4givrnt4gtr Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 So, a few days ago i was really irritated with my boyfriend about something. I even posted here how i was soo very done with him and wanted to break it off. I also vented with my friends about it, telling them i wanted it to end. They all listened, one told me to calm down and go talk to him before anything else. Well it all turned out well, we had a bit of miscommunication that ignited my anger (and even his...which i didnt know) but we were still able to talk about some issues in our relationship and things we both need to work on. ANyway, so i decided to stick it out and give him and me another chance. Once i told my friends, two of them were very glad we worked it out. THe one that told me to talk to him told me she truly believed he was a good guy, a bit clueless but good, and that i was making a good decision of trying to work thru a tough time instead of running away. However, another one told me I was bassically being foolish. That he would never change and that i was just trying to convince myself that it was going to work. When i told her yesterday we had worked it out, she asked me what i had asked him to change. I told her i couldnt/shouldnt ask him to change, but that i did ask him to be a bit more aware of certain things. She told me that that wasnt enough and that nothing in my relationship was gonna change. THen today she asks me if he has done anything different already. I was suprised cuz...well its only been two days...and i havent even seen him since. Ive talked to him, but not seen him. She said that if he truly wanted to make it work, he would have done something already. I was irritated by what she was saying, it didnt seem logical or even fair to him. Her argument was that she had been in a relationship "just like" mine, where her ex wouldnt take her out as much as she'd like. She had asked him to change, but he never did...so she dumped him....and that if he hadnt been willing to change for her, no man will ever be willing to change or make extra efforts for anyone. SO...here's my issue...first, i feel i am right about giving him the chance and the time to prove to me that he listened to what i need. However, i hate the fact that when im trying to tell her this, I feel like im justifying him and rationalizing..... This brings me to my second issue... Is it really a good idea to vent with your friends about your bf when your mad?? Im starting to think its not. Namely cuz when u are mad, you say things you dont mean, and even exaggerate the transgressions to make a point. However, once you've calmed down, when you try to get it back, people will see it as you're rationalising and making excuses for the other person. Another reason is because its quite inevitable that friend's experience will lead them to believe (as it does with my friend) that they know EXACTLY what is happening...but in reality only you and the other person know....so...i dont know... what do you guys think???
xpaperxcutx Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Venting out to your friends does have its upside. Depending on how long you guys have been friends, they're familiar with your traits, your likes/dislikes, and are even accustomed your emotional ups and downs. So when you vented to your friends, they're very supportive of you and would often than not give advices that you would no doubt take to heart. On the other hand, friends are very critical sometimes, because they are your friends, there is nothing that limits them from speaking the absolute truth about their opinions on the matter. They're straightforward, but you can't blame them for wanting what's best for you. In the case of your friend, I think she just holds some resentment for her ex, which in no way reflects on your relationship whatsoever. Her experience has only given her some one sided opinions on why "if men don't change, then they're not worth the effort". You can take her advice, but notice, that she dumped her ex before he was giving the chance to "change". Which in your case, you're willing to give your bf the "chance". Sometimes its okay to take people's advice, but not literally follow up on it.
tanbark813 Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 I don't think venting to friends is necessarily a bad thing. And your friend who doesn't support your decision to stay with your bf just sounds like a bitch.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Wow...good lord...so i aimed my friend telling her how Ive read the following passage. [FONT=Arial]"Of course we continue learning, our values can shift, and our lives can change with new jobs, illness, or a move to a new place. But one of the main keys to loving relationships is respecting the other person, who she is, and not trying to change her to suit our needs or wishes"[/FONT] [FONT=Arial][/FONT] [FONT=Arial]and how reading this it makes me think....if you really cant be with the person you are with unless he changes who he is....then that person is definitely not for you. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial][/FONT] [FONT=Arial]She responded really upset with "[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]whatever[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]that website is bs to me,[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]look you know ur relationship best.. im just an outsider making an opinion... but alls i know is that you're changing for him... you're adjusting your desires for him... but thats just perspective on things.. i wont say anymore" [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Im not sure why she says that im changing for him....as far as I know I still am who ive always been. I just realize he isnt perfect and I had the choice of going after the idea of a perfect relationship, or staying in this one and working on what i have for as long as I still care, liked and respect this guy. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Am i wrong about this??? [/FONT]
Star Gazer Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Venting to friends about your relationship is a Catch 22. There's an obvious benefit of discussing relationship issues with your nearest and dearest: they know the real you, know what makes you tick, what you deserve, and most importantly, have your best interests at heart. Thing is, if you're anything like me, you're not a gloater about all the good stuff in your relationship. As a result, all your friends end up hearing between periods of, "We're good," is a lot of b*tching and moaning about what the dude is doing wrong or how bad you feel. The picture that we end up painting for our friends eventually isn't a pretty one, and they end up doing and saying anything to get you to end what they think is an unhealthy/unhappy relationship. I even see it happening here. I don't come on to LS to start threads about how lovely the guy I'm dating at the time is, or to gloat about all the wonderful things he does for me, etc. Instead, I come here for advice when something happens, no matter how trivial, that irks or concerns me. The end result is that all anyone ever sees is me living one unhappy relationship after another (well, that's true), and not being able to recognize ANY of the good qualities that make it hard to move on. Does that make sense? So I try to balance what I share with my friends. I try to share more of the good stuff and vent only about the bad stuff that I really, truly think might become big problems (which hopefully is few and far between). To be perfectly honest, when I need serious, true, honest, credible guidance - I actually DON'T ask my close friends. Weird? Perhaps. But I need an objective viewpoint from someone who I don't know-know personally, who isn't invested in our friendship, who generally doesn't care about what I end up deciding to do. That's why I have a therapist and come here!
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 The question is: why does what your friend says bother you so much? I would say that you sense some truth at what she says and that makes you uncomfortable. I think that you are glossing over some things in your relationship and convincing yourself that things are better than they really are.
Star Gazer Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 look you know ur relationship best.. im just an outsider making an opinion... but alls i know is that you're changing for him... you're adjusting your desires for him... but thats just perspective on things.. i wont say anymore She IS just an outsider. Buuuuuttttt, ya gotta admit it's a LOT easier to see what's wrong from the outside, and it's a lot easier to identify change in a friend than it is for them to see it themselves (generally speaking, of course). My BFF said she wasn't sure she ever wanted children, would never change her name after getting married, and was generally a very stubborn, selfish person. Now she's desperate to get pregnant, changed her last name, and lets him walk all over her to her detriment. She thinks she's just realizing that "relationships aren't perfect" (no sh*t), but to those of us on the outside, it's very clear that she HAS changed her needs and wants. Whether it's to her benefit or not...well, that's not for me to decide. Perhaps your friend is simply trying to point out something she thinks you're not able to see for yourself so that you can make your decisions based on ALL the information, not just a chosen select set of information that fits into the mould you want it to.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 The question is: why does what your friend says bother you so much? I would say that you sense some truth at what she says and that makes you uncomfortable. I think that you are glossing over some things in your relationship and convincing yourself that things are better than they really are. hm...well let me have a serious, honest look at that question. I guess...ok regarding my relationship...ive always wanted a movie type, fall head over heels, everything is perfect, he is perfect, type of relationship. Obviously....never been in one...so this relationship has opened my eyes to what a real relationship is like, with a real person, who has a very different culture, with different expectations. Before, I always cut it short when i started feeling that it wasnt gonna be a movie like relationship. But after about 4 relationships that failed after three months I started taking a hard look at why. So...i started reading, and asking more grown up people about what a relationship entailed. Many of you have read some of my posts, where im freaking out about something, only to have most of you tell me, it happens...welcome to the world of grown up relationships. Ive also read in books and other things like that what to expect and most importantly to realize we are all human. So having all that ive revised some of my expectations. Now i know that the fact that my bf wants some time for himself doesnt mean he doesnt love me. Or that he isnt calling me every night to talk for hours doesnt mean he isnt thinking about me. Ive also realized I have to see who he is and see if those things that I dont like, I can live with....so far, sure they might be a bit annoying, but overall, he is a good, sweet guy. Its taking me a loooot of time, and energy to realize all this....so when a close friend comes and tells me all these things ive learned are wrong...it first, frustrates me...then scares me...cuz although im pretty certain that what ive learned is right...it has also been the case that Ive dated guys whom others have seen as not good enough for me, but i was certain they were good...and turns out, others were right. Having said that....of all my friends she is the only one who has this opinion....so....yeah. If she is right..well ill figure it out sooner or later...but i guess her tone and her attitude bothered me too
BUENG1 Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 hm...well let me have a serious, honest look at that question. I guess...ok regarding my relationship...ive always wanted a movie type, fall head over heels, everything is perfect, he is perfect, type of relationship. Obviously....never been in one...so this relationship has opened my eyes to what a real relationship is like, with a real person, who has a very different culture, with different expectations. Before, I always cut it short when i started feeling that it wasnt gonna be a movie like relationship. But after about 4 relationships that failed after three months I started taking a hard look at why. So...i started reading, and asking more grown up people about what a relationship entailed. Many of you have read some of my posts, where im freaking out about something, only to have most of you tell me, it happens...welcome to the world of grown up relationships. Ive also read in books and other things like that what to expect and most importantly to realize we are all human. So having all that ive revised some of my expectations. Now i know that the fact that my bf wants some time for himself doesnt mean he doesnt love me. Or that he isnt calling me every night to talk for hours doesnt mean he isnt thinking about me. Ive also realized I have to see who he is and see if those things that I dont like, I can live with....so far, sure they might be a bit annoying, but overall, he is a good, sweet guy. Its taking me a loooot of time, and energy to realize all this....so when a close friend comes and tells me all these things ive learned are wrong...it first, frustrates me...then scares me...cuz although im pretty certain that what ive learned is right...it has also been the case that Ive dated guys whom others have seen as not good enough for me, but i was certain they were good...and turns out, others were right. Having said that....of all my friends she is the only one who has this opinion....so....yeah. If she is right..well ill figure it out sooner or later...but i guess her tone and her attitude bothered me too Id say there's really nothing wrong with it, but if he has to deal with them/hang out with them it might cause some problems if your friends develop a low opinion of him.
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