needsadvice Posted July 6, 2003 Posted July 6, 2003 Ten days ago, my girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me. I love her very much and don't know what to do. Reading the posts on this forum has been a comfort, so I wanted to see what advice anyone could offer me. During the first five months we were together, we had a very loving relationship. She was the first to tell me she loved me. She would get me little presents and was very affectionate. We spoke every day and by month 4, we would see each other 4 or 5 times a week, and one of us would sleep over most of those times. She said I was the best man she'd ever known. I had met her parents and she had met mine. I knew that she had broken up with a serious boyfriend about three months before we met. They were together about 6 years. They had broken up twice before the last time - she thought he had cheated on her and what from she told me, he seemed to have mistreated her. He had moved to another state. In month 5, she tells me her ex is moving back into town. Practically the day he arrived back in town, he goes to see her and spills his heart to her. He says he has been suffering without her and promises to change and wants her back. When she tells me this, I say it is probably not the best thing for her to see him if he wants to get over her. She seems to agree and says the ex had agreed to move on. I never demanded that she stop seeing him or otherwise acted jealous. Over the next couple of weeks, my GF seemed different. She seemed withdrawn. We still spoke everyday, but she stopped emailing me like she used to. I asked her what was going on with her ex because she hadn't mentioned him since his arrival. She admitted that he had still been emailing and calling her and had actually visited a couple times. This she never told me. She said I offered her things he never could, and that her feelings for me hadn't changed, but that she was confused as she still had feelings for her ex. Two weeks later, we went on a trip abroad to a wedding of a friend of hers. I had planned some romantic things for the two of us to do for the couple of days following the wedding. Once we arrived, she was a little affectionate, but I got a funny vibe from her, as if she didn't want me there. After the wedding, she said she didn't want to do the romantic things we had planned and instead wanted us to spend time with her other friends who were there. We fought about this and for the remainder of the trip she barely spoke to me and was no longer affectionate at all. When we got back home, we didn't speak for a couple of days. She then came over and she said was confused, was feeling all this pressure (from this and from school) and just needed to be away. She said the wedding reminded her of how she almost married her ex. She apologized for her behavior on the trip. She said let's talk in a few days. A few days went by and she said she needed to study and couldn't meet to talk, but that she would call. She never called. This pattern repeated itself over the next couple of weeks. She would say she would come over and then she wouldn't show, wouldn't call, and I wouldn't hear from her for a couple of days. One time, I went over to her place to meet as agreed and she wasn't even home! The final straw was when she suggested we meet on a Monday. I called her to say I was coming over, got her voice mail and didn't hear from her until I checked my email four hours later and she had written me to say she was studying and couldn't meet Monday! I put up with all this because she was stressed out by school and I didn't want to pressure her any more. However, the uncertainty of our situation was killing me inside. Eventually, I got her to meet me. I wanted to tell her how badly she had been treating me and that it had to stop, but before I could, she told me she couldn't be in a relationship with me anymore. She cited the pressure again and how she felt anxious all the time. She said she didn't understand how she could be with such a great person and still feel confused. She said her feelings for me had been immense, but they had changed. She said she still had feelings for her ex and that it was hard to tell someone she had been so close to to get out of her life. I asked if she was going back to her ex. She said she couldn't say, but that she wanted to be alone and focus on school. This discussion took place the day before my birthday. I didn't argue with what she said - I just took it all in and said I loved her a lot and would support her. She said we could talk some more if I wanted. On my birthday, she called and left me a message wishing me a happy birthday and said she was thinking of me. I didn't get a card or a present. We have had no contact since. I miss her terribly and don't know what to do. She treated me badly the last few weeks, but this was totally out of character. I don't know if it was the stress or what. I feel like maybe I treated her too well and she took me for granted - I would buy her presents and always paid for dinner, complimented her, etc. Maybe I stopped being a challenge for her and she got bored. Her birthday is in a few weeks. I was going to send her a card, but otherwise have no plans to contact her. As hard as it is for me, if she wants her space, she can have it. I am miserable. I think about her constantly and can't sleep and have no appetite. I want her back, but don't know what to do. Any advice?
yagottahelp Posted July 6, 2003 Posted July 6, 2003 Join the space club-let her know how much you love her, and other than that, there's nothing you can do- i bet, and i don't know, she still isn't over the ex. Or at least she needs some time alone to know if she is or not. I'm not saying date anyone else, but get yourself into a state of mind where you can live without her.
Dave7777 Posted July 6, 2003 Posted July 6, 2003 Yea, welcome to the "space club". You and I have very similar situations (see my thread). You've handled a very tough situation exactly as I would have, you've been very strong and extremely mature. I know exactly what you're going through, you really have to put your own emotions asside for the good of the girl you love, and your relationship with her. I suggest you enter the state of mind that I'm currently in. Simply realize that you've personally given 110% into the relationship and done all you can. At this time, it's up to her to take it or leave it. If she comes to the realization that you're not an ass to her like her ex was, and you truely do love her, then she'll come back. If not, you wouldn't want to be with her anyway. But of course, the worst part of it is waiting ...knowing there's nothing much that you can do now but wait for her. Yes, it does hurt. I'm on my 3rd day waiting, and this is the worst thing I've ever gone through in my entire life. I'm sure you're familiar with that stomach knot that never goes away. Yesterday I started taking St. John's Wort to try to life my spirits, I hope it helps. Best of luck. -Dave
dejadudu Posted July 6, 2003 Posted July 6, 2003 I also had a similar situation to yours. You put up with a lot coming from her and then, just when you decide enough is enough, she meets you to tell you its over...on her terms the whole ride. A girl friend of mine told me that in this situation, from the viewpoint of the dumpee, the dumper holds all the cards. Extending that metaphor, you need to start playing your own game right now, this moment. Even if its solitare, its still your game, your life. The point is, she may never come back and you need to deal with that probability. The kicker is that even if she does, these events could indicate a fatal flaw in the relationship. Your best bet is to keep moving forward and let her convince you that what happened was a mistake. No woman respects a man who is pining away for what he lost. Finally, all relationships, no matter how great for how long, are in jepordy to some degree. This is just because people are only human.
Funk Monkey Posted July 7, 2003 Posted July 7, 2003 Ah, the returning ex-boyfriend. Always a choker. It's happening to me as well. My best advice is simply play it cool. You have done all you can to convince her that you love her and that you will be there for her. There is nothing more you can say. Putting pressure on her and pining after her will only drive her away more, even back into his arms. If you wrestle back control of the situation for yourself, and she realises that you have the ability to move on and be without her, she really will start to think. Once she realises that you might not be around anymore, she will start thinking about what you had together. Right now, she is safe in the knowledge that she can pick and choose between her ex and yourself. Be cool, keep your distance and keep your integrity. She will soon start making proper decisions. And if she goes back with him, don't beat yourself up about it. Some girls are blind to what they have. If you set love free and it doesn't come back to you, it was never yours to own in the first place. You can control this situation, and then you will feel a whole lot better because the perspective will change. Good luck, my friend. Let us know how it pans out. Funk Monkey
Author needsadvice Posted July 7, 2003 Author Posted July 7, 2003 Thank you so much for all your words of advice/encouragement: yagottahelp: Yes, I think the ex is what led to this current situation. She actually told me as much when we last spoke - she said everything would have been fine if he hadn't come back. I also asked her if there were problems in our relationship, but she said there were none. I can't believe that because if things were so great with us, then why would she have been tempted by this guy who didn't treat that well? I worry that I am not in the space club, but that in fact she has given up on me. Funk Monkey, dejadudu and Dave7777: It is frustrating to think that I have to step out of her life, while the ex now gets unfettered access to work on her. But I see your points that it is up to her now and my pressuring her isn't going to help. Dave7777: yes, that stomach knot has been my constant companion. I wish you all the best on the 15th.
ThisGirlNameKD Posted July 7, 2003 Posted July 7, 2003 The attachment you have for someone you've been with 6 years is much stronger than the attachment you have for someone you've been with for 6 months, especially when the space in between both relationships was only 3 months. Did you really think that in 3 months after being with someone 6 years, that she was totally over this guy? Just because he mistreated her, and they broke up, it didn't mean she no longer had any feelings for him. With him being out of sight, it certainly may have made it seem like she was completely over him, but as soon as he came back, all of those feelings did too. She was right in leaving you alone if she was confuse. You don't deserve that. You deserve 100%. After all, that's what you're putting out. The only problem with this is that she never should have gotten involved with you in the first place, but should have taken more time out after the break up.
slickmik Posted July 7, 2003 Posted July 7, 2003 In order not to repeat the great advice that has already been given in this thread, let me just say this. I broke up in February with my girlfriend...2 days before our 5 year anniversary. Im sure anyone who has been through a breakup after a long relationship can understand how painful it can be, the pain I have delt with. My words to you are, live life. Do things for you...do not allow yourself to become obsessed with losing your ex or with what shes doing now or who she may be with. It will only lead to more pain and frustration on your part. Its only been 5 months since we broke up and I can comfortably say that I am moving on, that I am living life and that I am happy. If I can say that after having been with someone for 5 years, I know that you can do it. Sure it still hurts, it always hurts. There's always something there emotionally that you cannot replace. But you must not allow it to hinder your progress throughout life. The one thing I keep telling myself which played a big part in my breakup is, you have to live life for yourself and be able to find happiness on your own before you can truly be happy with one partner for the rest of your life. That is what I am searching for now and whether I get back with my ex or I find someone new, I know that I won't be living my life for someone else...and that my life will be a fulfilling one that I can share with another in pursuit of true happiness.
Author needsadvice Posted July 7, 2003 Author Posted July 7, 2003 ThisGirlNameKD: You're right. I didn't expect her not to have feelings for the guy - it probably would have been strange for her to have no feelings for someone she spent so much time with. I am just frustrated - it seems to me that he was jealous she had found someone and he didn't and so that's why he wanted her back. He then messed with her head by making all these promises to change and by making her feel guilty. Her confusion was inevitable, it seems. I wish I could point this out to her, but it would sound suspect coming from me. slickmik: great advice - I just wish I had more time under my belt already. Hopefully, I can start to focus on something other than this situation.
A wanderer Posted July 8, 2003 Posted July 8, 2003 look my point of veiw here is if she is low enough to fall for this guy when he comes crawling back to her she's a lost cause i know that not what you wanna here right now i know i wouldn't but it's true
Author needsadvice Posted July 8, 2003 Author Posted July 8, 2003 A wanderer: If it's true, then I should hear whether I want to or not. Thanks. I had been resolved to give her her space, but am now having doubts. More time away from her is warranted, but I feel like I'm giving up on her without a fight. Our last talk together, I mainly just listened to her say what she felt. I couldn't really argue with her feelings, so I didn't say much. As I said before, she called me on my birthday, but I never called back. I wonder if she assumes I was pissed at her for breaking up before my birthday and now is too embarrassed or afraid to call me back, so she is just leaving the ball in my court. If I wait another month to contact her, maybe she will think I don't care anymore. In the meantime, the ex is continuin his big push for her. I am afraid the comparison will be (A) a six month relationship with a guy who isn't willing to fight for me (he gave up without a fight) vs. (B) a six year relationship with a guy who fought for me even though I was with someone else. I worry that the result of that comparison will be: I was meant to be with (B) because despite all his flaws, he is the one who cares. I am really confused - for every sensible position, there seems to be an opposing position that could make just as much sense. I definitely don't want to pressure her, but I don't want to appear to be apathetic either.
Author needsadvice Posted August 14, 2003 Author Posted August 14, 2003 I figured I would send in an update: I was able to go almost four weeks without any contact. I eventually emailed her and said I'd like to get together to talk. She wrote back and said sure, but could we wait until after her midterms. I said no problem, but I was annoyed because it would have been only an hour of her time. Howver, I didn't want to pressure her. Well, her midterms came and went and I never called to contact her. I had figured the ball was in my court. However,she eventually emailed me to say that she hadn't forgotten about me and wanted to get together, but now wanted to do it after her finals. I again said no problem. After her finals, she emailed me and said she might be free that night. I let her know that I could only come by late. She never responded. I came by later and saw she was home. I then discovered that her old boyfriend had apparently now moved in with her (his name was on the mailbox). I thought this was kind of quick. I haven't heard from her since. Yesterday, I was laid off (corporate reorganization), so this has been a really crappy summer. It makes the breakup feel worse, cause I could really have used her support right now. However, I know that's a fantasy and I have other friends/family to rely on. I have tried to move on and went on my first date the other week. I kept comparing the other woman to my ex, which I know is stupid, but I couldn't help it - I still miss her. Though I'm not sure what I'm missing, since she didn't seem to be the person I thought she was. Just curious: has anyone ever been the rebound relationship, lost your girlfriend to an ex and then had that girlfriend come back to you?
LondonChick Posted August 17, 2003 Posted August 17, 2003 I sat reading your last entry with my mouth open. I am very sorry about the outcome, but at least you know you HAVE to move on. I am a bit concerned about the fact you have started dating, I feel you are not ready to do that. You may end up doing to someone else what your ex did to you.
Author needsadvice Posted August 18, 2003 Author Posted August 18, 2003 LondonChick, I have been thinking about this as well and you're right I think - I don't think I am ready to date. But when will I be ready? I imagine it would be when I am alone and yet still not think of my ex. The catch here is that meeting (i.e. dating) other women feels like it would speed up my recovery.
LondonChick Posted August 18, 2003 Posted August 18, 2003 Dating others wont speed up your recovery, I tried that and all I could think of was my ex. And if you think about you are (unintentionally) kinda using these women. I myself have recently ended a relationship and I doubt I will be ready to date until next year! For the time being I have spending loads of time with my friends and family. I also have been taking time out with myself, reading, writing my feelings down, being very self indulgent.
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