Author General Jack Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 But it really goes against her nature, which again is very strange because her mom and sister are both very sexual people. that's an interesting comment. Do you think subconsciously she's chosen not to express herself that way so she can be different/stand apart from them? I don't know... her mom is a very respectful "southern lady" who also gives off an aura of being frisky. He sister, is, well, experienced shall we say. I know my wife has issues with her sisters promiscuity, but her sister is 5 years younger... But she loves and respects them both. I think my wife is just high strung.
Mustang Sally Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Some very good points there... particularly on figuring out how I can make her discover how to make sex more enjoyable for herself. Well, if you figure this out, please let us all know! If you could bottle that (how to get a low-libido spouse to open up and start getting over the issue) and sell it, you'd make a f*cking MINT and there would be many people here on LS who'd be at the front of the line... I guess my point is that - for me (and I've said this in other threads on this site) - there wasn't really anything my husband could have done to "snap me out of it." I have to admit. I just had some pretty stinkin' thinkin' about the whole thing. I tend to be an obstinate type of person, at times. It took me just really getting FED-the-hell-UP with not having reliable enough orgasms, and not feeling satisfied enough with the entire aspect of that part of marital life, as a whole. I remember thinking to myself, "THIS is it? I have to spend the rest of my days with this kind of one-sided sex life?" (I have to admit that I still occasionally slip back into this poor outlook on our sex life - our sex life still is not what I wish it would be. But this is no longer secondary to any repressive approach I might have to it...) IMO, about all you can do as a husband is encourage your wife to explore and regain her sexual self - without pressure of a lot of expectations - at least in the beginning. And definitely communicate to her how important it is to you that you two develop and grow this aspect of your marriage. That can be a tricky thing to communicate without her interpreting it as "all Jack wants is sex, sex, SEX," as in feeling objectified as I alluded to earlier. But, with true open communication, and a willingness to work this out with you on her part, it can be done. And the last part... I agree. And I'm 32, still fairly young, but not really young. Wise enough to know that you live once and should be happy in life, while keeping those who love you happy at the same time. And scared that I could waste the next several years of my prime unhappy if something doesn't change. I completely understand what you are saying. In my experience (take that with a load of salt, of course), this is more likely about a marriage rut and people who have become complacent in their marriage than about TRUE incompatibility. But. Your mileage may vary.
angie2443 Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 More good comments and thank you. Now I must vent more, but this could be good, therapeutic. Massages to my wife are only valid if they end as a massage. Otherwise, it would be considered foreplay. My wife doesn't like foreplay. Sex is get in, get out, glad its over. At least she finally stopped saying "lets get this over with." When I slap her on the rear end, I'm being disrespectful or crass. I tell her some women would love to have their husband make an overt sexual gesture ( I know some personally), but that doesn't get me anywhere. I understand she wants romance and thats fine... but it has to be inspired. I used to be a hopeless romantic, but now I'd rather go to the dentist than have to compose poetry for her. I missed this earliar. It sounds like your wife has some built up resentment in her. I could be wrong, but if she's said "lets get this over with", then she's proably very angry/hurt over something. Imo, nothing is going to move forward untill you get to the bottem of this. The bottem line is, if you want it to work, you'll find a way. If you don't, and are looking for a way out, then all the advice given to you here is wasted.
smartgirl Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Jack, Don't assume that your wife can't/won't change. My H assumed that too and that sense of futility is partly what made him ripe for an affair. He said afterwards that he had no idea that I would be willing to make so many changes for him. The key was in him helping me to understand that some of the things I was doing made him feel sad and unloved. I never wanted that and I never dreamed I was making him feel that way. Any attempts he had made at expressing dissatisfactions before the MC and reading were more in the form of one-sided criticism. I already felt like I was doing so much, killing myself and totally unappreciated that his negative comments just made me feel worse and angry. Talk about feeling unloved! It is important to note, that it took some of this work for my H to be able to understand in his own mind what had really been bothering him. Not the superficial aspects but the emotional needs and wants part. This is key because when you understand the real nature of the problem, you can be more open minded about potential solutions. Most people focus on what the other person is or isn't doing and decide that is the problem and the solution is then a series of changes the other person must make. Sometimes the first person that has to change is you.
annieo Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 OK something just occurred to me. Is is reasonable to expect to feel a "new love high" when you have been with someone for years? LTRs will have their ebbs and flows, but that chemical thing that happens at the beginning of a relationship (which nature gave us so we'd bond long enough to create and raise children), I think it might be a one-time deal. On the other hand, it is possible to have something even better, which is that feeling of closeness, intimacy and deep gratitude, that can only come when you know someone really, really well.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 It won't ever be the same feeling as it was in the beginning when everything was new and exciting. BUT, it can feel just as good, only in a different and secure way. Sex only gets better when you know what your partner likes and how to make them scream in bed!
tommyr Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 General Jack, speaking from my own experience I can say it definitely is possible to get that new love high back. I have been married 12 years and the past 9 months have been (mostly) our best ever. There is a warmth and intimacy between us much like our early dating days. Here is a tip for Saturday morning: get up a bit early and brew some fresh coffee. (If the kids get up early, then set them up with some cereal and cartoons). Take 2 coffees, 2 bagels and a newspaper and jump back into bed with your wife. If possible wear just boxers or totally nude. Spend the next 45 minutes just hanging out and discussing plans for the day. While this time is really about building intimacy, believe me that over time the intimacy will also improve your sexlife.
smartgirl Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I've gone back through the thread and see more now of your W's sex issues. She does have issues. Everyone won't be into the slapping (I would love it, H not into it apparently) but she seems to have a lot of trouble letting go. She has picked up some hang ups along the way and there could be something really big that she has never faced. I love having sex, but have battled over the years occasional problems with being able to "be present," relax, feeling performance anxiety (if I can't orgasm like women are "supposed to" I want to move on quickly before I begin to feel anxious that I am holding him up and making him anxious. You get the picture. I'm a classic type-A, over acheiver, daddy pleaser woman. Makes you feel like you have to orgasm like a porn queen or you just take yourself out of the competition by making him orgasm as quick as you can. My H said he didn't believe women could feel performance anxiety and I told him that Cosmo had done far more damage than good for women in that regard. I've considered seeing a sex therapist. Heard they can actually be quite good. Would your W consider?
PlentyLV007 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 My bofriend is acting this way with me...My story is long... I would suggest that you try working out and see if that gives you more motivation and intimacy. Pay attention to her, do those little things you use to do for her. How were you towards her when you first met? Take it back...be that man you were when you wanted her...
nadiaj2727 Posted March 10, 2008 Posted March 10, 2008 I would recommend honestly communicating, which is hard and will probably seem scary at first. Find a way to tell your wife exactly what is missing in your marriage: don't just say "sex" but be specific: sex that lasts an hour? Sex every night? Sex that is more passionate? Sex in different positions? Etc. This doesn't mean you are making "demands" on her that she has to give into or not. It just shows her what you want specifically. She can tell you if she is comfortable with your suggestions and if she wants to try to implement some. She will probably have some suggestions for you -- listening to her and actually paying attention when she talks about something, giving her a little shoulder massage, telling her what you appreciate, etc. This is generalized based on gender, because you expressed a desire for more sex, and typically men want more sex and women want more intimacy and attention. A good relationship has both, hand in hand. If you find that you have problems talking with her, I would recommend marital counseling. Just say what you said on here to us to her and say "I would really like to find out some new ways to get our spark back." A marriage counselor can give you guys tools to help you determine what each of you think could be better about the marriage, and tools to improve those areas -- as well as tools to communicate better. Communicating about sex is very important and will lead to being able to communicate about other things too. I recommend the book Hot Monogamy by Dr. Patricia Love. It's very insightful and helpful. Really try to communicate and put your needs out there to her. I think you will both find that you feel closer to each other and more excited about the relationship, because a part of it will be more raw and open and fresh. Good luck. I admire you for realizing that something is a little wrong in your marriage and wanting to fix it.
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