City_girl Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 (edited) Hi everyone, hope that some of you would be good enough to give me your opinions, specially the guys perspective might be helpful. Ok here goes.... Met a guy he shows an interest. We exchange phone no's email etc gradually over a couple of weeks and see eachother in a group. I give huge green lights and he takes me up on it, kissing me....His actions are full on but he doesn't talk. I start to feel weirded out and make this known. I get nothing back!! He always wants me there but tells me what his plans are in a take it or leave it fashion. I continue to feel confused as the actions are all full on and affectionate. He keeps in regular contact but doesn't reassure me when I express concern about what exactly we are doing. I am open and honest. I say I want someone to love me. I want a real connection. he tells me he has decided to have a relationship with me!! After a few weeks we have been out in company and no one knows we are together. I don't get any attention, not a drink bought and he hooks up with me intermittently throughout the evening. he's sitting with women and looking , actually pointing out a woman to me , joking but I am not laughing. I am just crumbing by now with confusion. After 2 episodes of this, I tell him I want out. He talks me round and doesn't talk again ( open up ) after that...He does tell me that he has been told to take it easy with me, not be too full on. He tells me he is trying to take things slowly and not be too full on. He adds that he doesn't want to lead me on but always wants to see me when he's around. Offers to re arrange his plans to suit me too . I am breaking down by this point after 2 months of this, feel totally invalidated, alone and over emotional. He hasn't ever told me I am beautiful, pretty or even said that he likes me. Describes me as hot etc...He doesn't seem to kiss me on the lips which I find weird. he tells me he can't promise me anything. I feel that he's just not that into me . I tell him so, no response..... So we broke up. I ended it twice in a week and he stops calling for a while but asks me to stick around until he feels safe to open up to me. I said no!! He kept in contact, asked to meet eventually. I said no even though I wanted to. After 6 weeks apart and contact intermittently from both sides, he stopped contacting me at my request. I email him and tell him I miss him, he calls and we meet. I know, weird thing to do but I can't forget him and think of him .... Now we have met a couple of times in three days, he was sweet and loving but no talk of anything other than right now. He has gone away without texting me to say he was just leaving, something he would have done before. He did mention he was leaving tho the other day. There's a kind of distance if that makes sense? A distinct lack of keeness. I am very confused. He knows how I feel about him. Anyone know what's going on? Am I needy and over emotional? Have I downgraded myself from friends with benefits in the guise of a 'relationship' to just friends with benefits? I am thinking of saying to him that if he is not serious about me he should let me go.... We have known eachother since November, should he know by now? Edited March 8, 2008 by City_girl added
xpaperxcutx Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Have you reread your post? You're not needy or overemotional, what you should be is angry and livid at the guy who has done this to you. His actions says he's using you for sex, he doesn't care about how you feel about him, nor is he interested in anything else besides "hooking up". Sweetie, kick this man out of your life, you don't need him. He's what you call a narcissist, one who only cares about his wants and needs, and will never be aware of yours. To want a relationship with him is like wanting a relationship with a married man who will never divorce his wife. You should break all contact with him, or ese you'll always feel worthless when you know there's someone else out thre who will love you for you.
Author City_girl Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 Thank you xpaperxcutx, I have to say re reading what I have written is making me cringe. I broke it off because I saw all of what you just said. I had a boyfriend who died and told him this. I told him I am not ok with uncretainty because of this....I have told him I have lost my confidence.
carhill Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Next time try the green lights without the intercourse Encourage flirtation and affection and attention, but set a boundary on physicality. A quality man will take his time with you. I assume you want a long-term relationship. Kudo's to you for taking the initiative to end this relationship. Another door will open soon!
AussieJack Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 .. what you should be is angry and livid at the guy who has done this to you. His actions says he's using you for sex, he doesn't care about how you feel about him, nor is he interested in anything else besides "hooking quote] Anger is not justified here. He may be narcissistic or just 'a distant guy' so what ? He has not led her on or promised her anything so why should she be pissed. No Victim story here ! She MAY be miserable and upset -OK,, but that is largely because she stayed around a guy who was clearly NOT interested in drawing closer - Aussiejack's Rule #1.. " the greatest truth is in their behavior."
Author City_girl Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 Thank you both for your replies. I have decided to tell him that I want us just to be friends and not have a physical relationship. I never agreed to being a friend with benefits but clearly this man has no respect for women who put out and he has made his feelings, or rather lack of them crystal clear. I believed that he might feel something for me some day but tonight I realised probably not!! I can already hear the "I never made any promises" , "I never lied to you" speech ringing in my ears, it's all lined up ready for when he does meet the one. I do understand that this means slowly he will leave my life and if and when he does meet someone else I might have to witness it or feel it then but it seems better than the drama and hopes I had that he would fall for me. He's not a bad man, just a selfish man and my sleeping with him ruled me out as relationship material. I guess were not all as liberated as we like to believe. Who knows maybe I will find someone else first
Author City_girl Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 God, we were writing our posts at the same time Auzzie and you said the words I said he would say . You are right of course.... There's no victime here but what he is doing is cashing in on my affection for him to my detriment. I can see it and it's up to me to make sure it doesn't go on any longer. I want love and he wants sex, the difference is I have been honest....
Author City_girl Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 I have no idea what that last post meant? I have to say, I didn't sleep with him on the first night or anything like that. I just slept with him before I knew what he was looking for. I have no way of knowing if I hadn't would he be this way or not. But won't beat myself up over it. It was very much my call but i am 42 lol and he is 38, hardly children
Author City_girl Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 He has't contacted me for a whole day now even though since he came over he'd texted day and night until leaving for his weekend.. I texted him to say how is he? and that it wasn't like him to go away for a weekend without texting me. Three hours later, no reply though it delivered.... I guess I'm right, I seem to have been downgraded in his esteem even further than last time, he might even try to establish us as friends with benefits, am not sure. He could meet someone when he's away, after all he hasn't comitted to me...Am so dissapointed, thought that because he wanted me after six weeks apart it meant something. I can't keep feeling like this. Do I sound terribly needy and unatractive?
carhill Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Do I sound terribly needy and unatractive? Nope, and you'll sound even less so once you stop contacting him
Author City_girl Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 Thanks Carhill, glad I tried tho. Now I know for sure that I left him because i didn't want what he had to offer and not just that I was afraid to try because my boyfriend died and I was scared. No pain no gain I guess
carhill Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 When it's right (for you) you won't be scared nor have doubt about yourself or what "he has to offer". Remember, your attractiveness is within you and not dependent on others. The love is in the sharing. Book will be out next year
Author City_girl Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 (edited) Boy ohh boy, got a message just now saying he was busy and hadn't stopped. I am wondering if maybe I am not just being used but also was about to be played big time. How would I know that he didn't spend the weekend with a woman? He didn't text me till 11am our time this morning and not since friday afternoon....? Nahh, I may have been a pussy last time but I am worth more than this. I really feel like telling him just to **** off, in exactly those words. I have never said anything like that but I am furious at being used and being toyed with...What an ass? Ended and sorted, replied said it has been nice to catch up, back to reality this week and maybe do it again. Let him think he has what he wants, create no drama, do not feed his ego any more and never see him again. I honestly can't believe someone can treat someone like me this way. I was so sweet and loving to him Edited March 9, 2008 by City_girl
carhill Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 No worries. It happens. Even to guys Don't lose the "sweet and loving" part. That's an important part of you. Treat yourself to some sweet and loving TLC and move on. As noted by some prior posters, many men do put sex before love and their sincerity can be hard to gauge sometimes. Only you know which path (sex before love or the reverse) is right for you. Listen to the signals you receive and go from there. Compatibility is so important. If you find the path doesn't suit you, don't be afraid to make a change. One door closes and another opens.
Author City_girl Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 Absolutely, thanks for your imput carhill and everyone else. I felt like asking him to let me go if he wasn't serious about me but then realised I would just be handing over the power again, ditto if I say F*** off .I had feelings for him or I wouldn't have had sex with him. He knows this, hadn't been with a man for a year before him. This has never happened to me before... I am sad but I have taken back my power. I am no longer waiting for the phone to ring or wondering if he will fit me into his plans. I am no longer reacting in an emotional fashion and loosing my dignity. After missing him for 6 weeks I finally realized I really don't want a relationship like that. If I had been with him over the weekend I would have been as neglected in company with his freinds as I was with our mutual friends if what he said is correct and he didn't have the time to return my text. Of course I fully realise now that my instinct was right and he's just not that into me. This time round tho I know the problem lies with him and not with me, my looks or anything I might have done. I'm a good woman, it's kind of liberating to realise all of this and I don't regret the sex this week haha
Recommended Posts