Old Man Romantic Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Ok so here's my deal. I am only 23 years old. I'm young, stupid and completely lost. But I'm struggling with issues that will eventually lead me to be a better man. I have full perspective of my situation but even still, I don't understand why my ex-girlfriend won't give me a second chance. We'd been together for nearly 2 years. I met her in college during my junior year. She's 2 years younger than myself, and, consequently I graduated college first. I'm from Seattle, she's from Salinas, California, but we both went to school in California. When I graduated I got a job offer in Colorado. We talked about it a little and she agreed that Colorado was a place she could end up. But she wasn't being honest with herself. Californians have a tendancy to stay in Califonria and although she wanted to be with me, she wanted to be in Cali with her family more. I can't blame her for not being truthful to herself. In reality, I don't think she even knew. So anyways, we started struggling when I started to realize this. I also started hating the job I came out here for. So she started supporting me unconditionally. But I stopped supporting her. Eventually, she got tired of it and reached out to tell me. But I was so unhappy that I couldn't see it. We had a few fights, nothing too serious. I said some things I shouldn't have or that were mis-interpretted and around new years we split. But the day afterwards, I knew it was a mistake. I started desperately trying to tell her I understood, I'd learned, I'd changed. But she ignored all forms of contact. She closed off her heart and left mine gasping for air. I poured my heart out for her in letters, emails, text messages. I sent flowers, pictures, collages. All the schmoopy stuff that love makes us do. Yet she was silent and cold hearted. This is where my problems starts. I talked to her this evening after 2 months of pleading. I was trying to understand why she was so cold, when she stopped loving me, and why there was no second chance. I know she loved me and the relationship we had; she knows I've learned from my mistakes and changed as a result; yet she still denies reconciliation. I have promised her I'd quit my unsatisfying job and move back to California to start a supremely happy life together. She doesn't blink. I am a romantic. I have lost love before but i've chalked it up to being young. Now that I've lost my second love, I have a hard time knowing she's "the one" but not being able to be with her. She is not a romantic though. I hurt her so she closed herself off to any feelings or emotions. She was able to move on so quickly because she only dealt with half the problem. Here I am with a broken heart, crying my eyes out on the keyboard, yet I feel bad for her. I feel bad that she can't feel anymore, and even worse that I did it to her. I wish so bad that I could touch her heart for just a moment. I have a feeling that's all it would take. But knowing how strong she is, I don't expect her to change. I have the dream, but I have no hope that we will get back together. My logical side tells me I must move on, but my heart tells me I'm lying to myself, just as she is. "If we admit that human life can be controlled by reason, life is destroyed." So how do I accept that logic conquers love? Especially when I don't want to accept it. And on the wishful side of things, how do you reach a woman's heart when she's locked it somewhere deep inside?
e.clipse Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 waitaminute--what did you do to make her breakup with you? i don't see that you did anything wrong, per se, in your post; is there more to it than what you wrote in your OP? you say that she started supporting you, but in what way? emotionally, because you were unhappy with your new move and job? and what do you mean by "i stopped supporting her"? does this mean that you were distant/cold/unloving to her? and about your small fights, what were they about? did they have any relation to the physical distance between you two? i know these are a lot of questions, but to be honest i can't see why you two broke up; it's as though nothing really "happened" to warrant a breakup, in a way. the way it looks to me right now is that she is young and thus decided that she was not ready for a LDR. from your OP, it seems as though she just had a sudden change of heart--so maybe this was in the works, but you just failed to notice.
Geishawhelk Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 My logical side tells me I must move on, but my heart tells me I'm lying to myself, just as she is. "If we admit that human life can be controlled by reason, life is destroyed." So how do I accept that logic conquers love? Especially when I don't want to accept it. I don't know where you got your quotation from, but Reason and Logic are Natural defence mechanisms. You're utilising them (in this specific instance) to bring about a comprehensible explanation for what has happened... However, Love - and other emotions - are also all a part of being a human being. it depends whether you are willing to see them as transitory and manufactured by your mind... which they are. so the question should be: Am I going to permit a projection of my mind rule me, or am I going to regain control?" And on the wishful side of things, how do you reach a woman's heart when she's locked it somewhere deep inside? Only from you. you're just not who she wants to be with. it may be 'locked inside' but only because she has denied you personally, the key.
justaman99 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 We had a few fights, nothing too serious. I said some things I shouldn't have or that were mis-interpretted What does this mean? What happened? be honest if you want an honest answer. When girls are tuned out or confused showering them with poems, flowers texts and everything else is bad, bad, bad. They suffocate. You need to simply say "I'm sorry and if you want to talk you know where to find me". Let her be in her own space for awhile. Do it now! and in time she'll have thought and felt it all through and she'll call you. She needs to clear her head. -Justaman99
Author Old Man Romantic Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 There is not one reason we broke up. There are many. Yes I was cold and distant. Yes the distance pulled us apart. But really at the base of it, we came upon this ultumatum situation. She decided that she wasn't going to move out here because I was hurting her. Since I was oblivious to the way I was treating her, I took it as her decision to be in California over me. So when we had our final discussion, I was forced with the decision to leave Colorado for her. And I couldn't do it. I couldn't make a sacrafice for her that she was unwilling to make for me. Yet there was so many more forces behind her decision. Mine was made from pride and pride alone. And yes I know that I need to give her space. I know that if you "really love someone, set them free and if they love you, they'll come back." But I can't help but think that's just a bunch of bullsh*t. Fate shows us to an open door, but it deosnt push us through. Only we can do that. I want so bad to walk through her door and stay there. And I'm willing to give everything to do it.
Geishawhelk Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Just a heads-up.... 'No' in this case, really does mean 'No'. Move on. she won't admire your persistence and your refusal to take a hint. Sorry to be so harsh, but take it on the chin, fellah....
e.clipse Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 And yes I know that I need to give her space. I know that if you "really love someone, set them free and if they love you, they'll come back." But I can't help but think that's just a bunch of bullsh*t. Fate shows us to an open door, but it deosnt push us through. Only we can do that. I want so bad to walk through her door and stay there. And I'm willing to give everything to do it. i understand what you are saying, and believe me: your feelings jump from the page. imagine then, that if i, behind a computer screen can see/feel that, how much more she can. it's not that you aren't trying hard enough--and actually, it doesn't really matter how hard you try or how much you care or what you want, from here on out. she made the choice to leave, for whatever reason, and only she can decide to come back. yes, you can try to pursue her in an attempt to show your love to her, but i think you already have shown her; it's not that she doesn't see it, it's that she chooses to look the other way. i think, honestly, that you have done as much as you can. the rest is up to her, and it has nothing to do with that old adage. the truth is that you can't make love happen; you can't barge in through her door. doing so would only build resentment, and that would really kill any and all future chances. you can keep knocking, though. but it's up to her to open up. i'd suggest you knock once more and then just leave a note.
norajane Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 It may be small comfort now, but there is no 'the one'. There are many people you will meet during your lifetime who could be someone you could happily end up with. It's a matter of making it work because both of you choose to. And she's chosen not to, so she is not 'the one' you will end up with. It hurts now, and I'm sorry you are having to feel this and go through it, but believe me, when you feel that magic with someone else, someone who makes you feel like Superman, someone whose eyes and voice light up around you, you'll know that this ex was not right for you. Neither you nor your ex are the same people you were back in college. Both of you have changed, and at your age, you will have many changes, much growth in the coming years. You will meet someone who is your match and who fits in your life much better. Things have a way of working out for the best in the end...your problem is you can't see the end right now and can't see that this ending was the right next step. It frees you to be yourself and find someone who is a better fit for you...someone who chooses to do the hard work a long term relationship requires.
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