kittensmittens Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 As I mentioned on here, I started talking to my ex again after 8 mos. It was reeeeaaaally nice having him back in my life b/c i considered him my best friend. Well, I started getting attached to him all over again....but he wants to stay just friends. He's done A LOT of ****ty things to me. So really, I shouldn't even be friends with him. But I'm having so much trouble pulling myself away from him now. Last weekend we went out together and got really drunk (something we actually never did in the past) and things started getting a little close (not sex though). We were supposed to hang out the next night and there was NO indication that we weren't going to....but instead he sent me a text when he got off work saying he needed to sleep and to call him later (which was weird). So I got a little panicky and called him up wanting answers....and he ended up hanging up on me. Two kicks in one night. Then he didn't speak to me for 2 days after that. Well....this is extremely minor in comparison to the other countless ways he's hurt me, but this about did it. This told me that he's already taking me for granted and can treat me like **** if he feels like it. I decided the best option here is to cut him out of my life again...for the sake of sanity and happiness (in the long run). So, all week he had been sending me texts--not apologizing for hanging up on me, etc--but insisting we should still be friends. He pleaded w/ me not to go out of his life again. I didn't reply. He told me I'm being unfair. I didn't reply. He told me I'm being childish and selfish. Still didn't reply. Then he told me that if I love him like I say I do, I won't do this. Still didn't reply....more texts telling me why I should stay in his life--no mention of what I'm getting (or not getting) out of this deal though....so, more proof he's only capable of thinking of himself. So, all this sounds pretty dumb so far, but here's the really dumb part....get ready. I finally didn't hear from him all day yesterday and started to feel sad. I got scared he didn't care anymore and had given up finally--even though that was the goal here. So...last night I wound up really drunk....called him and told him a bunch of things I've been needing to say, told him AGAIN I still want to be w/ him (ugh!), and got angry that he STILL doesn't want me as more (ugh ugh!). So I don't even know what to think or feel right now. I'm pretty sure I should cut things off w/ him....and now I think I've f*cked things up anyway. I kinda told him off a little bit...and the fact that I ended up calling him tells him I AM always here, missing him....so I doubt I'll be hearing from him soon. I feel really sad right now. I miss him a lot. It's killing me that I can't be more than his friend and it kills me even more that I SHOULDN'T be. He's not a good person. I still don't want to accept it, but he isn't. I don't think he's really capable of empathy. I don't think he has a conscience. He lies constantly, is manipulative, has no integrity, no respect for anyone or anything, is immature, irresponsible, ambitionless, and at times even acts like a total sleaze. This is not the person I fell in love with AT ALL. That person wasn't real and it's so painful accepting this. When I'm around him, he reminds me of the person he pretended to be. I get confused and start believing the lies again...but this time b/c I want to. I still feel confused....maybe I'm wrong...but I don't think I am... I haven't heard from him yet today, and I'm resisting sending him a text right now. I don't even know what I would say...I just feel panicky that he doesn't care again if I'm gone. I feel like an idiot. Or a mental case. I can't seem to remove myself from his life even when I try. I'm still scared I have him all wrong. Am I just being ridiculous, should I be able to be friends with him..? I miss him so much.
carhill Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 I feel really sad right now. I miss him a lot. It's killing me that I can't be more than his friend and it kills me even more that I SHOULDN'T be. He's not a good person. I still don't want to accept it, but he isn't. I don't think he's really capable of empathy. I don't think he has a conscience. He lies constantly, is manipulative, has no integrity, no respect for anyone or anything, is immature, irresponsible, ambitionless, and at times even acts like a total sleaze. Paste this on the computer screen and by the phone. Refer to it as necessary. No, you won't be able to be friends with him. No contact (that means not even listening to his messages or reading his e-mails/txts) is the only way to go. Your instincts are yelling at you. Listen to them
BrianG Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Perfect example as to why I think you cannot be friends with exs. Why even put yourself through the agony of it. You have other friends right so why even bother trying to be friends with someone that did the things you describe. Seems to me it just brings the pain from the past into the present.
Author kittensmittens Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 Thanks you guys....I just worry that I'm getting out of hand with my accusations. They are pretty severe. Yet, the examples backing up my claims are numerous and, many of them...undeniable. He does or says just enough though to make me doubt myself. And since I want to believe the best of him...I do. I still just don't know.... I think the only reason I keep coming back for more is that, in my brain, the things about him that make me happy outweigh all the things about him that make me very, very unhappy. I can only liken it to a drug addict, b/c it defies logic. Everyone else is viewing this whole situation completely objectively and they do NOT get it at ALL. There is no logical reason I should continue talking to him.... and so many reasons why I shouldn't, it's ridiculous. It's starting to piss some people off who truly do care about me. I know (think drug addict again) that in the long run I will be better off w/out him. At least, I think. It's so hard. I want to believe he's not this terrible person. I get scared that I've got it all wrong and I've lost someone who means the world to me. But even if he is a great, wonderful person, he still doesn't even want to be w/ me, therefore I should cut off contact with him for the sake of my heart anyway, right? I feel so guilty doing that....and I really and truly miss his friendship immensely when he's not in my life. BrianG, I do have other friends, but it just isn't the same. I really enjoy the time I spend w/ him....it's just not the same w/ anyone else. Ugh....I never should have brought him back into my life. I think I'm hopeless now.
City_girl Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Have we been dating the same guy? I get what you are saying. I did most of what you described before dumping him about 4 times then me contacting him when I had insisted he leave me alone? I dunno what it is but it's not love. it feels like love but it can't be because they are so selfish. Women like b'srds, it makes the sex better, excites us in a way nice guys don't. It's an illness, maybe fear of being alone or low self esteem. You are worth more
carhill Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Hey, you can teach a nice guy to be a b@strd. My wife's done a heckuva job Can't wait for the sex!
Author kittensmittens Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 Women like b'srds, it makes the sex better, excites us in a way nice guys don't. It's an illness, maybe fear of being alone or low self esteem. Actually....he started out as a nice guy. He seemed so much better than other guys....way above the rest. Well apparently, when something seems too good to be true.... And that's definitely making this difficult for me b/c his nice guy image is cemented into my brain. That's why I keep thinking I'm going too far with my accusations...'maybe he's not THAT bad'....b/c it's like jekyll and hyde. It's too much to come to terms with. Also, I'm alone anyway. He doesn't want to be with me. I really don't know why I can't distance myself, except to say that maybe I'm just too attached. He was my first love and we were together for 4 years, lived together for 2 1/2. I really have never been closer to any one person than I have to him, in every way. So I think it's just hurting more having him in my life, just out of reach. Someone I shouldn't even want. This hurts so much...I never should have started talking to him again.
Rich464 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 (edited) hey there kittens, I read an awful lot on these forums but don't post much as I don't usually feel im in a position to advise, I'm only posting here because my situation seems very similair to yours. We dated for 4 1/2 years, lived together for a short while etc and slowly over time she started trying to hurt me more and more in arguments until eventually she went too far and I had to call it off for my own sake. right now its been 3 weeks, she's managed to pretty much cut of all contact and leave me scrabbling for what little contact i could get. Drunken texts and late night emails - not a good thing. I'm torn in 2 different directions, she said some really nasty things but i'm also starting to realise people change, especially earlier on in their lives (im 24 shes 21) but you still idolise this person as the person you fell in love with and wonder why they can hurt you like they do, and even worse, why we feel the need to keep going back for more. Very jekyl and hyde like you said, and also people on the outside looking in can see this and right now everyone from my brother to my mum to my bestfriend are saying I don't know why you were with her for so long, she's just not right for you. I love her with my heart and soul, I always have and I always will but she's not right for me and i'm trying my hardest to get over it but I have to keep telling myself I bent over backwards for her, did everything I could and it still wasn't enough so by definition she's not right for me and I deserve better - repeat to yourself as much as neccessary I know this mainly my ramblings and not much advice but perhaps you could gain some solice out of the fact that someone out there is going through the exact same thing and it sucks, believe me I know Above all, take care of yourself Rich Edited March 9, 2008 by Rich464
Recommended Posts