Need on whether to take a break or not.....(long...I apologize)

[touchthesky]

This is a pretty long story so I will try to make is short and to the point....

 

Rewind to March of 2007. The boyfriend is out of the country for work and things at work hit rock bottom. I stressed myself out to the point of exhaustion. I wasn't sleeping at night and dropped 10lbs in 2 weeks. Went to the doctor and she said I may be clinically depressed. Not surprising since it runs in my family. Boyfriend comes back from work, takes one look at me and tells me to quit the job right away for my own health and just relax for awhile. I take his and my sister's advice and leave the job with both of them promising that if money got tight they would help me out and not to worry.

 

3 months later I find a job that I love and am now back on my feet. I feel confident, happy, and secure. Things with mom are finally going well and I am doing my best to get better!! Of course the other shoe drops though. Last weekend I ask the boyfriend if he would like to go out to eat. Boyfriend says "Fine but you drive". I said "Oh my car didn't start this morning so I think it needs a jumpstart." He says "Then you pay for the meal." which is usually not a problem for me but that week I was broke! I said well I can pay for me but I won't be able to pay for you. Is that ok? He blows up at me and says for the past months he's been paying for me when we go out (he made it sound like we go out all the time but when I thought about he was really referring to a maximum of 10 dinners in the time span when I was out of the job). He then starts questioning what I do with my money every week and where all my money goes. I got very offended and it became a huge argument. Things have calmed down quite a bit but now I am so turned off by him because of his comments. He has made comments in the past about money and this isn't the first time we've fought over money. I understand that he likes to save and there is nothing wrong with that. For Christmas this issue came up again. I love to splurge on the ones I love during Christmas....it just makes me extremely happy. He started to question why I was buying things that were so expensive and I said "Oh don't worry...if you can't afford it I'll just put your name on the gift anyway..no big deal." He says no he doesn't want that and he wants to split it half and half. We get into this huge fight about money but manage to work through it. But then this last time, I just felt horrible about myself. I don't make a lot of money but certainly enough to be happy. I know he makes much more money than I do and I guess I assumed he would be generous with his money like I am. I shouldn't have done that and I apologized to him....

 

Now everything in the relationship feels different and I know it's partly my fault. I feel guarded and hurt. I tried to bring up couples counseling but he didn't want to do it. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him because I am so turned off by this behavior. We are always on edge around each other now and I'm not sure what to do. I'm considering asking him for a break so we can sort out these feelings of resentment towards each other (we currently live together) and so we won't be at each other's throats all the time. I want to make this work and get back the spark but now I am carrying around all this resentment....

 

Any advice?? (I'm sorry this is so long!)

[btc8]

Money issues are a big thing with anyone, but money can become an even bigger issue when you are living with someone. Certainly, it sounds like your boyfriend is having some issues with the fact that you are back on your feet again and making money. He probably feels as though he should be entitled to some share of the money you are now making because he helped you come out of your depression (and, I assumed, payed for a lot of things). He took care of you because he loved you, obviously, but now he probably feels like he should be compensated in some fiduciary way. There's no concrete answer, but I think he may be just confused and irritated because he feels like you may be spending money too frivolously. For some time he was the man of the house--the provider for you when you were depressed. Now he may feel a bit out of place because you're making money again. That may seem like a stretch, but you need to let him know that it's your money, and you earned it, and as long as you are putting the money towards your priorities (payment for the house/rent, groceries, bills, whatever), he should have no issue whatsoever with it. It's your money. You earned it. It's no business of his to allocate your budget. You are an independent woman, and you have overcome a major bout with depression. I know that independent woman thing sounds trite, but you don't deserve to have him snap at you like that.

 

He may be feeling like he's not being reciprocated in the money department. Sometimes people who provide tend to get burned out from time to time.

 

Are you ready to take a break? Have you asked him if wants to take one? You should ask him and see what he says. Respect whatever answer he gives you though. If wants one, then allow it. If he doesn't, then know that he may just a bit moody now, and tell him that you really, really appreciate (I am sure you already do) that he helped you out when it got rough. Offer the same to him.

 

See what happens. (Sorry about the long reply )