Step-Parenting, Close to Calling it quits, Long..

[BigTrace]

This is pretty long so I appreciate your time in advance. Thanks

 

My name is Tracey (age 40) and my biological daughter Morgan (almost 13) and I have lived with my wife Julie (age 43) and her 3 biological children Jessica (age 22), Matthew (age 20) and Jade (age 18) since late 1998 (over 9 years now). When I met Julie, I was a widower, having lost Morgan’s biological mom in late 1995 to a car crash. Morgan at that time was 6 months old and never knew her biological mom. I still keep in touch with my former wife’s family and Morgan loves to see her Aunt and Grandmother on a regular basis. When I met Julie, Morgan was barely past 3.

 

Julie is a terrific mom to her 3 children. When I met them, Jess was 12, Matt 10 and Jade was 8. Julie was fresh off a divorce from her husband who cared very little about his children even though the children, especially Matt, cared for him. He did not support Julie financially or emotionally in any way and Julie never demanded any financial assistance from him even though he made decent money. She was afraid of him physically citing that he was “psycho” and threatened to kill her. I probably should have run at that point, but Julie and I got along so well that we became each others best friends.

 

I have been fortunate in my life to be financially successful. At the time I met Julie, my business was struggling and I needed a Human Resources Manager and she just happened to be one, so I hired her. She is a great business person and always has my best interests in mind and we still have a strong “business” bond where we can talk about anything and everything related to business, the world, politics etc. From time to time, we’ve had our own struggles over business issues but mostly our problems stem from our relationship between each other and my daughter Morgan.

 

After I met Julie in 1998, we soon moved in together and cohabitated for the next 3+ years before we got married in 2002. At the time, I had a large enough home to accommodate all of her children and mine too. It made sense and even though I knew she was a strict person (having witnessed it with her own children), she was also very loving with her own children and supported their activities without fail.

 

As Morgan grew up, Julie was very quick to tell her “no” for lots of things but never bonded with her on the positive side. We got into many arguments because I hated to see her be so disciplined without a hug or some kind of positive support. Believe me, there were times Morgan deserved it, no doubt, but there were more times that she could have corrected in a more positive manner. I lived with it for the most part but grew more and more resentful of Julie’s actions.

 

In 2002, when we got married, I thought the issues would decrease as Morgan got older and Julie felt more secure in our relationship. She always felt like she was going to get “kicked out” due to her battles with Morgan. When Morgan was young, she said something to Julie to that affect but again, she was about 6. I thought if I showed her I was strong enough and committed enough to accept our relationship as it was, she would let her defenses down and start to bond with Morgan. I couldn’t be more wrong. The problems just escalated. In 2004, Morgan was evaluated as having ADHD. It’s not serious, but does cause her to be more impulsive, speaking out of turn and without a “filter” as I like to call it, not doing her homework etc. Morgan was placed on a medication to help her focus and it, for the most part, has worked wonderfully, but not all day, just mostly school hours.

 

My relationship with her children was anything but grand when I first met Julie. Her kids were older, having gone through some things that I was only going through at that time. Her son, Matthew, hated me and her 2 daughters didn’t really respect me. Over time, we got closer but Matthew was still an issue for me. It took me a couple of years to figure out what I needed to do with him and finally, we started to gel. All it took was lunch. It was that simple, a father/son lunch where we could talk like guys, eat greasy food and laugh. Soon after that, we went to the movies, an action flick of course, but it was fun and showed him that I was just like him and I didn’t want to replace his biological father, just be his friend. It worked. Her girls were easier. Her oldest accepted me pretty much from the start because I was “there” in her life. I showed up to her activities, cheered for her, let her have a cat even though I was allergic and didn’t want animals in the house. Jade was Identical, just wanted some fatherly attention and to know a father was there to protect them.

 

Today, Matthew is a Junior at a 4 year college in Arizona, Jade is a Freshman at a 4 year college in San Francisco and Jessica is a cosmetologist having completed her trade school. I’ve always valued education and since none of their parents (Both Julie and her ex) went to college, I made it my goal to make sure they did. Her girls and I are close, but not as close as Matthew and I have become and of course not as close as my daughter and I are. Her daughters talk to me all the time and Matthew and I talk almost every other day about guy stuff. I feel really great about that.

 

The relationship between Morgan and Julie has graduated to just plain co-existence. Julie has never bonded with Morgan and their relationship is completely negative at this point. They barely speak and when they do, Julie usually has a “tone” with whatever message she’s trying to convey. Morgan can’t do anything right in her eyes. She lies constantly (according to Julie) and therefore Morgan’s argumentativeness (she is VERY smart, sometimes too much so for her own good) is looked at as disrespect. She’s scolded constantly for a myriad of things from her hair not being brushed to her schoolwork to rushing around the house and running into Julie by accident (although it has only happened a few times). Morgan’s scolded for things she’s doing to me even though I just brush a lot of that stuff off to teenager-ism. I learned a lot from her children as they were going through their teenage years so I tend to pick battles that are more serious rather than fight ALL of the battles. Julie wants to fight EVERY battle with Morgan and when I don’t agree, she gets mad at me and says I don’t support her. If I supported her in everything she gets mad about, I’m afraid my daughter would feel helpless and try to commit suicide or something. I feel caught in the middle, but am compelled to take Morgan’s side by trying to protect her from the verbal abuse.

 

Most of the time, I feel like a referee just trying to break up the fight between them. There are times Morgan is definitely wrong, and I agree with Julie, but in many cases, I just don’t. In raising her kids, I took a back seat to almost all major and minor problems we were having. I suggested things to her and a few times got mad that I didn’t get the respect that I deserved for certain issues, but again, she’s their biological mom and I am just the step parent so I felt whatever she said in final SHOULD trump whatever I said. All in all, my results with her children as you’ve probably read have been completely different than the results I’m attaining with mine. It’s as though I’m NOT the biological parent and I should just turn over all parenting issues to her (meaning Morgan) and let her manage that because all of her kids in her eyes turned out “Great” (which I do agree with because I do love and respect all of her kids as though they were mine). Basically, in no uncertain words, she calling me a “bad” parent and Morgan is the way she is because I haven’t raised her correctly.

 

At this point, Julies oldest daughter Jessica is about to become a Mom herself at the age of 22. My resentment has grown so much that every kind thing that Julie does towards Jessica makes me turn upside down internally. I should be happy about becoming a grandfather, but I’m not. I can see Julie spending the quality time with her new grandchild and every hug and kiss is going to make me more and more resentful. Julie has 3 dogs and 5 cats that roam the house. Again, this is a result of kids wanting cats and Julie wanting dogs and cats. She treats those animals with more love and respect than she does Morgan. With all of her children moved out (2 in college, 1 in her own apartment), I feel like it is just Morgan, Julie and Myself in a large house where Morgan will become the vent for all of Julie’s wrath. It was so bad last night that Julie went and slept in the guest room. She actually talked about divorce last night.

 

I’m not sure where to turn, a book to read, a therapist to see. We are actually supposed to start counseling tomorrow morning. I don’t know how much it will do as I’m already pretty close to throwing in the towel. I’ve never quit on anything in my life and am fiercely loyal to a fault, but I’m not sure I can even save this or even if I want to. I feel the continued fighting just damages my daughter even more and am just praying at this point that she grows up OK. Any advice at this point would be appreciated.

Edited March 6, 2008 by BigTrace
Get rid of formatting marks

[littlekitty]

Did you go to the counselling session today? How did it go?

 

I think from the sounds of things this would be the best way forward.

 

Have you ever spoken with Julie about why she never bonded with Morgan? About what the issue is there? Could there perhaps be some jealousy there?

 

I'm a step mum myself, so I know how hard it can be. But I always try to make sure my step son knows I love him, as much as I demand his respect.

[BigTrace]

Hi There,

 

Our session is at 9:30am this morning, so that's in about 3 hours. She texted me last night saying "I miss my best friend" with me responding "so do I", but then comes home after having a few drinks at Applebees, doesn't speak to me, then goes to bed in the other room. I'm getting more and more confused..

[littlekitty]

Hi There,

 

Our session is at 9:30am this morning, so that's in about 3 hours. She texted me last night saying "I miss my best friend" with me responding "so do I", but then comes home after having a few drinks at Applebees, doesn't speak to me, then goes to bed in the other room. I'm getting more and more confused..

 

I really do feel for you.

 

I know my husband would be devestated to be in your position and I know he would feel the need to put his child first too. And of course, it's the right thing to do.

 

Clearly the issue is pulling you two apart. I hope that the counselling session will allow you both air your feelings in a secure environment and start working on them.

 

She obviously loves you. Let's hope it's enough to make some changes in her behaviour towards Morgan, but I fear it will be a long hard road this late in the game.

 

Do you think she sufficiently understands ADHD? Is it perhaps part of the problem that she doesn't understand the issues this involves and therefore is expecting too much of Morgan?

 

My SS is very hyper!! Constantly on the go and never stops asking questions or talking.. mind you he's probably no different to any other 3 year old! *lol* I do find it exhausting and sometimes don't have the same level of patience as my hubby. This is quite soul destroying for me at times, as I wish I did.

 

I know I have struggled at times to be a good step parent to him. I found it useful to list out the reasons I was stuggling and then look at why and what I could do about it. In the end I realised he was just a little boy who wanted my love, and it was up to me to give it to him with my whole heart. Children pick up on the negative vibes if you put them out there.

 

Do come back and keep talking and we'll try to help.

[BigTrace]

Thanks for your kind words. Counseling went OK. Its just the first session though so I can't expect a lot. I let her know how resentful I was and how it's affected me. She still seems pretty hard nosed about it. She's seeing this marraige now as a dead end so it may only be a matter of time. I said I wanted to continue and keep making progress and although she said she wanted the same thing, she said she was "skeptical" of the sessions. I really thought we accomplished a lot while I don't think she feels the same way. We'll see how it goes through the weekend here. She's decided to sleep in the guest room now. First time since I've been with her that this has happened on purpose.

[marlena]

I took a back seat to almost all major and minor problems we were having. I suggested things to her and a few times got mad that I didn’t get the respect that I deserved for certain issues, but again, she’s their biological mom and I am just the step parent so I felt whatever she said in final SHOULD trump whatever I said.

 

I think Julie needs to realize the above. I was a stepmom for two years to my ex-husband's daughter who was a juvenile delinquent and a drug addict. I tried my best to embrace the child's problems (I had my own struggles as a mother of a two-year-old toddler) but I knew my boundaries and did in no way infringe on my husband's or her real mom's authority. My trying to "discipline" was done not in a harsh way but in a compassionate way. I would spend hours 'til early morning many times just listening to her more than anything - a kind of amateurish, instinctive counseling you might say. I am a teacher so I have a lot of experience with children. That helped a lot. Still, it was exhausting to say the least. But well worth it. In many ways, she resented me. I tried to turn that resentment into acceptance and, yes, liking. She lived with us for three explosive years. My reward came ten years later when she told my daughter that she was lucky to have such a great mom. Her father and I divorced. She wanted to come and live with me. Unfortunately, I couldn't handle the extra pressure as I was a single mom. My husband was remarried and her place was with them.

 

Fast forward to a few years later. His son moves to the country we are living in. His stepmom does not want him and he stays with me and my daughter for two months. Today, his other son from his other (third) marriage visits me often. His mother died two years ago.

 

Sorry to tire you with these details. Just wanted to give you the background picture. Being a step-parent is one of the hardest things to do in life. It can truly try your patience and even jeopardize your marriage.

 

The one thing during those hard times that I kept a focus on was that these children had their own parents who were, more than anyone, responsible for their discipline and parenting. I was just there to help as best I could. I kept these boundaries in mind - like you said, they held the trump card. My efforts at discipline were centered around long,long talks and not recriminations and punishment. And though of course I did not love these kids the way I did my own daughter, I empathized deeply with their problems.

 

I understand your frustration. It seems a pattern has been established and I don't know how you can break it. Perhaps you should have talked these things through with your wife right from the start before the problem accelerated.

 

One thing I can say with certainty. Above all else, you should put your daughter's mental and emotional well-being. Surely, your wife did the same for her daughters which is what she well should have done.

 

I hope counseling helps. Truly I do. And talk to your wife. Express your grievances without being bitter or angry. See if she is willing to try to understand your point of view and make some adjustments for a viable solution.

 

Marlena

Edited March 7, 2008 by marlena

[BigTrace]

That's a great story, thanks for the input. It pains me to think that, as a mother, she wouldn't understand what she is doing to my daughter. I thought that would be 2nd nature.

 

She is one of those moms that believes all children (even her own) should be held accountable for everything they do and don't do. While I agree with that premise, not EVERYTHING deserves a punishment or consequence. It depends on the infraction. You lead by example I say. My wife tends to curse a lot. I don't use curse words as much, but from time to time, I can belt out a good F-bomb or 2, but my point is that I have taught my child that cursing is not acceptable as a child and should be used with infrequency even as an adult. I do this in my everyday life and consequently so does Morgan, but her three seem to curse like sailors if given the chance. I would like to see Julie LEAD by example, I've always said "you reap what you sew" and thus Julie gets hated from Morgan because that is what she's given. Julie may be able to get to the "truth" about things faster than I can when Morgan is being interogated for something she's done, but in the long run, Morgan will "Tell" me more without interogation which I think is crucial as she gets into those really crappy 15-16-17 years.

 

All of these posts help me to realize that their is some HOPE. Thank You to All

[marlena]

You lead by example I say.

 

Aye, there's the rub (if my Shakespeare hasn't abandonned me)!

 

Children are great mimics. They enact what they see and hear.

 

Interrogation is NEVER an effective tactic with children,even more so when you are a step-parent. If anything, it brings out their innate tendency to rebel. For what is youth but not rebellion against authority?

 

Yes, without doubt, boundaries need to be drawn but when in the sticky situation of being a step-parent, one can not draw those boundaries as forcefully as the biological parents can. The child, will always see the step-parent as being an intrusive foreign body until he/she gains his love and aproval. No one can supplant the need to be loved and nutured by his/her real parents, even more so by the parent that is missing from the equation.

 

How often do we hear a stepson/daughter retaliate on the defensive, "You are not my father/mother!"

 

And they are right. This is something to be respected and taken into serious account. It helps to remember that these children have not only suffered the trauma of divorce but have also been dealt out a surrogate mother/father. They are going through a difficult period of adjustment and extreme confusion. They do not have the adult equipment to filter out what they are experiencing.

 

As adults, we are held accountable for this. For it is our decisions that have brought them to these crossroads. And as such, we need to be aware of the subtleties in the psyche of a child who is at the receiving end of our life choices.

 

A step-parent cannot behave to his step-children as he would to his own biological children. The psychology is not the same. It is in many ways like walking on eggs and requires an even greater understanding of the adjustment these children need to make. Therefore, the same strict disciplinary measures can not apply.

 

In my opinion/experience, when it comes to parenting other people's children, one needs to be extremely cautious and exercise more patience and understanding than they normally would with their own children.

 

What worked with me was not just reprimanding and infracting (which I did in extreme circumstances - like cursing ) but spending days on end talking and explaining until I turned blue in the face). Reasoning if you will or reaching out emotionally, walking in their shoes.

 

In school, I have students who are adjusted and happy. Then, I have kids with learning disabilites, personality disorders, special needs, from abusive homes etc....and the list is endless. These children require special treatment.

 

I can not deal with both broad categories in the same way. With the well- adjusted kids, I am more of a disciplinarian. They don't react to it. The others, I take aside, and have a private consultation with.

 

What I am trying to say is that your wife needs to see that there are subtle nuances between the two. I strongly believe that taking a back-burner approach to her own children was the best course of action. You cultivated a connection in small, tentative steps and ultimately won over her son. Forceful intervention is never a good approach in these circumstances.

 

Actually, this is the major reason I never wanted to remarry while my daughter was young. I was afraid that having a not so "suitable" stepfather may traumatize her. It was a conscious decision on my part.

 

Now that she is an adult and out of the home, I am hoping to find someone to settle down with.

 

Unlikely but hope springs eternally as they say.

Edited March 7, 2008 by marlena