Commitmentphobia

[underpants]

I sometimes wonder about commitment phobia, in that they say that people with it, just haven't found the right person.

• Historical situations like your ex, which cause people to resist or become overly nervous about entering or being in relationships.

Are commitment phobes perfectionists?

 

That reason rings true to me. As much as we put the past behind us, it is part of our experiences and shapes our future interactions.

 

Obviously I have this to some degree. You don't get to 38 and single without having to face that you have contributed to your status on some levels.

 

If I had a dollar for everytime I've heard the "you just haven't found the right person"

 

I used to really want commitment and the life together thing with a beautiful (to me) best friend and ... the two kids, white picket fence, animals and a garden and all that jazz.

 

After trying and failing a few times, it becomes increasingly difficult to believe in it any longer.

 

Not that I don't see it and appreciate it when others' attain a beautiful partnership.

[DanielMadr]

I think you could say I'm commitmentphobic. The whole concept of marriage seems unnecessary to me. Even when I was married I had one foot out the door the whole time. There came a time when even the sound of my exH breathing next to me made my skin crawl. In my past there were a lot of purely sexual relationships that did not involve commitment.

 

I remember once I was dating this poor guy, all he wanted was for me to have dinner with his parents. His dad called me to make plans and I totally bailed. I made a bunch of excuses why I couldn't make it then I dumped the guy.

 

Mine has to do with relinquishing freedom, I suppose...I had a great relationship with my Dad. Even though he's passed, I love him still and I talk to him in my head on a regular basis. He was a fantastic father, always there for me, never yelled at me or raised a hand in anger.

 

Did he acknowledged you as women?

[audrey_1]

That reason rings true to me. As much as we put the past behind us, it is part of our experiences and shapes our future interactions.

 

Not that I don't see it and appreciate it when others' attain a beautiful partnership.

 

My parents were married and divorced from each other not once, but TWICE. Married 19 years, divorced three, remarried one year, then married other people shortly after that divorce. My dad and step-M just got divorced after ten years, my mom and step-d are perfection.

 

Perhaps this shaped my relationship history; I probably am a perfectionist. In my job, I'm forced to be, so it could've spilled over into my personal life from habit, or it could be a childhood thing, or both.

 

And I definitely appreciate when I see my friends who are in healthy, thriving relationships without jealousy.

[DanielMadr]

Yes, I agree with you otter. Is marriage really necessary? As an independent female, I don't really NEED a man, though I may want one (for a time). The "relinquishing freedom" thing is huge for me. Excellent way of phrasing it. My dad pushed me to do and be more from a young age; he's a very strong figure, and maybe somehow, I don't think men along the way have measured up. I dunno.

 

Yes it is necessary for having children. If dont want any. It has no use except someone will call you an ambulance when your head falls to porridge.

[blind_otter]

Did he acknowledged you as women?

 

I'm sorry, what? I don't understand the Q....

[DanielMadr]

If this question is for me, the answer is yes, probably a little too much...

 

Simultaneously, I prefer pre-emption over being hurt.

 

The two can co-exist.

 

Then you dont. You cant love someone who you dont trust. And you dont trust yourself, you will be able to cope with rejection, failure or whatever. Just a thought.

[blind_otter]

Yes it is necessary for having children.

 

I got pregnant fine without being married. Marriage is not a necessary pre-requisite for reproducing.

[DanielMadr]

If this question is for me, the answer is yes, probably a little too much...

 

Simultaneously, I prefer pre-emption over being hurt.

 

The two can co-exist.

 

I would say your fear sabotages your chances....pre-emptive way.

[DanielMadr]

I got pregnant fine without being married. Marriage is not a necessary pre-requisite for reproducing.

 

But for nurturing children. They need both gender examples. Psychologists are quite strict about that. You can compensate it however. Involve uncles, grandfather etc.

[blind_otter]

But for nurturing children. They need both gender examples. Psychologists are quite strict about that. You can compensate it however. Involve uncles, grandfather etc.

 

Well my SO is there with me the whole way. It's not like marriage forces people to be there with their spouse for the whole parenting thing. I've known many a child who had an absent father in their life.

[Kamille]

Then you dont. You cant love someone who you dont trust. And you dont trust yourself, you will be able to cope with rejection, failure or whatever. Just a thought.

 

I totally agree with this. I think when we act preemptively, we act because of the fear that we won't be strong enough to cope with failure.

 

But for nurturing children. They need both gender examples. Psychologists are quite strict about that. You can compensate it however. Involve uncles, grandfather etc.

 

But I disagree with this. Pyschologist argue about what gender is anyways. I believe it is a social construct, not a naturally given categoory.

 

Do you mean to say that you are opposed to same sex-couples having children? Or that all children raised by single moms are therefore deficient?

 

Not to mention that a lot of heterosexual couples decide to have children but to not get married, such as is the case for BO and her bf.

[DanielMadr]

Well my SO is there with me the whole way. It's not like marriage forces people to be there with their spouse for the whole parenting thing. I've known many a child who had an absent father in their life.

 

When they are responsible, then yes it helps to keep them around.

 

And I bet they had quite a few problems because of the absent father. Especially when they are boys.

[DanielMadr]

I totally agree with this. I think when we act preemptively, we act because of the fear that we won't be strong enough to cope with failure.

 

 

 

But I disagree with this. Pyschologist argue about what gender is anyways. I believe it is a social construct, not a naturally given categoory.

 

Do you mean to say that you are opposed to same sex-couples having children? Or that all children raised by single moms are therefore deficient?

 

Not to mention that a lot of heterosexual couples decide to have children but to not get married, such as is the case for BO and her bf.

 

Feminist psychologist argue what gender is. Others (the real ones with no agenda) are quite sure. Why? Because of hormones. They rule the development, wiring, brain everything. And both genders have different levels. They did some studies with girls undergoing testosterone treatment for sex change. They find themselves changing mentally - they found it hard to identify their emotions etc.

 

We are equal but we are not the same.

 

Same couples are maybe better then institutions. That all I know about it.

 

No not all single mom raised children are deficiant. But most of kids who have problems have they because of absent father or deficiant father or any parent.

You wrote about your ex and his struggle with divorce of his parents havent you?

 

Im going home. Looking for your reply. Good night all

[DanielMadr]

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