Ocean-Blue Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 I'm tired of trying. I feel like screaming. I want to drink myself into oblivion. I can't take this R anymore. He is so complacent and distant that it's nauseating. I have tried, time and again, to tell him how I feel...and all I get is, "if you don't like it, there's the door." I am a freakin' mess. I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend that this relationship is working for me. How the hell do I get over this? I feel so rejected and angry. I want to kill someone.
underpants Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 What's the matter my sister in strange? Is this the long distance guy?
SoHotZanzibar Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 More info please. If you are not married to this person, consider yourself extremely lucky
Author Ocean-Blue Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Yes, unders... I need to end this. But I don't know how. I'm so damn dependent on him. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. I feel so broken. I want to smother myself with this pillow. I feel like I've been buried alive. I can't do this. All the BS I grew up thinking about Rs and love...it's all just total and utter BS. This is God punishing me. For how much I hurt my ex. No doubt about that. I am getting my just desserts.
Pyro Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 I'm tired of trying. I feel like screaming. I want to drink myself into oblivion. I can't take this R anymore. He is so complacent and distant that it's nauseating. I have tried, time and again, to tell him how I feel...and all I get is, "if you don't like it, there's the door." I am a freakin' mess. I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend that this relationship is working for me. How the hell do I get over this? I feel so rejected and angry. I want to kill someone. You can only try so much to communicate with him. If he isn't willing to open up and talk to you as much as you are to him, then he isn't the one for you. Can't say that you didn't try because you really did.
Author Ocean-Blue Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 More info please. If you are not married to this person, consider yourself extremely lucky No, I'm not. But we are, more or less, engaged. His family knows. People know. My family doesn't. It's a cultural thing. I'm going to be 27 in a week. It's either him or some creepy guy my parents introduce me to. I've been a nightmare, yes. But I have tried to change. Try to be better. Stronger. But it's not good enough. He can't handle the drama. What freakin' drama? I've kept my mouth shut. Even been a good girl. And the one time I bring something up, he remains silent, makes jokes and more or less ignores my concerns. He wants a happy marriage. A simple one. Apparently, I can't give him that. Apparently, I'm too broken.
Author Ocean-Blue Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 You can only try so much to communicate with him. If he isn't willing to open up and talk to you as much as you are to him, then he isn't the one for you. Can't say that you didn't try because you really did. Oh God, Pyro. I feel like shiet. I really do. I'm too far gone this time. Point of no return. I can't do this. I can't stop crying. Why the hell am I so unloveable?
Pyro Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Oh God, Pyro. I feel like shiet. I really do. I'm too far gone this time. Point of no return. I can't do this. I can't stop crying. Why the hell am I so unloveable? That is the wrong attitude to have. You look at it as though its your fault. It takes two to tango. You two just aren't compatible, simple as that. It is not because you are unloveable and please get that thought out of your head.
Author Ocean-Blue Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 That is the wrong attitude to have. You look at it as though its your fault. It takes two to tango. You two just aren't compatible, simple as that. It is not because you are unloveable and please get that thought out of your head. I honestly don't know if it's me. Maybe it is. I wonder if I'm too intense. I don't know... I just feel so lost. And I don't have a lot of time. I hate feeling this reject... But in my defence, yes, I did really try. Tried harder than I have tried before. Karma really is a bitch.
Pyro Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 I honestly don't know if it's me. Maybe it is. I wonder if I'm too intense. I don't know... I just feel so lost. And I don't have a lot of time. I hate feeling this reject... But in my defence, yes, I did really try. Tried harder than I have tried before. Karma really is a bitch. You only have one life here on earth and it should not be wasted on someone whom your parents select for you, but that is a different topic to discuss. We have talked and I am aware of how this relationship has been. You can't beat yourself up for trying. That is all that you can do.
Author Ocean-Blue Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 You only have one life here on earth and it should not be wasted on someone whom your parents select for you, but that is a different topic to discuss. We have talked and I am aware of how this relationship has been. You can't beat yourself up for trying. That is all that you can do. Yes, I understand. But you and I come from different backgrounds. I have no idea how my life will pan out. But there are external pressures that need answering. His family for one. I suppose he'll tell them that it's over and they'll pick a bride for him....whatever, he is going to come out the winner in this. I want to end it. I think I should end it. But I have no idea where to begin. I don't even know how to self-reflect - I mean, REALLY think about what I want and go after it. I want him to suffer like I have been. I hope he regrets it. I hope he withers away in his regret.
underpants Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 And the one time I bring something up, he remains silent, makes jokes and more or less ignores my concerns. He wants a happy marriage. A simple one. Apparently, I can't give him that. Apparently, I'm too broken. Stop that talk. You are not broken. You are wonderful. What are your concerns? Does he just not want to talk about uncomfortable topics? Is he of the belief (delusion) that the perfect relationship/marriage has no difficulties or conflicts? Newsflash, sometimes difficult things happen even in the most simple situations. You need someone (and be that someone) that can handle difficult things or conversations. On some level I can understand the impulse to joke or go silent (as a way to give yourself some processing time). However, to show real respect he should step up and reassure you or at least discuss these 'concerns'. No? Could you ask him why he has such a reaction and explain how his reactions make your concerns feel invalidated? How long have you guys been long distance? That too can take it's own toll.
Pyro Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Yes, I understand. But you and I come from different backgrounds. I have no idea how my life will pan out. But there are external pressures that need answering. His family for one. I suppose he'll tell them that it's over and they'll pick a bride for him....whatever, he is going to come out the winner in this. I want to end it. I think I should end it. But I have no idea where to begin. I don't even know how to self-reflect - I mean, REALLY think about what I want and go after it. I want him to suffer like I have been. I hope he regrets it. I hope he withers away in his regret. Break-up's do suck, but in this case it is necessary. I don't even know where to tell you where to begin. You are a wonderful person. Of course he is going to regret it. All that matters now is you and making you feel better, which will take some time.
Author Ocean-Blue Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Stop that talk. You are not broken. You are wonderful. What are your concerns? Does he just not want to talk about uncomfortable topics? Is he of the belief (delusion) that the perfect relationship/marriage has no difficulties or conflicts? Newsflash, sometimes difficult things happen even in the most simple situations. You need someone (and be that someone) that can handle difficult things or conversations. On some level I can understand the impulse to joke or go silent (as a way to give yourself some processing time). However, to show real respect he should step up and reassure you or at least discuss these 'concerns'. No? Could you ask him why he has such a reaction and explain how his reactions make your concerns feel invalidated? How long have you guys been long distance? That too can take it's own toll. My concerns stem from our lack of communication. He hates talking about anything remotely serious. He once said to me, "I never knew relationships were so hard." He avoids conflict at all costs. He likes to make jokes and throws sarcasm at me like it's going out of style. I've done everything I can possibly think of. Tried to give him space. Tried to think like a man. Even bitten my tonuge on occasion. I've been pleasant and cheery... Hell, I've even gotten over some of my own issues as a result. But apparently, this isn't enough. We've been LD since January. We saw each other for months during the summer and then a month during the holidays. That's about it. He's a giant child. But if he were here, he'd tell you that I am the unreasonable one. The unstable one. The fickle one. I can scream till I grow tired and nothing will change. I really do want to seriously punch the wall. I've never felt this much rage.
underpants Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 My concerns stem from our lack of communication. He hates talking about anything remotely serious. He once said to me, "I never knew relationships were so hard." He avoids conflict at all costs. He likes to make jokes and throws sarcasm at me like it's going out of style. Oh... Well, then rest assured that he will not come out the winner. He is in for a sad awakening one day. That communication thing is very key in successful relationships. (from what I hear) I've done everything I can possibly think of. Tried to give him space. Tried to think like a man. Even bitten my tonuge on occasion. I've been pleasant and cheery... Hell, I've even gotten over some of my own issues as a result. But apparently, this isn't enough. You know. You can't bend yourself into a pretzel to suit someone else. That could be some of the source of your frustration. It is too bad that he can't or won't see how much you are trying. However, you can take this experience to help you seek out someone (down the road, when you feel ready) that can give back a little in some ways that you would like. 27 is a great age. For me I was still hawt but maturity and wisdom was setting in. Enjoy and embrace your personhood and don't put up with mistreatment. He's a giant child. But if he were here, he'd tell you that I am the unreasonable one. The unstable one. The fickle one. I can scream till I grow tired and nothing will change. I really do want to seriously punch the wall. I've never felt this much rage. Well, you know him better then anyone here. This side that you have problems with will always be there. Especially if he does not feel the need to do anything about it. There is a beauty (sometimes bittersweet) in seeing someone for who they are. Ultimately it is your decision on whether to accept it, (confront it, which it sounds like you have), or to walk away. Sometimes relationships are just learning experiences that make us better partners (and people) down the road. I know I have had my trials. Overall, I learned some sage things mostly about myself. All part of the process. Don't punch the wall. You might hurt your hand. I suggest severe excercise or a maniacal art project. Or heck grab a hammer and box of nails and some safety glasses and go to town. ((hugs))
Lizzie60 Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Ocean.. Ocean... come on.. stop this. You are young, smart and beautiful.. you got everything.. don't settle for an a$$ who can't appreciate you.. life is too short... Never mind him.. you'll find someone who deserves you... don't worry.. it will happen... you have all your life in front of you.. Enjoy being single for a while.. pamper yourself.. when you start thinking about him... change your mind.. do something else.. go to the gym.. physical exercise is great for your mind... Take care sweetie! (((((HUGS)))))
Florida Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 (edited) This all seems to be happening so quickly, usually these things take much longer to unfold. I'm confused about that aspect?! Ocean, please put aside the self blaming words (karma, unloveable, bad) and realize you are in a critical phase. It doesn't make him bad, nor you , if you have different needs. So he feels fulfilled when you feel you are not being yourself. And you feel unfulfilled when he is being himself. That feeling, can swallow you up and make life miserable. I don't think it gets better with time. So let us make a flow chart: option 1) You tell him exactly what you need, in "I" terms, and that is what constitutes a well rounded relationship for you to be happy. He may: a) resist in which case you have little recourse but to be unhappy forever or make the break. b) Realize he has to work with you, and try to grow with you to keep you. In that case, you can either: a) change your personality, expect less, stuff your emotions inside. b) go through enough anger where you realize you can't do it alone, and he isn't making you feel right. Perhaps he needs someone superficial and silly if that is the case. That is too bad for him. You are not at fault here, feeling unfulfillled is very real. Most people would not start cheating if they did not go ahead with the marriage with those feelings already in place thinking it would change once married! My thing is to eliminate all posssible what if's so you know without a fraction of a doubt where you stand. As Kamille said, it is easier to move on when you understand how you arrived there step by step to that decision. It is the relationships that end more mysteriously that are harder to move on from. So don't let that happen. Edited March 7, 2008 by Florida
surfcitysiren Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Dear Girl......he is clearly not worthy of a young, vibrant, caring woman such as yourself. DO NOT SETTLE FOR HIM. Trust me.....as miserable as he makes you NOW, wait until you are legally 'stuck' with him. YOU are not what's broken here, my dear. There is no need to place blame, even. Can you consider the possibility that perhaps your frustration is stemming more from the fact that you are trying to force a situation that is not the very, very best thing for you to work for no other reason than you feel like it's your only option? Think of the square peg with the round hole....like that. The problem isn't that you are a square peg or that he is a round hole. The problem is that it's probably not going to work because you are not compatible. A successful marriage, many times just in my OPINION requires a basic compatibility as much as it does love. It just doesn't sound like he's for you. YOU ARE ONLY 27. You may not think so but my GOD, girl, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't stuff it into a box because you feel like you have no options. This is YOUR life. YOURS. It's what YOU make it. Not what he makes it or your parents make it or anyone ELSE makes it. UNLESS YOU LET THEM. Stand up for yourself and follow your OWN path. It's your God given right, no matter what anyone else tells you. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. Be happy. Realize that you are perfect and whole JUST AS YOU ARE. When you free yourself from the pressure that it seems others are trying to impose upon you and just live a life that is pleasing to YOU...you will learn to give yourself the things that you are feeling like it requires a man to give to you. The truth is, you can give those things to yourself. Then and only then will you really, truly be ready to give your heart and LIFE to someone else. Then and only then will you be able to recognize what it is you are truly looking for in a mate. Love yourself. You are worth it. And run for the hills, honey. As fast as your little legs will carry you. Find someone outside this narrow minded circle who will support your breaking free from this situation, whether it's a living situation or whatever. But get out. Be happy! Don't throw the best years of your life away on someone who makes you feel like a slug. Being ALONE is better than that. Trust me. Trust yourself. And be happy.... Best of luck! Is
Author Ocean-Blue Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 unders, Florida, siren and Lizzie, thank you for taking the time to respond to my thread. So he and I talked last night. He says that he thought about life without me (i.e. marrying someone else) and realized that while it may be "simpler" that it wouldn't be "better", that he wouldn't be as happy as could be with me. I suppose that's progress. He says that he has issues with his pride at times and that he wants to change it. I guess we'll see, won't be? I'm far too gone (and dare I say, "in love") to leave him at this point. I have to admit (and Pyro, you know what I'm talking about) when I say that I have been unstable in the past. Emotionally volatile. And at times, manipulative. But I've learned the error of my ways...or I am learning to change my behaviour so that it's not so destructive. I gave him three options: one was to break up, the other was to continue like this and be miserable, or he could choose to work on things - to be there for me emotionally. He agreed. But only time will tell, right? For now, I'm not feeling so angry (or as insane). I realized that this person, despite his pride, has been "good" for me...he's forced me to recognize some very negative traits of mine (without doing it directly). Our fighting and his resistance has forced me to not be emotionally dependent on another person... I read all the heartfelt advice you all have posted on here...and I really do appreciate it. Made me smile. I don't want to walk away from this without having exhausted all of my options.
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