surfcitysiren Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I just read a post within this 'supportive' community that made me very sad. I'm willling to bet that nobody bares their soul here in hopes of being judged or flamed. We are ALL messed up in our own ways. We all have issues. We've all made mistakes. It's called the human condition. We are all here, by in large, because we are hurting or confused. We are here because we need compassion and understanding and a soft place to fall. We are looking for someone who can be objective without being condescending or judgemental. Nobody here needs to be told we are stupid or foolish or wrong. We probably already felt that way before we registered. Who among us does not know the 'rules' and the possible consequences? We don't need to be told, do we? Really? I think not. Perhaps everyone who visits these boards needs to ask themselves: Is what I'm about to say helpful and objective? Or am I using a particular forum to somehow vent my own frustrations or point of view? Let's all remember what it means to be a friend. We are all intelligent adults here. Let's show some compassion....caring.....dare I day it??? Love. It's all anyone is looking for in this life, anyway, isn't it? Often times the people who give the best advice can only offer it because they've made some pretty stupid mistakes and learned the hard way. I resemble that comment, myself. ; ) There is great value to be found here....even amid stupidity. Young people with ideals and values and strong morals but little life experience and who have never made a MAJOR life mistake but have a desire to sit in judgement here? I bless you. I pray your time does not come, but it probably will. And when it does, I know there will be wonderful people who will be objective and kind to you in your brokenness...... I can only speak for myself, in my own stupidity and brokenness.... I am here to allow myself to right to be human, to be hurt and vulnerable and messed up and idiotic. I am here in hopes of being able to show the same level of kindness that a couple of members have shown to me. Share the love. Soften the pain. Leave your grudges and hidden agendas at the door. Let's not be careless and shoot the wounded within our ranks, when what they really need is a healthy dose of kindness and a bandage. Thank you for listening.
Author surfcitysiren Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 To anyone who may wonder, I am referring to this post and the comments posted within this post, the first post, which reads: That's Fed up like as in Fuc*ed up... I know this is petty, but my annoyance with LS lately is reading the threads from some of the most F-ED up people I have EVER heard stories from on the planet, and then seeing them give others advice. Whenever I see that, I just have to roll my eyes. Am I the only one who feels this way, or am I just feeling particularly douchie today? And I find it both sad and somewhat telling that nobody seems to have a comment agreeing with my assertion and hope for a little more tenderness on this site.... Love and Peace to us All....
Author surfcitysiren Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 And my reply to that post, for anyone who cares: Let me ask a serious question: If you make a decision in your life that you knew going in was probably a) stupid b) wrong c) risky to your mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, financial, etc. health d) All of the above BUT YOU DID IT ANYWAY and got burnt? And you knew you had the consquences coming--whatever they were---but yet, in spite of the fact you may have messed up, hurt yourself as well as others, etc....you still were trying to pull yourself back together and just needed someone to 'listen' and be objective and not make you feel any worse than you already felt about yourself? If that were YOU who had 'F***ed' Up and/or even F****ed themself up, were genuinely hurting and needing a friend who would you rather talk to? a) Some person with a judgemental, how could you be such an idiot, 'this is what you should have done/need to do and you should have known better and now you get what you deserve' attitude who is happy to rub your nose in all YOUR shortcomings and mistakes??? OR b) A person who had actually been in your shoes (maybe even more than once) and could actually give you some perspective about your situation as well as (While NOT CONDONING OR EXCUSING) your actions, could tell you, from their failings and heartbreaks (self inflicted or not) the most constructive course of action?? Me personally? I'd rather talk to someone who is real and who has the courage to put themselves out there to be held up for judgement and who has a genuine concern for helping others avoid the pitfalls they have fallen (or continue to) fall prey to. I've been here exactly 24 hours, and you know what? I'm saddened by the lack of empathy and the rush to judgement I see being made all across the board. If I wanted to be flamed, put down, or judged, I'd talk to my husband. Perhaps it's wise not to judge what is not understood. IME it's very difficult to remain objective and non judgemental unless one has been there and done that themselves. I have little patience for perfection and cattiness and for those who think they have the world by the tail and are incapable of making some of the mistakes I see posted on this board. I have that in my marriage. When I was in my twenties and happily married, I could not conceive of *EVER* being unfaithful to my husband. EVER. As in, never, ever, ever. And I could not understand how ANYONE could ever do such a terrible, awful, unconcionable thing to anyone they loved. EVER. I believed I was ****INCAPABLE**** of doing such a thing. I was raised in church and have very strong morals, no matter what anyone may think of me. I believe marriage is supposed to be forever and cheating is a TERRIBLE thing to do. Well GUESS WHAT? Yeah. Remember that as you 'cast the first stone'. I paraphrase the words of Thumper the rabbit: If you can't say something nice......keep it to yourself. Seriously. It is not helpful. Even messed up people can have their hearts in the right place when they reach out to try to help or comfort someone else. They know first hand the pain that other person is bringing on themselves. Who are we to judge them for having the compassion to reach out and say, "Stop.....you are only going to hurt yourself" ? Peace.
KittenMoon Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 IMO, a lot of people are trying to help, not hurt. But sympathy isn't a universal ability. Some folks just can't do it. Or they think that's what they're doing when they are caustic towards someone in pain. Some people respond to motivation, others to empathy, etc. We all pretty much know what we respond to, so we tend to act that way towards others. Sometimes it hits and helps, sometimes it misses and hurts worse. The anonymity of LS only enhances these things sometimes. We all need to chill a bit sometimes when it comes to giving and receiving advice, and not just fly off the handle and act in the way our own emotional make-up dictates, y'know?
Arch Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Don't ask for advice if you don't want to hear what people think.
KittenMoon Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Don't ask for advice if you don't want to hear what people think. Conversely, don't bother giving advice if you think it's going to hurt more than help.
Arch Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Conversely, don't bother giving advice if you think it's going to hurt more than help. Some times the only way to help is through hurt.
Ocean-Blue Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Just b/c one has their own issues doesn't mean you suddenly become void of all reason and logic. We all have something to contribute.
KittenMoon Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Some times the only way to help is through hurt. 'Sometimes' is the operative word there. That why folks need to take a step back and think about what they say, before they say it.
Arch Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 'Sometimes' is the operative word there. That why folks need to take a step back and think about what they say, before they say it. So you are saying that peoples emotions should come first and the truth come second? Seems flawed to me.
KittenMoon Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 So you are saying that peoples emotions should come first and the truth come second? Seems flawed to me. No, I'm saying some people need to have some emotional recovery before they can start facing thr truth. Hand it to them too early and it will just make them feel worse. It's like breaking a leg (or something)- you let it heal a while before building the strength back up. Chances are, given a bit of "recovery" time, a person will begin to gather some grains of "the truth" on their own, so when someone else says it to them, it rings a little truer.
Arch Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 No, I'm saying some people need to have some emotional recovery before they can start facing thr truth. Hand it to them too early and it will just make them feel worse. It's like breaking a leg (or something)- you let it heal a while before building the strength back up. Chances are, given a bit of "recovery" time, a person will begin to gather some grains of "the truth" on their own, so when someone else says it to them, it rings a little truer. So when someones spouse/partner cheats on them, you would rather have people tell them "oh he/she just made a mistake" or equivalent. I think the truth serves them better which is that person doesn't give a ****, and they need to cut all contact and move on. Also I have found chicks who cheat get it easier from the females - when men cheat they get flammed about equally from both genders. It seems to me allot of people come here seeking validation and support for their actions, not advice.
Author surfcitysiren Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Hurtful behavior is hurtful behavior, be it words or actions. I do not believe hurtful behavior should be either EXCUSED or CONDONED, whether it be in word OR in deed....and REGARDLESS of the WHYS involved. You can be absolutely right. But you can be dead right, too. The truth frequently does not feel so great. I'm not saying anyone needs to candy coat what they say. What I'm saying is that if you are not someone who possesses the ability to speak the truth in love, without the tone coming across as meanspirted, AND/OR you simply have a catty, rude, judgmental, or in some other way NON HELPFUL comment, please consider keeping it to yourself. Examine your MOTIVES for what you post. For instance: a woman who is hurting because her man cheated on her is PROBABLY not able to say much that is helpful or constructed to a woman who is cheating with a married man and posting for advice. Anything she has to say is likely going to be tinged with her own bitterness and rage. Not helpful. Sure, what she has to say will likely be the TRUTH. However...... Treat people like you'd wanted to be treated, huh? Seems like a good idea to me. Saying don't ask for advice if you don't want to hear what people have to say if it's mean or hurtful is like saying never bend over for any reason unless you are willing to have anyone who happens to walk by kick you in the *ss. Show some respect. People are people and even the most 'perfect' among us here isn't. Examine your true motives. If it's just to puke out your holier than thou opinion on someone in the form of a comment or opinion, please reconsider. That's all I'm saying. ESPECIALLY if you are just making a rude or insensitive remark without offering ANY constructive advice.... Believe it or not, there is a POLITE and non-sycophantic way of speaking a hurtful truth to someone without adding to their misery. There are even polite ways of telling someone to go to h*ll....it just takes a little more effort. I realize it's an art many are not capable of. To those less adept at empathy.....please keep it to yourself. Even enemies can show respect.
Arch Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 So you are trying to say people that cheat deserve sympathy? lawl.
KittenMoon Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 So when someones spouse/partner cheats on them, you would rather have people tell them "oh he/she just made a mistake" or equivalent. I think the truth serves them better which is that person doesn't give a ****, and they need to cut all contact and move on. Also I have found chicks who cheat get it easier from the females - when men cheat they get flammed about equally from both genders. It seems to me allot of people come here seeking validation and support for their actions, not advice. Wow, that isn't what I was implying at all. Not in the least. I'm just about the least forgiving person you'll ever meet, in fact. But you seem to have a very strong personal inclination to the situations you're mentioned- does that mean you can't step back and consider your advice and its potential damage before you share it? Sympathy doesn't equal telling someone to just forget about it, get over it, etc etc. You can be sensitive and sympathetic while still telling someone to drop a bad SO like a hot potato.
Author surfcitysiren Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Well spoken, as usual, KittenMoon. I'm glad someone heard me.
Florida Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 (edited) Let's face it, LS is a dumping ground of every anxiety, scenario, emotion and bad feelings imaginable. So, the question really is: what brings people here? (Yes-this includes myself) I am sure most people have family to tend to, friends who have problems that need attention, one's own problems, so...why do you think people come here? -To get their own issues off their chest -To project and release anger if they feel the recipient remoids them of a past hurt -To look like they are more in control of their life than the next person -To be like the judge, passing sentence -To share mistakes they made so another won't do the same -To be popular amonst an anonymous on line community-validation for just your views Now let us look at the results of most threads: -usually not taking the advice -usually goes ahead and does what they want after venting -using other people's valuable time and resources and energy, often not resulting in any fundamental change -wanting to vent/dump all emotions like garbage dumping Most people would not talk and give so much time to a stranger who approached them, it is funny to think-why here? So thinking about that, most people may be disappointed if they come looking for *unconditional support* Everything has conditions. It is a trade off. Everyone is getting something out of it, but for each only they know what it is. Edited March 7, 2008 by Florida
Author surfcitysiren Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Let's face it, LS is a dumping ground of every anxiety, scenario, emotion and bad feelings imaginable. So, the question really is: what brings people here? (Yes-this includes myself) I am sure most people have family to tend to, friends who have problems that need attention, one's own problems, so...why do you think people come here? -To get their own issues off their chest -To project and release anger if they feel the recipient remonds them of a past hurt -To look like they are more in control of their life than the next person -To be like the judge, passing sentence -To share mistakes they made so another won't do the same -To be popular amonst an anonymous on line community-validation for just your views Now let us look at the results of most threads: -usually not taking the advice -usually goes ahead and does what they want after venting -using other people's valuable time and resources and energy, often not resulting in any fundamental change -wanting to vent/dump all emotions like garbage dumping Most people would not talk and give so much time to a stranger who approached them, it is funny to think-why here? So thinking about that, most people may be disappointed if they come looking for *unconditional support* Everything has conditions Everyone is getting something out of it, but to each only they know what it is. Well spoken. Sadly, I think you are right. It's too bad...the concept has such potential to be more....I think I'm done here..... Peace
Florida Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 You don't have to be done, hey I'm just a negative creep-who said you have to be?? Err, what I mean is come back-you have value here, don't let me dwelling on the darkside influence you so much. Each contribution is meaningful. Or has the potential to be. Or already is. Don't make such a hasty retreat yet.. I've decided to only post when I think I really genuinely feel I have something to contribute, hopefully. That is my new rule.
OpenBook Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Let's face it, LS is a dumping ground of every anxiety, scenario, emotion and bad feelings imaginable. :D Florida I loved this post!! The whole thing. So, the question really is: what brings people here? (Yes-this includes myself) I am sure most people have family to tend to, friends who have problems that need attention, one's own problems, so...why do you think people come here? -To get their own issues off their chest -To project and release anger if they feel the recipient remoids them of a past hurt -To look like they are more in control of their life than the next person -To be like the judge, passing sentence -To share mistakes they made so another won't do the same -To be popular amonst an anonymous on line community-validation for just your views Agreed, this all happens quite a bit here. This site provides such a fascinating cross-section of human drives and frailties. I'm not surprised at all that there's clashes and bashes. It's part of the human condition. We don't always get along. But the reason I came here to begin with was to get some insight about a situation I was contemplating IRL -- personal research. And I found what I came for. It's been an enormous help in determining the best direction to take myself. And I didn't have to make the mistake IRL to learn about it!! To me this is the greatest gift LS offers. Of course, now I'm addicted and can't stop posting & reading. Hello my name is OpenBook and I'm a LoveShack addict. It's been 3 minutes since I've had my last post.:D
Author surfcitysiren Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 You don't have to be done, hey I'm just a negative creep-who said you have to be?? Err, what I mean is come back-you have value here, don't let me dwelling on the darkside influence you so much. Each contribution is meaningful. Or has the potential to be. Or already is. Don't make such a hasty retreat yet.. I've decided to only post when I think I really genuinely feel I have something to contribute, hopefully. That is my new rule. LOL! Then somebody actually HEARD me. Thanks, you made me smile
Florida Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 But the reason I came here to begin with was to get some insight about a situation I was contemplating IRL -- personal research. And I found what I came for. It's been an enormous help in determining the best direction to take myself. And I didn't have to make the mistake IRL to learn about it!! To me this is the greatest gift LS offers. Of course, now I'm addicted and can't stop posting & reading. Hello my name is OpenBook and I'm a LoveShack addict. It's been 3 minutes since I've had my last post.:D Yes I know the feeling, I have been trying to come off my LS habit a bit too. You make a really good point about not having to go through the mistake IRL with LS advice around. LS has shown me I am not alone in many of the thoughts and self sabotage I thought only I had, which is nice. If I am really honest with myself, I like LS because I relate to misery, sorrow, and sadness/pathos like a fish to water. It is like sinking in a warm bath, I don't *want* others to be unhappy, but it is the only time I truly feel connected to another. When they are opening up all their wounds, their sadness, and I can feel connected through pain, because it is always inside me too. LOL! Then somebody actually HEARD me. Thanks, you made me smile Welcome!
Ocean-Blue Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 siren: Welcome to LS! It's nice to have you around here. You are kind and thoughtful. Don't let all the negative ish colour your view of LS. It's actually a wonderful place full of thoughtful posters. They provide you with varying perspectives and give you food for thought. I know I've benefitted greatly from some of the wisdom on here. It really has contributed to my personal growth (all in a short little while too!).
Recommended Posts