kd93117 Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Before I start, I just wanted to thank you all for being open about your relationships, as it has helped me define the parameters of my own. However, everything we each experience is different - no two of us experienced the exact same set of circumstances - and so I feel I must relay my own story in order to fully grasp this situation. So here it goes... My ex and I (both currently 23) met about 3 years ago, as she was experiencing a bad breakup with her boyfriend at the time. The guy was rather psychotic, and after we got to know each other a bit (though my consoling her), she and I started hitting it off. We moved rather quickly from that point, moving in together after just 4 months. Times were great, and we were truly in love - we went traveling together, attended loads of festivals, got along well with each other's friends and family, etc, etc... But after about 2 years of living together, our relationship was becoming stale, and we were lacking the passion that was so present at the start of our relationship (a common trend with long-term, close-quarter relationships, of course). Nearing the end of our relationship, she went to go spend an evening with an old (male) friend from high school that she hadn't seen in years. This guy was a personal trainer, EMT in training... very good build, apparently humorous, etc. But I, as always, had no problem with her going to hang out with him on her own. I didn't even question her when she returned at 4am. I later came across an AIM transcript between the two of them and, despite my desire to fully and completely trust her, I read it. While it was clear that they didn't do anything physical (outside a parting hug), the conversation was very suggestive and flirty. This broke my heart. When I came around to confronting her about it, she decided it was a good time to break up (mid-November). I was devastated. Initially, I never adhered to any sort of NC approach, and at times we would get into arguments (despite never really arguing during our relationship). She continued hanging out with this guy, going snowboarding together and chillin' at his place, and he would come to see her... I distinctly remember one of our arguments about this guy, and how I pleaded with her to not 'see' him due to his influence on our breakup - that it would hurt so much more than if she were to 'see' anybody else. She still cared about me, and acknowledged that she wasn't looking to find a new boyfriend anytime soon, and that she would definitely consider what I had said. We continued talking for the next couple months, rarely arguing. By about mid-January, she told me that she did start seeing this guy, but that they were only 'seeing' each other, and hadn't tagged themselves with any 'bf/gf' titles... Again, difficult for me, but I was somewhat relieved to think that they weren't serious. She perpetuated my hopes by telling me that she always considered this as just a break, and that she knew she wanted to get back with me after some time. She even came to visit on occasion, often citing that she felt she'd made a mistake by leaving me. At around the end of January, she left for Europe on her own for a 3 week vacation. She found the time to call me every now and then, and we spoke over AIM a good bit. During this time she had on her own, I believe it became more and more obvious to her that I meant more to her than she had realized. Come Valentine's Day, I knew she was going to be in Paris... alone. She seemed rather depressed about this situation, so, to cheer her up a bit, I decided to arrange for a bouquet of flowers to be sent to her at her hostel. The next day, I found myself flooded with messages from her professing her love for me... I was a bit taken aback, but it was a welcome and obvious change for our future. A few days after her return, I drove the 2 hours to her home to surprise her. She was happy to see me, and things started to seem like they were going to work out between us. However, her relationship with this guy was still on my mind, and I had to ask her about it... She told me the truth, and my heart sunk. She told me that they started seeing each other a few days before Christmas (precisely a month after we broke up), and that they'd had sex during the one month that they were together (prior to Europe)... not at all an uncommon timeline for a relationship, I understand, but what hurt me the most was that she chose to do so with this guy. The personal trainer. The one that caused her to leave me. So, it's been 2 weeks, and I still have a number of things bothering me... 1) How could she choose this guy, despite my pleas and my confessions that it would hurt me? After she insisted that she cared, and didn't want to hurt me... She even said that she felt awkward after the times they had sex, but she continued to try anyway because she "just thought she had to get over it" ...? 2) How could their relationship carry on like it did, especially when she claimed she "knew" she was going to want me back? The guy was obviously a rebound, and not meant to last, but she should have understood that it would forever change the dynamic of our relationship. 3) Why did she continue to tell me how much she cared, and continue stringing my hopes along with her talk of still loving me, all the while seeing and sleeping with this guy? In the end (i.e., now) she's desperate to reconcile things. She says she loves me, and I believe this to be true. She admits that she made a mistake (one which I would have thought could have easily been avoided)... but I am in the process of learning how to forgive her. There has been a lot of pain on my end, and I feel like she can't respect that because she's spent the past few months having a good time with this guy. She says she's sorry, but that doesn't fly too far with me. It's simple enough to enjoy making bad decisions, say "sorry" at the end, and get away with never having to feel pain. But this has been a total roller coaster ride for me, and so I also spend time considering how things can be great again in the future, as we were a great match for each other... So what do I need to do? How can I get over this?
xpaperxcutx Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Here's my take on your situation: So, it's been 2 weeks, and I still have a number of things bothering me... 1) How could she choose this guy, despite my pleas and my confessions that it would hurt me? After she insisted that she cared, and didn't want to hurt me... She even said that she felt awkward after the times they had sex, but she continued to try anyway because she "he had to get over it" ...? When you wrote that she proposed to call a break to the relationship in general, the idea that must have came to her was- she'd still maintained emotional ties to you, but was physically able to go around having said "sexual encounters" with someone more "athletic" and perhaps "attractive" than you. 2) How could their relationship carry on like it did, especially when she claimed she "knew" she was going to want me back? The guy was obviously a rebound, and not meant to last, but she should have understood that it would forever change the dynamic of our relationship. In this case, you can't say the guy is a rebound, but more of a temptation for her, hence said " break". She made that claim about getting back with you because she was being selfish and wanted the option of being single and committed at the same time. Emotionally she kept you hoping, thus kept you on an "emotional" lease, while she went out with this other guy without any guilt over changing the relationship you both had together. 3) Why did she continue to tell me how much she cared, and continue stringing my hopes along with her talk of still loving me, all the while seeing and sleeping with this guy? To sum up the above questions, she didn't really care at that time anyways. She was only tending to HER needs and didn't really cared about yours. You wrote it yourself, "stringing my hopes along". She kept you as her backup option in case things don't work out with the trainer, and she knows that if she'd needed a shoulder to cry on and a caring person to take of her, she'd always have you there. In the end (i.e., now) she's desperate to reconcile things. She says she loves me, and I believe this to be true. She admits that she made a mistake (one which I would have thought could have easily been avoided)... but I am in the process of learning how to forgive her. There has been a lot of pain on my end, and I feel like she can't respect that because she's spent the past few months having a good time with this guy. She says she's sorry, but that doesn't fly too far with me. It's simple enough to enjoy making bad decisions, say "sorry" at the end, and get away with never having to feel pain. But this has been a total roller coaster ride for me, and so I also spend time considering how things can be great again in the future, as we were a great match for each other... So what do I need to do? How can I get over this? Pretty much by now I think she's lost all respect for you and will in the future probably do it again. You became her door mat and let her step all over you. Retain some dignity and say "thanks but no thanks". Accept her apologies but know that no matter how many sorrys she may have to say, her actions will always be there to contradict them. Learn to move on past this by telling her you're not ready to be in a relationship with her, and initiate NC.
g1976b Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Wow kd, I feel for ya man. I'm in a similar situation. My ex hasn't come back and I don't know details about what's going on right now but I do know she's going out on dates. Here's what gets me about these situations. Before she went out and did those things with the other guy, you KNEW it was unnecessary and would only cause more problems if/when you guys got back together. That's what I'm dealing with right now. I truly feel like this is a break, and it's necessary for both of us, but the issues with another man are ones that will make it VERY difficult for me to consider reconciliation. I had considered it earlier, but from your situation I've decided it's probably best for me not to ask or get into any details about what's going on with anyone she's dating. Not now, and not if we get back together. The only thing I can also say is that she's young. My ex is 23 as well so I think there's some maturity issues at work here. The bottom line is you need to figure out if you love her. This breakup has convinced me that all of the things I thought were "big" problems really aren't. I love her and want to be with her. For you, maybe this is a deal breaker. Only you know that. But before you make your decision, know that it's probably going to be your last chance. So if you think you love her and want a future with her, you owe it to yourself and your relationship to work through the pain in order to try to make things work. Good luck. At the end of the day, be thankful you have a choice. Many of us on here don't have that choice.
Author kd93117 Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 Hey papercut and GB... thank you both for taking the time to read my incredibly long post, and for your responses. Gosh, so, umm... where to start? Papercut: although I'm sure this comes off as sounding naive, but it was a good month to month and a half after our breakup before they became sexually involved... Like I said, she was hanging out with him a good bit in the meantime, so I don't think she left me explicitly for the purpose of sleeping with him. I call it a rebound because she said being with him made it easier to keep her mind off of me, and she never expected them to last. As for her decision to choose him despite my pleas, it wasn't to an attempt to spite me. She chose him simply because "he was there"... To get more to the heart of your point -- yes, she admits to being selfish, and that she said many of those things in hopes that I would continue to feel the same way about her. It's not that I don't think she meant what she said, because I believe she was entirely confused at the time. Not so much confused about the choices she was making with this guy (her choices were clear and obvious), but confused about how she felt about me. What means more to me at this point is that she's open about these decisions, and seems to be learning from them. I don't intend to disregard what you've said, and I'm certainly not eager to jump back into a relationship with her... but I can appreciate the fact that we are both still young and immature (relatively speaking), and that some people need direct experience to learn from before they are able to move forward. GB: I hear ya, man... and I feel great sympathy and empathy for your situation as well. To be honest, although I was pretty confident that she had sex with him before she ever told me, there was still that inkling feeling that provided hope that she couldn't possibly do such a thing to me... Now there is no doubt, and it doesn't help. It distracts me from the thing that I've felt so confident about all this time - that I love(d?) her. Now that there is distance between us, the time we spend apart yields painful memories and a rampant imagination. So, I don't know where to go from here. I suspect I won't for some time, but I need to try to remain level-headed about all this... this means that I can't haphazardly forgive her and jump back into things just because I feel like I love her, nor can I hold her lack of maturity and consideration against her forever and refuse to ever try... I suppose a good place to start is to try to decide if I still love her before I really attempt the struggle of getting past this. Thanks to you both, and by all means, keep the advice coming... It is both comforting and cautioning, and it's always good to know that somebody else has been there, regardless of the outcome.
Recommended Posts