Laurenwho Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Hello all, new here, been dating my guy for the last six years. Yes, thats right, six years. He wants to get married this fall. We have not planned anything yet because of problems I am having with our relationship. He is a workaholic- works two jobs so I rarely see him. We live together (we moved in together four years ago so we could see eachother more) We've been engaged for about a year. When we started dating he had a lot of time for me, would drive an hour a day to come see me after he worked both jobs. he would then spend a couple of hours with me and then go home. When we started living together he would be home by 9pm so I'd see him for about two hours before I went to bed. We had a great sex life, went on vacations three times a year, and we didn't have many problems. Now however I feel like he is taking me for granted and our time together becomes less and less. In a typical week I see him about a half hour a day. Yes that is it!! He works later and later each year and now he doesnt' get home till 10:30 and I go to bed at 11. I try to stay up later but it affects me at work because I will be very tired if I don't get enough sleep (have to work at 7am) For the last 3 years I have brought up that we need to spend more time together and he always promises to do something about it and rarely follows through. Or he will do what he said for a few weeks and then quit. And I feel I am always nagging at him to spend more time with me and no one wants that. ALL of my friends are married so I don't have many to hang out with (except as couples and its not fun being a third wheel.) For example, my friend is having a huge birthday party at a bar this weekend and I can go by myself because my fiance has to work but it won't be much fun cause everyone else will be coupled up. He won't get off work early to go to this party even though its his friend too. Really, anymore the only friends he has are the guys he works with. he doesn't even know who he will ask to be the best man if we get married. He won't cut back on work- together we make decent money- more than enough to make the house payment, car payments etc. He makes minimum wage at his first job, it is more of a hobby than anything. So he really doesn't need that job at all. But he refuses to give it up because he likes it so much. It has gotten to the point that we have sex only once a week and I'm not really interested because it feels like he is a stranger who I never see. He does spend saturdays with me but normally he is busy on those days too because he wants to do things around the house (I try to keep the house clean so he has no duties but he will want to do handyman projects that I can't do. I used to try helping him with that stuff but I got in his way more than anything. And then on saturday he is normally so tired from working two jobs all week, all he wants to do is lay around and watch the television. He now hates going on vacation and complains if I schedule anything. He says he wants to have a family someday and he will cut back on working. But I want him to do so now. After our last talk he told me I am too demanding and trying to control him. NO, I just want some time with him. He then accuses me of not wanting to marry him or be with him. Why would I be asking for more of his time if I didn't want to be with him? How can I make him see that I need more effort/time on his part? He does seem like he wants to be with me as he has gone to counseling with me for other issues.
Author Laurenwho Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 He works so many hours because he wants to. His first job he doesn't relly need, it is a hobby job if that makes sense. His 2nd job is his main job that makes the money. His first job is just for extra spending money. He is very responsible, very good at paying bills and never buys on credit. So I admire him for that. I've talked to him about quitting the 'hobby' job and he won't do it. He actually cries and says that he would miss it too much and that is is his only chance to relax. It is a job working on cars for a family friend (and yes he could make a lot more somewhere else but basically does it for minimum wage for a favor for the family friend.) He doesnt' like his 2nd job and would like to open his own auto repair shop someday. We would be perfectly fine with our bills if we put our incomes together. IF he left his hobby job we would have no problem paying bills we just couldnt go out to eat or on vacations as much unless i paid which I have no problem doing so. He isn't a guy who has a problem with me paying for dates either. Its usually 50/50. I'm starting to think -yeah took me awhile to catch on!!- that he doesn't want to get emotionally close to me as to depend on me and NEED me in his life. He does very sweet things and tells me at least twice a day he loves me but I don't think he is attached to me, if that makes sense. I'm sure if I left he would be hurt but I don't take up much of his time anyway so its not like there would be a big hole there. I've thought about leaving and its just bleak. I would go from having someone who loves me (but doesn't spend enough time with me) to having no one who loves me. Also and this sounds stupid I know but we have this cat together and my guy never cared much for pets (never had them) but he loves this little cat I rescued. He calls himself her "daddy" and literally pays more attention to this cat then to me sometimes. I love the cat too and she is so attached to him I just can't imagine leaving and taking her away. NOT the reason I stay, I love him dearly, can't imagine my life without him as we had some wonderful times in the first few years we dated. But now I just feel neglected and left out. Like I am losing any connection to him that I had. Ironically he still wants to get married this fall, even though I feel we are now strangers.
redfathom Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Is your job flexible enough that maybe your could help him at his hobby job to try to spend some time together, maybe switch the hours you work to make time for that? I don't think he looks at the car repair shop as his hobby job more more like training for job the he hopes to some day have. He also probrably looks at it like he is doing what is best for his "family" by learning an important skill that he could build a successful career from. I understand how hard it is when you have different schedules. My H works grave and I work days and for six months out of every year we don't even have one day off together. Some days we don't even see each other. Honestly it is difficult, I get used to doing things on my own and while I enjoy his company sometimes I get resentful that he is messing up "my" schedule/routine. I have no doubt that he loves you, I think he is trying to take care of you in the way he thinks you want to be taken care of. I wish I could help, my H and I have been discussing what I feel detached from him and ways to work on it. He doesn't get it. I also told my H that I would like to have sex more often (it's been three weeks!!!) and he get's very sensative about it and tells me that sex is not whats important in our relationship. I tried to explain that sex is one way I feel connected to him and he said we show our love in other ways. What he needs to understand is how I feel loved and meet those needs and I need to udnerstand how he feels loved and meet his needs. I think your BF is showing his love for you by being the providor and taking care of you, when he does not understand that you want him to show he loves you in another way.
carhill Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Sounds like his actions say he prefers to be single with a companion. Yes, he wants to get married because that we he figures you'll feel compelled to be that companion when he has time for you. To me this is an issue of compatibility and communication. It's the exact opposite of my marriage, where my wife wishes I worked more and she saw less of me
Author Laurenwho Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 I am at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do anymore. I posted on here about my guy taking his sister's side (or seeming to) when she had an accident and hit my brand new car) We have been together for SIX years so it almost feels like we are married. Last night he got home early (9pm) from his 2nd job. I was excited because I've hardly seen him all week and I wanted to spend some alone time with him. Our last big blow up was this saturday and of course it was about his sister and my car. But the little we've seen eachother all week, we've gotten along. Well he barely spent any time with me and didn't pay any attention to me at all until I asked him to give me a foot massage, and he only did that half heartedly. He just totally acted like he did not want to be around me or was wasting his time. I am still a little bothered that he lied to me about his sister giving him money for my car (and it was actually his money!) because he lost trust with me and that is hard to earn back. And also because he didn't see it a as a big deal to lie to me so now I am wondering what all else he lies to me about?? Even my mom who loves him and has defended him in the past told me that she thinks he is out of line and that his priorities are not straight (the situation with his sister and lying to me). So today I saw him at lunch time (he normally leaves his minimum wage job at lunchtime to eat lunch with me since we work in the same town. I casually brought up that I think we need to spend some more time together because he seems distant lately and that since him lying to me about his sister and that situation I dont' trust him as much and we need to work on that. Well he flipped out and basically started yelling at me that I expect him to give up everything to please me and that I should just let it go (the thing about him lying) he then suggested maybe I should visit my parents for the weekend. He says all I do is demand more time and that if I would just leave him alone he will want to be around me and spend more time with me. NOPE sorry this does NOT work. I have tried absolutely everything, I can be the sweetest girlfriend ever, have sex with him every single day, make him dinner, keep the house clean, give him compliments etc for weeks, months at a time, or I can be the biggest bitch, nagging at him about spending more time with me, not being interested in sex, not making him dinner or keeping the house clean etc for a day or a week or whatever and both have the same effect. He doesn't spend any more time with me! I've tried making myself unavailable to him and this caused some reaction (he missed me) but that soon wore off. And to top it off he is acting like an immature a**h*le. During the argument I told him I don't feel like he actually wants to be with me, that I am just a convenience to him. But that he puts everything else before me. That I just want ONE more day a week (would be about six hours in the morning) from him. That would make a total of 1 whole day (saturdays) that he spends with me and 6 hours one morning a week and I see him maybe 1 hour in total every other day of the week. THis is all because of how much he works. He works at his hobby job one evening and he would just have to take that night off. He'd be losing about $30. He is VERY upset that I've asked him to do this but hey if I am not even more than $30 to him than why the hell is he in this relationship?? He told me that recently when I've brought up stuff about getting married (and HE was the one who was pushing to get married this year, not me) and I was suprised he wasn't interested when I started talking about the idea he said he was just "doing to you what you did to me" because when he was interested in talking about it- I wasn't really into the idea (because of the not-enough time situation) and now that I was talking about it (mostly to guage how much interest he still has in me) he says he was acting uninterested to get back at me. I'm sick of mind games. I just don't know what to do? Is there some way I can talk to him about this without it turning into an argument. He got mad and said I MUST LIKE MAKING him angry and that I must get pleasure out of arguing with him. HE said that I only want to talk about problems or things that are bothering me either at lunch or when he gets home from work. Well considering thats the ONLY time I EVER see him when would he like me to schedule time to talk to him about issues? Does he want to be woke up in the middle of the night to discuss these things? am I supposed to show up at his job and talk to him? He had no answer to this. I do not know what to do! If I were giving a friend advice I'd say the guy just isn't interested in her anymore. But I don't understand why my boyfriend talked so much about getting married this year or why he was willing to go to counseling with me? If a guy wasn't into you anymore or didn't want the relationship to continue why would HE be the one talking about marriage and why would he waste his time going to counseling?
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