Owl Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 MadameX...I hear you. No pressure, but I would like you to think about something today...I heard those EXACT same words from my wife at the height of our situation...EXACTLY. She didn't want to be married, regardless of her situation with OM. I didn't pressure her on the subject at the time. But I knew that it was the situation that she was in that was skewing her view on our marriage. Its called "re-writing marital history"...and its very, very common for WS's to do this...even they don't realize that they do it, but its often obvious to others that this is the case. I'm not saying you ARE in this case...I don't know...I don't see your marriage. But, I'm saying that you MIGHT be...and that you won't know for sure without getting a nuetral 3rd party's view of the situation (like an MC). If you don't have any desire to reconcile...why not tell your H about what's gone on? What would you lose?
Owl Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Yes, I would want to know. Because I'd want to know the TRUTH of the situation...because I know VERY WELL how seeing someone else can alter your perception of your spouse and your marriage. If my wife told me today she was leaving...I would want to know if she was seeing someone else...or if she'd been cheating. I'd want to know the TRUTH of what happened...not just part of the deal.
Author madame x Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Those are very good points owl. I'm not leaving my husband until I'm over this and the pain has abated a little. Perhaps at that time I'll be ready to try MC again. I just don't know right now, but you could be right that the affair is skewing my outlook on my marriage. Thank you.
justice Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 I believe in telling the whole truth, not just part of it. It all boils down to owning up and being honest. Simply put, some just can't own up to what they've been doing. You did it, you should own it. JMHO
justice Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 I don't think that 100% honesty is a good thing in situations like this. And there is no one from whom he would hear about the affair. The OM knows none of my friends, or my husband's name, or even where I live. I have told no one in my life about him and vice versa - the OM and I are the only people in the world that know about us. "That you know of." It could happen, don't be too sure. Not saying that to be snarky at all. What if after you split it off with OM if you DO decide to go MC again and decide to try working on your M? Will you be willing to let your husband know the truth then? After all, if you decide to stay, that would be like sweeping the dirt under the rug instead of throwing it away where it belongs. I'm a big advocate of complete and total honesty.
Author madame x Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 I was honestly just thinking that if my husband were cheating and he was leaving that I would definitely NOT want to know. Picturing him with another woman is incredibly painful to me (and, yes, I realize how selfish and horrible that sounds considering that that is what I've done), and it wouldn't help me move on. I'd appreciate it if he lied to me. 1
Author madame x Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 And I do understand that the H could find out. I'm not dumb enough to think that that couldn't happen. I'm no 007.
nadiaj2727 Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 ...the fact that I'm pursuing this affair likely bespeaks something deeply wrong witin me; I get that. Hello Madame X. (By any chance is your username taken from the movie "Sex and Madam X?" I loved that movie in a cheesy way LOL). I really like how you own up to your actions and how you are doing a lot of self-reflection. That is hard to do and I admire you. I haven't read the entire thread yet, but I just wanted to chime in my agreement that you just need to make a clean break with OM. I *know* it's easier said than done, but really your relationship with him is only complicating your life, not improving it. Perhaps you needed to enter into an affair to realize that something *is* "wrong" with you, as you said above. I was the same way. I cheated on my ex-fiance with a married man. Unlike you, I could not tell right away that it was just an adrenaline rush and a self-esteem boost. I thought it was "true love" and that he was my soulmate. I broke up with my ex-fiance with whom I lived, and xOM separated from his wife and we each moved into our own places. You know what? Then reality hit. I was not happy with xMM, I realized he wasn't a great person who treated me well, like my ex-fiance was, he was just a lost, confused and unhappy person who was being selfish... just like me. We each had a hole that we tried to fill with each other. You have the benefit of *knowing* that OM is a fantasy. You're already a step ahead. You also realize that you are looking to fill a hole within yourself. Good for you!!! It took me so long to figure that out. I'm in individual counseling now and it is incredibly helpful and gives me much insight on what is broken within me and how to fix it. I agree with those who have urged you to start it, and also to find your own validation within yourself, instead of turning to a married man when you yourself are married as well. I have found that I have to fix myself before I can truly be happy in *any* relationship. As I grow I feel less guilty and ashamed about my past actions (which was always my biggest stumbling block... being able to forgive myself and realize I deserve a happy future) and I feel more excited about the endless opportunities to share my real and true and happy self with an *available* person who is also real and true and happy. I wish the same for you. As you work on your own issues, you just *may* find out that you are happy with your husband or that there is a way to work it out. Or you can feel strong and happy as you move through the very difficult divorce process, and know that you will find the *right* person for you once it's all done. Best wishes. I admire your honesty and strength.
carhill Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 I was honestly just thinking that if my husband were cheating and he was leaving that I would definitely NOT want to know. Picturing him with another woman is incredibly painful to me (and, yes, I realize how selfish and horrible that sounds considering that that is what I've done), and it wouldn't help me move on. I'd appreciate it if he lied to me. I've also heard this from female friends, some of whom have experienced affairs. I'll have to search historical threads for more details. As I heard it, a male SO/husband pursuing a woman sexually apparently was one thing whereas a bi-directional emotional/physical involvement was a completely different universe. Apparently, the added depth, even if concluded (the affair ended), created such a vivid emotional/mental image that it was deemed better not to know, even if the relationship/marriage didn't work out. Irreparable emotional damage was one description used.
Author madame x Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Nadiaj: I am incredibly grateful for your post. It's really good to hear from someone who's been through this before. And I had imagined me and the OM living together and I realized that I would likely grow tired of him just as I've done with my husband - and in the process we would have destroyed our spouses. That was when I first realized that I was running away from myself, and MY stuff, and not toward something meaningful or healthy. Thank you for your kindness and your thoughtful words. carhill: That's interesting! I hadn't thought that men and women would feel differently. If I may ask, how would you, as a man, feel about knowing about the affair? I said above that I would not want to know. Would you?
nadiaj2727 Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 And bentnotbroken: Say that your husband was going to leave you, and he told you that it was because there was no more communication in your marriage . . . and that he'd been telling you that for years. Say that he had also had an affair that was over and done when he told you that he's leaving. Would you still want to know about it? Seriously? Would any of you? Yes, I would definitely want to know!!! I am trying to be gentle here, so I hope I don't sound too harsh. But I don't think it's fair for you leave and let him think that the only thing wrong with the marriage was HIS lack of communication and his workaholism etc. I think you need to own up and tell him what else is wrong with the marriage now -- YOUR affair. Whether you end up leaving or staying, it's not fair to put all the blame for the problems in the marriage on him now that you are definitely creating more problems in the marriage. I would want to know the WHOLE truth involving my marriage and my divorce. Yes, I would own up to my part in it (lack of communication, workaholism, not trying hard enough, etc.) but I would always wonder, "why now? Is there no hope?" I would want to know the WHOLE story, and if I later found out that my partner left after cheating on me, I would feel like they were a coward for making it sound like all my fault instead of letting me in on what they were doing, too. (Plus, consider this: you may find that if you actually take some action and file for divorce, move out, etc... that will make him wake up and move his butt into gear and he may actually FIGHT to save the marriage that seems important to him, and say "what can I do to fix this?" Then what? If you say "it's too late, there's nothing you can do", then you can't really put all the blame on him, because at least he's finally recognizing the problem and trying... albeit very late in the game. To be honest, you would have to say "I realized that there was no hope left when I started to have an affair and you didn't notice." If you are honest with YOURSELF, you have to recognize that your affair *is* a factor in your decision to get divorced -- you said it yourself when you said you knew what you had to do after seeing your husband's lack of interest when you are involved in an affair. So I think after so many years of being your best friend and husband, he deserves to know the full truth of what exactly is wrong in your marriage and why you want to divorce him.
MarriedLife Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 I do get a great amount of selfish enjoyment from this man. I like the fluttery feelings of newness and excitement. I get off on the idea of sneaking around. I enjoy doing something that anyone who knows me would find utterly shocking. In a way I feel reborn. I think breaking it off will be very tough to do because of the above statement. I don't see you stopping the affair anytime soon because you've already written off your marriage so what would be the payoff in ending something that feels good? It's only going to get steamier and you'll remain in an "affair fog" until the honeymoon period is over.
Owl Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 MadameX, I'm sure you've figured out by now that affairs are ADDICTIONS. Just saying "I'm going NC" often isn't nearly enough. What's your PLAN for remaining NC? I know that you don't intend to tell your H anything, but I'm going to give you some more to think about. Remember my story as you read this. Part of what's about to happen when you go NC is that you're going to go into withdrawls. I mentioned that the affair is an addiction...you're going to be like a junkie who just went 'cold turkey'. Only the effects are going to be emotional, instead of physical (for the most part). And they are going to be PROFOUND. You're going to be crying all the time. You're going to be lost in thought, pining for what you're missing. Very likely, you're going to become apathetic for a while, and want to do nothing more than to lay down and wallow in your pain. How do you propose to hide all of this from your H? I will tell you point blank that he's going to know that SOMETHING is going on. SOMETHING massive has changed, and he's going to start looking for explanations when you either tell him nothing or give him a story that doesn't add up. You'd be BEST served by sitting down with your H...TODAY...and telling him the whole truth of what's happened. And explain to him that you're ending it with OM...TODAY. Ask your H for his help in getting through the next few weeks. He's going to be FURIOUS, hurt more than you've ever seen. BUT YOU NEED TO REALIZE THAT THIS WAS INEVITABLE SINCE YOU STARTED THE AFFAIR. ITS GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH TELLING HIM...ITS GOT EVERYTHING TO DO WITH CHEATING ON HIM But the odds are high he's going to want to forgive you and work through this. Use this to have him help you be strong when you can't be. Ask him to take whatever steps you think he needs to take to help you stay strong. Take away your cell phone. Shut off the internet in the house, or password it. Give him all your email/IM passwords. USE HIM TO BREAK ANY POTENTIAL LINES OF COMMUNICATION WITH OM. This will also help you focus on fixing your marriage (or at least seeing if that's possible) and take some of your focus off the loss of the affair. I know you don't want to do this...I really do. I also know that its the best thing that you CAN do in this situation. Trust me. I know what I went through nursing my wife through her withdrawls. I know what it took for me to ensure that NC was established. I know that a large part of the reason we recovered was because I was always there for her through all of that. Give him the chance to do the same.
Jess-Belle Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Say that your husband was going to leave you, and he told you that it was because there was no more communication in your marriage . . . and that he'd been telling you that for years. Say that he had also had an affair that was over and done when he told you that he's leaving. Would you still want to know about it? Seriously? Would any of you? I hope I don't cause a commotion by saying this, but no, I wouldn't want to know. Maybe because I already know what it feels like. I wish I didn't even know about this one. Even though I do believe that everything coming out into the open was necessary for myself, and my relationship, to be reborn, part of me still longs for my old self that was innocent to this pain. That is gone forever. This is seared into my mind and heart. The rebirth was beautiful, but I still have nightmares about the death. Madam X, I just wanted to touch on something twice shy said. Think well about whether you can stop your cheating behavior without admitting to it. Getting caught out was what truly helped to end it for me at least. Because then I truly was forced to face what I was doing, and not just in the safety of my own thoughts...
MarriedLife Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Part of what's about to happen when you go NC is that you're going to go into withdrawls. I mentioned that the affair is an addiction...you're going to be like a junkie who just went 'cold turkey'. Only the effects are going to be emotional, instead of physical (for the most part). And they are going to be PROFOUND. So true!!! But her hubby might not be tuned in enough to read her emotions and start asking questions. Madame X the withdrawl period will be very tough. You may start the N/C but it will not last. What is the incentive? You're planning to divorce your husband anyway. It will only end when there is no more payoff.
Author madame x Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Thanks for the further replies everyone. I really am torn now about whether to tell H about the A. Owl, I'm very grateful for all that you've said and you've given me a LOT to think about. Perhaps you are right. I'm really going to need to give it some thought. I told OM today that it was over. He didn't react well at all. I didn't react too well myself. I'm not in love with him exactly but with the feelings that I had about being in something so new. But I'm not sure how this is going to work. I'm just miserable right now, like a part of me has been cut out.
justice Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Thanks for the further replies everyone. I really am torn now about whether to tell H about the A. Owl, I'm very grateful for all that you've said and you've given me a LOT to think about. Perhaps you are right. I'm really going to need to give it some thought. I told OM today that it was over. He didn't react well at all. I didn't react too well myself. I'm not in love with him exactly but with the feelings that I had about being in something so new. But I'm not sure how this is going to work. I'm just miserable right now, like a part of me has been cut out. It will take awhile but as long as you are candid with yourself and no longer in "the fog" you will heal eventually. I just hope you'll consider doing the right things at the right times. Good Luck
Jess-Belle Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 I told OM today that it was over. He didn't react well at all. I didn't react too well myself. I'm not in love with him exactly but with the feelings that I had about being in something so new. But I'm not sure how this is going to work. I'm just miserable right now, like a part of me has been cut out. That is great madame x, you did the right thing. I know it's very hard right now but you will feel so much stronger once you start overcoming this. Post whenever you need support, there are those of us on here who understand exactly how you feel.
georgia girl Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 First, I empathize with you. There's nothing lonelier in the world than being with someone you don't really love and having him/her love you completely. You feel trapped by someone else's emotions. Now, for tough love. Here's what I think you already know: 1) Dump the OM. It's not right and what you get out of it emotionally is killing you spiritually. You say it yourself. This can only spiral out of control in a bad way. 2) Leave your husband. Doing things the right way will - in the long run - make you feel good about yourself. 3) Learn to stand on your own two feet. Be first, a person. Don't need anyone else for awhile. Make decisions for yourself, clean up all of your own messes, come home to an empty house at night and entertain yourself. Only when you are a whole person can you figure out what you really want. Chances are... it's neither of them. At that point, you can get on to the better part of your life.
StrongGirl924 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I totally understand where you are coming from. I too, am having an affair for the same reasons you are. I also, don't think the sex is great or close to being great. It's so much better with my husband. I also enjoy being with the OM and can't seem to break away even though I've broken up with him 4 times in 7 months of seeing each other. Who am I to give advice? I just want you to know, you are not alone and I hope you and I both find what we need to get out of these relationships. Don't tell your husband. That will only make things worse.
Sal Paradise Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Don't tell your husband. That will only make things worse. God forbid someone take responsibility for their actions or even worse - "face the consequences".
45Reverse Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Thank you all so much for your input. That said, I fundamentally respect my husband's feelings and his masculinity, despite my actions, there is no way that he will find out about my affair (for which I am infinitely grateful) and I do not intend to ever tell him. That's just chicken$hit...and you know it.
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