Prosecco Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 (edited) And I think in the end it was a good thing. I now understand. He had kept me at arms length throughout the relationship, as he was still scared of getting hurt. I was and am incredibly important to him, as I was the first person he felt capable of seeing. And he cares about me a great deal. America comes up as a job option - the place he's dreamed of living - he'll be there for at least a year, probably 2, possibly forever. He doesn't want a long distance relationship - as he's been there, done that and been destroyed by the cheating that happened in it. And is scared he would fall for me between now and America - and him get hurt over again. It was a lovely evening - in many ways just like a date. We get on so incredibly well - it's saddening. We think the same, have the same interests, and can almost read each others minds when it comes to humour and random thoughts. He gave me the remains of my birthday present - and any other stuff I'd left at his. We talked about his past issues, being friends in the future, life. The funny thing - He thought telling me all about the issues and ways he'd been hurt in the past would stop me loving him. So - when I asked how to proceed, as I want to be friends but still love him - he was shocked. It's as if he can't believe that he's worthy of love - a thought in itself that makes me cry. Anyway - I cried a bit, he almost cried at times. But there is no resentment. I love him, but once it stops hurting, I have to be friends with him. For me - this hurts because it was so good, and because he's done nothing but the right thing from the start. I've had serious relationships in the past - one lasting 5 years - and it was never this good, never this right. I'm scared I'll never find this again. So now - I obviously still have the hope that he'll regret his decision, and want me back. I know this wont happen - since he has America as a goal to keep focused on, and he fears being in love again. The two together assure me we haven't a chance. I need to get past that hope, get past the tears that whell in my eyes whenever I think of him leaving for years, or not being able to kiss him or be held by him. I also need to crush the 'maybe in 3-4 years time he'll come back from the States and...' thought. And then I need to be friends. I've proposed a period of non-contact for a month, and then I'll see how I feel. I know I'd be happier now if we hung out as friends - as aside from the physical contact it would be a great deal like our relationship. But that would only do me long term hurt. He healed me from my last relationship - I'd convinced myself I was happy alone and never needed anyone. Which hurts now - but is a long term good thing. I can't let him break me again. But - I want to have no regrets. He is a great and amazing guy, and it was just the wrong time, wrong place. Fate, so to speak, stepped in. I will only have regrets if I can't keep him in my life. So - I'll be here talking about non-contact. Want any advice on friendship after relationships. Wanting support through it - and I'll give what I can. And probably feel a bit ashamed for wanting to talk to you guys - as I've read a few posts - and so many of you are going through worse, or have nastier breakups. Edited March 7, 2008 by Prosecco
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