confused" and one time, I even got the classic "It's not you, it's me"! Maybe part of that is because when he moved out, he wasn't ready: she kicked him out on D-Day. She's given ultimatum after ultimatum and he would never follow through; I never did give an ultimatum but I never got results either. And yet, every time I tried NC he latched onto me like a leach, and in my fantasy world I thought it was because - faced with NC - he "realized" that he just couldn't be without me.

 

Pfft.

 

Once he goes home, NC will be easier except in the context of work - until he quits, which I actually-really-truly do hope he follows through with. He doesn't do email or IM, he's not all that technologically savvy (thank Goddess). Our main mode of communication is through text messaging. Unfortunately, I can't turn the cell off because it's also my work cell and I'm pretty much on-call 24/7, but I'm hoping that once he goes home he won't chance it...? He rarely if ever contacted me when he was still at home. I'm sure his W will be monitoring him VERY closely once he goes back anyway.

 

But since I've found this site, I think I'll have a better chance of ignoring text messages if I get them in the future.

[Gwyneth]

I don't see why anyone would give you a slap on the wrist for how you are feeling and doing and saying.

 

It seems to me that he's having a hard time letting go of you already and needs those pictures and what ever else material things to be reminded of you. That's stupid on his part. If he's **Really** ready to go back to his W and work on his M, then he should also be ready to let go of those pictures. That should be part of his Closure.

 

However, by him removing those special items from your home and taking them with him, then you can use that move as Your closure from him. Take it for granted. Or, make copies of the photos if they are That important to you. You will still have memories either way--and maybe he's doing you a favor by removing them from your home. Think about it that way.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Phoenix, just to understand -are the photos sentimental ones of you or are they "private" ones of you?

[phoenixgirl]

Some pictures are currently on display in his apartment, in frames. I want them back, of course. A few are just of me, one or two with me and his dog, a few with me and him. And yes, he does have some that are rather private (please please please no recriminations about how stupid that was, I realize it fully; they were all post-sMM, and I naively thought I was safe). And CRAP, not only do I need to get the pictures back but my housekey as well.

 

Regardless, the pictures don't need to go home with him whether they're private or not, and that's just a no-brainer. I would assume that no W wants her H to have pics of another woman, most esp. a woman that she knows he had an A with! He is truly delusional if he thinks he can keep those hidden from her, am I right?

 

It will do no good for him to hang on to tangible reminders of me for any reason. Once I make a commitment to move on from someone or something, and move toward that commitment with 100% force of will, it happens with scary intensity. I've always held out hope in the past; him going home nullifies all hope and dreams for me. There's no use thinking that by keeping them, he'll be keeping a tether on me either. The longer he keeps putting me off about it, the more p*ssed I get about it.

[Gwyneth]

Change your locks--that solves the key dilemma.

 

I too sent "private" photos to MM, but never included my face in the photos. It crossed my mind many times that he probably shared those photos with his coworkers, even though he "said" he didn't. Well, he also said he was "unhappy" and "needed to be out of his marriage." Anyway, I figured I would deny the photos are of me if he did share them because my face isn't in any of the photos. I don't regret giving him those photos, though.

 

I hope for your sake your face isn't a part of those pictures. At least ask him to cut out your head if he insists on keeping them.

[phoenixgirl]

Trust me, Gwyneth, he will NOT be keeping any of those pics. I'm going over to his apartment today to get them all (thus breaking my NC, but I feel that it's for a very good reason) - if I don't physically go to get them, he'll never cough them up on his own.

 

And I know exactly how many he has, too (not many). So there will be no "keeping a few aside" or "forgetting" to give me one or two "by accident."

 

I did play it relatively safe. But still... if she found them, she would KNOW. I don't want to make things any worse than they already are, especially after he goes back. Him going back means reconstruction for all three of us; keeping those photos would most certainly not be conducive to that.

 

I'm going to need some serious healing time after this...

[maddoglover]

Sending you strength vibes............ Don't know how strong they are seeing that I'm not very strong right now myself.... but if I offer a little support, and the others offer a little support, maybe we can all together get enough to you to get you through this.....

 

hugs!!

[Gwyneth]

What if he made copies of these photos?

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

You're right, Phoenix, he doesn't and shouldn't have your photographs anymore. And I wouldnt feel comfortable either. But I guess regardless of the photos, he's always going to have the memories and you can't erase them. If it's going to be difficult for you to see him, I would leave the photographs - he may have won a battle but you could be winning the war maybe?

 

Good luck in getting them back if that's what you decide to do

[phoenixgirl]

He won't make copies of the photos - I absolutely trust him enough not to do that, because he knows how strongly I feel about all of it at this point. I know he's never shown them to anyone. It's strange to me to think that there are some areas in which I know I can absolutely-positively trust him in certain things (not to betray me on certain levels - he's never blamed the A on me, for example)... but I couldn't trust him to take care of my heart. But *that* opens up a whole other realm of psychology and finger-pointing at myself that I don't particularly want to get into right now, so I won't go any further with that thought!

 

I'm *dreading* calling him, I really am. I'm doing SOOOOO okay with not talking to him or seeing him right now... but I also know that my anxiety will skyrocket if I let the subject of the pics and my housekey slide. That *is* the war for me. As previously mentioned - I need Closure. This will help me with that. And at the same time, it will let him know - irrevocably - that I mean business about not being the OW when he goes back home. I'm standing strong in that and he has to realize, once and for all, that I'm not going to back down from this.

 

No matter how much it hurts right now.

[LakesideDream]

Some pictures are currently on display in his apartment, in frames. I want them back, of course. A few are just of me, one or two with me and his dog, a few with me and him. And yes, he does have some that are rather private (please please please no recriminations about how stupid that was, I realize it fully; they were all post-sMM, and I naively thought I was safe). And CRAP, not only do I need to get the pictures back but my housekey as well.

 

Regardless, the pictures don't need to go home with him whether they're private or not, and that's just a no-brainer. I would assume that no W wants her H to have pics of another woman, most esp. a woman that she knows he had an A with! He is truly delusional if he thinks he can keep those hidden from her, am I right?

 

It will do no good for him to hang on to tangible reminders of me for any reason. Once I make a commitment to move on from someone or something, and move toward that commitment with 100% force of will, it happens with scary intensity. I've always held out hope in the past; him going home nullifies all hope and dreams for me. There's no use thinking that by keeping them, he'll be keeping a tether on me either. The longer he keeps putting me off about it, the more p*ssed I get about it.

 

Actually Phoenixgirl, I don't agree with you on merit. Emotionally I understand why you want the photo's back. But they belong to him. The two of you are no longer a couple, that doesen't mean you can pick and choose your possessions, especially those that were gifted to him.

 

When I was divorcing 8 years ago now, we "split up" the pictures, and I offered to have any of the ones I retained professionally copied, at her expense. She chose not to spend the money. When I was sick and hospitalized four years after the divorce, she gave a list of things she wanted out of my house included were a couple of antique side tables, and personal jewelery including a very expensive watch she gave me plus a few other items she forgot when she cleaned me out. She also instructed my daughter to find and retrieve any "pictures". My daughter claims she was under the opinion that this was OK with me. I was very sick, but I know she didn't ask me (she doesen't claim she did, she just took her mothers word for it). I ended up literally being burglerized when I was in the hospital with absolutely no recourse. I couldn't go to the Po-Po, as my adult daughter was involved. When I asked my ex to return the stuff, she just laughed at me and said "what are you going to do about it" smugly.

 

There is no reason that all the evidence of a 25 year marriage should have been stolen from me. Yet it was, long after the divorce. I'm sure your ex feels the same way. If you are in a legal process, ask for the stuff as a part of the settlement. If not, why not let him have momento's of your relationship?

[phoenixgirl]

LSD, I see your point. I've offered to return the few mementos that *I* still have from the relationship; he told me to keep them. So I can see both sides of that. And there are no legal issues between he and I either (we've never lived together, thank goodness), so that part's a non-issue.

 

The problem I'm having with the situation, though, is that he's moving back home with his W - what if she finds the pictures? Won't that make his home situation worse? Especially considering the fact that (I assume) he's going back to try to fix his marriage? And some of those pictures are rather private; and while my face isn't in them, she would *absolutely* know that they are of me - how could she not, since she's known about me with absolute clarity since D-Day eight months ago?

 

Y'see what I mean?

 

And like I said, I guess at this point it's a matter of pride for me. He's fighting giving up the pictures and I feel like he's doing that in an effort to keep me hanging on (control me), and I want to MOVE on if he's going home. I need to let go of hope and ya know what? So does he - or at least, he needs to let go of trying to control me and I need to stop letting him. Holding on to my pictures won't help him move on to work on his marriage.

 

[Did I really just say that last sentence, like it's *really* want I want him to do? Hm, I'll need to analyze that more fully later. ]

[LakesideDream]

LSD, I see your point. I've offered to return the few mementos that *I* still have from the relationship; he told me to keep them. So I can see both sides of that. And there are no legal issues between he and I either (we've never lived together, thank goodness), so that part's a non-issue.

 

The problem I'm having with the situation, though, is that he's moving back home with his W - what if she finds the pictures? Won't that make his home situation worse? Especially considering the fact that (I assume) he's going back to try to fix his marriage? And some of those pictures are rather private; and while my face isn't in them, she would *absolutely* know that they are of me - how could she not, since she's known about me with absolute clarity since D-Day eight months ago?

 

Y'see what I mean?

 

 

 

And like I said, I guess at this point it's a matter of pride for me. He's fighting giving up the pictures and I feel like he's doing that in an effort to keep me hanging on (control me), and I want to MOVE on if he's going home. I need to let go of hope and ya know what? So does he - or at least, he needs to let go of trying to control me and I need to stop letting him. Holding on to my pictures won't help him move on to work on his marriage.

 

[Did I really just say that last sentence, like it's *really* want I want him to do? Hm, I'll need to analyze that more fully later. ]

 

 

Phoenixgirl, No I don't "see" what you mean. I have read, and re-read what you have written.

 

One thing I don't understand is why you feel qualified to judge what's good and bad for your ex, and also feel that you have the authority to decide what gifts from you he is "allowed" to keep. Most curious is that you seem to believe, or want us all here at LS to believe that you are "looking out for" his wife's feelings.

 

You even tried to legitimize your grab by offering him back "momento's" that he presumably gave you, which he turned down.

 

Why is it you, you, you? What in those photo's could be so damaging to you that you would debase yourself so completely to get them back? The truth is those pictures are not yours. It's his absolute right choose not to return them.

 

Have you thought that he actuallywants to keep the pictures? Or are you to worried that someone might recognize you (sans your face) causing you some minor embarassment (were all grown ups, we've seen nudies before).

[White Flower]

Phoenixgirl, No I don't "see" what you mean. I have read, and re-read what you have written.

 

One thing I don't understand is why you feel qualified to judge what's good and bad for your ex, and also feel that you have the authority to decide what gifts from you he is "allowed" to keep. Most curious is that you seem to believe, or want us all here at LS to believe that you are "looking out for" his wife's feelings.

 

You even tried to legitimize your grab by offering him back "momento's" that he presumably gave you, which he turned down.

 

Why is it you, you, you? What in those photo's could be so damaging to you that you would debase yourself so completely to get them back? The truth is those pictures are not yours. It's his absolute right choose not to return them.

 

Have you thought that he actuallywants to keep the pictures? Or are you to worried that someone might recognize you (sans your face) causing you some minor embarassment (were all grown ups, we've seen nudies before).

Argghh!!! My internet went down just as I replied to this!! Now I have to remember what I just posted.

 

OK, and forgive me PG if I'm wrong, but for me the answer to LSD's question is too-fold. When a man loves you enough to make love to you and loves you enough to say he loves you, then he loves you enough to protect your reputation. Even if you are the OW. And in this case, the OW lost him. He needs to pretect her honor, especially when she has lost the one she gave herself completely to. She took a chance by being with him knowing the odds and now he needs to honor her.

 

Now, the wife is hurting already; she doesn't need the added pain of seeing her H's nude pics of the woman he fell in love with. It hurts like hell. I have a friend who recently discovered a pic of her H's OW and in it she was dressed but her belly was bare. She (the W) obsessed over that belly. PG knows they are working on the M and to add to any further pain is just unthinkable especially when it is preventable. And yes, some OWs are concerned with the W's feelings.

 

In summary, the MM needs to honor the reputation of the one who lost him and prevent any further pain for the one who won him.

 

I also think it might be hard for PG to admit this (sorry, hon, I don't know your age) but it seems today we are not allowed to talk about honor, dignity, and chivalry. We're supposed to be hard and callous and so sexed up that we're not ashamed of it. I for one have no problem sexing it up with my guy; I just don't want the whole world to see it. Our pictures are for us and nobody else.

Edited March 10, 2008 by White Flower
added a missing word;)

[OWoman]

I think there are two separate issues here:

 

The physical pictures, whose property they are and what should be done with them;

 

The symbolic value of the pictures -

 

• for PxG
  
• for MM
  
• to the W, should she come across them
  

 

PxG wants them back as a symbol that the A is over, that MM no longer holds any part of her.

MM wants to retain them, as a memento of the R - thus resisting putting the R behind him.

MM's W would in all likelihood be very uncomfortable with the notion of MM holding on to reminders of the R, would see this as a reluctance on his part to commit fully to the M, and - should she actually come across the pictures - would likely be confronted by the full force of evidence that the R wasn't something negligible that she can easily dismiss.

 

Yes PxG did GIVE the pictures to MM, together with her house key (and her heart). Yes, in terms of the first consideration, he is the legitimate owner. Would a court of law uphold his property rights should they have to hear this case? Most unlikely. There have been similar cases here in my country and in each one the court has ruled in favour of the claimant (PxG in this case) since the physical attributes of the "property" are massively outweighed by the symbolic attributes.

 

The MM's wishing to hold on to the pictures shows he's trying to hold on to the R, thus not fully committed to the M he's returning to. PxG is merely insisting that he follow through fully with the consequences of his "choice", so that it becomes a real choice and not an evasion of choice.

[LakesideDream]

WF, I think I agree with you however your wording is a little ambigious. Personally I have a few dozen pictures taken in the eighties, through mid nineties that are extremely erotic. These pictures are in a lock box, in my floor safe... which is why I still have them, they would have been stolen were they not in the safe.

 

I absolutely, with utter certainty would not share these photo's with anyone, ever. I wouldn't destroy them, or "give them" to my ex either. I was actually a bit suprised that she didn't ask for them in the divorce, she never mentioned them.

 

I think I'm a little out of my depth when reading the ladies views / responses on this one. It would seem that you gals wouldn't pose for the pictures if you didn't want your man to have them. And.... once they are his, why does the choice of what to do with them belong to you once the relationship is over? It's not like each group of pictures is unique, hell nude photo's kept Poloroid in business until well after the digital image age.

[nadiaj2727]

Hi Phoenixgirl. I just wanted to chime in that I think you're being very brave and strong. Yes you had a couple of setbacks by getting involved in text conversations with him. But you ended up sticking to your resolve by not getting together with him and not caving in other areas. Good for you.

 

My xMM was separated for 6 months too -- he moved out 2 months into our relationship and he just wasn't ready to get divorced. Like you I got tired of waiting and playing the guessing game and dealing with all the drama and stress. So I feel like I know how you're feeling. It was really hard and he did cling to me even more than normal and become needy and selfish and a complete basket case. It took me a very long time to go complete NC and once I did I too caved on some text messages and emails so I know what you mean. I also felt like I couldn't win -- I think they are subconsciously manipulative like that, or else the situation just is inherently like that. When I was leaving, I felt like perhaps I was being too impatient and if I could just wait a little longer, we could end up together (he always told me he was getting divorced... to wait just a little while longer... etc.) But then when I thought about staying I realized I felt too guilty because I would be rushing him into getting divorced and I didn't want him to be doing that to be with me... I wanted him to be doing it because it's what he knew was best for both of them and what he was planning to do for a long time (which is what he always told me).

 

I also worked (and still work) with him and I think you said somewhere that you do too. So our situations are really similar. I am rooting for you 100 percent, I know how hard it is but I also know how strong and much more SANE and integral you feel when you are able to keep NC. I used to mark a big "X" on the calendar for every day I didn't talk to him. And I would make a double "X" on the days he contacted me and I didn't respond -- for extra strength-to-me days. (Yes I was that pathetic and weak!) I eventually got to the point where I no longer wanted to respond and I thought HE was the pathetic one for continuing to contact me even though, like your MM, he eventually decided to "try to see if he could work things out with the wife, now that he knew he couldn't be with me" or whatever. I just don't get it. If I was still keeping that calendar I would still have double "X"s once a week or so, sometimes more, because he STILL goes fishing to see if there's any "hope" or to see if I'm still hanging around waiting or whatever, which pisses me off because he's the one who was/ is still married and how dare he still try to have me and his marriage.

 

Sorry for my rant, I didn't mean to take over your thread. Honestly that's one thing that keeps me here on LS -- I like to encourage other former OWs to stay strong and be independent and I also occasionally need to remind myself to stay that way. It's been over 4 months of complte NC for me and I still have triggers and "I miss him" moments. After all of his shanenigans and despite my logical decision to NOT be his OW (or anyone's OW) ever again because I *know* I am so much better than second place and I know it was wrong to be with him while he was married, I still remember those feelings and he still has a convincing power of words and emotions over me. I wonder, like other former OWs, how long I will still occasionally miss him and think of good memories and feel guilty and stupid for ever being with him, etc. I just want to forget about him completely (I guess being here on LS doesn't help me do that LOL). But usually I feel strong and overall I am 100 percent happier than I was when I was an OW. So I am just blabbing away to let you know that you should feel free to post about your struggles because I am very familiar with them, and others here are too. (hugs) Best wishes.

[White Flower]

WF, I think I agree with you however your wording is a little ambigious. Personally I have a few dozen pictures taken in the eighties, through mid nineties that are extremely erotic. These pictures are in a lock box, in my floor safe... which is why I still have them, they would have been stolen were they not in the safe.

 

I absolutely, with utter certainty would not share these photo's with anyone, ever. I wouldn't destroy them, or "give them" to my ex either. I was actually a bit suprised that she didn't ask for them in the divorce, she never mentioned them.

 

I think I'm a little out of my depth when reading the ladies views / responses on this one. It would seem that you gals wouldn't pose for the pictures if you didn't want your man to have them. And.... once they are his, why does the choice of what to do with them belong to you once the relationship is over? It's not like each group of pictures is unique, hell nude photo's kept Poloroid in business until well after the digital image age.

Sorry if it came across as ambiguous. I did have a better reply before my internet went down, then I had to retype it while H was home and I was very frustrated and my thoughts came out quickly, lol.

 

I'm glad you would never share the pics with anyone, but I'm not sure a woman can trust a man who said he would leave for her yet returned to his W. I'll let PxG answer for herself on that, though.

[phoenixgirl]

First of all - Nadiaj, thank you for the encouragement. Yes, it does sound like our situations are very similar! While I'm doing exceptionally well at the NC in terms of phone calls and text messaging (though I did almost break down last night!), work is a different story and is very difficult. With him planning on leaving in a month of so, though, hopefully that final obstacle will be resolved.

 

For the record, these pictures were taken/given at a time long before he ever considered going back home. We were at a place where things were "good" between us and we were actively talking about our future. I trusted him, and I trusted us. It may have been naive, sure. I was really, really ignorant about A's in general, I didn't know this site/discussion board existed, I didn't know the statistics, I didn't know anything. I honestly DID NOT think he would ever go home. Ignorance is never an excuse, of course... but that was me.

 

White Flower is correct in that, ironic as it may sound now (being the OW), I *am* trying to respect the fact that he's going home. If his W found those pictures I'm afraid it would devastate her and it would not be conducive to the rebuilding of their marriage. I've hurt her and their M enough already. OF COURSE I want to be with him; OF COURSE I would rather he be with me than with her; but it's his choice to go home and ultimately I want him to be happy - as hard as it is for me to swallow that he feels that he would be happier at home, I have to let him have that, I have to give him that chance. Not giving him that choice is not love. I guess it's the whole "if you love someone, set them free" mentality. (Gah, how cheesy is that!)

 

Secondly, I have come under no small amount of harassment from W since D-Day - coming to my work and my home, threatening phone calls, etc. I feel that this is no less than I deserve, to be honest. But knowing her the way that I do, if she found the private photos I have absolutely no doubt that she would make them public knowledge - and I'm a professional with a career. There are many people where we work that suspect or even "know" about us, even though there have been no repercussions because we've kept it out of work; but if she went public with the pictures the fall-out could be rather embarassing, if not devastating. That's not a chance I'm willing to take.

 

And lastly, as OWoman pointed out, him trying to keep the pictures - ANY of the pictures - signifies to me that he is still trying to retain some kind of hold on me, whether he is doing this subsconsciously or not. He needs to make a clean break from me in order to move onward fully into his M and reconcile with his W. "Sentimental mementos" of an A or OW are just not logical or healthy if you go back home with the mindset of trying to fix your marriage; and as I think it was pointed out elsewhere in this thread, I believe what he's trying to do is to NOT make a decision, and he resents the fact that I'm placing the responsibility on his shoulders to do so. The issue of getting my pictures (and housekey) back has become a symbolic message of making him take responsibility for his mistakes, as I am now taking responsibility for mine.

[GreenEyedLady]

At the risk of sounding unsympathetic, I think you're making the pictures too big of an issue...

 

I feel for you, I really do...(((HUGS)))

 

What's most important here is your healing and feeling better...

 

The pictures are keeping you in contact with him...What you need to do is *pretend* he doesn't exist...Move on with your life...It's really not worth the extra turmoil...

 

I am thinking of you; be strong...Move on...He is not a gentleman or worth a moment more of your time...

 

GEL

[phoenixgirl]

You may be right, GEL... I just don't know.

 

A part of me feels like, in order for ME to let go, I need to have that piece of me back, you know? But I've been so focused on them the last day or two that it was driving me nuts. I made the conscious decision to lay off about it and feel better about the situation now.

 

Truly, my biggest concern now is if she finds them once he goes home. I can survive any retaliation, I know that; but I've already caused so much pain and so many problems, I don't want to cause any more damage. I'm really trying to focus on doing what's right and making amends now. NC is for the best for more reasons than just my own healing.