becoming too clingy and dependant?

[Yaana88]

So I've been wondering this for awhile.. and it's been on my mind to make a post on this site.

 

I was/ am? in a relationship of about 1 year. Things have been great until these last couple of months...

 

I'll do a recap of this past week, to explain why me and him are on a "break".

 

Sunday... I did a 12 to 4 shift at my new job. I called him up as soon as I was off, just to see how he was doing. He was kinda out of it... he said he would call me back later tonight. So I said OK. He never did..

 

Monday: I start the first day of work at my other job. Only getting 3 hours of sleep, it was a bit rough. It was kind of weighing me down that I never heard back from him, but tried to keep my chin up. It was 10pm and no "sorry I was busy" or anything. I texted him before bed, at around 11pm, saying "Thanks for calling me back the other day..". He calls me in 10 minutes saying he was sorry and tried to make amens with me, by making plans to hang out Tuesday, after work.

 

Tuesday: I do my long shift, even more tired and worn out then Monday, but remember the plans. I call him around 4 pm, because I had been off work for a good 3 hours and wondered...

 

He ended up cancelling on me, saying he was not feeling well, but that I should stop by sometime this week. Since I go to the lake by his house a lot, that wasn't a problem

 

The problem was, pulling up to his house and getting a really weird vibe showing up. I almost felt like I shouldn't have been there. All effort put forth trying to see each other this week, was mostly made by me. Which in realization, made me feel like I was bugging him.

 

I stop by... sit down with him for a bit. He goes off to make a phone call because he needed to get ahold of his doctor for an appt. I just sit around his living room for awhile in the mean time.. his mom comes in the room and tells me to get out of the chair. She isnt such a mean woman but has a weird humor... like no one in their family takes each other seriously.. but she isnt very nice. She is constantly telling me how to do my hair and ect... It's very frustrating.

I stand up. He is still on the phone so I just stand around, unsure of what to do. I've got this gut instinct still in my head just telling me, " You went out of your way and burned up all that gas and he doesnt even look too happy to see you" but I had to keep in mind that he said he was sick, even though he didn't seem it.

 

I told him I think I was gonna head out, it was getting late, even though it was far from getting dark. He goes " Okay, I dont blame you. Everyones in kind of a crappy mood, and not feeling good" I just nod. He then asks me if I'm ok. I said "No, I'm really frustrated that I felt sort of brushed off earlier this week" I kept trying to explain myself... that I felt "forgotten" but then he went off the deep end and said "YA it's all my fault" sort of speech.

 

I got mad and left his house. By the time I was home, I was just fuming mad. I can't remember the last time I was ever that mad. I picked up my phone thinking " oh no, I'm not going to bottle this all up again" He didn't pick up. Which made me feel even more anger.

 

I couldn't keep my calm at all and called up a friend to hang out with. This guy happens to drink. I only drink occasionally.. and Alex (the guy I am/was dating) absolutely HATES people who drink. He called me an hour and a half later to say he was in the hot tub and didn't have his phone. I go "okay.. well Ill call you Back". He asked if I was with a friend. I say Yes, <name>.

He then asks me if I will be drinking over there. I hung up on him because I was still really mad that I couldn't get my point across. Then turned off my phone. 2 hours later, I check my phone... A text message saying "I think I've had enough of this. You and I are done"

 

I freak out. Still at my friends place, just talking and looking for support. I did end up having 1 beer, but that was it. I was sitting around the place for at least an hour before driving home. I rarely drink too... so I don't understtand why I did that.

 

Anyway, Alex goes off on me saying that it was very dumb that I drove home after drinking. I said it was very minimal, and I had waited an hour and a half before leaving...but he didn't want to hear it.

 

 

He said lets talk about this later. It was late.. and I was tired. We then go some place to talk, 2 days later.

 

He said he thinks we need some time apart, and that what I had done was very stupid and stuff like that drives him crazy.

 

I told him... infuriated.. "You don't need a reason as stupid as that, to end things. You don't need any reason at all actually" I was just too mad. I wasn't thinking straight, and kept bringing up that if he actually let me know where he was every once in awhile, we wouldn't be in this mess.

 

So we now are not on speaking terms... he says he has no interest in seeing other people. Another thing I had said, was " not to expect things to go back to normal" if we end the break. I don't know whether to technically call it a break, because he said he doesn't want to stop dating me, but wants time apart. He also messaged me on msn... there's this feature where you can text offline. It said "Just wanted to see how you are doing".

 

I am scared that things will not go well. I don't even know for how long breaks are.... or understand them. A week? A month?

 

I feel like I had been very annoying on that Sunday through Tuesday... that I was expecting too much. But still very annoyed and hurt that he always forgets things he says he'll do.

 

I don't have a best friend either. I think I maybe have been trying to replace my last one with him. I don't have enough friends to distract me from looking at my phone to see if he has tried to call.

 

This whole post feels a little jumbled... I'm sure someone out there knows what it feels like to wonder if that person even cares... and wonder why they started to call less and less.

 

ah well I need to wrap this up. I just wish I could understand why relationships go from near perfect feeling, to wondering if they'll ever call anytime soon

[route1]

some advice if you dont mind. i was that guy once altho i was never ignorant or cheeky and always called when i said i would. but that feeling when you think you are annoying him?? sorry but you probably are.

 

its nothing to do with you. there his problems. you should tell this guy that you think the relationship is over and get outa there. you seem like a nice girl. and better is out there for you.

 

he does not make YOU FEEL SPECIAL. like he should. and if you do take my advice to end things with him do NC and stick to it really do. it works. but when not if when he rings tell him things are great and you are having a great time. he will be very annoyed about that.

 

then be strong and stick to it. he will soon realise what he has done. he has no right to be ignorant for no reason. thats just my advice but i am in a very funny place in my life right now.

 

but trust me it will work

good luck

[carhill]

Assuming you're not teenagers, I'll opine that the issues are definitely the guy's problem here and mom has something to do with it.

 

Regardless, it's abundantly clear he's not into you, so I'd suggest moving on. Is this other friend on your friend zone ladder or potentials ladder? If the former, and he's cool with that, hang with him for awhile to get through the issues. If the latter, try not to burden him too much or he might lose interest. Got any girlfriends? Great time to hang with them.

 

If you do decide to start a new relationship, this site is a great resource for ideas and support. Hope you hang around

[City_girl]

I can completely agree with both of the above posts. You were getting the message and he was giving it. No wonder you got so upset. I don't know why men do this, maybe women do to but never dated one lol. I am so sorry to say, sounds like he wanted out and was waiting for a situation to arise. He knows you and knew you would eventually react to what he was doing .

 

I am myself in a similar situation and went back after a break up like yours , sorry again but it sounds very much like a break up. You do deserve to feel special

[Yaana88]

Thanks all for the advice... I really appreciate it

 

I was really agreeing with those posts... but now I am just more confused than ever. He texted me later that night at 10 PM asking me if I had turned my phone off. I texted back "No". He then messaged me "Do you think I could talk to you?" So I called him a little bit later.

 

 

He said he was going to be in town tomorrow and wanted to see if I wanted to get some coffee with him or something tomorrow morning (today now). I just kind of went "Huhh I don't understand" on the phone, more confused than ever.

 

He said went through his phone and looked at photos of us, and it made him really want to get ahold of me that evening. He said that he felt bad about things, but still very mad about how I did something so stupid.

 

It hadn't even been two days of NC.

 

I almost am wondering if I should have just not messaged him back. I don't think it's fair to me, that he's laying the rules down that we need a break from each other, from something stupid I did - but then and goes messaging me, because HE feels like it.

 

I told him I had stuff to do today... but to call me later if he still wants to.

 

So one half of me wants to believe he's just very forgetful, and I just need to "calm down" about those situations... the other half, agrees that he's just not that into me.

 

Blah.

 

Only thing I can really think of doing, is if I go to hang out with him today afterall, just trying not to push things in conversation and act like everything is okay. Like things are going great..

[City_girl]

Sooo hard....maybe both of your theories are half right. Nothing's ever black and white.

 

How you feel about you when you are with him is the most important thing, only you know how bad it is with him and without him. Best of luck with it

[Trialbyfire]

Don't be so convenient for him. Back off, way off. You're chasing someone who doesn't want to be caught right now. Forget game playing with NC though. Backing off doesn't mean you have stop talking to him for an extended length of time.

 

Here's what I think about being clingy. When one person pulls away, the other person tends to hold on more, thus creating the perception of being clingy. Of course this causes the other party to withdraw further.

 

To offset that perception and also for your own peace of mind and self-esteem, pull back so the other party has room to breathe. Worse case scenario, you lose someone who currently doesn't appreciate what you have to offer, thus giving you the opportunity to find someone who does.

 

Btw, I also see his anger about drinking driving (one, with the wait of an hour and half will not blow above the legal limit) as redirection or an excuse.

[carhill]

OP, I'm starting to think the BF's personality is "situational". I've seen this before. Personality matches the circumstances without individual presence. Again, not your problem, but it may bear scrutiny if you want this to work long-term.

 

I have a hard time showing an example, but my interactions with my wife are dependent on our relationship dynamic, not what I'm dealing with at the moment. For example, if I'm in the middle of a stressful job and she calls, I try to disconnect the stress (not her issue) and focus on her. Of course, if she causes me more stress, she gets the result . I'm still working on this dynamic in MC.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is BF appears to me to not have an autonomous personality type and such is confusing to you, causing frustration. I'm hearing from you that there is no predictive tone to his interactions with you, rather that he is all over the place. Unpredictable can be sexy, but I don't think you're perceiving it that way.

 

When you are together and alone, how do you perceive him?