Doing the right thing versus what you think will make you happy

[General Jack]

OK, I created a similar post a couple of months ago... wanted to get more feedback and maybe present my question in a slightly different way. Personal experience and feedback from a similar situation would be highly valued.

 

Been married 8.5 years. My wife is a great person, she cares about people, is good at almost everything she does (including being a mother), and has some of the more traditional characteristics that I value, that you don't find every day anymore... like being a good cook and having a strong sense of morality - all the while being an interesting and fun person (well, at least used to be fun!).

 

Problem is, she can also be pretty difficult, and always has been, notably having a short fuse and very very high expectations of herself and all of those around her. I should note that in the eyes of everyone we know I am successful financially and a good daddy to my daughter.

 

I am a laid back person by nature, and the "living up to her standards" is a pervasive issue. For example, if I am home for 4 hours in the evening and spend 1 on the internet, I'm not "present." (I used to work long hours and travel 20% of the time - for the past year I'm at home almost every night for several waking hours before bed). Or, if I take care of a simple problem my way instead of following her recommendation, I am "disrespecting her." I'm not going to go into greater detail because this is only a side note to my question, and for developing more background only.

 

The other side note is that over the past couple of years I have developed mild depression and anxiety. Again, this is a side note, but the relevance is that I'm pretty sure it has to do with dissatisfaction with my marriage.

 

My wife and I get along at times, but quite often are just fed up with each other. She has threatened to leave me many times over the years (not because of serious issues, usually because I'm "not respecting her needs" in some shape, form, or fashion - I will admit there are times when I should take this more seriously... but I am dealing with the boy that cried wolf syndrome). More recently, I have started to think that being away from her might be the answer.

 

Because of my upbringing and my own sense or morality, I feel like "the right thing to do" is to grin and bear it, try to make my marriage work. However, the other side of me, undoubtedly influenced by our popular culture, makes me feel like it is OK to want more.

 

So the first question is... if you're with somebody and its not really all that bad, but its not fun or all that fulfilling, is it enough to want more? Or is emotional apathy and limbo just the way it has to be with the commitment of marriage. I daydream about other women and I feel guilty for it... but I still do it. I am at the point where I spend quite a bit of time imagining having a relationship with other women. I am thinking of trying to find a woman I ran into several months ago. We hung out for a few hours a couple of nights... no sex or anything like that... but incredibly exciting for me - and I've longed for the attention she gave me ever since.

 

Thats the second question... should I try to contact her again? I am not doing it for a sexual encounter, but moreso to try and rekindle the excitement that has been lacking from my life for many years (attention from a beautiful woman). At times I feel incredibly guilty for thinking of doing that... at others I feel like I need to for my sanity.

 

Thanks in advance.

[daisygirl]

Wow, thanks for posting this! I am interested to see others' responses, as I am going through the same battle within myself....different circumstances, of course, but same conflict. Stay for the family because it's the right thing to do? Or leave because I don't feel fulfilled and want more?

 

 

ETA: my adivce would be NO to contacting the OW. I know it's tempting- I've been there. I ended up having an EA and it messed me up even more. It started out just "for fun" - I enjoyed the attention from another man that I felt a connection with. Then, feelings started to get involved. In the end, everyone got hurt and now I'm feeling worse than ever. JMO

Edited March 6, 2008 by daisygirl

[toughchoices]

Because of my upbringing and my own sense or morality, I feel like "the right thing to do" is to grin and bear it, try to make my marriage work. However, the other side of me, undoubtedly influenced by our popular culture, makes me feel like it is OK to want more.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

I have been facing a similar problem in my unhappy marriage. I am the one who is unhappy and have tried to ride it out for the past several years. That strategy is not working and now I want out. I think it has made me very miserable as I don't see myself ever being happy in life stuck in this marriage. My wife is trying but I just don't really feel that way for her and want more too. My first step is to start MC next week. Then we'll see how it goes.

 

Thats the second question... should I try to contact her again? I am not doing it for a sexual encounter, but moreso to try and rekindle the excitement that has been lacking from my life for many years (attention from a beautiful woman). At times I feel incredibly guilty for thinking of doing that... at others I feel like I need to for my sanity.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Do not make contact. I have not been on this forum for very long but from what I have read that is the beginning of the end. Even if you have no intention of anything happening it seems it does. Especially with you feeling how you do and actively needing to seek out the attention you aren't getting whether emotional or sexual. You at least owe it to your wife as well as the OW to have freed yourself before starting anything. Otherwise you could end up in a much worse position than you already are.

 

I too don't want to have an affair but believe me just a couple of weeks ago all it would have taken from my crush was a wink and a nod and I would have done something I would have regretted the rest of my life. Fortunately for me my crush has no idea how I feel or that I am unhappy in my marriage. This OW for you probably has pretty good insight into your situation and things could escalate quickly.

[LucreziaBorgia]

When it all comes down to it - who will be there for you in your darkest time? I asked myself the same thing when I fell victim to cancer and my pay got cut down to 60 percent on sick leave. I had been separated and seeing OM for two and a half years and you know who was there for me? My exH. OM cut and ran. Literally ditched me - he wanted no part of supporting me either physically, monetarily, or emotionally. exH cared for me, nursed me, was there for me emotionally and physically when I needed someone to be there for me, he has helped me with bills and helped keep my head above water. He showed me the true meaning behind our vows that we took so long ago - in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer...

 

Chances are we could reconcile over this. I'm hoping so anyway. It may happen for us, it may not. But I can tell you this - the last place you want to be is where I am, seeing the smoking ruins of a life behind you and the smoke of health ruins yet to come and wishing we hadn't f*cked up so badly to begin with chasing some stupid romantic whim that we each had (long story short - he wanted an open marriage, I agreed, I fell in "love", we separated due to unrelated issues.)

 

Is this romantic ideal you are chasing going to be there for you when you really need someone, or will she cut and run leaving you wishing you hadn't messed up what you already had? You'll see your issues as petty when you find yourself where I am. There are much greater and more horrible things out there. Trust me.

 

Think carefully, and be damned sure that you are careful what you wish for.

[blind_otter]

 

Because of my upbringing and my own sense or morality, I feel like "the right thing to do" is to grin and bear it, try to make my marriage work. However, the other side of me, undoubtedly influenced by our popular culture, makes me feel like it is OK to want more.

 

I think when you "grin and bear it" you aren't really doing anything to make your marriage work. By definition, that phrase indicates that you just endure something that you find to be difficult or even odious. I "grin and bear it" when I go to the dentist or have a pap smear. "Trying to make your marriage work" means that you actively try different things to change the situation for the better...right?

 

I am at the point where I spend quite a bit of time imagining having a relationship with other women. I am thinking of trying to find a woman I ran into several months ago. We hung out for a few hours a couple of nights... no sex or anything like that... but incredibly exciting for me - and I've longed for the attention she gave me ever since.

 

The whole chemical high that comes with a new romance. It's very common. But again, sitting around imagining a different relationship (which naturally will be perfect, because it is all constructed inside your head, where you can make everything perfect and completely disregard the reality of clashing personalities and the daily drugery of dishes and stinky socks....) will be counterproductive to any attempt to make your marriage work.

 

Thats the second question... should I try to contact her again? I am not doing it for a sexual encounter, but moreso to try and rekindle the excitement that has been lacking from my life for many years (attention from a beautiful woman). At times I feel incredibly guilty for thinking of doing that... at others I feel like I need to for my sanity.

 

that is totally up to you....if you want to "Try to make your marriage work" this, of course, would be counterproductive. You would be putting your energy and effort into something new, rather than your current relationship.

 

Ultimately I think, if you feel your marriage is dead and you don't want to try to change the way things have become, then leave and start a new relationship. But it is very bad form to start a new relationship, sexual or not, when you are still embroiled in your current one. The whole "infidelity" thing comes to mind.

 

TBH, that would be sort of like sticking your head in the sand.

[Mustang Sally]

Because of my upbringing and my own sense or morality, I feel like "the right thing to do" is to grin and bear it, try to make my marriage work. However, the other side of me, undoubtedly influenced by our popular culture, makes me feel like it is OK to want more.

 

So the first question is... if you're with somebody and its not really all that bad, but its not fun or all that fulfilling, is it enough to want more? Or is emotional apathy and limbo just the way it has to be with the commitment of marriage. I daydream about other women and I feel guilty for it... but I still do it. I am at the point where I spend quite a bit of time imagining having a relationship with other women. I am thinking of trying to find a woman I ran into several months ago. We hung out for a few hours a couple of nights... no sex or anything like that... but incredibly exciting for me - and I've longed for the attention she gave me ever since.

Hi General.

I can empathize with your situation on many levels. I have been there. All the way from marriage ambivalence to dreaming about a relationship with another person.

And I know precisely of what you speak: fighting with yourself over what is the "right" thing to do vs. what you think you might want to do.

 

It's kind of like deciding whether to put your wife, your relationship, your daughter, and your family first or whether to put YOUR wants/needs first. And it's very hard to discern (at least I have found this to be true) whether the second option that I have listed, above, is justified because it really is justified, or because our self-gratification-over-self-sacrifice popular culture has deemed it so. You will likely see this very debate represented here in the replies that you receive (if history is any sort of teacher...)

 

All I can tell you is that I have found that I think one owe's it to oneself and one's partner/family to very, very seriously consider one's real motivations (something in YOU, rather than your wife, that has you searching for another outlet. For me personally, I think this has been a self-esteem/need for validation issue) and ALL possible options and outcomes before ending or going outside of a marriage such as you describe - meaning, your partner is not overtly abusive or flawed (although she clearly sounds like she has some significant control/resentment issues to me) and you do have children/a child involved.

 

Again. Many would chastise what I have just said as being too timid and ambivalent. But, I was raised to honor the commitment to marriage (for LIFE) in all but extreme circumstances, so you should at least know upfront where I'm coming from historically. However, I would also have to say that my thinking on this has changed over the last 10 years or so. I now feel that many times, everyone is better off in the long run if a couple cuts their losses and separates amicably (this would imply BEFORE any affair commences) and can maintain a reasonable working relationship for the sake of the kid(s) - if any. Unfortunately, this is more often that not, difficult to do in practice.

 

Anyway. While contemplating my own situation and what to do about it, for the last several years, I have been fortunate enough to see some very close-to-home-hitting and devastating situations occur with other people in my community. It has certainly given me pause and - again - made me think that one can't be too careful in considering the ramifications of such an action as leaving a marriage or pursuing an affair. I've seen repercussions that were farther reaching than I'm sure anyone in the actual situation would have ever thought could exist.

 

It has been sobering, to say the least. (The thought, "There but for the grace of God go I" has crossed my mind more times that you would believe.) But. This is just what I've seen - certainly, your mileage may vary.

 

So. Feel free to talk about what you're feeling here. There are lots of wise people who can give you needed perspectives.

 

**Standard Disclaimer: I'm no expert, and certainly don't claim to have all the answers or always do the "right" thing, as judged by my contemporaries. I'm just a confused middle-aged woman in a confused middle-aged marriage, who is trying to find her way.**

 

[Kasan]

So the first question is... if you're with somebody and its not really all that bad, but its not fun or all that fulfilling, is it enough to want more? Or is emotional apathy and limbo just the way it has to be with the commitment of marriage. I daydream about other women and I feel guilty for it... but I still do it. I am at the point where I spend quite a bit of time imagining having a relationship with other women. I am thinking of trying to find a woman I ran into several months ago. We hung out for a few hours a couple of nights... no sex or anything like that... but incredibly exciting for me - and I've longed for the attention she gave me ever since.

 

Welcome to the real world of marriage. Perhaps there should be another vow which goes "for boredom and apathy".

 

If you were to do an informal poll on long-term relationships, you would find that most couples have all felt the same way at one time or another--so you aren't alone.

 

You can jump off into the unknown and get some much needed excitement with no guarantees, or you can find a way to reconnect with your wife.

 

Whichever road you choose will always leave you with the "what ifs". I think it's a simple matter of deciding which "what ifs" you can live with.

 

And..... it was my understanding that depression was a chemical imbalance so I wonder why you blame your wife for this.

[angie2443]

If you have any respect for your wife and your child, then do the following.

 

1. See a therapist, pschyciatrist, or counselor to find out how to handle your depresion and anxiety. This can cause trouble for any relationship if it is not taken care of.

 

2. Either work on your marriage or tell your wife you want a divorce.

 

You sound like your placing the blame for your troubles on your wife and you can't fix your troubles untill you own up to your part in them.

[gspgal]

This is going to sound so wishy washy, so I apologize in advance

 

In my experience, the truly right thing and what will actually make you happy are very often the same thing, or at least in the same vein. I admit it so very rarely looks like that at the time, but my hindsight has shown me this time and time again.

 

In your particular situation, you're seeing two alternatives: to 'grin and bear it' in a miserable relationship or seeking to fulfill your needs outside of your marriage (which implies still staying in the miserable relationship). From an outsider's point of view, neither of things are the right thing OR what will actually make you happy. You've implied the same, by saying you wouldn't be happy keeping things as they are but that you also feel guilty sometimes when you think of moving outside your marriage.

 

The right thing to do AND what will truly make you happy is to be true to who you really are, who you want to be. No one here can answer that for you, only you can. Taken outside of this entire situation, do you see yourself as someone who could cheat on his wife? Are you someone who will meekly let his marriage dissentigrate without taking action to try and salvage it first? Once you seriously think about these types of questions, the right thing to do, what will REALLY make you happy, will start to be clear.

 

In this situation, when neither of the options are comfortable, perhaps it's time to look for a third, fourth, or even fifth option. Is straight up divorce an option? What about marriage counselling? Individual counselling for you and/or your wife? All of these are options other than just 'grin and bear it' or 'keep my mouth shut and look for some on the side'.

[General Jack]

When it all comes down to it - who will be there for you in your darkest time?

 

Very good point, which leads me to the "it could never happen to me..." stance. Almost like an insurance policy... because at least you know your current mate would stick with your through the thin... despite the thick being so forgettable.

 

I agree with what you said, the problem is that until someone walks in those shoes, they never fully realize just how much regret there would be if they did find themselves in that situation...

 

But your point was very well taken.

[General Jack]

Welcome to the real world of marriage. Perhaps there should be another vow which goes "for boredom and apathy".

 

If you were to do an informal poll on long-term relationships, you would find that most couples have all felt the same way at one time or another--so you aren't alone.

 

You can jump off into the unknown and get some much needed excitement with no guarantees, or you can find a way to reconnect with your wife.

 

Whichever road you choose will always leave you with the "what ifs". I think it's a simple matter of deciding which "what ifs" you can live with.

 

And..... it was my understanding that depression was a chemical imbalance so I wonder why you blame your wife for this.

 

You had me until the last parapgrah.

 

Not blaming my wife for the depression, blaming myself for beating myself over the issues we are discussing in this thread. That being said, depression is a very new issue to me, never had that issue until recently. I have sought some treatment, including therapy and mild medication, which worked. Now I'm off the meds and its coming back..

 

Not sure that these issues are causing the depression, but the more I analyze it all, the more likely it appears.

[General Jack]

If you have any respect for your wife and your child, then do the following.

 

1. See a therapist, pschyciatrist, or counselor to find out how to handle your depresion and anxiety. This can cause trouble for any relationship if it is not taken care of.

 

2. Either work on your marriage or tell your wife you want a divorce.

 

You sound like your placing the blame for your troubles on your wife and you can't fix your troubles untill you own up to your part in them.

 

No, I don't blame my wife for a thing. She is a great person as I stated above... the issue is our compatibility, which is very much an issue of mine.

 

My troubles like squarely on my shoulders, which is why I'm trying to figure myself out.

[angie2443]

Have you talked to anyone about your depression and anxiety? It's not good to keep that to yourself.

[Kasan]

I think that you are really torn about what you want to do, which leads me to wonder what your expectations of marriage were. You need to have a heart to heart with your wife and lay everything out on the table, because I suspect that she could be feeling much the same way as you.

 

Do you honestly think your wife doesn't have a clue that something is off or not right? How would you want to be treated if you were in your wife's shoes? Wouldn't you want the opportunity to decide if you wanted to work on the marriage? Would you want the decision taken out of your hands?

 

What could it hurt? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[General Jack]

To those of you for which I didn't respond directly... I appreciate the feedback. It is all welcome and valued.

 

The consensus appears to be not to contact the other woman. I would definitely file this one under the "right thing to do" category (or maybe in this case the "right thing not to do").

 

To briefly play devil's advocate... I don't want to get much into the details other than to say that the other woman lives over a thousand miles away... so the chances of this developing into anything are very remote - and I think I'm being honest with myself in believing that its not what I really want out of seeing her. I almost look at the opportunity as a measuring stick on where I am now compared to nearly a year ago. I am actually happier now than I was last year... and I'm curious to know whether seeing this other woman will make me realize that the fantasy is just that. Of course it could always backfire and reinforce my desire for the attention I don't get in my marriage....

 

Yes, maybe I am only trying to justify something exciting that isn't the right thing... I'm still stuck on determining whether I can talk to the other woman with a clear conscious.

[General Jack]

Have you talked to anyone about your depression and anxiety? It's not good to keep that to yourself.

 

You are right, I used to always keep things to myself (wouldn't even get on a message board) and it progressively got worse until I had what I would consider a nervous breakdown about a year ago. After that, I had a few sessions of counseling and tooks some mild meds for several months. I've been off the meds now for a month and I'm getting those unwelcome feelings again.

[Trialbyfire]

You had me until the last parapgrah.

 

Not blaming my wife for the depression, blaming myself for beating myself over the issues we are discussing in this thread. That being said, depression is a very new issue to me, never had that issue until recently. I have sought some treatment, including therapy and mild medication, which worked. Now I'm off the meds and its coming back..

 

Not sure that these issues are causing the depression, but the more I analyze it all, the more likely it appears.

Are you using your wife as a scapegoat for your woes? Maybe it's time to shake up your relationship by entering marriage counselling. If one party isn't fulfilled in the relationship, perhaps you need to learn to communicate issues to one another, in the way that hits home for the other spouse. You wife is an overachiever. You enjoy many of her overachieving skills. When those skills are applied towards you, you don't appreciate it.

 

Maybe the two of you need to step back and relax. Of course this probably means that you will lose some perks from her overachieving ways. Are you prepared for that eventuality? Pay to play.

[General Jack]

I think that you are really torn about what you want to do, which leads me to wonder what your expectations of marriage were. You need to have a heart to heart with your wife and lay everything out on the table, because I suspect that she could be feeling much the same way as you.

 

Do you honestly think your wife doesn't have a clue that something is off or not right? How would you want to be treated if you were in your wife's shoes? Wouldn't you want the opportunity to decide if you wanted to work on the marriage? Would you want the decision taken out of your hands?

 

What could it hurt? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

Looking back, I got married too soon. We were both just finishing college (last semester) when we met, and we had both come off of semi-long term relationships that weren't fulfilling. Whats more, I was blown away by my wife, wanted her all to myself, and we had a storybook romance. We share most of the same values but have also had very different personalities.

 

My wife has known things aren't right, we have discussed it some. She was very adamant about me getting off the meds, 1) because it did cause some behavioral changes in me, i.e. more testosteronal and 2) because she wants to get pregrent again and is worried about what the meds could do... (even though my doctor says nothing to worry about).

 

We should probably discuss it more. I think that my fear is doing so will seal the deal. She is very strong minded and proud, and it is possible she would make a unilateral decision to break up... and I'm still not sure that is what I want.

[angie2443]

You are right, I used to always keep things to myself (wouldn't even get on a message board) and it progressively got worse until I had what I would consider a nervous breakdown about a year ago. After that, I had a few sessions of counseling and tooks some mild meds for several months. I've been off the meds now for a month and I'm getting those unwelcome feelings again.

 

 

May I ask, why did you come off the meds?

[gspgal]

I'm still stuck on determining whether I can talk to the other woman with a clear conscious.

This reminds me of some of my friends in college: they'd be at a party and would try to figure out if they were sober enough to drive home... If you have to ask the question, then you're not capable of the task at hand

[smartgirl]

Jack,

What I feel I am hearing hear is a two way problem - you aren't happy and your wife isn't either. "Not feeling respected" is another way of saying "not feeling appreciated."

 

I don't think either of you is feeling loved or appreciated by one another and each is so focused on what you feel you aren't getting that you have failed to really, really see what you aren't giving.

 

I've been there. I'm in a 30+ year relationship, most married, together since we were kids. The cummulative stress of work, running a household, raising children, paying bills, planning for the future, aging, self-sacrifice all take their toll. Many of us are left feeling that we are doing a lot of sacrifice and hard work and are feeling a lot of payback. Trouble is, when you both feel put upon, you aren't really in the mood to think about what the other person needs or what you aren't doing for them. You are just thinking about how this isn't fun anymore and you start with the "nevers"

and the "always."

 

These include:

I was never strongly attracted to my spouse.

I was never "in love" with my spouse.

My spouse has never really appreciated me.

There has never been a lot of passion in our marriage.

I've always done most of the xx in the marriage.

I am always the one doing xx while my spouse does nothing.

 

You get the picture. You start rewriting the history of your marriage within the context of your current frame of mind. Guess what - they may be doing the same thing and neither of you is probably right about most of it. You are disgruntled and that is the kind of thinking a disgruntled person does.

 

Sometimes a marriage is actually over, I understand that. But more often, I believe that the two people have put their relationship on autopilot for too many years. They stopped the building and growing work they did when the relationship was new and felt of the work of relationship building was done and it was time to coast.

 

When you coast, you begin to drift. When you begin to drift, you lose your sense of direction and you start looking for any port in the storm that seems like it will make you feel happy quickly and won't take a lot of work.

 

You can have an affair. Plenty of people have. They think they are happy because they are shot full of new relationship brain chemicals. Then they feel torn, feel like crap, hurt people they love and wind up worse than before.

 

You can bail. Plenty of people do. But you won't have figured out what was really eating at you and you will just take it with you when you go. You may very likely one day realize that what you left behind needed work, but was really pretty good for you.

 

All machines need maintence and marriage is a machine.

 

Do some reading. Try Mars and Venus in the Bedroom for starters.

Go to marriage counselling and both be honest about how you are feeling.

Try new ideas that offered to you that might alter the current negative dynamic in your marriage.

Be prepared to accept the fact that you may be a guilty of creating a troubled marriage as your spouse and be willing to make changes.

 

This has worked for us and, affair notwithstanding, our marriage is better than it was before.

[General Jack]

Are you using your wife as a scapegoat for your woes?

 

Maybe, whether its fair or not I don't know. But I have explored many many reasons as to why such a level headed, emotionally stable person (myself) could suddenly develop anxiety and depression (both mild with a brief moderate spike). Fact is, almost everything else in my life is perfect, and thats not just fooling myself. Actually, it is frustrating because I wonder why I can have these feelings with everything else going so good.

 

Maybe it's time to shake up your relationship by entering marriage counselling. If one party isn't fulfilled in the relationship, perhaps you need to learn to communicate issues to one another, in the way that hits home for the other spouse. You wife is an overachiever. You enjoy many of her overachieving skills. When those skills are applied towards you, you don't appreciate it.

 

Maybe the two of you need to step back and relax. Of course this probably means that you will lose some perks from her overachieving ways. Are you prepared for that eventuality? Pay to play.

 

Marriage counseling is a possibility. I would be ecstatic if she would step back and relax.

[angie2443]

"My wife has known things aren't right, we have discussed it some. She was very adamant about me getting off the meds, 1) because it did cause some behavioral changes in me, i.e. more testosteronal and 2) because she wants to get pregrent again and is worried about what the meds could do... (even though my doctor says nothing to worry about)."

 

I',m confused (and curious). I've never heard of any drugs for depression and/or anxiety that would make someone more testosteronal. May I ask what the meds were? I hope I'm not getting too personal. If I am, just ignore my post.

[daisygirl]

To those of you for which I didn't respond directly... I appreciate the feedback. It is all welcome and valued.

 

The consensus appears to be not to contact the other woman. I would definitely file this one under the "right thing to do" category (or maybe in this case the "right thing not to do").

 

To briefly play devil's advocate... I don't want to get much into the details other than to say that the other woman lives over a thousand miles away... so the chances of this developing into anything are very remote - and I think I'm being honest with myself in believing that its not what I really want out of seeing her. I almost look at the opportunity as a measuring stick on where I am now compared to nearly a year ago. I am actually happier now than I was last year... and I'm curious to know whether seeing this other woman will make me realize that the fantasy is just that. Of course it could always backfire and reinforce my desire for the attention I don't get in my marriage....

 

Yes, maybe I am only trying to justify something exciting that isn't the right thing... I'm still stuck on determining whether I can talk to the other woman with a clear conscious.

 

I met my OM online and he lives about 700 miles away. Neither of us intended to get feelings involved, but they did. I put most of the blame on myself. I am the one who is married, he was not. He did know that I was married, but still, I am the one who should have never let it go so far. We never met in real life, so that's a good thing. But it started out as me selfishly seeking attention from another man because I wasn't getting it from my husband. The OM responded, started out as flirting here and there. Then it got to the point of long, deep telephone conversations lasting for a few months and him planning our life together! That's when I had to end it. I had to remove myself from the fantasy life I was living, and prevent things from getting even more involved.

[Trialbyfire]

Maybe, whether its fair or not I don't know. But I have explored many many reasons as to why such a level headed, emotionally stable person (myself) could suddenly develop anxiety and depression (both mild with a brief moderate spike). Fact is, almost everything else in my life is perfect, and thats not just fooling myself. Actually, it is frustrating because I wonder why I can have these feelings with everything else going so good.

Sometimes boredom can cause malaise. Have you ever tried individual counseling? It can do wonders, if you're willing to admit and disgorge everything, then working hard on self, to improve.

 

Marriage counseling is a possibility. I would be ecstatic if she would step back and relax.

Then go get MC. Discuss this possibility with your wife, immediately. She probably doesn't understand how serious your malaise is, and how it affects your perception of the marriage.