Arch Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 lol you already said you want to divorce your husband, I fail to see why you wont tell him considering you don't intend to stay married. Your not worried about your husband, your worried about what your husband will think of you.
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 I have a workaholic husband also, so I totally understand that. How long did you two try therapy, if you don't mind me asking? My H and I are starting next week and i am anxious to see how it's going to go. After 2 therapists in 3 years we had finally found a very good therapist that we saw together and each individually - and that we both like because she did NOT put up with bs in sessions. She was (brutally) honest with us and told my husband that she would not continue working with him until he tried anti-depressants. He decided not to do that. He basically ignores everything that isn't work related and only began therapy with her (we knew she was tough . . . and expensive ) because I was going to leave him. After that experience he decided that he did not want to pursue therapy. I wish you luck with yours. I think that if things in my marriage hadn't gotten quite so dire before seeking help that it might have worked better. I've done my time in therapy and I know that it doesn't work if everyone is not totally "present."
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I just hope one day both you and your H don't look back with alot of regret, wishing if only I had done more counselling and worked harder to make it work.
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 I just hope one day both you and your H don't look back with alot of regret, wishing if only I had done more counselling and worked harder to make it work. That is definitely in my mind. But staying in my marriage is the wrong thing for me to do. I don't believe in soul mates - I believe in 2 strong, intact people giving everything that they have to make things work. I feel like I gave as many chances for making things work as I could give. And I'm not seeing any reciprocity . . . so my choice is much easier, no?
daisygirl Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 After 2 therapists in 3 years we had finally found a very good therapist that we saw together and each individually - and that we both like because she did NOT put up with bs in sessions. She was (brutally) honest with us and told my husband that she would not continue working with him until he tried anti-depressants. He decided not to do that. He basically ignores everything that isn't work related and only began therapy with her (we knew she was tough . . . and expensive ) because I was going to leave him. After that experience he decided that he did not want to pursue therapy. I wish you luck with yours. I think that if things in my marriage hadn't gotten quite so dire before seeking help that it might have worked better. I've done my time in therapy and I know that it doesn't work if everyone is not totally "present." Thanks for your response. My H being a workaholic is definitely not the only thing wrong in our marriage, but it's a major issue. I feel that he has put work before me and our son for so long, and I told him that this bothered me so many times. I asked for counseling and he never wanted to go. That is until, like in your situation, I told him I wanted a divorce. Now I feel like my heart isn't in it, but he's wanting to try. It hurts, but I feel like I'm done. I also ended up having an affair, but mine was just an EA. I initiated NC with the OM a couple weeks ago, and it was tough...I was definitely addicted to talking to him. I cried for 2 days....pathetic, I know. But I am so glad I did it. I know it hurt him because he was starting to have feelings for me, but that was one reason why I had to end it before it went further. I didn't want one or both of us falling in love and then having it hurt worse later on. We were still at the infatuation point. Hell, we hadn't even met in person, so it's hard to know what would have ever happened with us. And for the record, I'm not totally delusional, I know the in-person chemistry may or may not have been there. I wanted to meet him, but we decided it wasn't a good idea to meet while I was married. Anyway, I also initiated the NC so that I can focus only on my marriage. We had problems before the EA, no doubt about that. But I couldn't possibly try to work on that while the OM was in the picture. Sorry to kind of hijack your thread here. In the end, I think NC would be best for you, as hard as it is, you'll get through it. We're here anytime you need to vent!
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 There is nothing clean about lying and cheating. Now why don't you ask the question you really wanted to ask? "How can I get out of this as unscathed as possible?":confused: I don't deny that. I'm no hero . . . I'm SO not being the bigger person here. I just don't want to needlessly hurt my husband seeing as how I don't intend to stay with the OM. I do not defend my actions - I have behaved selfishly and put many people's feelings at risk. I think that I've made that clear.
daisygirl Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 That is definitely in my mind. But staying in my marriage is the wrong thing for me to do. I don't believe in soul mates - I believe in 2 strong, intact people giving everything that they have to make things work. I feel like I gave as many chances for making things work as I could give. And I'm not seeing any reciprocity . . . so my choice is much easier, no? I think if you saw 2 therapists in 3 years, you gave it your best. I don't see how anyone could see it differently.
TMCM Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Sometimes a man's fear of poverty makes him overcompensate by working too much and too hard at the expense of his wife's love. This is often true of those who lived in abject poverty when they were children. They may justify that they are workaholics because they want to build a comfortable future for themselves and their wives and they may get to the point of even believing it themselves (tell yourself a lie many times and eventually you'll end up believing it). Maybe your husband is one of these men gripped with the fear of becoming destitute despite the fact that he may be far from ever being such.
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 lol you already said you want to divorce your husband, I fail to see why you wont tell him considering you don't intend to stay married. Your not worried about your husband, your worried about what your husband will think of you. I am worried about him, his feelings, and how this would destroy his ability to move on and find someone that he can share his life with in a meaningful way. He may think of me however he wishes. I have to go to sleep with myself every night for the rest of my life trying to make sense of what I'm doing. I'm no angel and I don't pretend to deserve mercy.
Arch Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I am worried about him, his feelings, and how this would destroy his ability to move on and find someone that he can share his life with in a meaningful way. He may think of me however he wishes. I have to go to sleep with myself every night for the rest of my life trying to make sense of what I'm doing. I'm no angel and I don't pretend to deserve mercy. lol you don't give a **** about your husband, you just don't want to be blamed for what ever happens in the future. Thats the truth.
daisygirl Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 lol you don't give a **** about your husband, you just don't want to be blamed for what ever happens in the future. Thats the truth. Sorry to chime in here, but who are you to say how this woman feels about her husband? You don't know either of them!
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Mr. Messy thought I was computer illiterate too. That is until Igot into his passwords and busted him and his ow and told her bs. Never underestimate the power to "know" what is going on when people keep lying to you. I appreciate your input. As I said previously though, the fact that my husband has noticed nothing different (even though I KNOW I've been far less present than ever before) leads me to think that it is probably time to leave. Things are broken. If he finds out . . . well, then he finds out. I would totally deserve it - but, again, he'd have to actually pay some attention to see that his wife is not "here" anymore.
Arch Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Sorry to chime in here, but who are you to say how this woman feels about her husband? You don't know either of them! I don't need to, the minute she decided to have another man **** her is the miniute that any love for her husband left. Now shes just trying to avoid any type of blame.
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 lol you don't give a **** about your husband, you just don't want to be blamed for what ever happens in the future. Thats the truth. That is the truth that you need to see. I know that I am wrong and I came here for helpful advice. I am being as honest with myself as I can possibly be, but I thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.
daisygirl Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I don't need to, the minute she decided to have another man **** her is the miniute that any love for her husband left. Now shes just trying to avoid any type of blame. She's not avoiding blame. She's accepting it, totally, IMO. Are you even reading her posts?
daisygirl Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I want to apologize for butting in on this thread...I'm stopping now
Arch Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 She's not avoiding blame. She's accepting it, totally, IMO. Are you even reading her posts? Telling the truth is the correct thing to do, anyone who argues aginst the truth is themselves a liar. She is trying to avoid blame and prevent guilt. She feels that if the affair never becomes open then she can continue to blame all HER problems on her husband, including the affair.
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Thanks for your response. My H being a workaholic is definitely not the only thing wrong in our marriage, but it's a major issue. I feel that he has put work before me and our son for so long, and I told him that this bothered me so many times. I asked for counseling and he never wanted to go. That is until, like in your situation, I told him I wanted a divorce. Now I feel like my heart isn't in it, but he's wanting to try. It hurts, but I feel like I'm done. I also ended up having an affair, but mine was just an EA. I initiated NC with the OM a couple weeks ago, and it was tough...I was definitely addicted to talking to him. I cried for 2 days....pathetic, I know. But I am so glad I did it. I know it hurt him because he was starting to have feelings for me, but that was one reason why I had to end it before it went further. I didn't want one or both of us falling in love and then having it hurt worse later on. We were still at the infatuation point. Hell, we hadn't even met in person, so it's hard to know what would have ever happened with us. And for the record, I'm not totally delusional, I know the in-person chemistry may or may not have been there. I wanted to meet him, but we decided it wasn't a good idea to meet while I was married. Anyway, I also initiated the NC so that I can focus only on my marriage. We had problems before the EA, no doubt about that. But I couldn't possibly try to work on that while the OM was in the picture. Sorry to kind of hijack your thread here. In the end, I think NC would be best for you, as hard as it is, you'll get through it. We're here anytime you need to vent! I tried to pick parts of your post to quote but it is all so poignant. I truly hope that therapy can work for you - if you really want to stay in it. Nothing in my life will ever break my heart as much as having to "let go" of my marriage. I am NOT excusing my affair but he'd "left" me years ago. But we can each only do our half of the work, right? And I would give anything to go back to when this was just an emotional affair. Good for you for having had the fortitude to have done that. The idea of having no contact scares me SO much. But . . . I have to try. You've been very helpful and understanding - I am truly grateful.
daisygirl Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I tried to pick parts of your post to quote but it is all so poignant. I truly hope that therapy can work for you - if you really want to stay in it. Nothing in my life will ever break my heart as much as having to "let go" of my marriage. I am NOT excusing my affair but he'd "left" me years ago. But we can each only do our half of the work, right? And I would give anything to go back to when this was just an emotional affair. Good for you for having had the fortitude to have done that. The idea of having no contact scares me SO much. But . . . I have to try. You've been very helpful and understanding - I am truly grateful. Thank you so much This board really helped me with the NC. It was helpful to see that others were going through the same thing, although it's hurtful to see that so many are in the same situation. Just 2 weeks in, and I am feeling MUCH better about it. The first couple days were so rough, but it's worth it to have a clear head now!! As far as the counselling, I am really worried about the outcome of it, but still willing to try. I feel like I am doing it for the wrong reasons...because it's the last resort, not because I really want our marriage to work. Does that make any sense? Right now, I am feeling like I don't want to stay in it. Basically, I cannot see myself with my H 5 years down the road. That sounds so mean, but it's my honest feelings. I don't know if MC can help that.
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Telling the truth is the correct thing to do, anyone who argues aginst the truth is themselves a liar. She is trying to avoid blame and prevent guilt. She feels that if the affair never becomes open then she can continue to blame all HER problems on her husband, including the affair. Once again, and for the last time Arch, I am guilty and I am blameworthy. I have behaved badly. Horribly and irrevocably badly. I do not blame anyone but myself and my selfishness for breaking the vows that I made to my husband. I merely explained the extraneous aspects of my marriage in order to more fully explain my situation, not to absolve myself of guilt. If it helps you sleep through the night then please know that I am disgusted by my behaviour and desperately want to stop. I can live with my guilt but my husband does not deserve the pain of my betrayal.
Arch Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Once again, and for the last time Arch, I am guilty and I am blameworthy. I have behaved badly. Horribly and irrevocably badly. I do not blame anyone but myself and my selfishness for breaking the vows that I made to my husband. I merely explained the extraneous aspects of my marriage in order to more fully explain my situation, not to absolve myself of guilt. If it helps you sleep through the night then please know that I am disgusted by my behaviour and desperately want to stop. I can live with my guilt but my husband does not deserve the pain of my betrayal. If you wanted to stop you would have.
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 (edited) Sometimes a man's fear of poverty makes him overcompensate by working too much and too hard at the expense of his wife's love. This is often true of those who lived in abject poverty when they were children. They may justify that they are workaholics because they want to build a comfortable future for themselves and their wives and they may get to the point of even believing it themselves (tell yourself a lie many times and eventually you'll end up believing it). Maybe your husband is one of these men gripped with the fear of becoming destitute despite the fact that he may be far from ever being such. Please know that I have thought about this - and with my husband and our therapist. I do not denigrate men or overlook that life is just as difficult for men as it is for women. I fully appreciate that men find meaning through work and earning and professional recognition. But should that be the primary relationship in a man's life? Ahead of his marriage - when his wife has literally begged him to be her partner? It's somewhat equivalent to women being so obsessed with not looking "perfect" that they stop being physically intimate for fear of not being pretty enough. Perhaps that is not the best analogy but I did want to acknowledge your very valid point. Edited March 6, 2008 by madame x spelling ;)
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 If you wanted to stop you would have. You are correct. I want to know how to want to stop. It's an impossible question, to be sure - but impossible questions are the ones that most need asking.
Woggle Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 If you want to stop you have to make the choice to stop. I am not saying it is easy but you will have to find some self control and make those steps yourself.
Cobra_X30 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 This is such a great response, I thank you! I'd like to hear more about why you think his wife should know. I had thought that that would be disrespectful to him, as far as I've ever thought about her . . . which isn't much . And, no, I don't think I feel the need to "protect" him. I think I have really good self-esteem (better than most people - I'm very strong and I basically really like myself), though not too many friends nearby (I've recently moved) but lots of hobbies. Like I once told the OM, I didn't realize that there was something missing until I met him. And now life without him seems unbearable. Everything seems unbearable. I have been incredibly stupid. But, yeah, the fact that I'm pursuing this affair likely bespeaks something deeply wrong witin me; I get that. Interesting! All of my experience with love and live tells me that when you feel something is missing in your "life" then it is also missing within yourself. Have you spent any long periods of time outside of a relationship? See here is the thing. Your not addicted to the OM per/se, more to the attention that he brings to you. I really think that you could drop him like a bad habit (which he probably is) if you had someone better available. Really the whole point of this thread is to find a way to end the affair. To do that you REALLY need to find out why your in it. It seems you did not go searching for it... yet you were weak to it at the same time. Part of me thinks based on what you have said, that it's not so much your self esteem but instead your self image that requires a relationship... hmmm... maybe self image is a bad word to describe. Ah, in regards to the OM's Wife. Listen, he chose to push things forward with you. He knew you were married right? Whatever he is going through in his marriage... he needs you to tell. Sadly, he needs to either fix his marriage or leave it. . Telling his wife perhaps could be the catalyste for that. Same with you... blah, blah, blah the reasons for waiting. At least get things started... well if you have not already. Contact a lawyer and get the logistics worked out. Waiting does two things. First it does a complete disservice to you.... who has to stay in some miserable affair to have a complete relationship, and to him... who needs to learn from this mistake so that he may have more fruitful relationships in the future. Now, that is the longest post I've given anyone in a long time. I wish you well.
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