spookie Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 After work last night I logged on to AIM and immediately received a message from the ex: "What to have a beer?" We agreed to meet half an hour later at the pub we used to go to to get burgers (when we were 18 ). I got there before he did and ordered a pitcher. He showed up a couple minutes later, as I was downing my second pint. It was trippy. He looked like I remembered, but while I remembered being in love with him when I looked in his eyes, now I felt nothing. It was painful, almost. I WANTED to still be in love. We chatted for a couple of hours, then he invited me to see his new apartment, which was down the block. I went. While we were there he brought up how easy it was to talk to me; he said it was the first time he was able to talk freely to anyone in his life. Then we talked about sex, about how both of us begin hating whoever it is we are with immediately after. I mentioned how ironic it was that the entire time we were together, he always wanted me to give him a lapdance and I always refused; and now I do that for a living. And then he came on to me. He took my hand and dragged me to the bed. We messed around. What a mindfcvk. All these months I'd fantasized about being with him and now, in his bed, I FELT NOTHING. It was sort of depressing. I attempted to conjure up the feeling of some kind of magic, but no, there was absolutely nothing there. Don't get me wrong, it felt GOOD, but it was nothing special. Just your run of the mill empty "intimacy" with someone you're attracted to physically but don't care that much about otherwise and definitely don't trust. I put a stop to it before we started fcvking, although tbh we came pretty close. I'm not sure why, I was pretty into it physically, if not mentally/emotionally. I guess because, thanks to all the random sex I've had since the breakup, I know the empty feeling afterward, and that night I wanted to avoid it. After, lying in bed, he said we made the right choice not to go all the way. That he respected and cared about me too much to "violate" me that way. The old Madonna-whore complex coming out again. It tore us apart the first time. So that's that. I'm glad I went, and I'm glad we almost had sex. It reaffirmed what I already knew: that it's over. Not only by definition, but also in my heart. Which kind of kills me. It was so beautiful and all I have now is that knowledge. That I loved him, and he felt like my soulmate.
surfcitysiren Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Truth like that has a sort of devastating beauty. You lived your own truth, and that is beautiful. Sometimes the truth can devastate....and it can also liberate. Give yourself a hug and time to grieve the loss and then be proud of yourself for being true to you. Take care. : )
gspgal Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I can only imagine how difficult a situation that was for you, but on the other hand you've gotten a type of closure that other folks can only dream of... Hopefully, this will keep you from suffering any "what ifs" down the road....
Author spookie Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Which ex are you talking about, Spook? AS guy? Oh, no. I don't care about Mr. AS at all TBH. This is THE ex. The one that brought me here almost two years ago.
Ariadne Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Oh, no. I don't care about Mr. AS at all TBH. This is THE ex. The one that brought me here almost two years ago. Well, You are all out of love. Forget the EX and the AS guy. It's perfect! Now you don't have to worry about going to Chicago and being away from the love of your life yadda yadda. I had a similar experience in college with a guy I had a crush for years. I was completely obsessed, went to college at night to walk on the paths we walked together, mesmerized with his fleshy lips, you know the story. Then a year after graduation he asked me out and kissed me, and I didn't feel a thing. What a waste. It could have been so good, I would have died. Blah. Are you still talking to the AS guy or you got creeped out to no return?
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