I'm cheating and I don't know how to stop...

[angelj]

I found your thread to be intriguing as well...and I enjoy reading your responses, as you do seem level-headed and accepting of your actions.

 

The justifying stuff really gets old.

 

Anyhoo - I did want to offer this little bit of advice...when I have had to "let people go" in the past (OW/EA what have you) I tell myself (repeatedly) "I was fine before you and I will be fine again without you.."

 

or something along those lines...

 

Basically, I just try to remind myself that hey before homeboy, I was me and I was damn good at me. So, you too can be ok once again. Yes, it seemed as though nothing was missing before he was there. Well guess what, it wasn't! Your infatuation with one another creates a chemical romance if you will..exciting, elusive, sneaky, threatening, blah blah blah (you are fully aware of this) It's like riding a roller coaster or hitting that 3 pointer at the sound of the buzzer to win the game! woohoo what a rush! And I don't think you will be able to want to initiate NC...it is a choice and a decision you must force upon yourself. Sort of like a new exercise/fitness/nutrition routine. Most of us don't want to do it, in fact it PAINS us to do it, but once you get past those first few initial painful weeks, it feels pretty good. It might not be what you wanted, but it becomes a lifestyle. A healthy lifestyle at that. And you are thankful you pushed through the pain.

 

This is tough. You can do it!

[LakesideDream]

After reading the OP I didn't want to finish reading this thread but I did. I'm in a very "non-judgemental" time right now, and would rather keep it that way, but this is just over the top. You are with your Husband for 15 years, married 8.

 

His Major Felony in life is being a good provider, working to hard. You have no children and never will.

 

Why no children? You married in your 20's.

 

Is it possible (or even probable) that your husband is looking for, or trying to build a legacy? Something to fill his life script out into an interesting movie?

 

Would you prefer that he was like many husbands here, under achievers, moochers, living off a woman instead of creating himself? Or an abuser maybe? Or how about a Gambler or Alky?

 

Doesen't your husband deserve the respect and courtesy to know why his wife has decided to open her heart, legs, and orifices to a young married guy she met online? Your misdeeds have not been as minor as his. He works to hard, you screw another guy behind his back. Where is the equity there?

 

Walk away from everything. The house, the cars, the 401k, the retirement... the whole mess and start over yourself. Leave him with his pride, and his legacy. He's playing by the rules. You may not like the results but he's living honorably, just not to your liking.

 

Or... do what everyone does (including me,) lie, cheat, steal, hide and generally act as selfish as you need to. Accomplish your goals at the expense of your husband. After all everyone does it.

[malaclypse]

I don't need to, the minute she decided to have another man **** her is the miniute that any love for her husband left.

 

Now shes just trying to avoid any type of blame.

 

Life's so simple and easy in black-and-white world... =/

[justice]

I can give you the advice you are seeking but you may not like what you read. You do need to come clean with your husband. Lay everything bare and get it out on the table. He has a right to know all of this. Until you are completely honest with him, nothing is ever going to be right. You say you are divorcing right? Why not take a break from both men altogether and focus on who you really are, instead of having things so complicated by having both of them?

[madame x]

Now, that is the longest post I've given anyone in a long time. I wish you well.

 

I'm grateful for your thoughtful post cobra. Everything that you wrote is true and something that I need to work on. Thanks again.

[madame x]

After reading the OP I didn't want to finish reading this thread but I did. I'm in a very "non-judgemental" time right now, and would rather keep it that way, but this is just over the top. You are with your Husband for 15 years, married 8.

 

His Major Felony in life is being a good provider, working to hard. You have no children and never will.

 

Why no children? You married in your 20's.

 

Is it possible (or even probable) that your husband is looking for, or trying to build a legacy? Something to fill his life script out into an interesting movie?

 

I'm not even sure that these are really even questions but I did want to reply to you (and thank you for yours!).

 

-I am NOT playing tit for tat and blaming my husband - our "sins" aren't comparable, and if they were I know that mine is far greater. I was merely giving some background on my marriage.

 

-Not having children is a choice that both my husband and I made mutually years ago. It's a valid choice that many people make.

 

-I made it clear years ago that I need more from my husband emotionally and that I couldn't be married all by myself. If he's building a legacy then he's doing it without me in his life. He knows this.

 

 

Would you prefer that he was like many husbands here, under achievers, moochers, living off a woman instead of creating himself? Or an abuser maybe? Or how about a Gambler or Alky?

 

-I know this is rhetorical but I am not the sort of woman that would ever be with a man like that. I've not been with many men in my life but I tend to choose well.

 

Doesen't your husband deserve the respect and courtesy to know why his wife has decided to open her heart, legs, and orifices to a young married guy she met online? Your misdeeds have not been as minor as his. He works to hard, you screw another guy behind his back. Where is the equity there?.

 

-My thinking was that if our roles were reversed then I would rather not be told about his affair. The pain of the marriage ending would be bad enough.

 

Walk away from everything. The house, the cars, the 401k, the retirement... the whole mess and start over yourself. Leave him with his pride, and his legacy. He's playing by the rules. You may not like the results but he's living honorably, just not to your liking.

 

-Frankly, most of that stuff belongs to me right now. I intend to split everything as equitably as possible and then some. And you are correct that he's living honorably, but I must disagree that he is playing by the rules.

 

Or... do what everyone does (including me,) lie, cheat, steal, hide and generally act as selfish as you need to. Accomplish your goals at the expense of your husband. After all everyone does it.

 

Because everyone has selfish drives and impulses doesn't mean that we want to act on them. I'd like to live honestly. I am really trying.

 

Thanks again for your time and your response.

[madame x]

I can give you the advice you are seeking but you may not like what you read. You do need to come clean with your husband. Lay everything bare and get it out on the table. He has a right to know all of this. Until you are completely honest with him, nothing is ever going to be right. You say you are divorcing right? Why not take a break from both men altogether and focus on who you really are, instead of having things so complicated by having both of them?

 

I honestly don't want to hurt my husband. When I leave it will be because of our communication problems - I'm not leaving for the OM (and don't intend to continue the relationship, that was my original question) so I don't see why he needs to know about that part. Me leaving my husband and me having an affair are two seperate issues.

 

And yes, a break from men is definitely in order. I obviously need some help before I can be a good partner again. I am acting very selfishly and I sincerely don't want to hurt anyone else - anyone deserves better than what I'm doing right now.

 

Thank you for your reply. Everyone has been very helpful here.

[madame x]

And angelj - you are right. Ending this affair is not going to be easy, I just need to do it. Now that I think about it it is very childish of me to expect that any part of this will be easy somehow - or that anyone will have any magic words that will make me want to do it. It's like any other painful thing in life, I can't walk around it . . . I have to walk through it. Thank you for your thoughtful words.

[TechDude]

It's like any other painful thing in life, I can't walk around it . . . I have to walk through it. Thank you for your thoughtful words.

 

It will hurt like hell when you do it, but years down the track, you will be glad you did.

 

Some of the most valuable lessons in life are the ones that hurt the most.

[madame x]

I am just curious but how would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? I assume your husband would not do this because he has too much respect for you and would not wish to put your health at risk for STD's. You claim that your have respect for your husband but your actions say otherwise. In addition, you could care less about the OM's wife.

 

If you really loved and respected your husband, you would have divorced before you engaged in a sexual affair with another man. You don't even care that he is married. You say it would hurt you and absolutely kill your husband if he found out but apparently you have willing to risk exactly that. I am sorry but your words simply do not match your actions. Your husband does not deserve what you are doing and putting him at health risk. You are making a mockery of him and your relationship and hurting the OM's wife as well. Get a divorce and have sex with as many people as you like. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and your actions speak volumes about your lack of respect toward your husband and your marriage. Am I wrong?

 

Sorry Bryanp - I didn't see this post until just now. You are absolutely right on all counts. And I really appreciate your brutal honesty . . . like everyone else I have regrets in my life but this one really takes the cake. I'm deeply ashamed of my actions, I honestly never thought myself capable of doing this. I seriously need to pull my head out.

[John Who]

You are infatuated with the excitment,you love the idea of it being someone NEW.

 

Even though you don't like the sex the whole idea of it being someone new is a high within itself

 

You two have alot to talk about because you just met each other,you can have fun with him and tell him things because you have no history with him.

 

Don't let the infatuation and excitment fool you into thinking he is a special guy.

[Owl]

I haven't read your entire story, I apologize. I'm rushing off for something, but wanted to suggest you read this link...you might find it interesting.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

I'll check back in later to read your thread and answer any questions you might have.

[John Who]

Owl i was reading you post,and i hate to take away from the topic here but i had a ea on my wife,for the same reason's your wife had.

 

I to realized i was never in love with ow.

 

How did you manage to work it out,my wife would not even consider it,she divorced me.

 

it's been 2yrs and i want her back,i see the year you wrote this,i would like to know if you and your wife are still together and if so did you ever get the trust back and have you forgivin her completely?

[Arch]

Life's so simple and easy in black-and-white world... =/

 

Seems pretty clear cut to me.

[twice_shy]

madame x,

You said you don't know how to stop cheating. here is an idea.

 

Tell your husband. Maybe what it is going to take is for him to get angry and maybe you'll put the skids on things. Because so far he is good to you and you have used him as your own personal doormat.

 

Maybe him manning up and getting angry will be what it takes.

 

But then again you run the risk of him leaving you, which nobody would blame him a bit.

 

I think you need to tell him. Because as long as there are no consequences to your lousy actions, nothing will change. You will always know that you can get away with it.

[twice_shy]

Thank you all so much for your input.

 

One thing that I should have said is that I do not intend to stay in my marriage . . . not because of the OM but because my husband and I have already tried therapy several times and his communication problems and workaholism are just not going to get better.

 

 

Geez, wish I would have read this before originally responding.

 

So here we go again, the classic, "this is all his fault" bullsh##t.

 

So he has a problem communicating? He works to provide the best possible life for his family. yes, those are excellent reasons for screwing him over. *rolling eyes*

 

What is it about women who have a good man that busts his ass for his family getting cheated on?

 

So here you are putting the blame on him. Sorry, the blame lies with you. As if there is no excuse for cheating, what you laid out is definitely NO excuse for cheating. Actually that is where you should have supported him. he busts his ass for his family. Gee, what a freakin' crime.

 

 

I love him and want things to end well and have intimated as much to him. Neither of us are ready to end yet, but it will eventually.

 

Tell him you cheated on him. that might change his mind real quick.

 

 

That said, I fundamentally respect my husband's feelings and his masculinity, despite my actions, there is no way that he will find out about my affair (for which I am infinitely grateful) and I do not intend to ever tell him.

 

thats because you are selfish and a coward. As if cheating wasn't bad enough so.

 

So if you don't intend to tell him, then why don't you do the right thing by him and just file for divorce and get it over with?

[twice_shy]

Sorry to chime in here, but who are you to say how this woman feels about her husband? You don't know either of them!

 

Well last I checked, those that truly care for their SO don't sleep with other people.

 

Or is betraying someone in the worst way possible showing a genuine caring for their betrayed partner?

[madame x]

twice shy, I appreciate your input and can completely understand your perspective.

 

However, I feel the need to reiterate (yet again!) that my affair and my leaving my husband are two completely separate issues. I think that if you'd read a bit more than my first couple of posts then you would understand that I DO NOT blame my husband at all for this affair. It is completely my fault and he did absolutely nothing to deserve my betrayal. This thread is NOT about my marriage problems per se - it is about my attempt to cut off my affair for good.

 

I also agree that I am a selfish coward. I've said said just as much on this thread many times.

 

But I do thank you again for your reply.

[madame x]

And while I honestly appreciate everyone's contribution I want to say it again . . . nice and loudly:

 

My husband's communication/work problems did not "lead me to cheat." That would be a crappy, idiotic thing to say so that I could justify MY decision. I DO NOT justify my affair by blaming my husband (I don't blame him for ANYTHING - we both tried our best to make things work). It was a childish, selfish choice that I have made and that I have to live with. As hard as it may be to understand I DO love my husband. He definitely deserves better than what I've chosen to do.

 

And I would hate for him to find out about this NOT because of how it would make me look but because it would haunt him - I KNOW how it feels to be cheated on and to picture the one you love being intimate with another person. I don't want for him to have to deal with that - me cheating is already cruel enough. If I were leaving him for the OM then that would be different and he would need to know; but that is not the case.

 

I've come here for advice on how to leave the OM and perhaps to hear from others that have been in a similar situation. I'm grateful to have found this place and thank everyone that has responded.

[angelj]

Don't forget to keep us posted...or me at least!

 

I am interested in knowing what steps you take/how this plays out.

 

What I do empathize with is the fact that you allowed yourself to enter/engage in such a situation, recognize the consequences for all parties involved and now must end it. (for the sake of your own sanity, your husband's, your marriage...etc etc etc)

 

Seriously doesn't it make you wish you could wake up tomorrow and poof...without enduring all the pain that sets in with reality...everything was resolved?

 

With that being said, we realize and understand that life is indeed purely black and white. This gray area we like to refer to is merely but a dream. . .

 

keep the faith.

Edited March 7, 2008 by angelj
because I can ;)

[TMCM]

Your actions are obviously very self-destructive and you might want to consider seeking individual counseling to address and resolve your issue(s). An emotionally strong and healthy person does not get him/herself involve in an affair.

[justice]

I honestly don't want to hurt my husband. When I leave it will be because of our communication problems - I'm not leaving for the OM (and don't intend to continue the relationship, that was my original question) so I don't see why he needs to know about that part. Me leaving my husband and me having an affair are two seperate issues.

 

And yes, a break from men is definitely in order. I obviously need some help before I can be a good partner again. I am acting very selfishly and I sincerely don't want to hurt anyone else - anyone deserves better than what I'm doing right now.

 

Thank you for your reply. Everyone has been very helpful here.

 

 

It's about being honest more than anything else. How will he feel when he hears it from someone else? Wouldn't you rather have him hear it firsthand from you? It's going to hurt him coming from you, but it'll hurt even more so when he hears it from someone else.

[madame x]

It's about being honest more than anything else. How will he feel when he hears it from someone else?

 

I don't think that 100% honesty is a good thing in situations like this.

 

And there is no one from whom he would hear about the affair. The OM knows none of my friends, or my husband's name, or even where I live. I have told no one in my life about him and vice versa - the OM and I are the only people in the world that know about us.

[Owl]

Madamex...did you read the link to my story that I posted here? Take a look at it, I think you'll see a lot of similarities in our situations.

 

JohnWho...my wife and I are reconciled. We're coming up on four years now to when this happened.

 

We reconciled for a couple of reasons (IMHO). We had a long history of a great marriage prior to her EA. So we knew how good things could be between us. We both realized that part of the overall "issue" was her untreated depression, and we figured out that a lot of the basic stress in the equation was simply a "season in our lives". We knew it would pass.

 

It took a while for my wife to decide that she wanted to reconcile. I knew that I wanted to try from the beginning. If your wife felt differently, then that's probably the first hurdle you're going to have to negotiate.

 

How do you convince her that you're WORTH giving another chance to? Its a toughie. I'd recommend that you get some IC (individual counseling) AND some MC (marriage counseling)...even if you're not still together with her. Try to work through YOUR issues that you brought to the table...and make the changes in yourself that you can...regardless of whether or not you know you can win her back. Work on YOU, first.

 

After you've established those changes as permanent...seek opportunities to show those changes to her. Don't TELL her...let her see and learn on her own.

 

Add to that a definite measure of remorse about the affair and a change in habits (as part of that counseling, hopefully) so that she can begin to feel safe trusting you again, and you MIGHT be able to.

 

Realize that the emotional damage done to a BS as a result of cheating is FAR, FAR more than you likely realize unless you've been through it. She may never choose to trust you again. And you can't even blame her for that. Your relationship may have been too far damaged to be recoverable...it happens.

 

Not bashing you here...simply being honest with what I've learned.

 

We're in a good state in our lives right now. My wife and I are stronger than ever together. A lot of good changes in our marriage and relationship, and my trust in her has been rebuilt. It can be done.

[madame x]

Owl: Yes, I read your story and I'm very happy that things have worked out for you. But I don't want to stay in this marriage and haven't wanted to for over a year.

 

And bentnotbroken: Say that your husband was going to leave you, and he told you that it was because there was no more communication in your marriage . . . and that he'd been telling you that for years. Say that he had also had an affair that was over and done when he told you that he's leaving. Would you still want to know about it? Seriously? Would any of you?

 

 

 

Again, my thanks to you all. I'm meeting the OM today and I plan to tell him that things need to be over today. It's so incredibly painful for me but I have to do it.