Kamille Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 This is a spin off another thread, where Danielmdr and I were discussing our own experiences with commitmentphobia, as commitmentphobes or as the partner in a relationship with a commitmentphobe. So to start the discussion , what have been your experiences with commitmentphobia? Also, a question I was asking Daneilmdr: did anything happen in your past? My first boyfriend was a self-admitted commitment phobe but his past explained it in great part. My ex's mom left him, his dad and his two brothers when he was 6 years old. She didn't have the financial means for custody at first (as she chose to go back to school) and then felt like it would be unfair to destroy the stability the boys had come to know with their dad. I think though, that my ex might have felt like she had betrayed him and also might have integrated a lot of stereotypes about "women" as a general category from his dad (who, although he was a great man, sprouted out stereotypes about women all the time). To top it all off, when ex and I were together, we found out that his dad was getting divorced a second time because his wife cheated on him. I mean, I think I stuck it out a bit because he had good reasons to afraid or relationship.
amaysngrace Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Hey Kamille. I'm one. But of course I would be. What aren't I? I can see where he'd be afraid to get close. His mom leaving probably makes it hard for him to think he's worthy of having a female get close to him. So he pushes away before he can get rejected. I'm not sure what you've decided to do but if you do decide to stay with him he will need a whole lot of reassurance.
Author Kamille Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Hey Kamille. I'm one. But of course I would be. What aren't I? I can see where he'd be afraid to get close. His mom leaving probably makes it hard for him to think he's worthy of having a female get close to him. So he pushes away before he can get rejected. I'm not sure what you've decided to do but if you do decide to stay with him he will need a whole lot of reassurance. You're a commitmentphobe? Truth be told, so am I... And yes it does figure doesn't it? But I want to be specific, the ex that I am talking about in this thread is my first bf ever. We ended things in 2002. I was tired of doing all the relationship work and of feeling unimportant and invisible. No, my current bf and I are giving it a go. So, yup, he no longer qualitifes as ex. And he is far from being a commitment-phobe.
amaysngrace Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 But I want to be specific, the ex that I am talking about in this thread is my first bf ever. We ended things in 2002. I was tired of doing all the relationship work and of feeling unimportant and invisible. Oh so that's how it feels being on the other side...sucky. No, my current bf and I are giving it a go. So, yup, he no longer qualitifes as ex. And he is far from being a commitment-phobe. I am happy if you are happy. Better brace yourself girl. But if he is truly worth it to you then the effort you put into it will be worth it to you too.
Author Kamille Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 I am happy if you are happy. Better brace yourself girl. But if he is truly worth it to you then the effort you put into it will be worth it to you too. I'm a bit weary to be honest. I think the crisis emerged because I wanted to hang on to 'us' as a perfect couple. Now reality is kicking in. I still love him though and it was - and still is- a very humbling lesson for me.
DanielMadr Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Oh Yeah I have my own thread, sort of But Im nto Danielmdr, godaimt. Ive read a book "Anatomy of Love" by Guy something-french-canadian. He suggests Son-Mother or Son-Father And Daughter-Mother or Daughter-Father relationship is very important for how one is perceiving relationships with opposite sex. And it is quite problematic to broke the bad spell. And I believe fear is the key factor in this as always. Brain does everything to avoid the pain it once experienced or which it expects to happen (ego protection). In protecting itself the brain can go to extremes of panic attacks or it develops to another on first sight unrelated phobia or it end up as herpes or diarhea. Unconsciously blocking you into entering a relationship. It needs some good self induced mental slapping to let go of the brains ego-protecting mode and be more casual and laid back about things, more careless. Another interesting information. We often pick our partners similar to our opposite sex parent....because we want to recreate the atmosphere of childhood or we subconsiously want to "repair it" or to punish the bad one.
fray718 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 You know, I think I might be one. When I'm with my bf, I want to break up with him but when I'm actually broken up with him, I want him back! This push and pull is a bit commitment phobic don't you think? The brain sure works in mysterious ways...
Ariadne Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 My first boyfriend was a self-admitted commitment phobe but his past explained it in great part. He's probably married by now. Do you know? The only guys that I know are commitment phobes are the ones that don't like women.
DanielMadr Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 O.K. We should stop sticking labels to everything. These 5 lebels will be enough: D*cks Pus*ys As*holes Homos Str8s
Trialbyfire Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Kamille, I sometimes wonder about commitment phobia, in that they say that people with it, just haven't found the right person. In so many ways, I do agree with this but then, there's always a number of other elements that factor into it:Historical situations like your ex, which cause people to resist or become overly nervous about entering or being in relationships.Issues with relinquishing freedom to a degree, thus losing control over a portion of one's life.Not liking, valuing, trusting or respecting the opposite gender.Situational difficulties like one person moving away or being at a distance.Are commitment phobes perfectionists?
DanielMadr Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 He's probably married by now. Do you know? The only guys that I know are commitment phobes are the ones that don't like women. I know what you mean. I use this card to reject some without pain. But you also should know that the scale is wide. From pathological-woman-haters to tingling-in-genitals-every-time-strange-female-goes-around type of men.
DanielMadr Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Are commitment phobes perfectionists? Or are they perfectionists because they know it will sabotage their chances?
Author Kamille Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 O.K. We should stop sticking labels to everything. These 5 lebels will be enough: D*cks Pus*ys As*holes Homos Str8s Did I miss something? Which label is it that you want to contest? Commitmentphobe? Are commitment phobes perfectionists? Yeah maybe. I know I got nabbed with the label myself a few times. Not by men though, but by my girlfriend who have seen me dump guys for minor Seinfeld-esque details. I always thought that when I met the right guy, all that would go away. And it did in a way, when I met my (current) bf (not the commitmentphobe mentionned in my first post). Even though I think the issues we are facing now is me struggling with accepting someone in all his humanity versus going back to what I know best: a lonely life, free of compromise. Right now I am seeing that even though single is comfortable, being transformed by a relationship can also be quite rewarding. Maybe we all have a problem entering relationships? I mean, this is going to sound quite freudian of me, but maybe deep down relationships are hard to enter into because they prompts us to question ourselves. They do transform us and some of us are more resistant to the transformations then others.
Author Kamille Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 He's probably married by now. Do you know? The only guys that I know are commitment phobes are the ones that don't like women. Why yes he is Ariadne. He is married to a woman who simply would never take any of his commitmentphobic crap. She even forced a pregnancy on him and he is such a great guy that he is facing his fears to remain in his family. He does have 'commitment' crisis once in awhile though. I just never could have put up with that much instability.
DanielMadr Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 They do transform us and some of us are more resistant to the transformations then others. Actually we see in our partners the bad things that are bad about us the most.
Author Kamille Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Actually we see in our partners the bad things that are bad about us the most. Cup half empty? They also bring out the best in us.
Author Kamille Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Actually we see in our partners the bad things that are bad about us the most. Wait a sec! So what if you worked on accepting and loving yourself, flaws and all? Would that make you a better partner?
DanielMadr Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Cup half empty? They also bring out the best in us. You cant mix depressive cocaine snorter Freud with some taoist woodoo here. It just isnt fair!
Author Kamille Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 You cant mix depressive cocaine snorter Freud with some taoist woodoo here. It just isnt fair! I can never commit to a single theory... I am a theoretical philanderer.
DanielMadr Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Wait a sec! So what if you worked on accepting and loving yourself, flaws and all? Would that make you a better partner? Definetely. Love others as you love YOURSELF. Loving yourself is quite important. If you dont love yourself how can you love others? *ping* Jesus H. Christ was quite a brain. Of course one has to see oneself clearly without ego-protecting-fog, he should see his image in the waters of mind undisturbed etc etc. It is the purpose of meditation btw. and psychotherapy. Know who you are, defeat the flaws you can and accept the others. Of course when one is an assh*le and loves it, it creates f@ck all, not good relationship.
audrey_1 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Yeah, the commitment-phobic definition. I contemplate this probably on a daily basis. It's been just over a year since breaking my engagement. I've been in relationships that lasted four years or more, but when there came time for a solid label, I bailed. My current situation is a 180 degree flip. I'm crazy about him, but he keeps saying we're casual, we're casual, non-exclusive. It's been frustrating for me, because I want to be with him, but now I know how all my exes feel about MY behavior. Anyway, I've gone NC with this guy, anyway, because FWB isn't for me, but the fact remains that even if he did want to be with me and admitted it whole heartedly, I would probably bail...
DanielMadr Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Yeah, the commitment-phobic definition. I contemplate this probably on a daily basis. It's been just over a year since breaking my engagement. I've been in relationships that lasted four years or more, but when there came time for a solid label, I bailed. My current situation is a 180 degree flip. I'm crazy about him, but he keeps saying we're casual, we're casual, non-exclusive. It's been frustrating for me, because I want to be with him, but now I know how all my exes feel about MY behavior. Anyway, I've gone NC with this guy, anyway, because FWB isn't for me, but the fact remains that even if he did want to be with me and admitted it whole heartedly, I would probably bail... Do you love yourself?
audrey_1 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 If this question is for me, the answer is yes, probably a little too much... Simultaneously, I prefer pre-emption over being hurt. The two can co-exist.
blind_otter Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I think you could say I'm commitmentphobic. The whole concept of marriage seems unnecessary to me. Even when I was married I had one foot out the door the whole time. There came a time when even the sound of my exH breathing next to me made my skin crawl. In my past there were a lot of purely sexual relationships that did not involve commitment. I remember once I was dating this poor guy, all he wanted was for me to have dinner with his parents. His dad called me to make plans and I totally bailed. I made a bunch of excuses why I couldn't make it then I dumped the guy. Mine has to do with relinquishing freedom, I suppose...I had a great relationship with my Dad. Even though he's passed, I love him still and I talk to him in my head on a regular basis. He was a fantastic father, always there for me, never yelled at me or raised a hand in anger.
audrey_1 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Yes, I agree with you otter. Is marriage really necessary? As an independent female, I don't really NEED a man, though I may want one (for a time). The "relinquishing freedom" thing is huge for me. Excellent way of phrasing it. My dad pushed me to do and be more from a young age; he's a very strong figure, and maybe somehow, I don't think men along the way have measured up. I dunno.
Recommended Posts