emotionally_barren Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 I'm a fairly intelligent dude, but human thought processes elude me at times. Why does a dumper still want to be friends? On one hand you can take it at face value, you were an important part of their lives for a certain amount of time, and although they can't continue emotionally or romantically with you they still like you. On the other hand is it a guilt thing? Do they just want to make themselves feel better for knowingly doing you wrong? To keep tabs on you in case you are telling your side of the story to mutual acquaintances that contradicts theirs and will put them in a bad light? Let discussion ensue!
loveinlife Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 i think its an easy way to let a person down and slowly get out of the relationship. It is also hard for them to put it into words without hurting the dumpee, so they try to eluding them that we may have a slight chance to be together, BUT not like how we used to. It is a guilt thing and maybe also for them to have room to see other ppl and keep us around, like a just in case kinda person(money, sex, companion, or etc..). This is just my opinion. I would also like to hear from you guys/girls like emo =)
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Leftover emotional stuff, basically. The last vestiges of what they used to feel for you. They still want that infinitesimal little bit of need they have for you met, so they have it met by being 'friends' little realizing or caring how much it hurts to do so. On one hand they think it will help you let go easier, and on the other hand it helps them let go easier too. Unfortunately, they don't really understand that it isn't helping you to let go - it keeps you hanging on that much longer.
sedona Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Could be guilt for some, sure. Or maybe a way of holding onto to you, just in case. A back-up, in case they change their minds. Even if they don't want to admit it to you or to themselves, this might be the reason. Or just that because their feelings of love for you have entirely vanished, for them it's really not a problem at all just to stay "friends". After all, they still like you. They just don't realize how painful it is for the other person who is still in love and can't help searching any communication for more than is actually there. So while they get exactly what they want from you, you suffer. So selfishness - either concious or unconcious. Or ignorance -- it's impossible for them to understand why friendship might be a problem simply because that's not how they feel.
Belkin Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 I can understand the want to be friends when the two parties mourn the relationship and at least one thinks it's for the best, but when she dumps you for someone else? Isn't that just plain cruel and self-centered? A way to reject the guilt maybe? I'm ok with being friends, but only once the two have moved on, have found new stable relationships. Else it just seems false, both pretending what they don't feel, trying to elude the awkwardness, each word said and move made interpreted, twisted, and used to fuel destructive hope.
malaclypse Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 I think it's normal. Unless the relationship was really messed up, usually the dumper would prefer to go to a 'just friends' or FWB level instead of NC. However, knowing how hard it is to be dumped, I never contacted my dumpee-exes 'first'. Most often, after half a year or so, they will contact you and with some luck, you can actually become friends.
your star Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 emotionally barren, I'm so glad you posted this because this question has been on my mind the last few days. my ex and I were together for almost 7 years. he broke up with me. he has told me he wants me in his life. I on the other hand told him it's too hard right now. he even told me that if I leave, he'll disappear from me!! he has offered to help me with my rent since I moved out from our house. it's been really strange. i wish i understood it!
superfox Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 There are a number of reasons why they want to keep you around here are a few: 1.) Friends with Benefits, sometimes they just want sex, and because they know you may still have feelings you may easily get in bed with them, Don't do this though because you will feel like poo after. 2.) To ease their own guilt. They want to feel like the nice guy/girl, and not look like a monster. They want to feel good after the breakup and think by telling you this they can feel better about themselves, and less heartless. They lie about this in the breakup because they don't want it to be dramatic, they don't want to answer the hard questions. 3.) Sometimes they do have the intention of being your friend. Being your friend means they can still have you around at their leisure and don't forget the dumper can usually control the friendship. They won't just answer the phone any time you call or want to go out with you whenever. This can help their own healing process until they find someone else, then your gonna be kicked to the curb in some cases! My advice, do NOT BE THEIR FRIEND at first, maybe down the road after 6 months depending on how long your relationship was you can try. But it will be on their terms not yours. Also what can they give you that another friend cannot? Do you want to be demoted? Do you want to settle for scraps and crumbs? This person hurt you, rejected you, you don't need that in your life. Also question why are you trying to be their friend or giving in to it BE HONEST. What are you hoping to gain? To show them that you can change? Its not worth it, go find the right one for you! My ex dumped me and told me over and over he wanted to remain friends, he told me "please don't vanish". He even texted me later to say sorry for the pain. Guess what? He never talked to me after, I only tried to contact him ONCE and said hello over an instant messenger, he went offline never came back again. Obviously he had no desire to keep the friendship, he lied so I wouldn't cry or be emotional. He lied so he wouldn't have to deal with me, so he could leave feeling okay with himself. So personally I don't buy into this friendship stuff. Why would you want to be friends with someone who treats you as though you are disposable.
emalkoc Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Never become friends with an EX unless there is a child involved. It is very wrong in my opinion even after so many years passed...People call themselves civilised when they become friends with EXes, in reality, they are faking to be friends... True meaning of friend, I can call anytime I want to, tell them whatever I want to, share my fears, joys whenever I want to...get real, you cannot do that with an EX. It will be called "bragging"...e.g. hey I bought myself a nice house yesterday or last nite's sex was so great...can you imagine? cheers eric
PinkRibbon Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Wow my situation is opposite. My husband dumped me and says there is no way in heck we will ever talk to each or see each other let alone be friends. I wonder what gives with that? Oh yea he dumped me that what gives...
Issues & tissues Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 True meaning of friend, I can call anytime I want to, tell them whatever I want to, share my fears, joys whenever I want to...get real, you cannot do that with an EX. It will be called "bragging"...e.g. hey I bought myself a nice house yesterday or last nite's sex was so great...can you imagine? cheers eric My sentiments exactly. Someone who dumps me or cheats and lies to me is no friend of mine. My EX and I are through for a reason and he is no way going to worm his way back into my circle of trust! Just my 2 cents.
LakesideDream Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 The situation you are in is common. Often the person doing the dumping wants to keep a distant option open to continue to associate with you, ie to use you until something better comes along. Another senerio is more insidious. The "dumper" enjoys the power they now have over the dumpee. It's basicly the "cat and mouse" senerio where the 15 lb cat continues to torture and "play" with the 3oz. mouse until the rodent's heart fails, or it is literally beaten to death. I suppose "guilt" over the dump could be another possible senerio, however I have never actually seen this senerio in use. It's far more probable that the dumpee is actually profiting in some way from the continued association, either emotional, or material. IMO the only way to avoid the above situations is to refuse to be a rodent.
audrey_1 Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Interesting. This is in the vein, sort of. I've been in a casual LDR for the past year. I have probably tried to break it off at least once a month...lol. Terrible, but the LDR is so frustrating. I want to see him more. I can't. Why bother? But he always responds to this with honesty (not ready, not in a place to be serious, but he enjoys spending time with me), but won't accept the "let's be friends" speech I'm repeatedly giving him. Is this because he doesn't want to enter my "friend zone" for fear he may never get out of it? I guess I can't technically dump him, since we're casual, and we started dating after he had just given this "let's be friends" speech to someone else he was in a real relationship with for 15 months that wasn't LD. I'm not sure how that's working out for them...
CaliGuy Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 I'm a fairly intelligent dude, but human thought processes elude me at times. Why does a dumper still want to be friends? On one hand you can take it at face value, you were an important part of their lives for a certain amount of time, and although they can't continue emotionally or romantically with you they still like you. On the other hand is it a guilt thing? Do they just want to make themselves feel better for knowingly doing you wrong? To keep tabs on you in case you are telling your side of the story to mutual acquaintances that contradicts theirs and will put them in a bad light? Let discussion ensue! A dumper who wants to remain friends stays in contact: a. To relieve their OWN guilt. b. To keep you at arms length IF they ever decide they want to talk to you. c. Deep down they still have some feelings for you, just not romantic ones. None of the above are any benefit to you. This is not what freindship means. You can be friends with anyone and heal, just not your ex. THere is no legitimate reason for you to be friends with an ex, ever, at least in my book.
melusine71 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 They do it to soften the blow so that they don't feel like total aholes. It has nothing to do with genuine concern for the dumpee. It's more of the f'in same.
melusine71 Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 ok, I need to add more here because this question has been on my mind a LOT lately. My x is now dating someone who could be like my slightly less attractive twin. Not his first choice-- she dumped him-- so he moved on to ho #2. We unfortunately have kids and on the rare occasion he sees me he tries to HUG and KISS me. We had to take our kid to the emergency room recently and instead of concern for her-- he just came straight at me, carrying a baby on one hip and a sick child and filling out paperwork by MYSELF because he dumped me. I wanted to punch him so bad. I said something like "get the f off of me..." And he said, "Why can't you be nice? I want to be nice to you." I was aghast. The man has treated me so bad. He's so expectant. So wants to step in and be the Dad to this family he totally abandoned and rejected. I hate him. Why does he do that to me?
1bee Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 they do it because they are f#@%kers. melusine71: it seems that he is just playing games with you because he obviously still has a thing for you if he is going out with a slightly less attractive "twin" of your's. he wants to have his cake and eat it too. you are doing the right thing by ignoring him. you are probably the only steady thing in his life since he is a known cheater and he probably wants to butter you up so you could always be there for him (or be the cushion he needs to fall back on if he gets dumped by this winner too). Well. Tough. Sucks for him.
Recommended Posts