Planofool Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Just wanted to thank everybody that gave me their advise on how to handle dealing with my wife's EA. I can honestly say that after 9 months since finding out about the EA I am not closer to her nor has our relationship improved. My hat is off to anybody that has a better relationship with their spouse after something like this. I do not look at my wife the same as before. She gets a whole hell of a lot less respect from me. I still can't get it out of my mind. I still check her cell phone records and still search for those hidden items. She still has pictures of her ex husband and old boyfriends in the house. My ten year old daughter found two of her wedding pictures and asked me who was the man with mommy? I told her to ask her mom. I just can't tell you how much this EA has affected our relationship. I have grown numb and have lost a tremendous a mount of respect for her. Once again thanks to all.
Darth Vader Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Are you sure that it was only an EA, and not a PA?
Author Planofool Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 As sure as I can be, he lives 1200 miles away and it was all over the cell phone.
Jackson2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 As sure as I can be, he lives 1200 miles away and it was all over the cell phone. You wife never been back there or to anther city for over night? During the years, how do you know he never come to town?
angie2443 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Planofool, an EA is just as devestating as a PA. I've heard that a PA can take at least 2 years to get past. I don't if this is true, but it has taken me about a year and a half to overcome my husband's EA (and I can't even be sure if it was an EA). I felt the numbness and lack of respect towards my husband. Actually, I still have my moments where it hurts, but these are getting less and less. For the most part, I'm very happy with my husband. I don't remember your story too well. Have you been to MC? Has your wife owned up to what she has done to your relationship? I hope if you choose to stay with her, then she works hard at regaining your trust and respect. For the record, our relationship didn't improve because of my husband's EA, it improved dispite it. Good Luck. I hope it gets better for you.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 She still has pictures of her ex husband and old boyfriends in the house. My ten year old daughter found two of her wedding pictures and asked me who was the man with mommy? I told her to ask her mom. I'd understand why you wouldn't want your home to be a shrine to an exH, but why is mere possesion of pictures from a previous marriage a sin or sign of disrespect? It was a part of her life before she met you, just like many others things she did. This is my second M and my W and I have always freely discussed with our kids that I was married before. It's never been a big deal... Mr. Lucky
Lovelybird Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 (edited) I'd understand why you wouldn't want your home to be a shrine to an exH, but why is mere possesion of pictures from a previous marriage a sin or sign of disrespect? It was a part of her life before she met you, just like many others things she did. This is my second M and my W and I have always freely discussed with our kids that I was married before. It's never been a big deal... Mr. Lucky well, I just read this man who has a very good marriage suggest that put their spouse's photo on their office desk, or drawer, just show others and their spouse how important their spouse to them, so no some other woman or man will even think about making unappropriate advance on them, this author even say that flirt is an act of disrespect. Good marriage are serial choices that people made, not something just happen Based on the situation of OP, he is far from feeling secure about how much she put him in the first place in her heart, she ruined that trust Human respect loyalty, including emotional loyalty. Edited March 9, 2008 by Lovelybird
Author Planofool Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 The pictures are not the only things she has kept. I even mentioned that are house was a shrine to her ex H and old boyfriends. She has told me that holding on to them was like security, talking to the old boyfriend was security. If something happened to us she still had men that loved her. Her dad left when she was three, her ex H was her first love and he divorced her. There is more to the story. She claims she has let go of needing to hang onto the memory of her exH and that I am number one in her heart. But the damage has been done and it is lasting.
Owl Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Are you in MC to help work through this situation? Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? "His Needs/Her Needs"? "Not just friends"?? All good resources to help you figure out how to rebuild after an affair (emotional or physical). It took me nearly 2 years to feel "recovered" after my wife's LD EA. I was where you're at now, at 9 months. I wasn't sure if I wanted to fix things or not part of the time. What are you DOING to rebuild/reconcile? What's your plan?
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 She also needs to do some counselling as she has some deep abandoment issues which need to be dealt with.
twice_shy Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Just wanted to thank everybody that gave me their advise on how to handle dealing with my wife's EA. I can honestly say that after 9 months since finding out about the EA I am not closer to her nor has our relationship improved. My hat is off to anybody that has a better relationship with their spouse after something like this. I think in those cases where people say they worked it out to where it was better, I don't think it is really all that true. It may be better on the surface, but for the betrayed, they will always harbor some sort of resentment. From that point on they are with someone that betrayed them. And even if they say they forgave, they will NEVER forget, and those feelings will come back to haunt them from time to time. I think that the relationships that survived only did so because the betrayed party just decided to bottle everything up from that point on. Sure they probably talked about everything on their mind, but once they said they forgave their betrayer, they just took all of the bad thoughts that came back and bottled it up and just kept a tight lip about it. Thats what I did, and in the end I decided there was no way I was gonna do that for the rest of my life. I do not look at my wife the same as before. She gets a whole hell of a lot less respect from me. I still can't get it out of my mind. I still check her cell phone records and still search for those hidden items. She still has pictures of her ex husband and old boyfriends in the house. My ten year old daughter found two of her wedding pictures and asked me who was the man with mommy? I told her to ask her mom. I just can't tell you how much this EA has affected our relationship. I have grown numb and have lost a tremendous a mount of respect for her. Once again thanks to all. Thats why I always recommend divorce after infidelity. After an EA? hmmm..well I can't speak from experience, but I know if a SO of mine was ever caught up in an EA with someone else and they confessed, I'd end it right there and then. I know from that point on the relationship isn't worth saving because the nature of the R has changed. And in a way I don't want. Good luck with whatever you decide Plano. And I know that divorce seems so destructive to your life, but after its all said and done, the sun will shine
Jess-Belle Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 She also needs to do some counselling as she has some deep abandoment issues which need to be dealt with. Yes, big time.
JustBreathe Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Well, I can sure understand where he' s coming from. It's okay for her to keep pictures in a drawer, who cares? It's pretty normal actually. Just reminders of the path your life has taken. Not necessarily good reminders. Just keepsakes of where you've been in life. Naturally, I wouldn't want them displayed about the house, but it doesn't sound like she does that. What's probably most hurtful is the way she's using her old boyfriend for security, keeping pictures as reminders that there are people out there who still love her?? What the heck? Carrying on with an old boyfriend over the phone. Plano probably feels like he does not have her complete devotion. Like she's keeping a foot in the door. Like she's not to be trusted hence his checking up on her constantly. Like he's got to compete somehow with her past lovers. Maybe it's me. That's how I would feel. Did you mind her having those pictures before you found out about the EA or did you even know about them at all? Don't expect to be close to her for a long while yet. It takes time to process it all in your mind. You've been rocked to the core.
Author Planofool Posted March 10, 2008 Author Posted March 10, 2008 We went to a therapist one time and she did not get along with him. I went one more time by myself. She says we can go to a therapist through her work for free but that has not happened. I realize that we ned to work on this R but I refuse to drag her to therapy.....she does not want to talk about her past. I know that she needs to deal with her past issues but she doesn't want to. I did not have a problem with the pictures that I knew about. I didn't know that she had dated her cousin and had slept with her ex H's best friend when she was still married. I now have a problem with everything she has kept related to her past that she was untruthful about to me. Her cousin is the one she decided to talk to last year for 100's of minutes a day and that he and her had been writing letters back and forth for 27 yrs. He would call the house every two years or so and she would say it was just her cousin. So now I have a problem with the pictures.
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