eeyorefan Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) I've been friends with a girl I've known since 6th grade. Up until about 4 years ago. I could only have ranted and raved about her. She fed me lunches when my mom was abusive and starving me as a child. She listened to years of my bs and was always there, always kind and always sharing. And I reciprocated the same to her. We were truly equal and good friends and it was a healthy relationship, but we were kids. Once out of high school, she went to college 4 hours away and I had a baby. So our lives went in different paths but we talked on the phone every week at least, im'ed all the time on the computer and I went to visit her and she always made time for me when she came back home. After her 4 years of college she moved back to our hometown and she was ready for other things in her life and me too...like dating and getting married. We were both single and ready to mingle. Well I found someone though other friends and we got very serious to the point of being engaged for a while. That is when the trouble started. She was still hitting the bars all weekend long and trying to find the love of her life and I'd found mine at the time. And I couldn't hit the bars with her and she didn't seem to want to do other things. It was a priority she had and I was being left out and I got mad with her and quit talking to her for a year. She wanted nothing to do with my new life b/c it was boring to her. And she wanted her bar friend back for the weekends. So she found new bar friends that led her to other things like pot and eventually a bad boyfriend that was a meth lab cooker at 15, used herion, coke, etc. He got her into pot and coke. She does only pot now but she drinks very heavily and they live in crack alley. (we obviously started talking again because I missed her and our friendship and my engagment ended) So I would still even try to go to her home and spend time with her hoping I could help or just to check and see how she was doing and she almost dragged me down to their level. I finally just told her that I wasn't comfortable at her new house and that I'd still love to be her friend but we'll have to meet up somewhere else other than there and I'd like it to be just us two and not her cracked out boyfriend. Who we all still suspect is using coke. She is blind to him and his faults and her life has become a s*it hole due to her own bad choices and being with him. She has since only talked to me though myspace comments once a month. I'm now married of 2 months. I have a 6 year old child and I can't figure out if the friend I once loved and couldn't imagine not having is gone forever and if I should say see you later one last time. Or is it worth staying in the background in case she needs me and accept the fact she is never there for me, never sees me anymore and is only out for her and her boyfriends gain? Any thoughts guys? I could really use this. We're 26 years old now. And if your opinion is that I should end this and say adios...what are your suggestions on how to do it other than saying you're a drug addict, etc. and I've got to go? Thanks to who reads this. Edited March 6, 2008 by eeyorefan forgot to add a question
Tony T Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I personally write off friends who stray onto paths I'm not comfortable with or who start treating me unkindly and I don't look back. However, I've regretted doing that a few times. There are people who take temporary detours in life because they've got things to learn. The big problem is you never know if somebody's change is temporary or permanent. Generally, in a love situation, a person may change temporarily but eventually see the light and get back to normal. Right now, you don't have a friend. You don't respect her lifestyle, you don't like her guy, you really don't want to be in her presence a whole lot. For now, you should simply pull back and keep minimum contact. Don't cut things off entirely. Should she do so, don't worry...she'll be back. If she is truly your friend, once she comes to her senses she will come begging back your friendship and at that time you can reinstate the bond you once had. However, as a practical matter, as people get older, get married, have children, travel in new social circles, etc., old friendships can really take a beating. It's not a bad thing, it's just what happens.
Author eeyorefan Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 I personally write off friends who stray onto paths I'm not comfortable with or who start treating me unkindly and I don't look back. However, I've regretted doing that a few times. There are people who take temporary detours in life because they've got things to learn. The big problem is you never know if somebody's change is temporary or permanent. Generally, in a love situation, a person may change temporarily but eventually see the light and get back to normal. Right now, you don't have a friend. You don't respect her lifestyle, you don't like her guy, you really don't want to be in her presence a whole lot. For now, you should simply pull back and keep minimum contact. Don't cut things off entirely. Should she do so, don't worry...she'll be back. If she is truly your friend, once she comes to her senses she will come begging back your friendship and at that time you can reinstate the bond you once had. However, as a practical matter, as people get older, get married, have children, travel in new social circles, etc., old friendships can really take a beating. It's not a bad thing, it's just what happens. Thank you very much for your feedback. I think you are really right. She still tries to contact me from time to time, "call me if you need me" but she doesn't really mean it and doesn't have the time to talk or she is high anyway. So I guess it'd be nice to know what to do, ignore, etc when she does contact me while she is still messed up ya know?
roundglass Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Hey.. it sounds like an incredibly valuable friendship. You've been through a lot together and it seems that you two were obviously very tight. I guess you might have to seriously talk to her. I guess it won't be easy and you'll have to be assertive. But at the end of the day, you should try to get her to stop using drugs, and generally live a straight life. It definitely won't be easy, but if you really do put in the effort, and help out through this problem, she will be eternally grateful. If it really is impossible, then I guess you will have to say goodbye. Just be honest I guess, or slowly cut her out.. talk a little less each month. Think, and choose wisely. You won't want to heavily regret anything for the rest of your life. Afterall, she is potentially your best friend for life.
Author eeyorefan Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 Hey.. it sounds like an incredibly valuable friendship. You've been through a lot together and it seems that you two were obviously very tight. I guess you might have to seriously talk to her. I guess it won't be easy and you'll have to be assertive. But at the end of the day, you should try to get her to stop using drugs, and generally live a straight life. It definitely won't be easy, but if you really do put in the effort, and help out through this problem, she will be eternally grateful. If it really is impossible, then I guess you will have to say goodbye. Just be honest I guess, or slowly cut her out.. talk a little less each month. Think, and choose wisely. You won't want to heavily regret anything for the rest of your life. Afterall, she is potentially your best friend for life. Well I have spoken with her in the past. And she feels that pot isn't that bad. She could be doing worse things. She doesn't feel it is affecting her life. And that she'll quit when she feels she is too old to do it. Excuses like that. And now that she is living with this guy and my husband and I feel he is using cocaine behind her back...and he has gotten her to try it several months ago that she's entered the bowels of hell with this guy and her plans to "return" back to normal are going if not gone down the drain. I've been doing the talking a little less each month, no so much as to cut her out yet but because it hurts so much to talk to her. Just wanted to add that I have spoken to her about this and in the past she'd listen to me and now she is not. She won't listen to anyone but her drug dealers and other drug addicted friends. It is heartbreaking.
roundglass Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Have you made a decision of exactly what to do?
Author eeyorefan Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 Have you made a decision of exactly what to do? Well not officially. But I think I am going to talk to her one last time. And see if I can make any progress with her. Tell her to call me when she's clean if she won't stop. And go on with my life and when that call comes one day, which I hope it does that she needs help. I'll be there ya know?
roundglass Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Hey man... at the best to you. I hope this problem eventually does eventually reach a positive solution. I really hope she eventually realizes who her true friends are, and the ones she's with now are not going to lead to anything good. Sorry to hear about this.
shanny Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I think she needs you more than ever right now... I wouldn't write her off. Good friends are so hard to come by these days and you guys have a lot of history. So she's really dead set on this guy huh? Does she realize what he is doing to her or is she really blind to the whole situation. That would be very sad if she was. You know her so well... how can you open her eyes to what is really going on? She can't go on like that forever. Hopefully some day she will realize what harm he has caused her. I'm sure you will be there to pick up the pieces. It's great that you care about her so much. Good luck to both of you.
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