In Pain

[Forgivemeachance]

My girlfriend of 10 months called it off yesterday. I know it's a short time, and I'm still young (20), but in that short wonderful time, I was shown what real love is and how to return it. She ended it because I was unable to hold down a job or continue school. These have a reason though. I have ulcerative colitis, a condition which causes the intestinal tract to bleed and swell, causing very intense abdominal pain, not to mention I have to use a restroom every 20-30 minutes. There is no cure and I was diagnosed with it at 16. I do not blame my condition for her ending it.

I'm devestated. I feel as though I can't breath, and after leaving our house where we lived together, I began vomiting violently and haven't been able to hold down any food. I'm heartbroken, but yet I can't cry unless I began to speak to someone about it. This pain isn't new to me. I've been through it before, but this is different. We had plans you know? She wanted to be a photographer and I wanted to be in the Marketing field. I had hopes and dreams for us which are all shattered now. I lost my temper and said things that I shouldn't have. She said any chance of us getting back together is gone. When she said those words, it felt as though my heart exploded inside my chest and the shockwaves from it made my body numb. I had to sit down after gathering my neccesities before I felt I could drive safely to my parent's house. If time is the only cure for this pain, then I wish I could jump into the future as far as needed to get rid of it. Actually, I wish I could jump into the past. Make some different decisions. Better decisions, that would've made us both happy. I have no ill feelings towards her, but I dreamt of her last night. Of us reconciling and getting back together. Kissing her, holding her, loving her. It's all I want to do now and it's all I can think about. Our song was "All my Loving" by the Beatles and I've been singing it to myself. Please help me. Someone convince me it will be ok. That I'll be ok. That she'll be ok. It's all I want really, for her to be happy. I know she's the type of person that will be able to move on. To be happy. But I don't think I am. Am I strong enough to love her, but not strong enought to let her go? I wish I was. I'm breaking down, but I don't think I can build myself up again. Please, somone, anyone, help me cope. Because I don't think I can do it on my own.