emotionally_barren Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Please be patient with this post as my mind is all jumbled up. I just wanted to put my story down here but I tend to ramble. My wife is leaving me. She is having an affair with my BEST friend. I was the best man in his wedding, he was the best man in mine. He married a an absolute troll of a woman because he got her pregnant and surprise surprise he was miserable. When I found out I was mad as hell at the both of them. I said some choice words to my wife because I wasn't in my right mind and I haven't talked to my former best friend since. I went through every spectrum of the human emotional scale. She tells me that she is in love with him now and is not in love with me. She says she still loves me and will always love me and wants to be my friend forever but how am I to do this? I've lost my two best friends in this world in one fell swoop. She spends every spare moment with him and it hurts bad. My life is on its ear right now. Everything I've known for the past 15 years has been lost. My wife told me that she had planned on leaving me regardless of this affair with the OM but I think that me finding out pushed up the time table a bit. Supposedly the affair and end of the marriage just happened at the same time. That's what she tells me. I know I'm not perfect, I did the best I could with what I was equipped with emotionally. I've told her that I am still in love with her and that I want to work things out, even asked her if we could go see a councilor. That, of course, just won't do. We shouldn't have to go to someone to work out my inability to communicate effectively. I just got the obligatory "You didn't change before, you won't change now." I'll probably catch hell for this, but the other day we were getting along very well so I asked her if she wanted to have sex. She told me no, rejection is grand! I asked her why not, to which she replies, "I don't want to cheat on (insert OM's name here)" Now that, to me, is f'ed up. She would cheat on me with him, continues to cheat on me with him as we are still legally married, but won't have anything to do with me when I am actively trying to save the marriage! My marriage is over, I know that. Too little, too late. My mind probably looks like a tie dyed t-shirt right now. Please comment back as I really just need some feedback on this. I feel like everything is my fault.
sb129 Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 It is not your fault that these people hooked up. THEY chose to make that decision, not you. Sorry to hear about this, its an awful situation to be in and you have every right to be devastated. While you may have some faults within your marriage (who doesn't?!) it doesn't automatically give your W a pass out to get it on with your best friend for heavens sake! Working through the problems together is what most people would suggest is a good thing to fix problems within a marriage. Your Ws way of dealing with the problems has had rather more catastrophic consequences. Personally, I don't think I would be able to forgive either of them for a long long time. What has happened to your former best friends W? Does she know? What about their child? Do you have children with your W? I think you may have to accept that your marriage is over, it sounds like any chances of a reconciliation are slim. Getting individual counselling for YOU may be a good idea so you can work through your emotions regarding this, and if you come out of this a stronger, better person, then that can only be a good thing.
Author emotionally_barren Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 What has happened to your former best friends W? Does she know? What about their child? Do you have children with your W? His W knows all about it too. Apparently my W and he decided on total honesty with their respected spouses. I told my W a long time ago that, yes, he is my best friend, yes, I would take a bullet for him, but no, I don't trust him with her. But *he* listens to my W. I don't have the heart to tell her, but that's because he wants to have sex with her and to continue having sex with her. I've known him for 20 years & know his history. He will grow tired of my W in three months or less. His W has been texting me. I made a mistake and responded once, but she was just fishing for information to attack/hurt my former friend and by association my W (who I still am in love with) so I am ignoring all her texts now. Am I wrong in thinking that if she wasn't such a b*tch he wouldn't have done this? My W and myself used to listen to him all the time about his marriage problems for god's sake! As for the children question, we have no kids (she can't, female problems which I know is part of the problem). My ex pal has a two year old son.
sb129 Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Whether he tires of her or not is irrelevant right now- although if he DOES she may come crawling back to you. Is this what you are hoping will happen? If it does, will you be able to forgive and forget? Right now, you need to concentrate on yourself. Pinning your hopes on something that may not happen is damaging, so I would try to accept that your marriage is over, and work on healing from that. Easy for me to say though huh! Get some distance from these three people. (your W, him, his W). If you and your W are still living in the same house, then you need to make arrangements for that to cease. Having no contact with any of them will help you to heal and move on. Tell your W she is welcome to leave, but you would like her to do so immediately. She will prob come up with some excuse- don't buy it. They created this mess, its up to them to find a way to deal with it.
Author emotionally_barren Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 (edited) She is moving out as soon as is financially possible. She wants to move out actually. I am not exaggerating when I say I have no one that I can talk to about this, which is why I found my way here. So thanks to whomever replies to this thread, it is much appreciated! Therapy costs money, of which I don't have. (random thought sorry) She won't come crawling back, of this I am certain. I was the crawler in the relationship. I wasn't exactly a kept man or a house-husband, but pretty damn close. sb129, what is your take on my wife saying that her leaving me and their affair just happened to be at the same time? The W said they didn't mean for this to happen (yeah, like that makes me feel better!) and she's sorry for the timing. Honestly, I could probably handle either the end of the marriage or the cheating separately but both together have really torn me apart. Right now, you need to concentrate on yourself.This may be true, but very difficult. I've been concentrating on someone else for so long I'm not equipped to concentrate on myself. You'd get a different story from the W I am sure. she may come crawling back to you. Is this what you are hoping will happen? If it does, will you be able to forgive and forget? Tough call. Right at this moment I would take her back in a second. The word love doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about this woman. Could I forgive and forget? Probably not, because she feels like she has done nothing wrong. She actually got pissed at me when I verbally laid into her when I found out about her infidelity! Please take in mind I am very in control of my emotions usually. If at anytime I sound like a d!ck please call me on it. I'm going to get my 2 hours of sleep now (maybe) and then go to work, I'll check this tonight when I get home. Edited March 7, 2008 by emotionally_barren because I needed too =)
sb129 Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 sb129, what is your take on my wife saying that her leaving me and their affair just happened to be at the same time? The W said they didn't mean for this to happen (yeah, like that makes me feel better!) and she's sorry for the timing. Honestly, I could probably handle either the end of the marriage or the cheating separately but both together have really torn me apart. I think its a convenient excuse, probably designed to make you feel like it is your fault, but I also think its an indication that she is pretty set in her mind that things are over. I am not getting your Ws story, I am getting yours. So you are the one that I am trying to help! Maybe its time you stopped being the crawler, and stopped letting her walk all over you. She is in a nice little situation right now with her getting what she wants with her friend, she is managing to convince you that its your fault she is doing that, AND she is still living under your roof. Its time for them to face reality and get with reality. If they want to be together, then they should do it and stop dragging you and the other W through it all so that you two can get on with your own lives. They are being supremely selfish. Call her on it. Tell her "fine, OK, be with ___(the friend). But leave by the end of the weekend, and please don't come back". She can't have her cake and eat it as well. Grow some balls man- you can do it.
Findingme Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 She is moving out as soon as is financially possible. She wants to move out actually. I am not exaggerating when I say I have no one that I can talk to about this, which is why I found my way here. So thanks to whomever replies to this thread, it is much appreciated! Therapy costs money, of which I don't have. (random thought sorry) She won't come crawling back, of this I am certain. I was the crawler in the relationship. I wasn't exactly a kept man or a house-husband, but pretty damn close. sb129, what is your take on my wife saying that her leaving me and their affair just happened to be at the same time? The W said they didn't mean for this to happen (yeah, like that makes me feel better!) and she's sorry for the timing. Honestly, I could probably handle either the end of the marriage or the cheating separately but both together have really torn me apart. This may be true, but very difficult. I've been concentrating on someone else for so long I'm not equipped to concentrate on myself. You'd get a different story from the W I am sure. Tough call. Right at this moment I would take her back in a second. The word love doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about this woman. Could I forgive and forget? Probably not, because she feels like she has done nothing wrong. She actually got pissed at me when I verbally laid into her when I found out about her infidelity! Please take in mind I am very in control of my emotions usually. If at anytime I sound like a d!ck please call me on it. I'm going to get my 2 hours of sleep now (maybe) and then go to work, I'll check this tonight when I get home. ((((((EB))))))) Sorry this happened to you, To me cheating with the best friend is the WORST! I would like to think if I ever did actually cheat on H I wouldn't be messin with his best friend. Sb is right, no matter how hard it is you need to focus on YOU. First, get her out, who cares if it's not financially viable for her, she is not longer your problem. She should have thought about that BEFORE she decided to end your marriage. To be honest from what I have seen, cheating sometimes does just happen, they don't set out to do it BUT at the same time there must have been something wrong to allow it to happen. Does that make any sence? Did you have any clue that she was unhappy? When H cheated years ago I had no clue he wasn't happy, no clue what was coming. I heard a saying once that the spouse is always the last to know, in my case that was a fact! Everyone else knew BUT me! Anyway I understand where you are coming from on the counceling, we don't have the time or money for counceling either. I wish you loads of good wishes, you WILL get through this, just remember what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and something my boss used to tell me when I was going through my divorce with the Ex..... don't sweat the small stuff.. and it's all small stuff. Take it a day at a time and sometimes a minute at a time but you WILL get through this! HUGS!
Author emotionally_barren Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Ok last post then I am going to bed! I actually did tell her "Fine go be with _____, I'm sure you two will have a wonderful life together!" Oooooh, she didn't like that at all. Got very angry indeed!
sb129 Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Follow through with that. ACTIONS count here. Ask her to please leave by the end of the weekend. Its not fair that she continues to expect you to be OK with sharing a house while she is sleeping with your best friend. Her life is no longer your responsibility, she relinquished that when she slept with your friend and told you it was over. So kick her out!
Findingme Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Ok last post then I am going to bed! I actually did tell her "Fine go be with _____, I'm sure you two will have a wonderful life together!" Oooooh, she didn't like that at all. Got very angry indeed! Good, who cares if she's angry, that's her issues to deal with, now you get a little angry too and stick up for yourself! And don't grovel, as a woman I can tell you that is a MAJOR turn OFF!
Author emotionally_barren Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 (edited) Oh me sharing more info might be helpful. Like I said my mind is a mess so some of the details are being left out! Here's how I found out. It didn't just happen. She planned the cheating. The hook up that I found out about, and there were probably more, happened on Feb. 1. She got up early and said she was going to meet her girlfriend for lunch. Those 2 are always doing stuff so I thought nothing of it and I remember her mentioning it to me the night before. She came home after lunch with her friend (it was a Friday) and we went out as we usually do on Fridays. Her cellphone contract was up so we were getting her a new phone, one of those slick Moto Krazrs. Anyhow, I went to the bathroom at the cellphone place and I had my cell in the front pocket of my hoody. I get done doing my business and turn around to wash my hands when *plop* out comes my phone straight into the toilet! The cell salesman was cool about it and said it's no problem, I'll just switch your number onto your wife's old phone (we had the same kind of cell) and I won't charge you anything. So that's done, the W is happy with her shiny new phone, I'm humbled and feeling stupid for dropping mine into the toilet but all is well. Lots of reading I know. On with the story! She had to run into Wal-Mart before we went to eat so I just waited in the car. I open my new phone, my W's old phone, and go to text my best because he was gonna meet up with us later and have a few drinks when I see there are messages in the outbox. I hadn't sent any texts that day so not even thinking I begin checking them out. That's when I saw this.... Did you like the way I f**ked you today?The text was to my best friend. I was so stunned I didn't even react at first. Um, so yeah, there is another piece of the puzzle. The W and I had it out and it was pretty ugly. This is the first time I've shared any of this with anyone. Gotta say it feels good to tell someone and get a response. Edited March 7, 2008 by emotionally_barren i'm an editing fool!
sb129 Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Come on man! Please stop blaming yourself! They CHOSE to hook up. Neither of them are remorseful about it- so ditch them BOTH. Kick her out!
Findingme Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Oh me sharing more info might be helpful. Like I said my mind is a mess so some of the details are being left out! Here's how I found out. It didn't just happen. She planned the cheating. The hook up that I found out about, and there were probably more, happened on Feb. 1. She got up early and said she was going to meet her girlfriend for lunch. Those 2 are always doing stuff so I thought nothing of it and I remember her mentioning it to me the night before. She came home after lunch with her friend (it was a Friday) and we went out as we usually do on Fridays. Her cellphone contract was up so we were getting her a new phone, one of those slick Moto Krazrs. Anyhow, I went to the bathroom at the cellphone place and I had my cell in the front pocket of my hoody. I get done doing my business and turn around to wash my hands when *plop* out comes my phone straight into the toilet! The cell salesman was cool about it and said it's no problem, I'll just switch your number onto your wife's old phone (we had the same kind of cell) and I won't charge you anything. So that's done, the W is happy with her shiny new phone, I'm humbled and feeling stupid for dropping mine into the toilet but all is well. Lots of reading I know. On with the story! She had to run into Wal-Mart before we went to eat so I just waited in the car. I open my new phone, my W's old phone, and go to text my best because he was gonna meet up with us later and have a few drinks when I see there are messages in the outbox. I hadn't sent any texts that day so not even thinking I begin checking them out. That's when I saw this.... The text was to my best friend. I was so stunned I didn't even react at first. Um, so yeah, there is another piece of the puzzle. The W and I had it out and it was pretty ugly. This is the first time I've shared any of this with anyone. Gotta say it feels good to tell someone and get a response. I had to laugh at the cell in the toilet thing, that was funny! Now on to the rest, they may not have planned it the first time but yeah after that it's usually planned. Be glad you found out on your own and not after 1/2 the town was laughing at you, that sucks! It is nice to have people to bounce things off of, when it happened to me the interenet wasn't available. Now go get some sleep, that is part of focusing on you ya know!
Findingme Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Come on man! Please stop blaming yourself! They CHOSE to hook up. Neither of them are remorseful about it- so ditch them BOTH. Kick her out! I am with ya on this, I see no remorse, no guilt at all, she doesn't deserve the kindness he is showing!
gspgal Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 EB: The suggestion to seek out individual counseling is an excellant one. I know that you said money was an issue preventing this, which is so often the case... I just wanted to suggest you check your phone book for a local help line or crisis line. I've worked at the one in my area and volunteered for the one at my college, and both received all kinds of calls, not just imminent danger calls. It's in no way a replacement for actual therapy, but it would give you a way to get things off your chest. Another option is to call your insurance company asking their policy regarding a referral to a psychologist. If your primary doctor refers you to a psychologist, the insurance company may be more likely to cover the sessions than if you seek one out yourself. Either way: I promise you getting this vile stuff out of your system does make you feel better. Letting it sit inside you seething and feeding on itself will do you no good, it clouds your judgement and eats at you inside. Telling someone about it won't immediately fix your situation, but it does help clear your head so you can think things through a little more objectively.
Author emotionally_barren Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 I'm a bartender so suffice it to say that my "company" doesn't offer an insurance plan and getting it through other avenues is cost prohibitive. I know I should grow a set of balls. The thing is I've been trained for 12 years to not have balls so this change won't come over night. I realize now that I was living in fear the whole time we were married and instead of being more assertive I would just sit back and let whatever happen, happen. She's not worth it anymore but I am so lonely. I'd go out to a bar and get drunk and maybe find some strange but I'm broke. (I wouldn't actually find any strange but it sounded like a manly thing to say hehe )
sumdude Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 eb... ouch... dang... some wife... some friend... With friends like that .. well you know the rest. You have every right to be royally PO'd! At the moment you still feel love for your wife but ask yourself... do you really love her after this or are you more afraid of being alone? You are on the right track with telling her to go move in with him now. In fact I would pack all her stuff and have it delivered to his place right now. Or just place it in a pile outside your house under a a tarp, change the locks and tell her to stuff it. Sound harsh? Not nearly as harsh as how you've been diissed...
Author emotionally_barren Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 How's she gonna move in with him when his wife still lives with him? Ho! Ho! What fun that would be. I am afraid of being alone, you hit that nail right on the proverbial head. I'm a grown man but this whole thing has seriously damaged my belief in common courtesy, honor, and trust.
Findingme Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 I'm a bartender so suffice it to say that my "company" doesn't offer an insurance plan and getting it through other avenues is cost prohibitive. I know I should grow a set of balls. The thing is I've been trained for 12 years to not have balls so this change won't come over night. I realize now that I was living in fear the whole time we were married and instead of being more assertive I would just sit back and let whatever happen, happen. She's not worth it anymore but I am so lonely. I'd go out to a bar and get drunk and maybe find some strange but I'm broke. (I wouldn't actually find any strange but it sounded like a manly thing to say hehe ) Very Manly...hehehe. And funny as hell! You're gettin it and you will be fine, the tunnel looks dark right now but there is a light at the end of it and you'll start to see it soon. I'd love to be a fly on the wall if your wife did show up at his place with all her sh*t, oh my gosh, I might even pay to see that! HAHAHA
Curmudgeon Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 I said some choice words to my wife because I wasn't in my right mind... She says she still loves me and will always love me and wants to be my friend forever... "I don't want to cheat on (insert OM's name here)" I feel like everything is my fault. Without having read the rest of this thread (and perhaps this has all been addressed already), you really do have to rid yourself of this self-destructive, stinkin' thinkin'. If I discovered my wife cheating I'd have more than a few choices words with and for her and I would offer no apologies. She'd be deserving of every one of them. If you were hurt, angry and wanted to strike back then you WERE inyour right mind. You're human. It's perfectly allowable to feel. Friendship, PAH! If she wanted to be your friend she wouldn't have cheated on you and with your supposed best friend to boot. That's certainly not someone I'd want as a friend 'cause I would never trust them enough to turn my back on them. Cheat? Come on. Can you not see how absurd and self-serving this statement is? It doesn't really merit response. Your only "fault" is having picked a lemon in the garden of love. Many of us have been there. This will all get easier when the fog (fear - obligation - guilt) clears and you're able to see things clearly for what they are. I'm truly sorry you're going through this. BTDT. You'll survive, learn, grow and go on to have a better life.
Author emotionally_barren Posted March 8, 2008 Author Posted March 8, 2008 On the bright side I've had alot more time to play world of warcraft. Wife always felt that she was competing with my video game hobby. I bet if I hunted and fished like her dear old daddy or puddered around in the yard pulling weeds she wouldn't have felt like she was in competition for my attention! Ah hell, that's a whole nother thread right there and I'm not getting into it right now!
Mr. Lucky Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 She told me no, rejection is grand! I asked her why not, to which she replies, "I don't want to cheat on (insert OM's name here)" Now that, to me, is f'ed up. She would cheat on me with him, continues to cheat on me with him as we are still legally married, but won't have anything to do with me when I am actively trying to save the marriage! You're making the mistake of trying to apply reason and rational thinking to a totally illogical situation. Many of us have made the same mistake. It's hard to understand that there isn't any sensible answer when you ask her "Why?". For some people, the answer is simply because they could, everything else be damned. Timje is on your side here in two ways. First, you'll feel better. And second, you'll get to see all the players in this little drama get their just rewards. Hang in there and stay strong... Mr. Lucky
Author emotionally_barren Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 *UPDATE* She moved out on Friday. It's Sunday morning now & I have just spent 2 of the hardest, loneliest days of my life. I have good days and bad days with what's going on. Saturday was a real b*stard of a day for me. This is going to drive me to the bottle! All I want to do is see her but when we get together she invariably says something that cheeses me off and I swing in to pure d*ck mode without even realizing it, which solves nothing. My ex buddy's wife texted me begging for me to call her because "she wants to make sure I am OK." I know this is a thinly veiled way for her to get info out of me to use against my soon to be ex and her soon to be ex so I am not responding. I wash my hands on the situation & refuse to be put in the middle of a nasty storm that is brewing! On a positive note a female that comes into my bar asked me out for drinks this coming Friday. Don't know what all that is about but I might just go. She knows that the wife and I are on the skids so maybe she thinks I'm a cutey and is swooping in for some lovins! Well that's what is going on right now if anyone cares to read about it. Again, thank you for all the encouragement everyone and thank you for letting me vent.
LuCidiTy Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 ..."I don't want to cheat on (insert OM's name here)" Now that, to me, is f'ed up. She would cheat on me with him, continues to cheat on me with him as we are still legally married, but won't have anything to do with me when I am actively trying to save the marriage! This part has nothing to do with a marriage certificate and everything to do with emotions, and as hard as it is to take, at this point it sounds like she doesn't want the marriage to be saved, not that sex could save it or change the situation, if that's what you meant. Sorry you're going through this hell. It'll be hard to come to terms with a double blow like this for sure, but if you can get past the shock and heal the wounds, in the end it might surprise you that you need not lose either one from your life.
Recommended Posts