Doing the right thing versus what you think will make you happy

[annieo]

At the risk of being repetitive, beware the new. What makes you think that in 8.5 years, that this new woman isn't going to be a perfectionist, demanding, not so much fun. Or difficult in her own particular way?

Are you out of love for your wife? Has the light gone out? Or are you a little bored? There is a big difference, and I speak from experience. I got to the point with my ex (who was a carping, controlling ninny, with whom I had very little in common, as time went on) where I was just DONE. And then I met current h, who I have realized, over time, is not perfect either. I have moments where I wonder about my decision. Everything I put me/the kids through. Was it worth it? I'll find out eventually, I guess.

But despite the fact that I no longer believe in "perfect" love, I do believe that sometimes people are just meant to be together, to learn from each other, if not stay together forever. I hope that h and I will be laughing about all of our worries when we're old and gray, but I have no certainty.

Tough one, hard to balance the scales with so many unknowns, don't you think?

[General Jack]

I could very well have written this! I have 2 kids and divorced. Is your wife older to you?

 

I talked to her several times over the years regarding her behaviour and it was clear to both of us that I wasn't making her happy - neither of us are making each other happy anymore. We both came to a conclusion that we should do the right thing and pursue each other's happiness.

 

The right thing to do (for me, at least) is to make sure that you think things through before you make a decision to leave.

 

We are actually very close to the same age, both 32.

 

I am thinking hard. Discovering this board has been quite helpful in a cathartic sense.

[General Jack]

At the risk of being repetitive, beware the new. What makes you think that in 8.5 years, that this new woman isn't going to be a perfectionist, demanding, not so much fun. Or difficult in her own particular way?

Are you out of love for your wife? Has the light gone out? Or are you a little bored? There is a big difference, and I speak from experience. I got to the point with my ex (who was a carping, controlling ninny, with whom I had very little in common, as time went on) where I was just DONE. And then I met current h, who I have realized, over time, is not perfect either. I have moments where I wonder about my decision. Everything I put me/the kids through. Was it worth it? I'll find out eventually, I guess.

But despite the fact that I no longer believe in "perfect" love, I do believe that sometimes people are just meant to be together, to learn from each other, if not stay together forever. I hope that h and I will be laughing about all of our worries when we're old and gray, but I have no certainty.

Tough one, hard to balance the scales with so many unknowns, don't you think?

 

I'm not really considering pursuing a long term relationship with this woman. I already know of issues that would prevent this. What I am wrestling with is trying to re-kindle an attention that I received from her... attention that made me feel alive in a way that I hadn't in nearly a decade.

 

I am a hopeless romantic at heart, but I think our incompatibility and my wife's lack of need for physical affection has just worn me out. I've slowly become more and more dissatisfied over the years. The difficult thing... is that despite our incompatabiliy issues, my wife a good woman. So leaving her with the hopes of something better would be risky. Is that to say there isn't someone out there who would make me happier for a lifetime...? You are right, it is a very very tough one.

[annieo]

Just because she is "good', doesn't mean she's good for you. You sound distanced from her. Do you feel love, any real attachment, to her? Were things really good once? Could they be that way again? A lot of questions, I know.

Relationships fluctuate, mine always have. The tide ebbs, I try/he tries and we hope/wait/keep trying.

But there is a point when you are waiting for something that won't happen. Only you know when that point has been reached. And if you are paying attention, you'll know when you've reached it. I hope you don't. It's a crappy place to be. Then, you have no choice. You do what you have to do.

[angie2443]

You are emotionally cheating on your wife. Why don't you just divorce her? If you are in the US, it is fairly easy.

 

Please don't say that you are staying for your girl. She is only three now. She will be better off now, if you leave, then if you stay in this marriage and slowly tear it apart. There are few things more painful than watching your family, as you know it, die a slow death.

 

I have to wonder, are you keeping your wife as a backup plan? Is this why you don't divorce?

[Mino]

The behavior was part of the reason I got off the them... in addition to not wanting to go "medicated" indefinitely. The thing with the meds... initial dosage caused more erratic behavior. Then moved to half dosage which seemed to be "just right." Felt great... got along with my wife well, and soon after discontinued the meds altogether. I was only on the half dosage for a month or so... since things were going better and my wife was paranoid about getting pregnant with me medicated, she was really pushing me to get off them altogether. Now that I'm off the meds, some of the old bad feelings and creeping back (mild depression and anxiety).

 

I'm meeting with a psychiatrist next week.

 

 

 

I can understand why its confusing, its because we have ups and downs, at times we are pretty good, others not so good - so the story has many chapters and seem things are contradictory - just depends on the time.

 

I would say that 85% of the time, the marriage just leaves me wanting more... I feel like I could wake up in 30 years after just going through the motions, and suddenly wonder why I didn't pursue a woman who I would wake up next to every morning and be amazed by... rather than be with a woman, who is a good woman, but for whom I feel more like a friend than a lover. And a woman, who while being a good woman in her heart, often just frustrates the heck out of me.

 

Needs for me used to be sexual, my wife admits to not being so fond of sex. This quite often will make me very frustrated, depends on the day. Currently I am not overly worried about it, oddly enough. Other needs for me are to be appreciated for what I am, rather than nagged for the couple of things that I'm not - and when I'm not perfect in the smallest details.

 

Needs for her are me being more interested in the things she is interested in... staying up later with her (mind you I already stay up until 11:00 and get up at 6:00 for work while she sleeps until at least 8:00)... otherwise her needs involve me "respecting" her more - which involves never questioning her - and me spending more time with her (I now have a job where I am actually at home for several hours almost every night - used to have to work much more).

 

The thing that is frustrating is everybody considers me to be a good husband, especially so before the past year... (her family and friends included) and those same people acknowledge my wife can be difficult. Shoot, she even acknowledges that she can be difficult. When we met, I didn't think it would bother me as much... or maybe I was just starstruck. But now its just frustrating.

 

 

 

You are right in some respects. I probably am seeking some way of not feeling guilty about contacting the other woman. But I honestly feel like that contact could give me better insight onto the value of my marriage. This woman I am speaking of may not have the least bit of interest in me... I could get totally blown off, which, I believe would reinforce that my marriage is a better thing than I give it credit for.

 

 

 

Whoa, hold on a minute! I'm just trying to sort out my feelings, to talk about these things in a hopefully theraputic manner. But yes, we have had a few conversations about the state of our marriage.

ok, I guess I have a different view than most here. You say your not happy, 85% of the time you want more. You sound like you have outgrown each other. Your wife want more respect? Is she giving you any? Respect means not questioning her? My God, she is very controlling. I personally could not handle that, you need a lover/partner/friend/wife, not a MOTHER! and why on earth would you or her plan another child? This is not the time to have babies! let me ask you, does she work? She sounds very content with her power trip life. Lock it in with another child, realo smart. so maybe then you will be really stuck. Look, if this has been going on for a long time, these feelings, and you tried to talk, tried to make it work, and you still feel this way, its time to leave. YOU< my dear , have only one life, to live in this fashion with no passion, is like being already dead. And think doen the line, once kids are gone, Do you have enough in common to continue this for the rest of your life? People do grow apart. People also stay together out of fear, fear of the unknown. Read the book "self Matters, by Phillip McGRAW pHD. there are all kinds of test in this book to help you figure this out. Most people I notice will tell you to stay. cause its the "right thing to do", The hell with that, its your life too, you deserve respect and happiness too. GO BUY THE BOOK, it will help YOU the answers that will in the LONG RUN work for you. This is not a dress rehearsel, you only have one life, and its NOW. Good Luck,

[Lovelybird]

Hi, do you have difficulty with communication? such as express your feelings to her? express your true opinions to her? can you be true self before her? maybe these blocked communications caused your depression?

[Mr. Lucky]

Unfortunately, compatibility is one of those things you really can't tell during just the best of times. It has to work during the worst too.

True. And I'd have to assume that the OP was compatible with his W at some point or he (most likely) would not have married her.

 

Jack, this is more about you alone than it is about your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TechDude]

Personal experience and feedback from a similar situation would be highly valued.

The similarities between your feelings and mine are scary.

Been married 8.5 years. My wife is a great person, she cares about people, is good at almost everything she does

That is probably a pretty good description of my wife after 8 years of marriage too.

Problem is, she can also be pretty difficult, and always has been, notably having a short fuse and very very high expectations of herself and all of those around her.

OK, here is something to think about. Your wife sets high standards, does a lot to help other people, driven almost?

 

Is it possible that she actually has a self image problem which she satisfies through over achieving? Maybe I have completely missed here, but I believe that was the case with my wife. The end result was not pretty.

I am a laid back person by nature,

As am I - usually.

and the "living up to her standards" is a pervasive issue.

I can't remember if this was an issue after 8 years, but it is now (much more than 8 years).

 

Or, if I take care of a simple problem my way instead of following her recommendation, I am "disrespecting her."

What reaction do you get if you ask questions about her recommendation (only for the purposes of clarity and understanding)?

 

If I ask questions to help me understand, I got told I am putting her down. What the????

 

The other side note is that over the past couple of years I have developed mild depression and anxiety. Again, this is a side note, but the relevance is that I'm pretty sure it has to do with dissatisfaction with my marriage.

Forget about what others have said about chemical imbalance (I think it is just BS peddled by the drug companies to make us feel better about it). I think depression is one of the responses (not the only response) to continual long term unresolved conflict in your mind.

 

She has threatened to leave me many times over the years

Yep, been told that one many times.

 

More recently, I have started to think that being away from her might be the answer.

Which brings us back to the real conflict for you.

 

Because of my upbringing and my own sense or morality, I feel like "the right thing to do" is to grin and bear it, try to make my marriage work.

Grin and bear it is not an option, it is a recipe for failure. You do need to do something. If your upbringing or sense of morality says stay with the marriage (and there are many other good reasons for staying too), then that demands that you take positive action to build the marriage and keep it alive. MC, IC, whatever, but start somewhere. Do something.

 

However, the other side of me, undoubtedly influenced by our popular culture, makes me feel like it is OK to want more.

Sure, but I think the answer to more lies in fixing the problems in your marriage.

 

Or is emotional apathy and limbo just the way it has to be with the commitment of marriage.

It only has to be that way if you sit back and let it be that way.

 

I daydream about other women and I feel guilty for it...

You are not alone my friend.

 

I am thinking of trying to find a woman I ran into several months ago. We hung out for a few hours a couple of nights

I met an interesting woman on a training course recently. We were broken into small teams for some practical work. To work along side her really spun my head out ... don't know why (or maybe I do but don't have room to work through it here). For 2 or 3 nights, I couldn't get her out of my head. Anyway, training course was over soon enough and I told myself to move on ... this was not a good way to be thinking.

 

The following week, she called me at work (yeah, I know what you are thinking) ... about work stuff (she works for another organisation that provides services to us). The main thing that was unusual was that although she had been in that role for quite some time and she knew already who I was (she already knew of me when we met at the course), she had never spoken to me once in the past. Now this is all completely normal ... except for the way my heart rate jumped and my mood lifted when talking to her on the phone.

 

Anyway, that was a couple of weeks ago now and I'm over it (not - maybe next time we happen to run into each other, I could suggest coffee).

 

... no sex or anything like that... but incredibly exciting for me - and I've longed for the attention she gave me ever since.

No comment.

 

should I try to contact her again?

No, you should not try and contact her. (Do as I say, not as I do.) I completely understand the appeal ... but nothing good will come from it. (I say this for my own benefit as much as yours).

 

but moreso to try and rekindle the excitement that has been lacking from my life for many years (attention from a beautiful woman).

And if you succeed? Then what? This won't go anywhere good.

 

We should probably discuss it more.

Yes, you should, if you can.

I think that my fear is doing so will seal the deal. She is very strong minded and proud, and it is possible she would make a unilateral decision to break up... and I'm still not sure that is what I want.

Understand completely. However, fear of losing her is no reason to not attempt to fix a struggling marriage.

 

Face that fear, accept in your own mind that her leaving IS a possible outcome. I DO understand how you feel. I have been there. I DO know that what I am asking is not easy. For every excuse your mind can come up with as to why you don't want to risk breaking up, I can match it with more. It has taken me many years to get over the fear of breaking up. Trouble is, I now have another fear to replace it ... that she might suicide.

 

Once you have accepted that her leaving is an outcome over which you don't really have any control (you might think you do), it is much easier to move forward and take the necessary action.

[zomgsavemymarriage]

I imagine your resent towards your wife will probably get worse. I am starting to get depression over my marriage so I understand how painful it is.

 

You can always try the typical marriage counseling, but watch how much time you invest into this marriage. 8 years will be come 15, then 20 years. And you will be so depressed and miserable for wasting so much time.

 

In the end, divorce might be your only option.

[angie2443]

Just as you are resenting your wife, she is resenting you. This is evident in many of your post. You both will soon be tearing each other apart right in front of your little girl. You are not going to work on your marriage. If you were, you wouldn't be setting yourself up to have an affair.

 

Please trust me on this. Divorce your wife now and save your little girl from a world of hurt. In a couple of years she will start having a sence of what is going on. I've been there, I know.

[reddog63]

 

So the first question is... if you're with somebody and its not really all that bad, but its not fun or all that fulfilling, is it enough to want more? Or is emotional apathy and limbo just the way it has to be with the commitment of marriage. I daydream about other women and I feel guilty for it... but I still do it. I am at the point where I spend quite a bit of time imagining having a relationship with other women. I am thinking of trying to find a woman I ran into several months ago. We hung out for a few hours a couple of nights... no sex or anything like that... but incredibly exciting for me - and I've longed for the attention she gave me ever since.

 

Thats the second question... should I try to contact her again? I am not doing it for a sexual encounter, but moreso to try and rekindle the excitement that has been lacking from my life for many years (attention from a beautiful woman). At times I feel incredibly guilty for thinking of doing that... at others I feel like I need to for my sanity.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

 

 

Very interesting thread because the "topic" has been my life for years. Like others have said, I can totally relate to your situation.

 

I have been married over 20 yrs to high school sweetheart and have 3 children.

 

Trying to figure out what is the "right" thing to do has been the most difficult, energy consuming, mind numbing, guilt trippin, moral questioning, soul searching, depressing, sad thing I ever had to do.

 

I thought there were a lot of great responses on this thread. Usually this topic gets two responses..........one camp that leans towards marriage and commitment, moral responsibility, etc............and the other that leans towards you need to be happy.

 

The trouble I have discovered through my journey is that it is not that simple. You can see positives and negatives of both camps.

 

So as many have said here in various ways, you will NOT "find" and answer. Lord knows, I am an Engineer, and my mind wanted a f_cking answer!! lol You will need to find the answer for yourself.

 

Alls I can suggest is to give it alot of thought, read sites like this, listen to yourself for the answer and do not let others, or society, or religion make it for you.

 

Ohhh, and as far as your second question. I had someone I really liked, and even had a brief fling years ago. More by circumstances, I have gone through the decision process without any complications of another woman. It is certainly not the easy choice. It would be much easier and safe to have someone else before you leave a marriage. But as I am coming closer to the end of this journey..........I feel better about myself that I did it by myself.

 

Good luck.

[georgia girl]

I'm probably a lousy one to give advice, but here goes: you resent your wife and you're not happy - 85% of the time. Why not try a separation? Maybe that will be the "jolt" for both of you to want to get back into the marriage. Maybe it will help her find her softer side and realize that she's a little tough to take. Maybe you'll see that you really love that tough side and you were going through some issues that you projected onto her.

 

On the other hand, maybe it will be the final signal to both of you that you need to get out. At least if that is the case, you'll have done it in an honorable way that respected your marriage - and your feelings. It just seems to me that lingering in this awful stage of uncertainty is leading to more hard feelings, increased depressive thoughts and a feeling of inescapability that will literally crush you. My take on this is that there's not many ways for your marriage to survive where you are without you taking some action. Otherwise, you're going to end up as "that guy" - you know, the one cheating on his wife and even more depressed than before.

 

This way, you're working toward resolution and you don't have to decide at this moment which resolution it will be. To me, separating gives you clarity and time to think without all of the drama and emotion at home.

 

BTW, depression CAN be situational. Please know that. If it is, once removed from the situation causing depression, your body returns to normalcy.

 

Good luck!

[stone22]

Very, Very interesting...

 

 

You and I seem to be in a very similar predicament. I created a thread a while back trying to figure out if feelings that I was having for another woman were feelings that I should ignore or do something about. I will recap briefly to lend a bit of clarity and show you what I learned:

 

I have been with my wife for a total of ten years, 3 of them we have been married. I have always found her attractive and I too feel she is a very good person and can't ever picture myself saying that I hate her in the least bit. She too can be demanding at times and a little unfair when it comes to certain issues. I too, felt trapped and suffocated in a way. I felt that everything was about her emotions and her attention and her life.

 

There was a time when I got severely depressed, and no- IT IS NOT AS SIMPLE AS SAYING IT IS A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE! I went on meds as well and suddenly my life started to head in another direction. I quit my current job and started a new, more exciting, more challenging, more risky job. I loved it to death. As time went on there I devloped very strong feelings for a co-worker. We got a long very well, and I could sense that she had feelings for me as well. It really was more of an emotional thing. We never discussed our feelings, ever. We never crossed the physical line either, but it came close once.

 

The whole thing scared me to death. My father was a pastor. I had marriage and the wrongs for getting a divorce hammered down my throat throughout my entire childhood. So of course I felt that everything that I was feeling was wrong, but-- I couldn't help it. So I decided to seek therapy or this. It has helped me tremendously. It took some time to find a therapist that I could related to, however.

 

But--- my life took an interesting turn when my wife had "stumbled" upon a journal entry that I wrote on my laptop about my feelings for the OW and my uncertainty in our marriage. The $#%@ hit the fan. She had no clue and felt like I betrayed her. Well, in retrospect- in a way I did and she does have a right to be angry.

 

I let her get a good amount of steam out and I layed it all on the table for her. I confessed to my feelings for this OW . I thought, "hey, she has a right to know, especially now".

 

But then- I started to take control of the situation and helped her realize that we BOTH owned the situation. Yes, I am the one who developed feelings for someone else. I am not making excuses for that at all. But- SHE is not giving ME what I need in our marraige and I looked for that emotional connection in someone else. I immediately offered marraige counciling.

 

Something very interesting started to happen though. It took a couple of days for my wife to come to terms with what was going on (she was very, very upset). BUT- suddenly I found myself wanting to work on things. Mind you I am still a little unsure about everything, but I see another option.

 

It seemed as though you had narrowed your options down to two-- to stay or go. That was the same thing that I did. I never saw or felt that working on things was an option or that it would work- or that I just didn't want to do. How could my wife have ever known that I was VERY unhappy in our marraige and that she was ignoring my emotional needs if I didn't tell her?

 

I know that not everything is cut and dry and every situation is different. That being said, you owe it to yourself, your wife, and especially your daughter to take an honest look at ALL of the options out there.

 

I have come to the conclusion that what makes you happy in the LONG RUN is RIGHT and BEST AND FULFILLING for both you and your family. The trick is trying o figure out what makes you happy in the long run...

 

Best of luck to you.

Edited March 22, 2008 by stone22