madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Hello all. I've been lurking here for a few days and I just need a wake up call, or something. I just need some help. I suppose I'll begin with a little bit of background. I hope I'm not being too wordy. I'm 35 and married to my husband for 8 years, living together for a total of 13 years. He was the grand love affair of my life . . . until about 5 years ago when his work became his focus. It's a long boring story but basically we don't really talk much anymore. We love each other and still have a good sex life (sex has never been a problem) but it's almost like being roommates. That said, he is a wonderful man and beyond supportive of me in absolutely anything that I want to do. No children and never will be. About 4 months ago I met a man online. (Ftr I wasn't looking to have an affair, this was an innocuous meeting.) We shared many interests etc. and began emailing nearly every day. One thing led to another and he told me that he loved me, which came as a shock to me. I became dependant on our emails and thought of him constantly. Eventually we decided to meet. We've met up about 7 times now and have had sex twice. This is just so messed up. I NEVER thought that I would cheat on anyone, least of all my husband, who is SO good to me. Not just that but I don't even think that I love the new man, though we connect intellectually extremely well . . . I hate the thought of him being out of my life. He's also 10 years younger than me and married. We don't talk about our spouses. I feel like I'm living in a strange, underwater dream. To top it all off I don't even enjoy the sex. It's much better with my husband. I need the strength to end this, but I do get a great amount of selfish enjoyment from this man. I like the fluttery feelings of newness and excitement. I get off on the idea of sneaking around. I enjoy doing something that anyone who knows me would find utterly shocking. In a way I feel reborn. But I'm disgusted by my behaviour. I'm lying to my husband AND my lover (and probably to myself). I know that what I'm doing is cowardly, escapist, and wrong. My husband would be crushed if he knew. I think it would kill him, I am his whole life. So, what do I do? I KNOW that I'm living in a fantasy world (and not even a GOOD fantasy world) and that my actions could potentially hurt at least 2 people. I'm seeing him this Friday. I need to end it but I have no idea where to start. I've tried talking myself out of it. I've made more than one list of reasons that this is the wrong thing to do. How have others dealt with this? I welcome any replies, questions, and help . . . and I'm tough enough to handle whatever you have to say. I'm not foolish enough to defend my actions or feel sorry for myself . Thanks in advance.
Kingsburybear Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I'm sure some would say my opinion doesn't count, but I will offer it. Getting involved in a relationship because of newness or excitement will end up being a let down, just like caffeine in the afternoon. If you love your husband and are feeling guilty, and do not think you love this man, you should end it now. If you don't trust yourself to do it in person, do it by email or phone. Then change your number and your email. If your husband is a good man and treats you well, an adrenalin high is just a quick fix. Your energies would be better spent working on your marriage. Maybe you could email to him and meet him at lunch or other times where you can make the time to be together. I don't think I would tell him though, unless you think he could find out on his own. telling him might ease your conscience, but will hurt him and possibly permanently destroy your marriage. As for the other man, once you break it off, what he does in his marriage is no longer your concern. Take care
Cobra_X30 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 My husband would be crushed if he knew. I think it would kill him, I am his whole life. So, what do I do? I KNOW that I'm living in a fantasy world (and not even a GOOD fantasy world) and that my actions could potentially hurt at least 2 people. I'm seeing him this Friday. I need to end it but I have no idea where to start. I've tried talking myself out of it. I've made more than one list of reasons that this is the wrong thing to do. How have others dealt with this? I welcome any replies, questions, and help . . . and I'm tough enough to handle whatever you have to say. I'm not foolish enough to defend my actions or feel sorry for myself . Listen... I'm not going to tell you that what your doing is wrong or even dumb. It sounds like you already know. Your best option to fix it, is to just come clean to your husband. Honestly, if he really is the love of your life, he will come back to reality and fix the marriage... or if he isnt, then he will kick you out. I know... you have a trillion and one excuses as to why LYING is the best option. Just realize that they are ALL lame justifications and come from a selfish desire for self preservation. It's your strongest best option for ending the affair. Why? Because the only reason your having an affair is because your H is MIA. So, maybe you should sit down and write out a list of reasons to tell vs. not. If you need some help overcoming your own objections to being truthfull... I'm willing to assist. Seriously... I wish you well!
jj2007 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I think you need to re-read what you wrote. You already know what you are doing is wrong and it makes you disgusted with yourself. But I'm disgusted by my behaviour. I'm lying to my husband AND my lover (and probably to myself). I know that what I'm doing is cowardly, escapist, and wrong. My husband would be crushed if he knew. I think it would kill him, I am his whole life. Then this is what you say about your husband. he is a wonderful man and beyond supportive of me in absolutely anything that I want to do. I NEVER thought that I would cheat on anyone, least of all my husband, who is SO good to me. Then this is what you say about the OM. I don't even think that I love the new man. To top it all off I don't even enjoy the sex. It's much better with my husband. I need the strength to end this. So, what do I do? I KNOW that I'm living in a fantasy world (and not even a GOOD fantasy world) and that my actions could potentially hurt at least 2 people. I'm seeing him this Friday. I need to end it but I have no idea where to start. I've tried talking myself out of it. I've made more than one list of reasons that this is the wrong thing to do. How have others dealt with this? I welcome any replies, questions, and help . . . and I'm tough enough to handle whatever you have to say. I'm not foolish enough to defend my actions or feel sorry for myself . Thanks in advance. You know what you need to to, you just have to force yourself to do it. Tell the OM what you have written in your post and that you want to be with your husband and not him anymore. Then go complete NC (no contact) with the OM. I would suggest that you tell your husband what is going on so you two can work on your problems and so he can make an informed decision about what he wants to do in reguards to your marriage. Good luck and I admire you for owning your actions and not trying to justify them.
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Thank you all so much for your input. One thing that I should have said is that I do not intend to stay in my marriage . . . not because of the OM but because my husband and I have already tried therapy several times and his communication problems and workaholism are just not going to get better. I love him and want things to end well and have intimated as much to him. Neither of us are ready to end yet, but it will eventually. That said, I fundamentally respect my husband's feelings and his masculinity, despite my actions, there is no way that he will find out about my affair (for which I am infinitely grateful) and I do not intend to ever tell him.
Cobra_X30 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Thank you all so much for your input. One thing that I should have said is that I do not intend to stay in my marriage . . . not because of the OM but because my husband and I have already tried therapy several times and his communication problems and workaholism are just not going to get better. I love him and want things to end well and have intimated as much to him. Neither of us are ready to end yet, but it will eventually. That said, I fundamentally respect my husband's feelings and his masculinity, despite my actions, there is no way that he will find out about my affair (for which I am infinitely grateful) and I do not intend to ever tell him. Oh, that's a little different. I can understand not telling in that situation. Ok, so in that case... you may have to tell your Other Man's wife instead. LOL... then he will leave you alone. How far have you progressed in the divorce proceedings?
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 They almost always find out! Never say Never! I understood that when I made the choice to cheat. But as badly as I feel about what I'm doing, it would completely destroy me and (obviously) my husband if he did find out. That's why I am seeking advice on clean ways to end this before things get too entrenched. But I do thank you for your input.
daisygirl Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Thank you all so much for your input. One thing that I should have said is that I do not intend to stay in my marriage . . . not because of the OM but because my husband and I have already tried therapy several times and his communication problems and workaholism are just not going to get better. I love him and want things to end well and have intimated as much to him. Neither of us are ready to end yet, but it will eventually. That said, I fundamentally respect my husband's feelings and his masculinity, despite my actions, there is no way that he will find out about my affair (for which I am infinitely grateful) and I do not intend to ever tell him. I have a workaholic husband also, so I totally understand that. How long did you two try therapy, if you don't mind me asking? My H and I are starting next week and i am anxious to see how it's going to go.
wizer Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 If you're going to end the marriage then there's no need to tell him anything. He will ask, because most of the time when someone wants out of a relationship they have someone on the side. So either way you will be asked, and either way you will lie when you say there is no one else...because there is, or was, as the case maybe. If the other guy is going to leave his wife too, then who knows, the two of you may have a future.
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Oh, that's a little different. I can understand not telling in that situation. Ok, so in that case... you may have to tell your Other Man's wife instead. LOL... then he will leave you alone. How far have you progressed in the divorce proceedings? I would never tell his wife. If I told the OM that I was leaving he would likely respect my decision. I just don't know how to do that. I've begun to need this. My husband knows that I am unhappy and I've told him that I don't see us staying married, that unless he changes his focus then I will leave. I told him that I feel like he's married to work and that I am his mistress. It won't come a shock when the day comes that I leave . . . but that day is not yet near. I truly do respect him and don't want things between us complicated by my affair. I want to leave him cleanly; it truly has nothing to do with the OM I'm just clarifying because I want to make it clear that my marriage isn't (as far as I can see) salvageable.
Darth Vader Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I understood that when I made the choice to cheat. But as badly as I feel about what I'm doing, it would completely destroy me and (obviously) my husband if he did find out. That's why I am seeking advice on clean ways to end this before things get too entrenched. But I do thank you for your input. Even if you try to leave "cleanly", it often doesn't happen that way, soooo many loose ends to clear up. All it takes is one loose end to cause the whole thing to unravel!
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 If you're going to end the marriage then there's no need to tell him anything. He will ask, because most of the time when someone wants out of a relationship they have someone on the side. So either way you will be asked, and either way you will lie when you say there is no one else...because there is, or was, as the case maybe. If the other guy is going to leave his wife too, then who knows, the two of you may have a future. Thanks wizer . . . but when the day comes that I leave he already knows why. I just don't want to make it more insulting by him knowing about this affair - this would be such a huge insult to him that he does not deserve. And despite the strong connection between me and the OM I don't see a future with him either. I think I need to get my head on straight in order to be a good and worthy partner for anyone. 1
Cobra_X30 Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I would never tell his wife. If I told the OM that I was leaving he would likely respect my decision. I just don't know how to do that. I've begun to need this. My husband knows that I am unhappy and I've told him that I don't see us staying married, that unless he changes his focus then I will leave. I told him that I feel like he's married to work and that I am his mistress. It won't come a shock when the day comes that I leave . . . but that day is not yet near. I truly do respect him and don't want things between us complicated by my affair. I want to leave him cleanly; it truly has nothing to do with the OM I'm just clarifying because I want to make it clear that my marriage isn't (as far as I can see) salvageable. Umm... well I'd say his wife deserves to know, but if your dead set against it (protecting him?), I will keep my reasoning to myself. Your going to have a super hard time ending it on your own. He provides you external validation, and for some reason you seem to need that. Honestly, I'd say he is pretty much just a self esteem boost for you, which can be as addictive as crack for some people. I believe you could probably end the affair if you had some other source of validation. Perhaps a hobby or sport... or a new group of friends. Really, I can't tell you what... just that cutting this guy out of your life will leave a hole, and you will have to fill it with something. If you didnt have that hole to begin with... well... then you wouldnt be with him in the first place. Right? Do you feel like you sometimes suffer from low self esteem? Do you have lots of friends?
Bryanp Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I am just curious but how would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? I assume your husband would not do this because he has too much respect for you and would not wish to put your health at risk for STD's. You claim that your have respect for your husband but your actions say otherwise. In addition, you could care less about the OM's wife. If you really loved and respected your husband, you would have divorced before you engaged in a sexual affair with another man. You don't even care that he is married. You say it would hurt you and absolutely kill your husband if he found out but apparently you have willing to risk exactly that. I am sorry but your words simply do not match your actions. Your husband does not deserve what you are doing and putting him at health risk. You are making a mockery of him and your relationship and hurting the OM's wife as well. Get a divorce and have sex with as many people as you like. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and your actions speak volumes about your lack of respect toward your husband and your marriage. Am I wrong?
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Even if you try to leave "cleanly", it often doesn't happen that way, soooo many loose ends to clear up. All it takes is one loose end to cause the whole thing to unravel! I seriously do understand that. I have not left any loose ends that I know of and I honestly hope that my husband doesn't ever learn of this (not because of my feelings, but his . . . he doesn't deserve this crap haunting him forever). If he does find out then what can I say? - I've got it coming to me - I just don't want my horrible actions to hurt him, he is innocent . Honestly? I deserve to be found out, and if he does then I'll have to live with myself. I guess I have to be Okay with that, right?
Jess-Belle Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 Hmmm, madame x, you remind me a lot of what I used to go through. I had a workaholic ex. Gosh, I must have cheated on him a gazillion times. And I was always totally incapable of breaking things off... with anyone... And wow, what you said about feeling reborn... I remember so well what that was like! It sounds like you're addicted to the high you're getting from this OM. Looking back now, what I'd do in your situation is just force myself to work up the courage and just end it with the OM. You don't have to delve into explanations, you don't owe it to him. I'd do it through e-mail. Just something along the lines of 'This is wrong, I can't do this anymore. I need to work on what is best for me', and that's it. And then, if you're not doing it yet, get yourself into individual counseling. Best of luck...
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Umm... well I'd say his wife deserves to know, but if your dead set against it (protecting him?), I will keep my reasoning to myself. Your going to have a super hard time ending it on your own. He provides you external validation, and for some reason you seem to need that. Honestly, I'd say he is pretty much just a self esteem boost for you, which can be as addictive as crack for some people. I believe you could probably end the affair if you had some other source of validation. Perhaps a hobby or sport... or a new group of friends. Really, I can't tell you what... just that cutting this guy out of your life will leave a hole, and you will have to fill it with something. If you didnt have that hole to begin with... well... then you wouldnt be with him in the first place. Right? Do you feel like you sometimes suffer from low self esteem? Do you have lots of friends? This is such a great response, I thank you! I'd like to hear more about why you think his wife should know. I had thought that that would be disrespectful to him, as far as I've ever thought about her . . . which isn't much . And, no, I don't think I feel the need to "protect" him. I think I have really good self-esteem (better than most people - I'm very strong and I basically really like myself), though not too many friends nearby (I've recently moved) but lots of hobbies. Like I once told the OM, I didn't realize that there was something missing until I met him. And now life without him seems unbearable. Everything seems unbearable. I have been incredibly stupid. But, yeah, the fact that I'm pursuing this affair likely bespeaks something deeply wrong witin me; I get that.
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I honestly hope that my husband doesn't ever learn of this (not because of my feelings, but his . . . he doesn't deserve this crap haunting him forever). If he does find out then what can I say? - I've got it coming to me - I just don't want my horrible actions to hurt him, he is innocent He knows you and I'm sure he sees little red flags, something doesn't seem right with you. One thing, if he is at all suspicious, he could have easily installed a keylogger onto your computer. He'd know alot by now if he has done that... Another thing, you have no idea how your OW will react. What if he contacts your husband and tells him about your affair? Never say never. Get some counselling to help you cope with all this. Not only for ending your A with the OM, but also so you can gain the strength to leave your marriage. Not too sure your reasons of not ending it now. Why hang on if you two have tried marriage counselling and things haven't improved? One question though - Do you feel that you've given your marriage your absolute 100% effort? Or was the feeling of your marriage more or less over before the A started? I just wonder how much you're feeling is based on the OM and it makes you think that you don't love your H anymore.
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 It sounds like you're addicted to the high you're getting from this OM. And then, if you're not doing it yet, get yourself into individual counseling. You said a wise mouthful there. I think that you are 100% correct. Thank you.
Jess-Belle Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 You said a wise mouthful there. I think that you are 100% correct. Thank you. Thanks Cobra had it spot on though. Here's the thing... you indicate you don't feel you have low self esteem... but then you said something very telling... that you felt that OM filled something that was 'missing' in you. You should not feel like there is anything missing in you that someone can fill. You should feel whole as a person. That's the issue behind cheating. Until you overcome that, the cheating behavior will have its hold on you. You seem to be very in touch with how this is affecting you though. That is a very good sign.
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 He knows you and I'm sure he sees little red flags, something doesn't seem right with you. One thing, if he is at all suspicious, he could have easily installed a keylogger onto your computer. He'd know alot by now if he has done that... Another thing, you have no idea how your OW will react. What if he contacts your husband and tells him about your affair? Never say never. Get some counselling to help you cope with all this. Not only for ending your A with the OM, but also so you can gain the strength to leave your marriage. Not too sure your reasons of not ending it now. Why hang on if you two have tried marriage counselling and things haven't improved? One question though - Do you feel that you've given your marriage your absolute 100% effort? Or was the feeling of your marriage more or less over before the A started? I just wonder how much you're feeling is based on the OM and it makes you think that you don't love your H anymore. Everyone in my life knows that someting is off . . . but not my husband. He doesn't pay that much attention to me. This was a real revelation that it is time to end things. He doesn't know anything about computers (and hasn't even noticed all of the time I spend online now) so I'm not worried about him finding out via technological means. I don't think the OM would tell my husband. I think he's bigger than that. The reason I haven't left my husband is because I'm trying to set him up for life after I'm gone. He doesn't know how to do anything for himself anymore. And I still need for us to end things well. I know that sounds f-ed up. It is - but he's still my best friend. And, yes, my marriage was over before the A. I gave my husband 5 years or warnings that his work was coming between us. I really truly tried. He made his choice.
Author madame x Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Here's the thing... you indicate you don't feel you have low self esteem... but then you said something very telling... that you felt that OM filled something that was 'missing' in you. I said to him just that I felt that something was missing, meaning missing in my life not missing within myself per se. I think that those are two very different statements. But who knows?
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 but he's still my best friend. If he truly is your bestfriend, then don't stab him in the back. Tell him NOW how unhappy you are and that you intend on ending the marriage. The reason I haven't left my husband is because I'm trying to set him up for life after I'm gone. He doesn't know how to do anything for himself anymore. And I still need for us to end things well. Does he know this? That you're trying to set him up for life after you're gone? If not, why not?
Jess-Belle Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 I said to him just that I felt that something was missing, meaning missing in my life not missing within myself per se. I think that those are two very different statements. But who knows? True, could be. On the one hand I understand the addiction to another person, and on the other hand I know what it's like being with someone who is, as you say, married to their work and how screwed up that can make you feel. That's something to go into with a therapist.
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